The Chapter In Which I Tell Y’all The Truth: None Of These Words Are Good (Alt Ending 2)
“Your medicine is death.” said Spades Duck, removing his ACME Husbando Sword from the corpse of the changeling. Without the changeling talking, Spades could hear the muffled shouting that was most definitely Blue who had been gagged and was in the basement.
But when Spades Duck went to ungag his wife, she transformed into the very evil changeling queen, Queen Kissylips, twin of Queen Chrysalis.
Spades remained unfazed. “My old nemesis! Where is my wife, foul beast?”
Kissylips was having none of that crap. “Boy you better show me sum RESPECT cuz I got a can here and it’s a can of... beans? Darn, it was supposed to be a can of butt whoopin’ but beans will have to do.” She threw the can of beans at Spades, but it missed. So, she picked it up again in her magic and threw it at Spades a second time. The second time, although a lot closer, was also a miss. “Third time is the charm?” said Kissylips as she threw the can for a third time. And this time it actually hit Spades, mostly because it was less of a throw and more of a drop. The can did not hurt Spades, because it wasn’t a can of butt-whoopin’.
Then Kissylips really attacked.
She opened with a hellish green beam of magic that was really, really green. Like so green you can’t even.
Spades avoided the devestating blast by teleporting behind Kissylips. “I’m sorry I had to do this-“
“How the HECK YOU’RE NOT A UNICORN HOW DID YOU TELEPORT?” yelled Kissylips, spinning around. Whoops. I forgot he was an earth pony. Too late now, I guess.
“I... don’t know?” replied Spades.
“YOU JUST FREAKING TELEPORTED!”
It wasn’t that bad of a slip, really.
“I know! But I don’t know how!”
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T KNOW HOW?” asked Blue Tea loudly, from her spot beneath the stairwell. She could now speak because she ate her gag. And the changeling that was supposed to be guarding her, it seems.
“Blue! You’re okay!”
“WHY WOULDN’T I BE?”
Kissylips facehoofed and sighed. Deeply.
“Man I thought you were DEAD, Blue!”
“HONEY IT’S OKAY. NOW DID I JUST HEAR YOU TELEPORTED?”
“Yes he did! Right behind me, too!”
”I DID NOT ASK YOU YOU STUPID CHANGELING!”
“...Sorry...”
“Apparently I did teleport.”
Why can’t they just drop it?
“HOW ODD.”
“Yes.”
Yes, how odd. How odd they just SIT THERE AND THERE IS NO EPIC FIGHTING! GAH!
“Sooo...” started Spades, drawing his ACME Husbando Sword.
Nevermind, he didn’t draw it. I was just being hopeful.
“Sooo... what?” asked Kissylips.
“You gagged my wife.”
“You teleported.”
“ACTUALLY THIS CHANGELING GAGGED ME.” interrupted Blue Tea, rolling over to reveal a flattened changeling. Guess she didn’t eat him.
“You killed Stanley!” cried Kissylips.
“NAW HE JUST FLAT.”
Stanley waved.
“What am I going to do with a flat changeling?”
Spades spoke up. “Mmmmmmm... you could use him as a kite!”
There was a flash from a corner, which was ignored by everyone, as it was only Twilight and Flash, kissing up a storm.
A literal storm.
Like, there was little flashes of lightning and tiny booms of thunder from this cutsey black-as-death mini storm cloud hovering a little to the left of the kissing couple.
“Why would I want a living kite?”
“WHY NOT.”
“...That’s a good question.”
“Blue is very smart. That’s why she’s a top-notch surgeon!” interjected Spades.
“AMONG OTHER THINGS.”
The three fell silent, until Kissylips couldn’t take it. “...So I looked around the house a little and was kind of wondering about the ducks and the shed.”
Spades spoke up happily. “What about ‘em?”
“Why so many ducks, and what’s in the shed?”
“I like ducks, and shovels.”
“Shovels.”
“Yes!”
“SPADSEY LOVES HIS SHOVELS.”
“Are we talkin’ like three shovels or what?”
“No no no no no no nooooo...” said Spades with a chuckle. “Maybe eighty or so.”
“Eighty shovels.”
“Give or take a few.”
“Eighty.”
“Ayes.”
”Shovels.”
Thunder rumbled from the mini cloud, covering up the sounds of smooching, because who wants to hear that?
“YES SHOVELS IT’S IN HIS NAME FOR CELESTIA’S SAKE.”
“...Fine.”
“NOW ASK ABOUT THE DUCKS.”
“What if I don’t want to ask about the ducks?”
“YOU WANT TO.”
“No I-“
“TWO HUNDRED THIRTEEN.”
“I told you that I didn’t want- TWO HUNDRED THIRTEEN? DUCKS?”
“Yep.”
“YES.”
“You know what?”
“What?”
“WHAT?”
“I don’t want to know.”
And with that, Kissylips teleported out of the basement.
“I THOUGHT SHE WOULD BE WORSE.”
“She impersonated you!”
“PONIES HAVE DONE WORSE TO ME.”
Flat Stanley spoke up from the floor. “Like how worse?”
This question confused Spades and Blue. It did not confuse Twilight and Flash, because they were not listening. The tiny cloud began to rain.
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN, FLAT CHANGELING?”
“Like, how much worse was the things ponies had done?”
“MY FATHER WOULD BEAT ME EVERYDAY.”
“That’s horrible!”
“I KNOW. HE’D NEVER LET ME WIN.”
“...Let you win?” A gust of wind from the ministorm flipped Stanley over. “Oop. Can’t see.”
He struggled on the ground for a bit until Spades flipped him back over.
“Thanks. So, what do you mean he never let you win?”
“AT CHESS, OF COURSE.”
“Oh.”
Spades wasn’t paying attention, as he had just noticed the snoggers and their cloud, which was now hailing. The cloud was hailing. Not... Twilight and Flash.
“Soo... Space, was it?”
“Spades. Spades Duck.”
“Spades. Did you actually teleport?”
Not this again...
“Apparently.”
Stanley attempted to do the “worm.” It turned out he was very good at it.
“SPADSEY?”
“Yes darling?”
“DO YOU HAVE MY PICKLES?”
“And your milk, darling.”
All was well.
This time around, Blue actually took her time eating the pickles and drinking the milk. Kissylips got really drunk while thinking about the teleporting earth pony, and fell off of a cliff as a result. The thingie at the wedding happened, blasting all changelings away except Stanley, because he was too good at the “worm” to be blasted.
The can of beans was opened to be eaten for dinner that night but instead a fist came out and clocked Spades good. Apparently the can of butt whoopin’ was mislabeled.
Twilight and Flash teleported away eventually, although the ministorm remains to this day.
Blue eventually gave birth to two beautiful foals, one horrendously ugly foal, and an ogre. The doctor explained the ogre away as “These things happen.” The ogre was named Shrek.
Stanley hangs on the wall in Spades’s living room, by choice. Shrek loves it when he does the “worm.”
The End
...noooot really. I ain’t done with Spades and neither is Pinkie Pie.
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Hey, my younger siblings read that book in, what, kindergarten? They even had to mail their own Flat Stanley to our relatives for a project.
9072279
Well now he's a changeling.
9102542
EVERYTHING
9103857
Gotta order it from ACME, of course.
9103936
Yes but you should talk to my edgy alicorn oc essix because he knows what's up and probably where to get one for free