• Published 11th Jan 2018
  • 17,332 Views, 592 Comments

DON'T CALL ME CUTE - Flutterpriest

You are Anon. Or, at least, you used to be. Sort of. Now you're a filly. Let's just say, you're not thrilled with the change. And with it comes some unforseen consequences.

  • ...


They say 'when in Rome, do as the Romans do.' It makes sense. When you're out of your element, you blend yourself in. Assimilate, so to speak. But not in a weird, scary, dystopian way. Except, you're in a magical horse world called Equestria. In fact, you have been in Equestria for quite a while. But this story isn't about how long you've been in Equestria.

The sun beats in through your bedroom window. The bed-covers are warm, holding you gently as you slowly rise from your slumber. You open your eyes, black hair hanging down messily in front of your face. You raise a hoof to uncover your eyes when-

Wait. Immersion broken. ABORT.

Your eyes shoot open. You look at your hand. No. Hoof. Yes. That is a actual equine green hoof where your hand should be.

You leap out of bed and onto your feet. Er. Hooves. Strangely, you can stand straight up. But as you look down at your body, you notice many things extremely quickly. If you had to represent your thought process in words... it would be something like...

What? WHAT?! WHY? Oh my god. I'm a pony. Why am I so short? OH GOD I'm a LITTLE PONY. LIKE. A YOUNG ONE. How does that-- Wait. Where did my dick go? OH GOD ARE THOSE CROTCH TITS?! NOOOOOOOOPE.

You try to run over to your mirror, but fall on your face. Because you're a horse now. You carefully rise to all fours and 'QWOP' your way to your mirror.

Sure enough, you are in fact a green filly with a black mane and trembling emerald green eyes. As you turn, you notice your long black tail, and a question mark cutie mark. It's as if the world itself said: "Hey man, I dunno what to do with you. Hell with it. Figure it out."

"Oh, my Celestia," you mutter. But that wasn't what you tried to mutter. So you try again. "Oh my... Celestia?"

Celestia Damnit. This is just stupid. Now you can't even say what you want to say. Wait. Did you not even think what you wanted to think?

A shiver of fear spreads through your body.

"I've gotta see Twilight."

You charge into Twilight’s Library, and the mare is looking at you with a series of confused glances that you didn’t know ponies could make. It’s probably similar to when your Grandma made you goulash that one time, but she kept calling it quiche. So you had to just keep saying ‘Mmm. This is some good quiche.’ Dementia is a bitch.


It tasted awful. The quiche. Not the fluids.

Anyway, Twilight is noticeably concerned. She puts down her book and she trots over to you, her hoof-steps clacking against the crystal floors.

“Well, uhm. Hello little filly. I haven’t seen you around Ponyville before… Where are your parents?”


Twilight pauses, staring down at you.

“How?” she asks, her tone giving away that it is clearly not the only question on her mind.


Twilight simply stares down at you, as if the real Twilight had noped off to Uganda or something and left this puppet of a pony in her place to try and make some sort of sense of the situation in front of her.

“Why are you young?” Twilight asks in a deadpan tone.

“WHY AM I A GIRL?!” you scream.

“Okay, now let’s not panic,” Twilight says.


It’s at that moment that a loud beep exits your mouth. Almost like a dial tone. Not words. Just a tone.

“Wait, what?” you say. “F%$#. S%#$. Oh my Celestia, this is some bulls4#@.”

“Well, to be honest?” Twilight says, turning to her books. “That’s at least one improvement.”

“Oh, F%%# you,” you respond. “Twilight, you’re the ultimate deus ex machina. Get me back into my body.”

“Well, honestly Anon?” Twilight says. “We have no idea what did this to you. We have no idea what kind of side effects could occur or if there are other changes that are still going to happen. If I start doing random spells on you right now, we could do more lasting harm to you than good.”

“S%#,” you mumble. “So how can we find out?”

“Well,” Twilight says. “We’ll have to perform some tests to see what’s happening to you. Who knows how long that could take? Days? Weeks? If we can’t find out what’s happening, we can’t reverse it.”

You growl. Of course. Of freaking course the book horse needs to use the scientific method to figure this crud out. Where’s that new purple one? She does magic first and then asks questions later…

“Well what the h$#@ am I supposed to do in the meantime?”

“Well, what would a cute little-”

“Don’t you f#@$%^ dare call me cute, Sparkle,” you growl. “I will cut you.”

Twilight turns to glare at you.

“Ya done?” you reiterate.

You sit on the ground like a dog and fold your front hooves.

“What I was saying is, fillies about your… uh. Pony age, go to school. You might as well do that.”

You actually laugh out loud.

“Twilight, if you think, for a single second, that I am going to go to school, you are out of your Celestia d$#@ mind.”

“Rumble, what’s three plus three?” Cheerilee asks.

