Pickles & Milk

by moonbutters

The True Ending: I Lied When I Said It Was Over

Author's Note:

Ok, so technically it is over but I gotta set stuff up for... other stories.

Enjoy.

Or else.

Suddenly, Pinkie Pie burst into the room from the front door, startling Spades and Blue.

“Don’tcha know there’s a changeling invasion going on? And you’re eating... you’re eating... what are you eating?”

“Oatmeal?” replied Spades.

And then she said “Oatmeal? Are you CRAZY?”

There was silence for a moment, until Spades answered.

“No? I was crazy a little bit ago, but I believe I’m fine now.”

“You honestly thought it was over?” asked Pinkie. She didn’t wait for an answer. “Boy, we’re just getting STARTED!”

“...Wha-“

Pinkie cut Spades off. “OH MAN THEY ARE GONNA LOVE THE SEQUEL!”

“The sequel?” asked Spades, clearly confused.

“Yeah! So that all of this,” Pinkie gestured at everything, including the changeling queen poking her head out of the basement, “can be done and over with! But also so our good friend Moonicus Spoonicus Prince of the Moon and of a few various asteroids can keep writing! About you! Of course that means that this chapter is gonna be the real ending to the story but it’ll include all of the nuts and bolts of the offshoot timelines so that Moon can make sure that this stays as the alpha timeline!”

Spades rubbed his forehead with a hoof. “I didn’t understand a single word of that.”

“But they did!” said Pinkie, smiling at you. Yes, you, there, with the face. “Coming soon, to a trash can near you! Pickles and Milk Emm Kay Two! That’s not the actual title!”

“Yeah, I still have no clue what you’re saying.”

And Spades never would.

"Okayeee! Gotta go smarsh some changelings! Be careful, Spadseyball! Say hi to Starlight for me!” shouted Pinkie, before bounding out the door.

After the door slammed shut, Spades sat in his chair for a few minutes, just trying to process all of this. Eventually he decided that it wasn't worth trying to understand, and went back to his oatmeal, which was cold.

"Spadesey?" said Blue Tea loudly, but not screaming loudly.

"Yes dear?" asked Spades, as he poured his cold oatmeal into the sink with a schlorp. He was over by the sink now. No, he didn't teleport. That comes later. You should know this by now.

"Can you run to the store? I'm getting one of my cravings..."

"Sure, Dear. What do you need?"

"Pickles. And some milk to go with."

"That's an odd combination, Blue."

"The foals desire it." said Blue, creepily. She stared at Spades, her smaragdine eyes unblinking as she bored into Spades's head with her gaze.

Involuntarily, Spades shivered, before going to the closet by the front door to grab his saddlebags. "Whatever you say, Honeybunches of Foals. I won't be long."

"Love you!"

"Love you too. Remember, Kooky is next door if you need help." said Spades, blowing a kiss at his rotund wife. He stepped through the front door and found himself face-to-face with a lilac unicorn with a purple and teal mane. She stared at him, and it was Spades's first assumption that she was a changeling. I can assure you that she was not a changeling- because she was Starlight Glimmer. From the future.

Starlight squinted at Spades for a moment before speaking. "Spades? Spades Duck?"

"That's me." said Spades, drawing his ACME Husbando Sword from his saddlebags and pointing it at Starlight. "And you are...?"

"No one important. I'm just here to make sure you don't jump timelines again."

"What?" replied Spades, furrowing his brow in confusion. His sword dipped a little.

"Pinkie told me. And she was serious about it. Said some writer might get some bad ideas. You know of anypony who is a writer?"

"I don't."

"Well, uh, Pinkie told me to say this."

"You're not a changeling, are you?" asked Spades, now leaning on his sword. If she was a changeling, Spades would have no trouble taking her out. As a friend, of course. A friend-date. Spades is faithful to Blue through and through, trust me.

“No. But I’ll be watching you. And looking for whoever this writer pony is.” replied Starlight, turning around to scan the currently vacant street with her eyes.

