'No Females Allowed'

by deadpansnarker

Chapter 2: Meet The New Spike, Same As The Old Spike (Except Not Really)

"Oh, what is taking Spike so long?" Twilight had already worn a nice straight groove into the formerly pristine floor of the Great Hall in her impatience for his return. "It's been nearly an hour! He was supposed to just take a quick peek inside the tent, then get out before the occupant caught onto our dastardly scheme. He better not have forgotten about our arrangement and scarpered to hang out at the comic store instead, because if he has I'll...I'll..."

Unable to think of a punishment severe enough at this stage for such a flagrant breach of duty, Twilight decided to take her anxious mind off of things temporarily by examining the huge stacks of books that lay amassed all around her, including heaped atop the Cutie Map itself. Even though she'd read each one at least a dozen times by now, she'd still miss the smell and feel of each of her treasured collection before they were levitated off to the sale so some other lucky pony could take possession of them. Still, a clear out was long overdue, and besides if everything worked out, soon they'd be replaced by shiny new volumes which she could obsess over as much as her old publications.

Tell you what, she poignantly thought to herself, her eyes scouring the mountains of literature around her that were so tall that you'd probably need a pickaxe and an extended cord of rope just to manoeuvre around them, seeing as I'm not going anywhere for now, think I'll quickly delve into one of my favourite non-fiction works, for old time's sake. Some light reading perhaps, as Spike could be back any minute. How about... The Complete Illustrated Recorded History Of Equestria, Bumper Edition? Yes, that should fit the bill quite nicely. Now, under which one of these peaks is it buried? It's always right at the bottom, isn't it? Oh well, best get digging...

Luckily, before Twilight could instigate the mother of all earthquakes right there in her central chambers, the sound of the front door being closed gently made her ears prick up, and she tentatively stepped around her masses of paper to meet Spike in the foyer.

Even as her levels of anticipation rose dramatically as to what intriguing secrets she was about to uncover, a scintilla of confusion had crept it's way into her head at what she'd just heard. That's funny... Spike is usually far more boisterous when he enters the castle, he slams the door so loud you can see each individual crystal trembling in the chandelier. No matter, I'd rather he break that habit than half the stones in my ceiling display. Now, let's see what our scaly friend has to say for himsel... "By Celestia"!

The sight that greeted the alicorn's shocked eyes upon reaching her destination almost made her have kittens, or foals if you prefer. For it was Spike standing there alright, and he was still a runty little dragon, but that's more-or-less where the resemblance between the old drake and this new character who'd just stepped in came to a screeching halt.

Dressed in the most dashing of miniature suits complete with top hat and cane, and with his spines slicked back for good measure, this dapper chappie was as far removed from his somewhat clumsy and nebbish former self as was feasibly possible. He carried a certain poise and confidence about him that was evident just by a quick glance, and the next words that left his mouth further highlighted his new persona to a slack-jawed Twilight.

"Miss Sparkle my dear, it truly is always a pleasure to see you." Spike gave a little bow, before somehow flicking his headwear so that it spun through the air to perch safely on an overhanging crystal, like a makeshift coat hanger. "Terribly sorry I was irrevocably detained, but I just had to go out and procure these new togs for myself. I can't believe I've been strolling around naked as a jaybird for all this time. How did I not get collared by the local constabulary? Still, you live and you learn, what-what. Is there any coffee left in the pot? I could really use a refreshing cuppa, care to join me? I take mine black, don't you know..."

If Changelings weren't now at harmonious peace with Ponykind (apart from the nefarious Queen Chrysalis, but surely her attempt at infiltration would be a bit less obvious than this) Twilight would've screamed blue murder and detained this 'imposter' with one simple binding enchantment from her horn.

Instead she rubbed her eyes, blinked, rubbed them again, before bombarding Spike (or this approximation of him) with a myriad of questions in an almost hysterically shrill voice. "Where did you get the bits for that suit? Where did you even buy the suit, seeing as Rarity is in Manehattan on business? Since when have you cared about being naked in public? What's with the fake posh accent? When did you start drinking coffee? Can you teach me that trick with the hat..."

"Why Miss Sparkle, please control yourself!" Spike arched an eyebrow at his employer, as if mildly embarrassed by her behaviour. "Such immature carry-ons are quite unbefitting an equine of your standing in the community, and must be actively discouraged if you are going to be a good role model for your many loyal subjects. As for your somewhat shouted queries, well I can answer the ones that matter in one pithy phrase: 'There comes a time in life when we must throw our childish things away.' This doesn't just include our physical possessions like silly juvenile comic books and hidden hoards of fattening gems, but our old mannerisms and ways, too. I've grown up and left it all behind, Miss Sparkle, it's as simple as that. Now, if there's nothing else on the agenda, I have other matters I must attend to upstairs before heading out again. Farewell for now..."