“Uh….” the pony lazily groans, as if he pulled up to the drive through menu and then suddenly forgot everything he wanted to order. “Five?”

Apparently, he forgot his order and was high as a kite.


“Anon!” Cheerilee chastises from the front of the room. “I have had just about enough of your outbursts. That’s detention.”

“I AM A GROWN MAN IN A PONY BODY,” you shout at the teacher pony. Honestly? You always thought she was kinda hot, but now that you’re a filly and no longer have a dick, those sort of sexual thoughts create more uncomfortable questions than you’re willing to answer today. That's next week Anon problems. “THIS IS BULLS$!@#!”

“Alright class,” Cheerilee says to her students, ignoring you. “It’s time for cookies and juice.”

“AW S%#,” you scream with joy while the other ponies cheer. Finally something you can get behind as a child non-sexually.

“Except for Anon,” Cheerilee continues. “Run along outside to play while I have a talk with our new student.”

The ponies bustle out of the classroom as you slam your head on the desk. This is like one of your worst nightmares. Except, like, ponified. The teacher moves up beside you and sits down. The look in her eyes isn’t one of reproach, but one of caring and concern.

“Anon,” Cheerilee says softly. “I know that things are hard right now.”

“Tell me about it,” you mumble into your wooden desk surface.

“But right now we’re in a really tough situation. There are laws regarding unattended and orphan children.”

“But I’m an adult,” you say, sitting up and looking her in the eye. “And more than that, I own real estate. I budget. I cook my own meals. I do all of the adulting.”

“We know, and we’re trying to keep all of that in place. But if somepony who isn’t from Ponyville sees some filly who isn’t in the system… well, it creates a lot of problems.”

You stare at the mare.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, for one, Twilight is going to adopt you. You’re adopted.”

You pause, staring incredulously at the horse in front of you.

“That was not what I expected.”

“For two, you need to keep going to school.”

“What about my job?!” you growl.

“Well, technically you live on disability now.”

“Oh, well okay. That works, I guess. Hooray for government care.”

“So, until this is all sorted, you’ll have to be this cute, little-”


You slam the doors of the Ponyville Castle shut behind you as you make your way into the kitchen. There, sitting at the kitchen table, is Spike.

“How’s it goin’, Anon?” he asks, setting down his comic book.

“F%@$ off, trash dragon.”

You make your way to the kitchen counter to grab a cookie when-

Oh F$@!# hell, you’re too short to reach them. You collapse on the ground, lying on your belly and splaying out all your hooves.

“Spike, kill me. End my existence once and for all. I’m fed up with this world.”

“What? Why?” Spike asks, stepping down from the table.

“I can’t cuss. I don’t have my little buddy anymore. I’ve already masturbated seven times today, and that got old quick. I’m too short to reach anything. Everypony keeps treating me like I’m a kid. And THAT. I keep doing that EVERYPONY thing. IT JUST HAPPENS.” You ruffle your mane in frustration and cover your head with your hooves.

You sniff.

“I just want to be in my old body.”

A silence falls over the room. You feel a scaly claw touch your back.

“Would you like some chocolate milk?” he asks.

“No. I don’t want some chocolate milk,” you pout.

Another silence.

“You suuuuuure you don’t want any chocolate milk?”

You pause.

“Yes, I want some chocolate milk.”

“I’ll get you some chocolate milk,” he says with a smile. “Now sit up and let me tell you something.”

The dragon sits down in front of you while you sit up like a dog, wiping your face with a hoof.

“We’re gonna get you out of this, alright?” he says confidently. “This sucks. But you’ll be back in your human body in no time. I promise.”

You look up to him with wide eyes.


He takes a step back.

“Yeah, but as long as you don’t do that. Jeez man, that was so cute that I forgot-”

You leap forward onto the dragon and land punch after punch into his stupid face.

“I. AM. NOT. CUTE,” you accent with each strike.

Suddenly you’re lifted into the air with a light purple aura and Spike sits up.

“It’s okay, Twilight,” Spike says. “I’m fine. It was the intensity of, like, a pillow fight.”

“I CAN’T EVEN BEAT YOU UP?!” you scream. "JUST KILL ME!"

“Anon,” Twilight says firmly. “I have no choice but to put you in time out.”


You lie in bed, staring at the ceiling, groaning to yourself. This isn’t your bed. This isn’t your home. This isn’t your body. This isn’t your life. How long are you going to have to stay a filly?

You roll over in bed and sigh to yourself.

“Maybe it won’t be so bad,” you mumble. “I used to remember when things were easier when I was a kid. Maybe I can make the best of this.”

You stare into space, before you sit up in bed.

“Oh Celestia, I’m never going to get laid. Like, ever.”

And this was the first day of many in your new life as filly Anon.