• Published 10th Jan 2018
  • 3,618 Views, 36 Comments

It's not like I want to be your friend or anything, weirdo! - Hamburgertime

In which Starlight Glimmer causes, and hopefully solves, an interdimensional friendship incident.

  • ...

Chapter 3 - Third time's the charm, again!

“I’M SOORREEE-HEEEEEE-HEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee!!” Twilight whined tearfully, pawing at Gregory’s door. She slid down the smooth crystal surface, her hooves making a high-pitched squeal as she collapsed in a pathetic purple princess pony puddle at the foot of the door.
“Oooh, it’s hopeless…” she moaned, covering her head with her hooves.

“No no Sparkle, keep trying, Trixie thinks you could be even more pathetic if you really put your heart into it.” Trixie commented helpfully, her magical aura popping a hoofful of popcorn into her mouth from the bag levitating at her side. “The alien will have to open the door”- she continued, obnoxiously chewing with her mouth open-“if you make a big enough scene!”

“Now Trixie, I’m sure Twilight is pathetic enough.” Starlight conceded. “But I’m not sure it was a good idea to follow him to his room. As much as I want to fix this, it really seems like he wants to be alone.” She put a hoof to her chin in concern. “I think we might just be making things worse.” Just as she finished, the heavy crystal door slowly parted a crack, just enough for a slivers’ width of a baleful glare to be leveled at the three occupants of the hallway.

Immediately perking up, twilight raised her head to look up into Gregory’s angry, disapproving glare. “Gregory!” she cried happily, the joy and hope on her face somewhat diminished by the puffy eyes and running nose.

“Twilight.” Greg stated, voice leaden with anger.

“Yes Gregory?” Twilight responded, full of hope. Even though she’d screwed up, she could fix this! Friendship would prevail, and all would be forgiven! She’d overseen the spread of the Magic of Friendship™ to dragons, gryphons, and even that bitchcharlatan Trixie, she could do it for the human! Everything was going to be-

“GET. FUCKED.” Greg growled, before slamming the door hard enough to make all three mares wince and send an ugly crack shooting through the door frame.

“WAAAAAAAAAHHHH!” Twilight sobbed, returning to her previous state in a pile of tears, snot, and failure. “I’m never going to get puuu-huuu-bliiished!”

Starlight sidled up to Twilight, patting her on the withers awkwardly. “Uh, there...there, I’m sure he didn’t mean it, Twilight. He’s just upset, and if we give him some time to cool down, maybe we can come back later and smooth things out.” She gave Trixie a pointed look, then, nudged her head towards Twilight a couple times, trying to urge the lazy magician to help.

“Mff-*gulp* Oh yes,” Trixie piped up, swallowing the last of her popcorn. “It isn’t so bad, Sparkle! Plus, if Trixie were you she’d really take good advice when it’s offered. Trixie has been talking to some of your friends, and frankly the one thing we can agree on is that you’re way overdue for a good HNFF-” Trixie’s train of thought was fully derailed when Starlight, in a frenzied panic, crumpled up the mostly empty bag of popcorn in her magic and crammed it firmly into Trixie’s muzzle.

“I’m uh, sure what Trixie was TRYING to say”-she leveled an admonishing look at Trixie- “legitimate but highly inappropriate concerns about your love life notwithstanding, is that everything is going to be alright. If my time spent in the human world with Sunset Shimmer has taught me anything, it’s that humans are just obsessed with teats. Like, it’s all they think about all day long.” This was strange enough that Twilight temporarily ceased her sniffling, looking up at Starlight with a confused crook of her eyebrow. “But if I’ve learned TWO things,” Starlight continued, “it’s that humans are much more...er...open with their anger. But they’re also quick to forgive when that anger has cooled. He just needs some time, you’ll see.”

Twilight’s eyes shone with tears as she took in Starlight’s surprisingly touching off-the-cuff motivational speech. “R-really?” she asked, sniffling again as she attempted to stem the flow of tears, rubbing her hoof across her nose to clear it. “I guess you’re right.” she sighed. “We’ll just have to try again later and hopefully Gregory isn’t still furious.”

“Why is Greggy-weggy furious?”