It was then that Spades noticed that she had wings, but before he had a chance to say anything, she vanished into thin air. With nothing more to say and no one to say anything to if he did have more to say, Spades shrugged, put his sword away, and continued from his front porch into the oddly empty street. The fact that there were no ponies or changelings out and about unnerved Spades a little. The reason for the empty street was that Queen Chrysalis had called all of the changelings she could to help her stop the Elements of Harmony. And their bearers. And to find Princess Luna. Because she wasn’t in her bedchambers.

Obviously.

There were actually four changelings still on Spades’s street. One was Queen Kissylips. One was Stanley the changeling. The other two were also changelings.

Did I mention they were changelings? Because they are. Changelings, I mean. They are. And by “they” I mean the changelings, of course. The changelings on the street. Those changelings.

Anyfluff, Kissylips had seen the lavender alicorn talking with Spades. “I will infiltrate his house, and pretend to be his spouse!” rhymed Kissylips, smiling evilly from a bush across the street. “Stanley. Zipper. You two are with me. Carl, follow that pony. See where he goes.”

You may be wondering how she got out of the basement, but do not worry! All will be revealed. Unless I forget, which is a possibility.

The three trash cans next to the bush that Kissylips was hiding in chittered in affirmation. Two of the cans waddled their way after Kissylips as she crossed the street to Spades’s house, and the third can fell on its side and rolled down the street after Spades.

••• ••• •••

Spades’s walk to the 8/12 was surprisingly-and-yet unsurprisingly uneventful. It was surprising to Spades because he was expecting a changeling around every corner when there wasn’t any and unsurprising to you, dear reader, because I told you where most of them were, didn’t I?

The absolute lack of any life whatsoever other than a few actual bugs put Spades very on edge, but not on edge enough to notice that there was a suspicious trash can rolling around a ways behind him, always keeping its distance.

Upon entering the 8/12, Spades could see that it only had one occupant: Ralph the extradimensional humam. Yes, that’s spelled correctly. I had to go back to the late halloween special to check.

Or at least, someone who appeared to be Ralph. To Spades, it certainly looked like Ralph. He had his weird-shaped boots propped up on the cash register and a half-empty gallon of chocolate milk held in his hand. His 8/12 uniform currently had a name-tag with the name “Grimm” on it. Spades opened the door a bit farther and a bell tinkled, causing Ralph to look over.

“Oh, hey Spades.” After a beat, he continued. “You know who I am, right?”

Spades frowned for a second before realizing that Ralph was making sure he wasn’t a changeling. “You’re Ralph.”

“Ok, so it is you. C’mere. Also, stay well away from that wet floor sign.” said Ralph, motioning Spades over with a wave of his hand.

Spades gave the wet floor sign a wide berth as he made his way over to Ralph. “What’s up with the wet floor sign anyways?” he asked, giving it a glance.

“The floor’s not actually wet there. Instead there’s a tear in the dimensional fabric of this universe. A few changelings tried to get in and they walked right in to it.”

“...Then why hasn’t the wet floor sign fallen through?”

“‘Cuz I told it not to. That’s why.”

When Spades got over to Ralph they gave each other a hoof/fist bump accompanied by them both saying “Heyoo!” at the same time.

“So,” started Ralph, “What are you doing out and about? There’s a changeling invasion going on, you know.”

Spades sighed and sat down. “Blue wanted some food to satisfy her cravings.”

“You got some time to waste?”

“A little.”

And so they began to shoot the breeze. The breeze was not very happy about being shot at but it couldn’t do anything about it.

••• ••• •••

It was at this very moment that Carl the Changeling rolled up to the front of the 8/12 in his changeling form. He stood his trashcan-self upright and looked in through the window of the store to see what the pony he had been following was doing.

Meanwhile, on a rooftop far above, a shadowed figure watched Carl the trash can changeling as he watched Spades.

But now was not the time for her to make her move.

••• ••• •••

“...And that’s how my ex fought off the entire state of Kentucky.” finished Ralph. Spades did not know what Kentucky was, but was impressed regardless.

