This is the story of how Jason Reith a gamer From a small town. Join to find out what he encounters in this alien world. Note mlp dose not exist in the world he lives in. one chp may make sequle
Chapters (1)
Thenewbluebrony
Joined 28th Oct, 2017 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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If you dislike tell me why
9553114
-Unnatural, OOC dialogue
-Awful spelling, grammar, and punctuation make it nigh unreadable
-Under the false impression that using the “fuck” word multiple times will make the story more mature
-Choppy, breakneck pacing that allows no time for a reader to connect to anything emotionally
-Obvious OP self-insert is obvious
Ohhh nooo...I already know I'm going to have a hard time reading this.
The lack of any punctuation makes it feel like he's rushing his lines in a monotonous voice. Also, speaking to yourself is not the best way to convey exposition.
Wr already know where you are! You literally just told us! Maybe keeping it a secret from the audience would be better, but because we know, it makes this process irritable.
I had a brain hemorrhage reading that.
I am so bored right now I won't even point out the disinterest the actual characters have in this story.
This grammar and syntax, or lack thereof, is sloppy and unfinished.
Run-on sentence, change in point of view, change in tense, VERY quick pacing that irritates me beyond belief...need I go on? And an embedded link? Really?
You just turned Best Pony into a grammatical massacre and a stale piece of bread with little distinctive dialogue.
Woo hoo! No emotion!
Jumping to conclusions does not make you a genius. It means this character has read the script. Before I thought I hated this guy. Now I know I do!
SHOW THIS INTERACTION HAPPENING!
I revise my earlier statement. Before, I knew that he was just a terribly written character. Now, I think he just hates being well-developed.
9554272 My favorite part of the first Celestia scene was this little gem.
Because I’m sure Celestia always talks about pressing, serious matters to her hardened, highly-trained soldiers like they’re infants needing to be put down for a nap.
9554272
9554177
thx for the feedback I will try better on my editing
OK...
I'm disliking because this level of effort shows a complete disregard for any proper prep work. Learn some grammar and basic construction before you begin or your peers will keep giving you this kind of feedback.
I dislike for the following reasons:
Er...
You... kinda still need to figure out the whole "write a proper sentence" part of literature first before you try writing a story.
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9554272
I have made some changes
9556685 Holy fuck, a whole 23 extra words worth of changes!
You must have really burnt the midnight oil on that one, huh?
I see literally no change at all. Still the same cluttered, clunky, emotionless, irritating mess. The best part is, it's short.
Would you kindly list what's been changed? I literally can't see anything different.
9557344
“What did this creature look like my little one?” Celestia asked the guard
As if someone else spoke for him he said "I am a god!" as Jason realized what he said he ran out of the castle and became invisable.
it is now teen
added more periods
9554272
I ment to put Hermera instead of Helios
Hemera is the greek goddess of the daytime and Nyx is the Greek goddess of the night so do you see why i put this
"It looks like they worship spirits like Helios and Nyx ."
9562758
And this fixes the story's issues because...? Correcting a name isn't going to fix the awful pacing, bad character choices and development, and stale and dry prose.
9562897
i was responding to
Jumping to conclusions does not make you a genius. It means this character has read the script.
9563709
Perfect! Now fix the infuriating writing style, grammar, tenses, character introductions, plot, pacing, and prose, and it'll be semi-readable!
9563736
I Will do my best
It almost seems a shame that you've given up on this little story. With a total re-write this could have been readable. Don't get me wrong, it's horrendous as it is, but I don't like seeing writers become discouraged and give up on things. Put in some time and effort and show us the result!
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thank for the feedback