All three mare froze at this, their eyes shrinking to frightened pinpricks. “Oh buck.” said Twilight and Starlight. “MH BFF” mumbled Trixie, the wadded-up popcorn bag still stuck in her mouth. As one, their heads all swiveled towards the source of the voice. There, standing in the hallway just behind them with a tray of tea cakes balanced on her back, was Pinkie Pie.

“MFFM HMFF-” Trixie screwed her eyes shut in frustration, and spat out the disgustingly soggy bag. “Ah! Pink one! Trixie was beginning to think you would never arrive with the promised treats!” Trixie trotted up to Pinkie, magicking a cake from the tray into her waiting maw. “Mmm, yes, much tastier than buttery paper. But yes, about the alien-”

“Greggy.” Pinkie corrected, much more sternly than anyone had expected.

“A-ah yes, the alien, uh, ‘Greggy’,” Trixie continued unabashedly, totally unable to recognize murder staring her right in the face “About all that. You’ll never guess what just happened! Trixie knows you are going to find this just hilarious!


Greg paced angrily in his room, actively trying to ignore the muffled conversation happening outside his door. ‘How dare they?’ he fumed, anger wound up in him like a spring. Every time he completed a lap in his room, the coil was tightened further and further, compressing his fury into a painful ember in his chest. ‘I’m not some goddamn...charity case! I didn’t come halfway across creation just to be treated like some homework assignment! In fact, I don’t need their so-called friendship in the first place. I’m better off alone...’ He was three quarters to convincing himself to open the door again and give them another piece of his mind when his angry inner tirade was wholly interrupted by a commotion outside his room.

“You did WHAT!?” yelled a voice that was somehow both sweetly high pitched, yet at the same time rumbled through his bones like an earthquake. What immediately followed was a series of screams, yelps, wails, and a myriad of unearthly sounds that made Greg question the existence of a kind and loving Celestia. He fearfully turned away from the door, hoping that if he ignored it hard enough, whatever was happening out there couldn’t get him. As quickly as it had begun, it ceased, and an almost unnatural quiet returned to his room. He took a few breaths, ears strained for any further noises. One came - a soft, almost fearful pleading: “...Greggy weggy?”

Greg froze in place, his fists clenched tightly. “Pinkie.” he stated simply, not turning around to face the newcomer to his room. “I’m sure my door was locked.”

“Heh, you know me,” Pinkie replied, her voice a muted shadow of its normally perky tone. “that’s never stopped me before.” A pregnant pause filled the air between them. “Are...are you okay, Greggy?”

Gregory took a moment to respond, his fists clenching and unclenching as he considered the question. “Are you...do you just…” he trailed off, seemingly unable to find the right words. “Am I just..an errand to you? Something to tick off a checklist?” Greg asked, a noticeable hitch in his voice.

Greg didn’t see Pinkie visibly flinch at the question, nor see her hair lose some of its puffy lustre. He did, however, hear her bridge the distance between them; tentatively at first, her hooves ringing out on the hard crystal floor as she made her way to him. She nuzzled his closed fist, nudging it with her forehead and allowing his fist to rest between her ears, deforming the mess of cotton-candy pink curls there. Taking a breath and still speaking in a disarmingly soft tone, she replied: “Never. Never ever, Greggy. Ever since I first made you smile I promised myself I’d be there for you, even when you’re frowny-wowny.” She stomped her hoof mildy for emphasis. “Especially when you’re frowny-wowny.” Greg’s posture relaxed almost imperceptibly, but even such a small change was picked up by the deceptively perceptive pony. “Remember the first time I made you smile?” she asked hopefully, trying to remind Greg of happier times. Her question found purchase in his mind, and Greg thought back to his first meeting with the unflappable party planner.

“Look, I appreciate the thought, miss uh…?”

“Pinkie Pie!” Pinkie cheered emphatically, a small burst of confetting seeming to materialize from nowhere..

“Yes, Miss Pinkie Pie, I appreciate the cupcake, but I made it clear to your Princess that I want to be left alone. So can you please leave?” Greg asked while gesturing meaningfully to the door.