“All of that because of a single bean?” he asked, staring at Ralph with wide eyes.

“Because of a damned bean. S’why I dumped her, HA!” Ralph laughed before chugging down the rest of his chocolate milk. “Anyways, I gotta get back to work or B’kœræ’n the unnamed will have my head! Literally!”

“Wait, why is he called the unnamed if he has a name?”

“B’kœræ’n is just what he told us to call him because his real name rips your soul in half.”

“So he has two names, and yet is unnamed?” asked Spades, squinting his eyes at Ralph.

“Pretty much.”

“Is he gonna pop up out of nowhere to give me riddles for my soul to stay intact?”

“Only if today is a riddle day.”

“Fair enough. I’ll be back with what I want to buy.” said Spades before heading to the back of the store only to find his way blocked by a small eldritch abomination, if any eldritch abominations could be considered small.

“A̪͎͔n͎̲̙͔̠̞̘s̮̱̫̹w͚e̱̣̥̙r͎̭͈̥̹͖̱̦̬̠̪̦̳̺̭̤̬ t͙̩h̺̞͉͇̳̭i̯̭͉̙̖͍̱̣̱s̱̤̬ ̖r̬͇͍i̮̝̦̩͙ḓ͕͕d͈̥͓̟l̬̮̙e̦͔̩̱ a̫͕̩̹͔̫̙ṉ̫͉̱͇̼̥̖d̪̳̬̟̖̻̥̪ͅ y̙̯̬͇̙o̥̳̗ͅu͚̤̬̠̰̻̙̭͇̖ͅ m̳̭͖a̫ͅy̠̞̫̼̙̺̱̲͎͈̪͍ p̥̯̙̰ͅa̝̯͚͕̺̣s̱̯̳s̘̪̺͎̼̜͚̩̻!”

it said, waving a tentacle at Spades in a way that was probably supposed to be menacing and threatening but really just came off as weird.

“Okay.” said Spades.

“W͕̙͉̟h̩͖̫̻̳̼̬͔a͖͉̠̺̟̪ͅt̤͔̗̲͖̘͉̯̜̗͔̳͚ͅ h̜̗̤̙͓̼̗a͕̟͓̤̺̰̘ͅs̲̦̘̻͉̣̼͈̠͈ͅͅ t̤w͉̱̤̫̦o̫̝̦̬̬̪̰͇̤̱̲̜̥̰͇ͅ n̝̙̗͔̻̼̪̺a͙̜̺̭̦̥m̻͕ͅe̳̫̝̫̻s̖͚͍͖͇̤̰̲̦͎̯ b̹͈̘̝u͇t͔̻͕̹̼̥̬̫͉͇̻̠ͅ i͇̻͈̥s̯̬ ͉̩̟̩̟̟ṳṇ͉̞̗͖̗͍̥n̗͚̫ạͅm̙͎͈e͈d̯̣̻?͎̭͕̹̹̞̟”

“B’kœræ’n the unnamed?”

“C͉͙̜͙̹̮̱o̺̘̜r̜̹r̩̺͚e̯̩͈͓̩c͍͙͍t̬͉̮̥!̪̫͈̜̱̺̲͉ͅͅ Y̩̩̣͕̪̩͉o͔̰̺͚u͖͍͈̞͕ m͈̤̥̳̜̯̺̠̝a͎͔̙y͔̣͖̹̤̭͎ p̥̥͔͓͉a̦̰͓͇͖̭̥s̥̭̗̘͚̪̟ͅͅs͖̰͕̼͚,̤̟̦̹ ̩̘̦̼̳͇ṃ̬͈̟o̪̟̙̜̼̱r̥͚͙̮͈̲t̩̝͉͔a̯̳l̻̱̣̫!̹͙̞̝̪̯̤̮͙̝̮̦̖͍͔̫P͖̮̼͇͚̺̰l̰̜͉̘͎͈̞̗ḛ̖͎ḁ̥̭̗̱͔͚s̭̥e̖̖̰͇̬ͅͅ s̖̠̦̞̭̞̙͍h̥̭̦̤ͅo͚̻̰̠͕p̖͕͉̖̮̞͎͕ a̯̝t͕̗͍̪͉͖̪̫͖̠̰͔̩͎̣͇̬͈ t̰h̠̲̝̲̥̟e̝̭̟ ̻̯8̜̥͙̘̻̺/̹͕̣͍̥1̗͓̮͖̲͉͈̫̱2̺͙̼̦̜̖̭̼̜͓ a̳̗͎͈̩̗̼̣g̲̙̼͓̰͕̹a͎̣̞i̺͉͙͍n̰!͙̤͖̞̣̦̫͍̮”