"Wait just a minute, Spike! You're not going anywhere, until I get a proper explanation for this one-hundred-and-eighty degree personality turn!" Twilight's initial surprise and worry had now become irritation and anger that her legitimate concerns were being dismissed so easily by this new unlikeable upstart, so she blinked herself in front of the retreating dragon before he could take another step forward. "It took you years of waiting just to grow a new pair of wings, and I'm expected to believe you've become a completely different person in less than an hour this very morning? Nope, not buying it. Spill the details if you please, as to what inspired this radical change and why you felt it was necessary."

Instead of answering her question directly, Spike let out a polite little snigger whilst addressing Twilight like she was a small filly who still had a lot to learn. "Princess Twilight. My dear, sweet, naive Twilight. I didn't decide on this 'change', it was just part of a perfectly natural process that happened to me this very blessed day. It's called 'growing up', and it's something I've been waiting for a long time now, an even lengthier duration than my wings. I know you loved the old Spike, but he's gone forever now, and it's about time you accepted that. Still, it's not all bad news! You have me instead, and I promise to do just as professional a job as the previous incarnation of myself, minus all the associated bumbling and disrespectful remarks. I'm sure you'll become so accustomed and reliant on the 'new' efficient adult me, you won't even miss the child that inhabited this body before! Now, I must not tarry, for I have a seminar at nine about how to micromanage my schedule more efficiently, as well as formulate letters of apology to Miss Rarity and the honourable Princess Amber for secretly lusting after them without their express consent. What a total cad I was, back in the day! Well, see you later..."

And then, aside from a brief glance at an antique pocket watch attached to a golden chain (something else he must've bought during his unexpected 'makeover') Spike wasted no further time shooting the breeze. As the stunned alicorn watched her whistling reptilian friend disappear from view at the top of the staircase, she couldn't help but wonder what could've transformed her fun-loving special little guy into this... this... pompous, pretentious, patronising jerkface.

What did he do so differently this morning from other mornings that could've scrambled his brains so badly?, she thought with some urgency, desperate to unravel the conundrum as soon as possible. He got up, stretched, yawned, admired his pecs in the mirror, took a shower, made his customary smart-alec quip about me reading at the table, before settling down to eat his 'delicious' sapphire on toast, and then we both departed for...

All at once, the probable answer came to her in a flash. Of course! I completely forgot about it after having the 'privilege' of meeting the new Spike. I asked him to take a peek inside that weird tent, then return and see me when he was done. I bet whatever it is in there has turned him into that... thing. Well, I'm not going to stand for it! I'm going to march down there right now and demand answers, even if it does mean I'll in all likelihood miss out on all the best deals at today's sale. Yes, I actually care more about my lovably annoying assistant more than I do about books. Problem? Deal with it! Okay, away I go...

And with that determined mindset, Twilight set off to show those brain-warping fiends exactly who they were messing with once and for all...

Not before locking up first, of course. After all, you can never be too careful these days, even in Ponyville.

Didn't you hear? Crime rate up 0.001% in the last year alone, so it now stands at a new all-time high of... 0.002%.

Shocking.

Author's Note:

Well, this is the new chapter. Hope you liked it. Next one is coming real soon. Yep. :)

Comments

[deadpansnarker]

9078806
Nope, right now.

9077604
Yes. Yes, he is.

9077780
Who knows. I don't see what relevance that has to the story...

9078509
You noticed. HURRAY!

[Eroraf86]

Nope. Nope nope nope. Don't like the new Spike. When the hares do it in Redwall, it's funny and endearing. This is just asinine. Twilight, be a dear and set fire to that obtrusive tent and its brainwashing occupant, would you?

[ShadowXper]

9078854
Agreed

[PonyDragon]

Instead of answering her question directly, Spike let out a polite little snigger whilst addressing Twilight like she was a small filly who still had a lot to learn.

Well, she kinda is...

as well as formulate letters of apology to Miss Rarity and the honourable Princess Amber for secretly lusting after them without their express consent.

Ember and Rarity: "We are very, very dissapointed in you Spike."
Spike: "I know. What I did in the past was wrong and immature, but..."
Ember and Rarity: "That's not what we are talking about!"
Spike: "I fear I don't understand..."
Ember and Rarity: "Let us put it simple: Come and join us for a roll in the hay."
Spike: "Well, now that you two have expressed consent we can continue with establishing an romantic..."
Ember and Rarity: "Shut up and take us already!"

---

Interesting chapter!
I'm curious where it goes.

[Aether Spark]

Maybe Twilight can use magic to take on her rule 63 counterparts appearance to find out/infiltrate.

[DanaO]

So... which is the simpler explanation? New villain in town brainwashing Spike (and providing him with a tailored suit and accessories) or someone Spike knows and likes who could expect Twilight to show up for her chosen spot and send Spike in out of pique, suggesting to Spike a plan for seriously screwing with Twilight's head? (And screwing with Twilight's head usually results in spectacular and disturbing public behavior which would likely hurt her standing in a popularity contest...)

[Dormi_san]

2024 and there is still no new chapter, I still haven't lost hope