DON'T CALL ME CUTE

by Flutterpriest

First published

You are Anon. Or, at least, you used to be. Sort of. Now you're a filly. Let's just say, you're not thrilled with the change. And with it comes some unforseen consequences.

You are Anon. Or, at least, you used to be. Sort of. Now you're a filly. Let's just say, you're not thrilled with the change. And with it comes some unforeseen consequences.

Edited by Alex_

I WILL END YOU

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They say 'when in Rome, do as the Romans do.' It makes sense. When you're out of your element, you blend yourself in. Assimilate, so to speak. But not in a weird, scary, dystopian way.

Except, you're in a magical horse world called Equestria. In fact, you have been in Equestria.

The sun beats in through your bedroom window. The bedcovers are warm, holding you gently as you slowly rise from your slumber. You open your eyes, black hair hanging down messily in front of your face. You raise a hoof to uncover your eyes when-

Wait. Immersion broken.

Your eyes shoot open. You look at your hand. No. Hoof. Yes. That is a actual equine green hoof where your hand should be.

You leap out of bed and onto your feet. Er. Hooves. Strangely, you can stand straight up. But as you look down at your body, you notice many things extremely quickly. If you had to represent your thought process in words... it would be something like...

What? WHAT?! WHY? Oh my god. I'm a pony. Why am I so short. OH GOD I'm a LITTLE PONY. LIKE. A YOUNG ONE. How does that-- Wait. Where did my dick go? OH GOD ARE THOSE CROTCH TITS?! NOOOOOOOOPE.

You try to run over to your mirror, but fall on your face. Because you're a horse now. You carefully rise to all fours and 'QWOP' your way to your mirror.

Sure enough, you are in fact a green filly with a black mane. Trembling emerald green eyes. A long black tail, and a question mark cutie mark. It's as if the world itself said: "Hey man, I dunno what to do with you. Hell with it. Figure it out."

"Oh, my Celestia," you mutter. But that wasn't what you tried to mutter. Another shiver of fear spreads through your body. "I've gotta see Twilight."


"TWILIGHT MY BODY IS CHANGING AND MAKING WEIRD FLUIDS AND I DON'T KNOW WHY."

You charge into Twilight’s Library, and the mare is looking at you with a series of confused glances that you didn’t know ponies could make. It’s probably similar to when your Grandma made you goulash that one time, but she kept calling it quiche. So you had to just keep saying ‘Mmm. This is some good quiche.’

It tasted awful.

Anyway, Twilight is noticeably concerned. She puts down her book and she trots over to you, her hoofsteps clacking against the crystal floors.

“Well, uhm. Hello little filly. I haven’t seen you around Ponyville before… where are your parents?”

“I’M ANON, TWILIGHT. I’M THE HUMAN.”

Twilight pauses, staring down at you.

“How?” she asks.

“THAT’S WHAT I WANNA KNOW!”

Twilight simply stares down at you, as if the real Twilight had noped off to Uganda or something and left this puppet of a pony in her place to try and make some sort of sense of the situation in front of her.

“Why are you young?” Twilight asks in a deadpan tone.

“WHY AM I A GIRL?!” you scream.

“Okay, now let’s not panic,” Twilight says.

“I AM A HORSE NOW. WHY SHOULDN’T I PANIC? I THINK IT’S A F%$#!%@#-”

It’s at that moment that a loud beep exits your mouth. Almost like a dial tone. Not words. Just a tone.

“Wait, what?” you say. “F%$#. S%#$. Oh my God, this is some bulls4#@.”

“Well, to be honest?” Twilight says, turning to her books. “That’s at least one improvement.”

“Oh, F%%# you,” you respond. “Twilight, you’re the ultimate deus ex machina. Get me back into my body.”

“Well, honestly Anon?” Twilight says. “We have no idea what did this to you. We have no idea what sort of side effects could occur. Or if there are other changes that are still going to happen. If I began doing random spells on you right now, we could do more lasting harm than good.”

“S%#,” you mumble. “So how can we find out?”

“Well,” Twilight says. “We’ll have to perform some tests to see what’s happening to you. Who knows how long that could take? Days? Weeks? If we can’t find out what’s happening, we can’t reverse it.”

You growl. Of course. Of freaking course the book horse needs to use the scientific method to figure this crud out. Where’s that new purple one? She does magic first and then asks questions later…

“Well what the h$#@ am I supposed to do in the meantime?”

“Well, what would a cute little-”

“Don’t you f#@$%^ dare call me cute, Sparkle,” you growl. “I will cut you.”

Twilight turns to glare at you.

“Ya done?”