And with that, the thing melted itself through the floor, leaving behind a nasty-looking black goo puddle.

“Today was a riddle day!” Spades called out to tell Ralph. Ralph did not reply, either because be didn’t hear or didn’t want to reply. Spades shrugged and went to the back of the store and grabbed a double-family-size jar of dill pickles and two gallons of skim milk before heading back to the checkout counter at the front of the store.

When Ralph saw Spades coming, he spoke up. “That’s quite a combination you have there.”

“It’s what she wanted.” replied Spades, hoofing the pickles and milk over to Ralph so he could ring them up. "You think it's safe for me to head home?"

Ralph finished bagging the pickles and milk and then turned to Spades. "Let me tell you a little secret." He leaned in and started whispering, "You're, like, scary powerful. I work at other 8/12s and most of them have a version of... you."

"What?!?" Spades whisper-yelled.

"In at least seven of the parallel universes you are the king of Equestria. Because both princesses turned evil and you beat them both."

"No way. You're pulling my leg."

"Sorry" replied Ralph after letting go of Spades's leg. "But really. You go outside and you'll be fine. Now," Ralph dropped his whisper, "You must go, noble stallion to your fair maiden!"

"Yeah!" shouted Spades in reply, instantly forgetting about his potential infinite alternate selves at the same time as roughly one million, three hundred fourteen thousand, seven hundred fifty two of his alternate selves forgot the same exact thing.

But we’re not worried about those Spadeses- we have our own Spades right here. Right... wait. Where’d he go?

“He just left.” said Ralph.

Ah, yes. Thanks.

“No problem, bud.”

••• ••• •••

Blue Tea looked at the disguised changeling queen with confusion. “Rats in my basement? Are you sure?”

“One hundred percent, ma’am.” replied Kissylips with a voice as sweet as hyperconcentrated artificial coffee sweetener. “My rat detecting dog is never wrong.”

The changeling disguised as a dog stood next to Kissylips silently.

“I said my rat detecting DOG is never wrong.” Kissylips hissed, causing the dogling to bark in fear.

“Well,” started Blue, “I would have to see for myself. I haven’t been in the basement for a while because I’m, well, very pregnant. I’m sure it wouldn’t be too much trouble for you to carry me down, now would it?”

Kissylips looked the gigantic mare up and down and gulped. “Y-yeah. No problem.” She glanced over to the right and could see Stanley the changeling clambering in through the basement window. Don’t worry. Kissylips thought to herself as she took a deep breath. This will work out. It will all be fine and Mother will be proud of me.

“Shall we go?” asked Blue innocently. This was because she knew, and also because she knew Kissylips didn’t know she knew. Blue could hardly hide her smile as she waddled backwards a few steps to allow her “guests” into her home.

••• ••• •••

Spades was feeling a bit more paranoid. He could swear that a trash can was following him home. Could he say this for certain? No. But whenever he looked back, a silver trash can would roll into the nearest alley and every time he saw it he could see an odd orange stain on the lid that looked suspiciously like the mysterious orange stain on the lid of his across-the-street neighbor’s trash can. After the fifth time he looked back and the can rolled into a bush he decided that enough was enough and he turned around and went to the bush that the can had rolled into. For some context, the bush was about a hundred feet, or like 33ish meters for you non ‘MURICANS out there, from Spades’s house.

