A new battle
Somewhere in Wisconsin February 3rd Around 5:00 pm
“Wow. That was amazing the way they ended Kingdom hearts 3 and it only took me six days.” Jason said to himself. “Now what game should I play next I know I will try to beat slender." said Jason
5 hours later
“Fuck I have no chance at this I can only get through the start. I am switching to God of War to let out some anger. Wait who sent me a message and why is my ps4 flashing the colors of the rainbow?” Jason said as a rainbow beam shot at him from his ps4.
Just outside of Appleloosa
“What just happened and were am I?” Jason said as he stood up but as he stood he saw red marks on his arms. “Where did these come from.” As he looked at his arms he saw a small oasis and went to examine his arms but just as he got to the oasis some flashes had happened and he ran.
At Canterlot Castle
“Princess Celestia we have had reports of a creature by Appleloosa but the ponies there started takeing pictures and the creature ran to the Everfree Forest” said the guard that was just informed of creature.
“What did this creature look like my little one?” Celestia asked the guard
“It walks on its back legs it also had chains marks around its arms” said the guard
“What it has chains wrapped around its arms?” said Celestia as a look of sadness appeared from wanting to be able to help the creature from what had put the chains on it.
“No there was no chains, Plus any photos that were taken of it came out as static in the spot where it was.” said the guard as he pulled out the photos.
Ruins of the Castle of the Two Sisters
“What the fuck was that and what just happened?” Jason asked himself “At least I found a place to stay for the night now how to get in?" after a while of thinking Jason noticed how the castle looked "This place seems old so there might be a place that has crumbled enough for me to crawl in.
One hour later
“Finally I found a way in” said Jason as he heard three voices behind him, as he turned around he saw a chimera a three headed beast.
"Hey sisters looks like we found a meal." said the Tiger head, as her eyes went from black to green.
"It indeed sseamssss that way sssisssterss." said the Snake head, as her eyes went from black to red.
The Ram head said "I don't know girls this seems like a baaad idea." as her eyes went from black to yellow. Jason starts to feel a power building as he is faced with this danger. Now as the power builds higher and higher a pair of chains wrapped around his arms. Then as the chains wrapped around his arms they burned into his arms, his skin turned ash white, and at the end of the chains were two blades upon seeing this the chimera started to run and got away. But as this happened Jason was on the ground crying out in pain from the chains burning into his arms.
At Fluttershy's cottage
"Oh my that sounds like an animal is hurt in the Everfree Forest" Said Fluttershy as she left to go ask her friends to help her find the animal there was a knock on her front door. "Oh I wonder who is here." Fluttershy said as she opened her front door. "Hi Twilight, did you hear the sound as well?" asked Fluttershy.
"Hello, and yes I did hear the sound. That is why I came a creature was sighted heading to the everfree and I suspect the sound was the creature" said Twilight
"Is that why you came to see me to help with the creature? I was about you to go ask you to help me find it because it sounded like it got hurt." said Fluttershy as she started to go outside to find the creature.
Ruins of the Castle of the Two Sisters
"I need to get inside." said Jason as he was forced to crawl inside the Castle due to the pain from the chains burning into his arms. But as he crawled he saw himself in a mirror. "What the fuck I look like Kratos but with my hair!" as he said this he heard a noise from down the hallway.
"I heard something down this way Fluttershy" said Twilight.
"I think I saw something Twilight." said Fluttershy
"I don't want to be seen" thought Jason and as he thought that they had passed not seeing him because he had became invisible. "How did that just happen?" Jason asked as he said that the pair that had just walked by turned around.
"Did you hear that Twilight?" Fluttershy asked
"Yes I did, it sounded like it came from around this area." answered Twilight as they reached the spot the sound came from Jason had left.
"Okay that was weird those looked like horses but they could talk, I saw one had wings and the other had a horn so the yellow one is a Pegasus and the other is a Unicorn." Said Jason as he found the throne room "It looks like they worship spirits like Hemera and Nyx."
"What are you?" asked Twilight as she stood behind Jason.
As if someone else spoke for him he said "I am a god!" as Jason realized what he said he ran out of the castle and became invisible.