“B-but you’re new in town! And I haven’t thrown you a party!” Pinkie pleaded, as though it was the most severe travesty in history (which it was).

Greg averted his eyes from the powerfully pouting baby blues and sighed deeply, his previously stern posture seeming to shrink into one of defeat. “Look, just...go, okay? I’m serious.”

Pinkie steeled herself, firmly staying in place. With a determined, stony look on her face, she replied: “Hi serious.” she paused a moment, Greg’s eyes quickly snapping to her in confusion. She took a deep breath, as if to make some great proclamation. “...I’m Dad.”

Greg stood stunned, unable to process what had just happened. Shakily, he stepped back from the Pink Punster; one step after another drawing him backwards until his knees hit his bed and he sat down roughly with a light *pomf*. Holding his head in his hands, a ghost of a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. Like the most delicate of sparks growing to a raging inferno, what started as a barely audible chuckle evolved into deep, breathy howls of laughter, tears streaming down his cheeks. Pinkie closed the distance between them, placing a forehoof on his knee and hoisting herself up, spreading her other foreleg wide and offering a hug. Greg accepted the gesture and pulled her into a tight hug as his body shook. She kept holding him as the tears continued and his laughs turned to sobs.

Gregory took a deep, shaky breath before replying. “Yeah Pinks, I remember. Thanks, by the way.” Slowly, he unclenched his fists, his hand resting palm-down between Pinkies ears, which he began to scratch affectionately. Humming with enjoyment, Pinkie leaned into his side, encouraging him to continue. “I just...are you going to be the only one?” Greg asked with pain in his voice.

Pinkie nuzzled him again “I still mean what I said earlier, Greggy-weggy. My friends are good ponies, even if they’re meanie weanie...silly billy…” Pinkie frowned, seemingly unable to find the appropriate admonishment “...dumb plotholes sometimes.” Greg snorted mirthfully, despite himself. “I know they really can be your friends. Please don’t give up, Greggy.”

Greg grimaced, as though he was trying to stomach particularly vile cough syrup. Though try as he might, he couldn’t stop the ceaseless optimism and warmth of the pony next to him from draining the bitterness from him. ‘A spoonful of sugar really helps the medicine go down, eh Pinkie?’ he mused, wryly. “Fine.” he said, with some difficulty. “Fine. ONE more chance, Pinkie. And that’s between all of them. Another fuck-up and all of your friends are permanently on my shit-list. AND they have to be the ones to make the first move.”

Pinkie simply looked up at him, a knowing grin on her muzzle. “Oh, I wouldn’t be too worried about that…”


A few hours later, Trixie and Starlight flopped dejectedly on the friendship table, their pained, exhausted faces practically melting into the cold, hard crystal. Not far behind, Twilight took up position across from them in a similar state - an awkward, bow-legged gait causing her to walk more slowly than she normally would. Eventually, the lengthy silence was broken.

“Trixie...Trixie did not think that many teacakes could fit there.”

Lacking the wherewithal to move even just her head, Twilight’s eyes swiveled to meet the blue braggart. “Well, at least they’re out...and at least Doctor Stable swore patient confidentiality...plus a royal decree enforceable by banishment.”

Starlight grimaced, though not because of the pain; she’d had a lot of time to think while waiting in the doctor’s office. “Pinkie was right, you guys.” Both Twilight and Trixie’s gazes swiveled to her. “Twilight, when you first took me under your wing, one of my biggest fears was that your friends would only give me the time of day because they were your friends. And one of my biggest mistakes was treating their friendship like nothing more than a chore.” Twilight nodded as best she could in agreement. “And here we are,” Starlight’s eyes fell dejectedly, “making the exact same mistakes again.” Twilight winced at that, though she offered no rebuttal. “No.” Starlight stated, sitting up straight and bringing her hoof down on the table. “I can’t let it end like this. I have to try again.” with that, she sprang to her hooves and quickly waddled awkwardly out of the map room, toward the guest wing of the castle.

Twilight raised her head and proudly watched her student leave, once again hopeful that the Magic of Friendship ™ could save the day. She was pulled from her thoughts by Trixie clearing her throat in an uncharacteristically polite manner. “Er, Sparkle, the crown will cover the hospital visit, right? Trixie doesn’t have insurance.” she admitted sheepishly. Twilight’s face returned to the table.