From the bush, Spades could hear a faint whimpering, like a foal. Pushing aside the bush’s leaves with his hoof, Spades could see that it was a foal. Or at least it looked like a foal at first glance. After looking for all of two more seconds, Spades concluded that what was in front of him was not a foal at all. It was a changeling trying to look like a foal but not really getting it right. The first thing that tipped Spades off was the lack of a trash can in the bush. The second thing was the baby’s very bushy eyebrows. And I mean these eyebrows were like rectangular prisms of eyebrow hair. It did not look natural at all. The next thing was the short beard on the foal. Foals aren’t supposed to have beards.

“Wow. I wonder who left their foal in this bush.” Spades said in a monotone. “Yes this is definitely a foal and not a changeling in disguise.”

“Alright.” said the not-foal in a very deep and heavy voice. Like a Morgan Freemanish voice. “You got me- wait. Changeling? I ain’t no changeling.” The not-foal ripped off its disguise to reveal that he was a normal sized stallion and not a foal-sized foal. I’m not sure how that works so don’t ask me. “I’m Morgano Freeponyo.”

Spades was confused. The trash can holding a baseball bat ready to hit Spades on the head from behind was confused. I was confused. I bet you’re confused too, aren’tcha?

Morgano Freeponyo was not confused, and neither was the tall hooded figure on top of Spades’s house.

The reason why Morgano Freeponyo wasn’t confused was because he had never been confused in his life, and he sure wouldn’t start now no sir-ee.

The reason why the figure on the roof wasn’t confused was because she had been tailing the changeling that had been tailing Spades for some time now, and had watched as the trash-can-changeling-in-disguise-with-a-baseball-bat had snuck up behind Spades while he was distracted. She was also good friends with Morgano Freeponyo, and had known that he was in the bush from the start. His baby disguise- well, some things are better left unanswered, eh?

The figure on the roof slowly and silently drew a massive hammer from the folds of her cloak, specifically the fabled Warhammer of Zillyhoo and just-as-silently hoisted it above her head in her magic. With a barely noticeable flick of her horn, the hammer was thrown (using a superior trebuchet-based telekinetic method) and as the hammer practically flew through the air, it spun slowly, aligning itself to the head of the changeling.

While this was happening, both Spades Duck and the bat-wielding-trash-can-changeling just kind of stared at Morgano Freeponyo and while they stared, Morgano Freeponyo looked over Spades’s shoulder at the figure on the roof. He nodded at her, and she nodded at him, and the hammer stopped its majestic arc only inches away from the skull of the changeling. Without further fanfare nor flourish, the hammer, held in the figure’s blue magic, lightly bopped the changeling on the noggin, knocking it out instantly.

After a beat, the hooded figure on the roof became the hooded figure in the air and then soon after that the hooded figure flying through the air became the hooded figure that landed next to Spades Duck.

“Good day, Freeponyo,” said Princess Luna, pushing her hood off with her magic. “And good day to you, Spades Duck. I have an important matter to discuss with you, posthaste.”

“P-p-princess Luna?” stammered Spades swhilst staring stupidly sat sthe spectacular star-smaned sprincess. Sssss.

"How should I say this..." said Princess Luna, tapping her chinny chin chin with a hoof. "Mr. Duck, there are currently two changeling queens and an undisclosed number of changelings within your house right this very moment, I fear."

Morgano Freeponyo raised a hoof in the air.

"Yes. Freeponyo. What?" asked Luna.

"Can I leave now?"

"Yes, you are free to go."

"Alright. Tuseday still good for tea, right?"

"Yes."

As Morgano Freeponyo sauntered away towards wherever he lived, Spades finished processing what Princess Luna had said to him. "...Changelings... but Blue is in there!"

Luna patted Spades on the back. "Have some faith in your wife, Spades. May I call you Spades?" Luna turned to look at him, but he wasn't there. What she had thought was Spades's head was actually a really moldy trashcan. An actual trashcan-not a changeling in disguise. Glancing at Spades's house, she could see that the front door seemed to be missing.

Why was the front door missing? It was because Spades had practically vaporized it by running into it like, really really really really really really really reeeeeeeeeally really fast.