One day later Canterlot Castle
"Princess Celestia I have came to tell you what I found out about the creature." said Twilight
"Please tell me what you found out about the creature Twilight" said Princess Celestia
"I had only one chance to speak with it before it ran" said Twilight
"What did you say to the creature Twilight?" asked Celestia
"I asked what it was." said Twilight
"What did it say?" asked Celestia
"I-i-it said it was a god." Twilight stammered out due to the answer the creature had said
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Summer Dust · 7.1k words · 383 9 · 6.8k views
- Boopy Doopy · 55k words · 454 13 · 6.4k views
- Flutterpriest · 1.5k words · 112 4 · 2.1k views
- Emo Rainbow · 52k words · 43 5 · 1.8k views
- Blue Insomniac · 8.2k words · 242 6 · 4.4k views
- Ausbrony · 87k words · 598 52 · 11k views
- Erstwhile Tail · 26k words · 149 8 · 2.8k views
- Lucien Chance · 198k words · 680 69 · 15k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.45 seconds
Total duration
937 users online
522,850 hits today, 2,921,617 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
If you dislike tell me why
9553114
-Unnatural, OOC dialogue
-Awful spelling, grammar, and punctuation make it nigh unreadable
-Under the false impression that using the “fuck” word multiple times will make the story more mature
-Choppy, breakneck pacing that allows no time for a reader to connect to anything emotionally
-Obvious OP self-insert is obvious
Ohhh nooo...I already know I'm going to have a hard time reading this.
The lack of any punctuation makes it feel like he's rushing his lines in a monotonous voice. Also, speaking to yourself is not the best way to convey exposition.
Wr already know where you are! You literally just told us! Maybe keeping it a secret from the audience would be better, but because we know, it makes this process irritable.
I had a brain hemorrhage reading that.
I am so bored right now I won't even point out the disinterest the actual characters have in this story.
This grammar and syntax, or lack thereof, is sloppy and unfinished.
Run-on sentence, change in point of view, change in tense, VERY quick pacing that irritates me beyond belief...need I go on? And an embedded link? Really?
You just turned Best Pony into a grammatical massacre and a stale piece of bread with little distinctive dialogue.
Woo hoo! No emotion!
Jumping to conclusions does not make you a genius. It means this character has read the script. Before I thought I hated this guy. Now I know I do!
SHOW THIS INTERACTION HAPPENING!
I revise my earlier statement. Before, I knew that he was just a terribly written character. Now, I think he just hates being well-developed.
9554272 My favorite part of the first Celestia scene was this little gem.
Because I’m sure Celestia always talks about pressing, serious matters to her hardened, highly-trained soldiers like they’re infants needing to be put down for a nap.
9554272
9554177
thx for the feedback I will try better on my editing
OK...
I'm disliking because this level of effort shows a complete disregard for any proper prep work. Learn some grammar and basic construction before you begin or your peers will keep giving you this kind of feedback.
I dislike for the following reasons:
Er...
You... kinda still need to figure out the whole "write a proper sentence" part of literature first before you try writing a story.
9554928
9554811
9554887
9554177
9554272
I have made some changes
9556685 Holy fuck, a whole 23 extra words worth of changes!
You must have really burnt the midnight oil on that one, huh?
I see literally no change at all. Still the same cluttered, clunky, emotionless, irritating mess. The best part is, it's short.
Would you kindly list what's been changed? I literally can't see anything different.
9557344
“What did this creature look like my little one?” Celestia asked the guard
As if someone else spoke for him he said "I am a god!" as Jason realized what he said he ran out of the castle and became invisable.
it is now teen
added more periods
9554272
I ment to put Hermera instead of Helios
Hemera is the greek goddess of the daytime and Nyx is the Greek goddess of the night so do you see why i put this
"It looks like they worship spirits like Helios and Nyx ."
9562758
And this fixes the story's issues because...? Correcting a name isn't going to fix the awful pacing, bad character choices and development, and stale and dry prose.
9562897
i was responding to
Jumping to conclusions does not make you a genius. It means this character has read the script.
9563709
Perfect! Now fix the infuriating writing style, grammar, tenses, character introductions, plot, pacing, and prose, and it'll be semi-readable!
9563736
I Will do my best
It almost seems a shame that you've given up on this little story. With a total re-write this could have been readable. Don't get me wrong, it's horrendous as it is, but I don't like seeing writers become discouraged and give up on things. Put in some time and effort and show us the result!
10199245
thank for the feedback