You sit on the ground like a dog and fold your front hooves.

“What I was saying is, fillies about your… uh. Pony age, go to school. You might as well do that.”

You actually laugh out loud.

“Twilight, if you think, for a single second, that I am going to to go to Ponyville school, you are out of your godd$#@ mind.”


“Rumble, what’s three plus three?” Cheerilee asks.

“Uh….” the pony lazily groans, as if he pulled up to the drive through menu and then suddenly forgot everything he wanted to order. “Five?”

“IT’S F%$#@% SIX. IT’S SIX YOU F#$@^%@ IMBECILE.”

“Anon!” Cheerilee chastises from the front of the room. “I have had just about enough of your outbursts. That’s detention.”

“I AM A GROWN MAN IN A PONY BODY,” you shout at the teacher pony. Honestly? You always thought she was kinda hot, but now that you’re a filly and no longer have a dick, those sort of sexual thoughts create more uncomfortable questions than you’re willing to answer today. “THIS IS BULLS$!@#!”

“Alright class,” Cheerilee says to her students, ignoring you. “It’s time for cookies and juice.”

“AW S%#,” you scream while the other ponies cheer.

“Except for Anon,” Cheerilee continues. “Run along outside to play while I have a talking to our new student.”

The ponies bustle out of the classroom as you slam your head on the desk. This is like one of your worst nightmares. Except, like, ponified. The teacher moves up beside you and sits down. The look in her eyes isn’t one of reproach, but one of caring and concern.

“Anon,” Cheerilee says softly. “I know that things are hard right now.”

“Tell me about it,” you mumble into your wooden desk top.

“But right now we’re in a really rough situation. There are laws regarding unattended and orphan children.”

“But I’m an adult,” you say, sitting up and looking her in the eye. “And more than that, I own real estate. I budget. I cook my own meals.”

“We know, and we’re trying to keep all of that in place. But if someone who isn’t from Ponyville sees some filly who isn’t in the system… well, it creates a lot of problems.”

You stare at the mare.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, for one, Twilight is going to adopt you. You’re adopted.”

You pause, staring incredulously at the horse in front of you.

“That was not what I expected.”

“For two, you need to keep going to school.”

“What about my job?!” you growl.

“Well, technically you live on disability now.”

“Oh, well okay. That works, I guess.”

“So, until this is all sorted, you’ll have to be this cute, little-”

“I WILL END YOU IF YOU CALL ME CUTE.”


You slam the doors of the Ponyville Castle shut behind you as you make your way into the kitchen. There, sitting at the kitchen table, is Spike.

“How’s it goin’, Anon?” he asks, setting down his comic book.

“F%@$ off, trash dragon.”

You make your way to the kitchen counter to grab a cookie when-

Oh F$@!# hell, you’re too short to reach them. You collapse on the ground, lying on your belly and splaying out all your hooves.

“Spike, kill me. End my existence. I’m fed up with this world.”

“Huh?” Spike says, stepping down from the table.

“I can’t cuss. I don’t have my little buddy anymore. I’ve already masturbated seven times today, and that got old quick. I’m too short to reach anything. Everypony keeps treating me like I’m a kid. And THAT. I keep doing that EVERYPONY thing. IT JUST HAPPENS.” You ruffle your mane in frustration and cover your head with your hooves.

You sniff.

“I just want to be in my old body.”

A silence falls over the room. You feel a scaly hand touch your back.

“Would you like some chocolate milk?” he asks.

“No. I don’t want some chocolate milk,” you pout.

Another silence.

“You suuuuuure you don’t want any chocolate milk?”

You pause.

“Yes, I want some chocolate milk.”

“I’ll get you some chocolate milk,” he says with a smile. “Now sit up and let me tell you something.”

The dragon sits down in front of you while you sit up like a dog, wiping your face with a hoof.

“We’re gonna get you out of this, alright?” he says confidently. “This sucks. But you’ll be back in your human body in no time. I promise.”

You look up to him with wide eyes.

“Promise?”

He takes a step back.

“Yeah, but as long as you don’t do that. Jeez man, that was so cute that I forgot-”

You leap forward onto the dragon and land punch after punch into the little dragon.

“I. AM. NOT. CUTE,” you accent with each strike.

Suddenly you’re lifted into the air with a light purple aura and Spike sits up.

“It’s okay, Twilight,” Spike says. “I’m fine. It was the intensity of, like, a pillow fight.”

“I CAN’T EVEN BEAT YOU UP?!” you scream.

“Anon,” Twilight says firmly. “I have no choice but to put you in time out.”

“NO, F%@# OFF. FIGHT THE POWER. YOU CAN’T KEEP ME DOWN. I’M A GROWN MAN.”