Now, running into a door at those kinds of speeds can hurt a normal earth pony, but Spades Duck has plot armor and so I just kinda made it so any damage that the door would've done to him was done to the door which kinda resulted in a feedback loop of the door possibly hurting Spades more which made the door get damaged more which meant that Spades would be hurt more by doing that amount of damage and so on until the door was vaporized at a molecular level, releasing a spectacular amount of energy in the form of heat and a bang, which, if I hadn't caught it, would've subsequently vaporized all of Canterlot and a large chunk of Equestria as well. And, given the fact that I have no more do-overs without the wrath of the alicorn of time finding and beheading me, I had to fudge some numbers to make it so the door just vaporized at the same time that a portal to a separate dimension opened up right in the doorway and absorbed all of the destructive energy, which utterly decimated King H'oonol who was going to be a big bad guy later but I guess he's dead now. Probably. Or very angry. Man, being a writer is hard.

Anyways. Spades. Door. Yes.

Luna was much more careful when she entered the Duck/Tea residence, exchanging her massive rainbow warhammer for a smaller-yet-still-huge warhammer that was also rainbow colored but it looked more like a mallet of sorts that had been dunked in a rainbow, which is what it was, actually.

The house was eerily silent for about two seconds before a battle cry rang from somewhere below. “Back, ye foul Changeling! I am the unbreakable BLUE TEA and you will NOT invade anypony else’s home after I’m through with you!”

Luna spotted Spades by the basement door, and he motioned her over. “Blue’s been so dramatic since she got pregnant. Even so, we should go help.”

“Your wife is quite a mare, Spades. I know for a fact that she can hold her own.” replied Luna, swinging her hammer idily.

“Oh, you know Blue? Really?”

“Yes, actually. We sometimes hunt mon-“ Luna was cut off by a piercing shriek from the basement. “We should go. Now.”

And so they entered the basement.

••• ••• •••

Standing at the base of the stairs, Spades Duck was greeted with quite a sight. In the far left corner was a changeling who had been completely flattened. Like, poster flat. Spades assumed this meant that the changeling was dead, but I’ll tell you, dear reader, that the changeling was just unconscious.

A little to the right of that changeling was another changeling that was halfway turned into a dog. That changeling was also knocked out.

In the middle of the room were two Blue Teas, both fighting tooth and hoof to subdue the other. In the far right corner of the room was a can of beans.

Both the real Blue and the Changeling Queen Blue saw Spades staring at them, and simultaneously they called out to him. “Spades! It’s me, Blue Tea! I’m the real one! No you’re the fake one! Honey, help me subdue the changeling!”

Despite one actually being Spades’s wife, and the other being a Changeling Queen, Spades could not determine which was which, and so he stood there, sword at the ready, just watching then brawl in the middle of the basement.

Tired of waiting for Spades to move out of her way, Luna slid him to the side and stepped into the light so she could clearly see what was going on. She saw the flat changeling, the dogling, the brawling Blues, and the can of beans. She also saw the fake mustache on the ground, and the crushed cardboard box. She then turned to Spades, who was still processing, and told him “Alright, here’s what happened.”

•••

The Queen was trying to impersonate your wife. She talked her way into the house and got Blue to go to the basement, where her plan was to incapacitate or even kill your wife before taking her place. The one thing she didn’t count on was that Blue Tea is incredibly clever. You see, Spades, your wife knew of the Changeling Queen’s plan...

”Do you know how the rats got into my basement?” Blue asked innocently, locking the front door after letting the “Rat Catcher” and her “dog” inside.

“Yea,” started Kissylips. “Through the window probably. Nasty things, rats.”

”Mmhmm.” said Blue, adding a padlock to the door casually. “Why don’t you show me where you think the rats have been nesting?”

So, after they got to the basement, the Queen tried to attack Blue with a can of Butt Whoopin’ but accidentally grabbed a similarly labeled can of beans.

“Fool! I am a Changeling Queen!” yelled Kissylips suddenly, transforming back to herself, causing her fake mustache to fall to the ground.

