• Member Since 7th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Jun 3rd, 2013

Thebomb


T

A boy who was beatin, left out, and alone is misteriously sent to Equestria. He wakes up to get attacked by timber wolfs. He's scared and hungry will he live to go back to his old life of misery and death or meet someone that will actually accept him?

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 15 )

Alright, first thing's first. One, it's accepted, not excepted. Two, you switch between the first and third person frequently. Especially during the description scenes.

See, you have a half-way decent concept that I'm deciding whether to love or hate. The bad thing is, it's an HiE. And one with a sad protagonist to boot. Not only is he sad, he's sad in both empathetical and actual terms. I'm talking about his character. I know we're supposed to feel sorry for him, but he just makes me want to shake my head in disappointment. I think the closest thing I have to describing him in my eyes is foppish.


On the other hand, it's a child, and if you pull this off correctly, you could probably win the hearts of many a viewer. (Because most of them are bleating lambs). Though, your intro sequence has already made me hate him enough already so I doubt that.

That aside, you need to double space whenever someone new starts talking. It doesn't matter if the chapter ends up looking like Angel Hair pasta, if you do that, I guarantee it'll reduce flak.

Overall....this story was.......not so good.

fwe

992758 Seconded.

Interesting, as far as I know there hasn't been a fic like this. Consider me interested.

992758
I don't really know what I could add... yeah...

when i started reading this i instantly pictured isaac (basicly a naked 1-year old) from that game: the binding of isaac...... :pinkiecrazy:
you have no desctriptions and that kind of makes your story 'bland' or 'naked' as it were, you should describe more things!
not only does it help set the enviorment witch makes the reader stay intrested, it also paces the story more evenly instead of burning through it's content! this is good, but can definetly improve. looking forward to more of this :pinkiehappy:
sorry for my horrible english by the way :twilightsheepish:

Well a decent story but the first comments got a point overall a
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
But it might turn out good so you know whatever

Read as far as "beatin."

All I'm going to say is remember to proof read your work afterwards, this will save embarrassment later. All to often I scold myself after realising an obvious mistake.

I like it...now where is the next chapter.

1311234 yeah sorry I got a lot on my hands trying to get a profreader..... But I should have the next chapter up in a day or two

JFK

1313069 come on im been here for 25w, 5d an i want pt2

Please continue this story.

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