Moonlight Guardian
Joined 16th Feb, 2018 ·
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- Glimmerglammer · 8.1k words · 572 views
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Be careful guys.
It's so edgy you can cut yourself.
Ah. It's one of those stories.
Is English your first language? I'm legitimately curious.
8765458
Yep.
nope English is not my first language, its German
8765550
Ah, fair enough. I would brush up on English basics before trying again. You'll be better received if you do that.
8765570
ok, thanks for the advise
8765574
It's no problem at all.
8765450
Hi, What exactly do you mean with "edgy"
8765458
What kind of Story if i may ask?
8766002
Its the embodiment of the "red and black alicorns" OC cliche, but blue and black instead.
8766316
i don't know yet, i am just writing what comes on my mind, so even i don't know wher it will end.
and what exactly is these cliche, sry but i am not realy familiar in all of this
8766342
Some common cliches I can list off my mind immediately include:
Dark toned alicorn
Tragic backstory
Mary Sue
8766367
Ahh, i think i understand now, Thanks for the information
The Shameless self insert is strong with this one. And I know Shamelessness.
I suggest proof reading, there are many errors. Also you have committed the greatest sin a FiMfiction author can commit, an OC, overpowered, alicorn. This does how ever, have an interesting plot. If you clean it up and tone it down a bit, you could have a good story. Best of luck.
Don't be discouraged by the feedback you get. All authors, fanfic or not, have at some point written a mary sue story. I recommend trying to 1.change the color pallet, black and red do not work for an alicorn, much less an MLP OC. 2.change character species, alicorns are essentially gods in MLP. Try being a batpony (also known as a Thestral), that will still allow for the use of fear and stealth in the night. 3.change the tone. Stories like Fallout Equestria can get away with being dark and gritty because it's set in an alternate timeline where rape, murder, and such is the norm. You can't get away with those in a timeline that is like the canon one. 4.Change the name. Moonlight Guardian sounds way to generic to be a name. Working off of the Thestral idea from #2, her name should be "Night eye" or "Midnight shield". 5.write plenty of character faults. My OC, Singal Flare, for example, is a pegasus and yet is perhaps the worst flier in Equestria. He is also socially awkward when it comes to talking to other ponies since he was adopted by two earth ponies who very protective of him.
(or at least that's his purely equestrian backstory, he also has a human/pony backstory but I don't want to get off topic.) . If you want to give your Oc amnesia of some sort, make your OC a social reck, and give her an insatiable curiosity of everything around her. 7.No human weapons. This is Equestria we're talking about, and the chances of an ancient Asian weaponry in a world dominated by medieval/modern architecture and culture is slim. We also have not really seen any actual weapons outside of magic and good old hoof v hoof action, so don't give your character blades.
Sorry if this seems overwhelming but as a fellow fanfic writer, I know what it feels like to pour your heart out into a story only for people to criticize it poorly or rudely. Every fanfic has the potential to become something amazing, but no one got without writing a few bad eggs. So keep on writing and if you need a proofreader, I'll be right here waiting for you.
It's good to know some people are legitimately trying to help instead of bitch about nothing.
8765550
So can you help correct my German translations in my metro story? Just curious.
And if you live in Germany don't... because of laws.
8768970
interesting comment. I laughed when you said "sin" lol
8779847
A very true statement
8779879
sure, i could help you, and the only Law that would prevent me would be if i wouldn't writ my own plot as far as i write my own it is at least in a gray zone and if not gray than it is allowed
Is this a black and red alicorn oc shitpost?
8808258
No it's my story about a blue and black alicorn who's going to find out more about it and it is NOT a Shitpost
I haven't started reading. Jesus Christ, I get that ponymaker OC's can be a warning sign, particularly ones with color schemes like yours and alicorns, but Jesus. That's a lot of hate.
8808258
'Dunno about you, but I've got one of my own for the sake of BS-ing around.
- MLP: FiM
- Comedy
- Random
Butter Knife is your everyday, somewhat-atypical, overly-generic "edgy" alicorn. Now then, prepare yourself for a nice dose of CRINGE.8989404
What do you mean with "BS-ing"?
8989432
I made that story just as a parody of some of the most common cliches that I've seen thus far.
I don't mean any offense, just poking a bit of fun at some of the things I often see in the new stories list.
And by BS-ing, I mean bullshitting. Basically, it's a story written for the sole purpose of breaking people's minds and logic.
8989438
Ah I understand
Are you still working on this because I'm enjoying it.
9004231
Yeah I am, I just need a short break after the "flow" from the last two days^^
Ha D-form. Two jokes came to mind. Deformed and then male anatomy.
I'm so childish for laughing at a word
9029999
about that I didn't thought as I named it that way 
Oh in Lunas name
8769502
As far as shitposts go, yours made me laugh. 10/10
Video Game insta kill
It was a good written chapter that had some misspelling but we all mess up a word or two.
Contrall should be control
9091093
and thanks for the feedback 
thanks for the info
I had trouble on what you meant by "outbreak" at first I thought it was her being scared. Like a child again. Because she really didn't have time to grow up and was forced to be an adult. So she had mood swings having to initial reaction like of a child. Hiding from the adult when you know you did something wrong. But you explain it in the end that she was using her emotions so much that she wasn't thinking straight. Please correct me if I'm wrong.
9097768
basicly you are right and to clearify "outbreak", It means "Ausbruch" in German and in german we have the phrase "Wut Ausbruch" what would wourldy translated mean "Rage Outbreak", or a "tantrum" so I brought in my german language a bit and used only the phrase "outbreak"
9097835
You should put that in the author's note. So people don't assume you're dumb. You know how people are.
9097844
Well yeah thanks for the info, just added it to the note
9034967
Not helping.
Why does this story have so many dislikes? I mean, it can't be that bad, right? ...Right?
9702630
I hope that's sarcasm I'm sensing. Because uh.
9702630
It could be bad, but I didn't get much feedback on "Why it is bad" the main reason apparently that the story is so disliked could be that the main character is a black alicorn. But still thank you for showing a bit interest into my story,