You lie in bed, staring at the ceiling, groaning to yourself. This isn’t your bed. This isn’t your home. This isn’t your body.

This isn’t your life.

How long are you going to have to be a filly?

You roll over in bed and sigh to yourself.

“Maybe it won’t be so bad,” you mutter. “I used to remember when things were easier when I was a kid. Maybe I can make the best of this.”

You stare into space, before you sit up in bed.

“Oh god, I’m never going to get laid. Like, ever.”

And this was the first day of many in your new life as filly Anon.

I AM AN ADULT

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The gentle clink of cutlery on porcelain echoes through the dining room. You've folded your hooves and glare across the table at Spike and Twilight.

"I want bacon," you mutter.

"Ponies don't eat meat, Anon."

"Bull$##@," you retort. "I saw you guys eat eggs once. That's chicken children. And why the h%#$ would you raise pigs for any other reason than to eat them?"

"Oh! I know this!" Spike chirps up. "Manure!"

You pause, glaring at the dragon.

"So, they're S$#@ machines."

"Let's not get into this, boys."

"I am a woman now," you shoot back.

"Mare," says spike.

"Filly," Twilight corrects. "Not the point. Point is, we aren't getting into the carnivore conversation."

"Well, if I don't get meat eventually, this carnivore is going to turn into a cannibal," you say, leaping from your spot at the table. "I'm going out."

"Where to?" Twilight asks, cocking an eyebrow.

"Out."

"Uh, dude. You need an adult," Spike chirps.

"I AM AN ADULT," you shout back, before slamming the door behind you.


The sun is high in the sky as you make your way through Ponyville Market, you see all of the familiar faces that you've grown used to over the time you've had in Ponyville. Sadly, none of them recognize you in the way you recognize them. It seems that news hasn't spread quite as quickly as you would have liked. Great. How are you going to go grocery shopping for some meat now?

You could probably run back to your house and get your bits, fry yourself a nice steak, then head back to Twilight's. That shouldn't be a problem. The real problem would be getting the food. Since the market is on the way, why not?

Quickly, you spy a familiar face. Applejack and Applebloom, who call out to the market about their fresh new harvest being sold at discount prices, that happens to be a higher price that they said last week. Sales are weird.

You trot up to them, and AJ turns her head to greet her approaching customer.

"Well Howdy there Anon! What brings you here?"

"Grocery shopping," you respond. "But I'm beginning to realize this might not be as easy as I anticipated."

"Why's that?" she asks.

"Well, Can I buy a pint of cider?"

Applejack grows silent.

"Okay, yeh. Now I see your problem."

"Yeeeah. Who is going to sell a filly anything that tastes any good?"

Applejack nods, then pauses.

"Why don't you get Twilight to buy you the things you want? Isn't she your mom now?"

"Twilight isn't my real Mom!" you growl back.

A few ponies passing by whisper to each other and glare at you.

"Well, that rumor will probably be in the paper tomorrow," AJ sighs. "Great. So, I'm guessing this is where you ask me to buy things for you."

"Yeah, basically."

"No can do."

"Why?!"

"I could lose my market privledges if I bought a filly something they aren't allowed to have. That's my livelyhood, Anon. Ain't gonna happen."

"Well, S$#@."

"What's S$#@?" Applebloom asks.

AJ glares at you, as you look back to Applebloom.

"You know what? I'm just. uh. Leaving."

"You do that."

You walk away from the stall, sighing to yourself. Well that was a trainwreck. What now?

Wait. You're a filly. You have the powers of cute on your side. How can you make this work?

You spot a target. Just a few stalls down seems to be a traveling merchant. A baker, even. She has various muffins, pies, cakes... everything a filly your age would want. All you have to do is turn on the charm.

So what do kids do that is cute?

... You got it.

You trot up to the baker wearing a wide smile, you flick your hair back. Wait, is that cute or sexy? No, definitely sexy. Go for cute. You flick it forward, hiding a part of your face away as if trying to disappear. Perfect.

As you approach the stall, the purple mare smiles and looks down to you.

"Hi there, sweetheart," she says. "My name's Sugar Belle, are you interested in buying a cupcake?"

"O-oh, well. I'm actually a little lost. See, I've been saving my allowance for a very, very long time... I wanted to buy something really special for my birthday, but the griffon stall won't let me get it. So, I guess I'll get a cupcake."

The mare's eyes sparkle, and you know you've began to win over your target. Holy shit, this works.

"The griffon won't let you buy it? Well that doesn't seem right."

"I guess it can't be helped," you sigh. "I've been looking so forward to it too."