”Wow. An ugly bug.”

Kissylips was having none of that crap. “Girl, you better show me sum RESPECT cuz I got a can here and it’s a can of... beans? Darn, it was supposed to be a can of butt whoopin’ but beans will have to do.” She threw the can of beans at Blue, but it missed.

Even though Blue wasn’t as scared as the Queen thought she would be, the Changeling Queen thought she still had the advantage with her two changeling minions, but she was wrong.

”Is that all you got?” Blue thundered, cracking her hooves.

“No.” said Kissylips smugly before her “dog” leapt at Blue, transforming into a changeling midair.

Faster than Kissylips could see, the changeling, who wasn’t fully transformed yet, hit the far wall behind her, out cold. As Kissylips turned to look back at blue, she managed to duck just in time to avoid Blue’s buck, which would have taken her head off had it connected.

”Aw, I’m a bit slow because of the pregnancy.” muttered Blue, dropping back to all hooves to protect her underside better. An upturned cardboard box to her right twitched and was immediately smashed by Blue’s swift front hooves. Not a second later, Blue practically dove on top of the changeling that had barely escaped from the box, squashing him flat, but not killing him. She then swung a hoof at Kissylips in an attempt to take her head off again, but both the pregananant mare and the Changeling Queen froze at the sound of a large bang from upstairs.

Both Blue and the Queen knew that the noise was your return from the store, so the Queen transformed into Blue to confuse you. And then they started fighting.

•••

“...and that, is what happened.” finished Luna.

“That didn’t help.” whispered Spades in reply. “I still can’t tell which is which, but I have an idea.”

“I will help in any way that I can.”

Spades stepped forward, cleared his throat once, and then yelled out “ALRIGHT, BOTH OF YOU FREEZE!”

And both fighting mares stopped fighting and looked at Spades

“LUNA!”

“Yes?”

“BE READY TO WHACK THEM IF THEY MOVE!”

“Of course.” Luna said before she teleported behind the two mares.

Spades walked right up to them. “If either of you move, Luna will give you instant head-impact trauma.”

Both portly mares gulped.

“Now...” Spades slowly stepped towards the motionless mares. He lowered his head and pressed his ear to the rightmost Blue’s belly, and waited.

And waited.

Princess Luna hummed a little ditty as she waited.

And waited.

Aaaand waited.

Aaaaaaaaand I’m gonna skip ahead a bit here, because it was a while that they waited until Spades stood up and pointed a hoof at the Blue he had been listening to the belly of.

“You’re a changeling.” he said, his face unreadable.

The Blue in question scrambled backwards, forgetting Spades’s earlier warning.”No! Dear, it’s me! Blue! Your loving wi-“ and she was promptly slammed to the floor by Luna’s hammer, instantly knocking her out and causing her to lose her form.

Spades went to the real Blue and hugged he hard.

”Oh come on, I could’ve taken her!” whined Blue, crushing Spades with a return hug.

“I’m sure you could have, dear.” squeaked Spades.

“Mr. Duck,” Luna started whilst stringing Kissylips up to the rafters by the holes in her back legs, “Might I remind you that there is still another Changeling Queen in your house?”

”I never saw another queen other than that one you’re hanging up.” stated Blue. “But if I do I’ll be sure to pummel her.”

“Pleathe don’t.” whisper-shouted a voice from an alcove below the basement stairs. “I’ll come out willigly. I thwear I’m not evil.”

A small humanoid figurine that looked like it was made of plastic wobbled its way out from the darkness under the stairs, and all of the non-knocked-out occupants of the basement stared at it as it transformed into a lighter-colored version of Kissylips, but with glasses.

“I’m Crythtal Mitht.” said the lisping Changeling Queen.

“And, pray tell,” growled Luna, stepping closer to her, “how do we know you’re not evil, as you say?”

“Becauthe... uhh... becauthe my name ith in the regithtry of non-evil non-pony beingth living in Equethtria?”

”You said your name was Crystal Meth?” asked Blue Tea, pulling a small book labeled “Handy guide to non-evil non-pony beings living in Equestria, by Twilight Velvet, 35th edition” out of Spades’s saddlebags.

“Crythtal Mitht.”

”Meth?”

“Mithhttt.” lisped Crystal Mist, misting a bit with her spit on the extra ts.

”Hmm... Mist, Crystal, Former Changeling Queen-“

“I wath never a Queen. I detetht the whole hive mentality.”

Luna squinted at Crystal before grumbling out a “Fine.” and stepping back.

It was at this moment that Kissylips woke up to find herself dangling by her back leg holes from the ceiling. Looking up from the ground, she saw Crystal.

“Sister?!?”

“Hello Thithter.”

The two tall Changelings stared at each other for a moment in silence.

“So, are you two twins or something?” asked Spades.

Kissylips snorted and then replied “Chrysalis is my twin, although I am older by a minute. Crystal here is our older sister.” She wiggled a bit in her bindings but only managed to start spinning slowly whilst continuing to dangle.

“Chrythalith wath alwayth mother’th favorite child.” said Crystal Mist as she paced in a circle around the captured Kissylips. “Mother alwayth told her that thhhe wath the better of her thiblingth-“

“And always told us that we would never amount to anything.” finished Kissylips, who had spun so that she was no longer facing Spades and Blue, and was instead facing Luna and her massive rainbow warhammer.

“Still, this is no excuse for attempting to terrorize Mr. Duck and his wife.” said Luna, glaring at Kissylips. She turned her gaze to Crystal Mist, who backed up a step.

“Hey, I wath jutht here for the weekly PPP Club meeting.”

“Pray, tell me what is the PPP Club?” asked Luna, squinting squintily at Crystal.

“Wait...” started Spades. “You’re... Diamond Fog?”

“Technically, yeth, I am Diamond Fog. I own a thop on Thtarburtht thtreet. Thellth necklatheth. I have a marefriend named Golden Meadowthh.”

“I still don’t know what the PPP club is.” muttered Luna, giving Kissylips a push so she spun faster.

“Aw geez Crystal. I should’ve recognized your voice immediately.” Spades chuckled, making everycreature else uncomfortable. Spades quickly realized this and stopped laughing, causing the whole basement to lapse into silence for a minute.

What broke the silence was not a noise but instead the woosh of a shield as it expanded through the Duck household, disconnecting Kissylips from her legs and sending her flying out of the window, head first. It was a good thing that Alicorn Starlight was paying attention because she moved her head away from the basement window so as to not be impaled by Kissylips’s horn as she shot through the basement window like a cat out of a water cannon.

Starlight then decided that she had seen enough for one day and teleported away, supposedly forwards in time, before any of the flying glass from the broken window could hit her.

“Well...” Luna trailed off.

“That was a thing that just happened.” stated Spades, staring at the broken window.

”Yes. Yes it was.” Blue shuffled her feet.

“I, uh, should get these changelings back to the castle.” Luna said quietly.

“I really thhoud go check on Goldie. Make thhure thee’th okay, ethpethally after the whole changeling invathion...” said Crystal Mist quickly before turning into a breezie and heading for the window. “The meeting’th thtill on for next week, right, Thpadeth?”

“Yeah, unless Blue goes into labor. Then, consider it cancelled.”

“Alright. Thhee you then.” She flew out the window.

“I must be going now as well, Mr. Duck and Mrs. Tea.” Luna levitated the knocked out changelings into the air and teleported them away. “I am certain that my sister needs me right now.”

”See you later, then.”

“Mmm.” Luna disappeared in a flash of blue.

Spades stared at the Changeling-Queen-shaped impact crater in the middle of his basement. “Guess I’ll have to fix that.”

”Not right now, honey. I’m still a bit... hungry.”

“I have your requested foodstuffs right here.” assured Spades, giving his wife a quick nuzzle before taking the pickles and milk out of his saddlebags.

”Thank you, Spadsey.”

•••

And thus ends the ultimate saga of Spades Duck...

For now.

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