The mare looks left, then right, making sure they weren't being overheard.

"What was it you were going to buy, little one? Maybe I can step away and buy it for you."

You light up, standing up straight, words vomiting out of your mouth faster than you can think.

"An 18oz Bone-in Ribeye steak that was marinating in herbs and scotch whiskey for 24 hours."

A silence falls between you and Sugar Belle. Wait. Fuck. You just gave away the game. Quick. Think of something! Be a kid. What would a kid do?

You shove a hoof up your nose and begin to pick.

Oh my god, you're hopeless, Anon.


You walk through the doors of the Ponyville Castle, your emotions almost as exhausted as your body. Your stomach gurgles, yearning for food. You really should have ate earlier.

Then, you notice something. You sniff. The air tastes of salt and savory. You recognize that smell.

Bacon.

You charge into the dining room, and there, sitting at the place where you sat only a few hours ago, is a small plate with pieces of bacon stacked with care. Twilight sits accross the table, looking towards you.

"Anon, would you sit down for a second? I'd like to apologize."

You blink, then trot to the table and hoist yourself up on the seat.

"This whole... filly situation is still really strange. And I admit that I let my excitement to show you the pony lifestyle get to me almost as much as I was excited to exercise my duties as an adoptive parent," Twilight chuckles and looks away. "It's always sort of... been a dream for me. Sort of. I haven't been respecting that you're an adult in a child's body and got carried away. I'm sorry."

You look down to the bacon. Your stomach churns.

"Twilight, it's not all you," you say with a sigh. "This whole situation is weird. And it hurts me a lot. I admit that I let my emotions get the best of me. I usually blame the body, but I've been a jerk as a human too. It's not really fair to you."

You sigh.

"You're doing a lot for me, and I've been disrespectful to that, and I'm sorry too."

A silence falls between you and the alicorn princess sitting in front of you.

"So, can I eat this?" you ask.

"Only if you allow me to take notes, and it's a science experiment of the effects of meat on the equine body."

You pause. You look down to the bacon, then back to Twilight.

"You underestimate my love for bacon, Ms. Sparkle. It's a deal."

I CAN'T EAT BACON

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The toilet flushes as you have your body draped over the porcelain throne. Your head is still resting in the bowl, your lips just inches from the water as it pushes your guts out to the sewers.

"I SWEAR I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WOULD HAPPEN, ANON," Twilight shouts into the bathroom door.

'F%^$#@%$ bacon,' you mutter under your breath. 'Never again.'

"Can I get you anything?" Twilight continues, raising her voice. "SPIKE COME HERE! ANON NEEDS SOMETHING!"

"I don't need anything," you moan back. However, just the act of speaking stirs your stomach enough to feel a burp coming up.

"HOW ABOUT A BATH? SPIKE GET ANON EVERYTHING!"

"I don't need-"

That's not a burp.


The toilet finishes flushing as you exit the bathroom, leaning your filly form against the door frame.

"I can't even eat bacon anymore," you mumble to Twilight.

Twilight stands quietly, her experession concerned as she holds out a rubber ducky in her hoof.

"Mr. Quackers says he's sorry," Twilight says. "And I'm sorry too."

You look up to Twilight, then down to the crystal floor.

"It's okay," you answer, trying to stand straight on all four hooves. "You wouldn't have known. And your heart was in the right place."

"Yeah?" she asks.

"Yeah."

Off down the hall, you hear a grinding against the floors. You look down the hall to find Spike lugging a huge bag behind him.

"Never mind, Spike! We're good," Twilight calls down at him.

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF-"

"You know," you cut off Spike. "I just realized something. How come you guys never finish your explatives?"

Twilight turns back to you as Spike turns around and begins dragging the bag in the opposite direction.

"What are you talking about? Tell me about it as we get ready for today's experiment."

Twilight begins walking down the hall, and you follow along behind her.

"Well, you guys say things like 'What the--!!' or 'Oh my--!!' Right before you'd say G$# or B$#@% or-"

"Okay, Anon. I get the point. Please. The language."

"And what?" you continue. "Does that sort of language hurt you ponies? I genuinely don't understand why you guys have all these weird things you do to stay PC."

"Well, first of all, that loud beep that comes out of your throat hurts our ears."

"Then why doesn't it hurt me?"

"Well, we're amounting that to... well. Uh."

"What?"

"You're kind of a bad pony. Person. Thing."

You stop, somewhat shocked by the answer. Then, nod and continue on.

"It checks out. So does that mean there's pony gangs out there that say bad words and do bad things?"

"Well, I don't know about that," Twilight says, holding the door to her study open for you. "But I can definitely say that most ponies go through a rebellious phase where we say things we shouldn't."

Twilight's ears fold down and a blush comes over her face as you enter the room and sit on the victim chair. Er. Patient Zero Testing Area.

"Once, when I was a teen... I even once said... Crap... to my mom!"

You stare at Twilight as she looks around, as if she just stole a book from the library.

"Wow," you answer.

"Yeah, I was a bit of a-"

"That is the most prude thing I have ever heard come out of your mouth."

Twilight glares at you. You shrug back at her.

"Alright. Are you ready for testing some more spells?"

"Yeah, sure. Maybe we'll move from 'feeling funny' to 'throwing up more'."

"Well, I hope not," Twilight says, moving to her big book o' spells. "Because after this, you need to see Mayor Mare."

"Why?" you ask.

"Oh, nothing big," she says. Her horn lighting up. "Just taxes."

"Wait, wha-"


You sit in a chair that is way too big for you, your head resting on your hoof. City hall smells like old people. Old people and rat traps. Your eyes move from the receptionist, some overweight mare that you've seen eating at Sugarcube Corner nearly every time you've gone there. You kind of half wonder what her story is. Like, who is she? What's her name? Why does she always eat a blueberry muffin?

Most importantly, why are you so bored that you're making up backstories for random ponies that you see in real life.

You look then to the waiting room table in front of you, where there's a few magazines that at least a year old. That is, unless Photo Finish is still in the hospital. Celebrity gossip is not your thing. Like, at all.

Then you look outside. There's another older pony sitting on a park bench, watching the birds.

Okay then, receptionist story time. So, let's make her name Sonya Weatherwood. She's an older mare who used to live in Canterlot. Used to come from money. Loves food. She does that thing where she exercises and works out a lot, loses a lot of weight, then gets caught up in life and gains a bunch. She has two dogs named-

Mayor Mare opens the door at the far end of the room and pokes her head out.

"Anonymous the Human?"

"Oh thank F$@#" you say, leaping out of your chair. "I was worried there would be a full chapter."

"What?"

"Nothing," you say, stepping into Mayor Mare's office. "What can I do for you?"

"Well, you see, Anon," Mayor Mare says, closing the door behind you. "This whole transformation has completely bungled our tax system. So, we need to figure out how we're going to handle this situation and file a lot of the paperwork for the Equian Revenue Service."

"A lot of paperwork?" you ask, sitting across from her desk in one of her guest chairs. "Like, how much."

"Well, the good news is that we've filled out your adoption forms. And luckily, we found a precident for princess adoption before for a Mr. Blade nearly a thousand years ago. That stallion was quite a peculiar case. Never mind that, though. We need to work out how you've gone from paying adult to a dependent."

"Uhm," you start. "How technical is this going to get? I'm going to be honest here, I'm the kind of guy. Er. Pony. Whatever. Who likes just being told where to sign and how much to pay."

A look of disgust flutters across Mayor Mare's face.

"That's horrifying," she says. "All of these matters must be litigated and documented property. It's your adult duty."

You raise your hooves in anger and point at yourself.

"Hi."

"Oh, well," Mayor Mare sits down. "I'll tell you where to sign and then we should find out how many bits you owe in a few weeks."

"Wait, so you brought me down here just to sign things?" you ask angrily. "I was working with Twilight to, you know, be a human again. That's kind of important to me. Couldn't you just throw a signature down?"

"Not at all!" Mayor says. "I had to do research on this. See, since you're an adult mind in a child's body, we cannot trust your signature in your physical form. Your body may want and sign one thing, or refuse to sign something that your mind wants you to sign. It's all in 'Curses and Artifacts, a Litigation Process Volume 3'.

Oh my F$#@!$# G$#.

"Okay, then how about this. Since you know so much about law and paperwork and adulting, how about I ask you a question,"

"Sure," she says. "Then we really better get started."

"So, like, if I masturbate, is that sexual assault against a minor?"

A silence fills the room.


"And then she just told me she would handle everything," you reply, sipping a glass of orange juice. "Can't I have just one cup of coffee?"

"No," Twilight shoots back. "And just for that, there will be no dessert tonight."

"OH COME ON!" you and Spike yell back in unison.

"It was FUNNY!" you shout out.

"It was NOT funny," she shoots back. "Now it's bed time. Go to your room."

You jump off your chair at the kitchen table and stomp away.

"It was pretty funny," Spike whispers to you.

"F$#@!$ THANK you," you hush back.

"BED. NOW. YOU TOO, SPIKE!" Twilight calls from the kitchen.

At least you don't have to pay taxes. Probably.