Starlight grew more nervous the closer she got to Greg’s room. Her earlier burst of confidence was waning, and that coupled with the fear that Pinkie might still be in his room filled her with a cold dread. Even still, she steeled herself and forced her hooves to carry her the rest of the way, stopping in front of his door. Taking a deep breath to ready herself, she raised her hoof to knock. ‘Okay Starlight, this is it. Just breathe. No plans, no schemes, just...friendship. You can do this.’ Hesitantly, she knocked on the door. Time seemed to drag on, the echoes reverberating through the shining hallway for what seemed like ages. Just as Starlight was about to lose her nerve and turn tail, the door opened a crack, the same eye as before appearing in it, though not nearly as angry looking. To Starlight’s immense surprise, the door then opened fully, a stone-faced Gregory standing before her. Human and pony stared at each other in silence; Starlight frozen with anxiety, and Gregory being true to his word and waiting for Starlight to make the first move. After the silence had extended well past what could be considered awkward, Gregory clicked his tongue in disappointment and started turning back into his room. Shocked out of her anxious reverie, Starlight blurted out “I’m Sorry!!”, her chest heaving with panicked breaths.

Greg stopped mid-turn, facing back towards Starlight with an expectant look on his face. “Oh?” he asked simply, prompting her to continue.

“I...I…” Starlight stammered for a moment, hoping to somehow channel her ‘wing-it’ powers for good, rather than evil for once. “I’m sorry for saying all those terrible things to you, I just panicked, and one thing led to another and before I knew it I’d put all four hooves in my mouth.” She looked up at Greg expectantly, only to be met by the same neutral expression and him rolling his hand in a ‘go on’ motion. Starlight gulped and soldiered on: “A-and I’m sorry that I treated you like a chore instead of like a pon-er, person; I should have known better!” she cried, stamping her hoof in irritation. “I just...I’m still new at this whole friendship thing and I bucked up! I’m sorry!” Fixing Greg with her most powerful pout, she was met with him continuing to prompt her further. At a bit of a loss, Starlight wracked her mind for any further transgressions. “Um, aaaaaaand...I’m sorry for lying to you in the hallway.” her ears splayed backwards and she blushed adorably in embarrassment. “I’m sure Trixie is sorry too, if that counts?” she looked up at Greg hopefully with a weak smile.

Greg put his hand to his chin and stroked his stubble, making exaggerated contemplative noises. “HMMMMMMM.” he mused, staring at Starlight, who wilted under his gaze. “HMMMMMMMMMM.” he continued, drawing out the tone until he was sure Starlight was going to break out into a nervous sweat. “I dunnoooo…” he continued dramatically “ what do you think, Pink?” he looked down and to his side, where Pinkie had materialized.

“GAH!” cried Starlight, hoof clutching her barrel in an attempt to contain her heart. “Pinkie!? How long have you been here?”

“Long enough.” Pinkie replied nonchalantly. She then fixed Starlight with a scrutinizing glare, and aping Gregory, she put a hoof to her chin and made several exaggerated thoughtful sounds. Starlight’s brow began to bead with nervous sweat, but after a moment relaxed when Pinkie’s expression morphed into a smile. “Hmm, not bad, but could have been better. Seven and a half out of ten.” she said glibly, looking up to Greg. “What do you think Greggy?

“Well, seven and a half is a pass…” he mused, thoughtfully. Starlight’s eyes lit up with hope, and a smile threatened to break out on her lips for the first time. Gregory too, couldn’t resist the infectious positivity, and his lips curled up faintly. With an audible *SQUEE*, Starlight’s face instantly transformed into a joyous grin, her eyes sparkling with happiness and unshed tears.

“Yes yes yes yes yes yes!” she chanted, pronking around the hallway in a tight circle. Hearing Greg snort in amusement, she stopped mid-pronk, her muzzle lighting up with a deep blush. “Heh-heh...I may have picked up a couple things studying under Twilight…”
Clearing her throat and cantering to her original spot at Gregory’s door, proffered her hoof to him, asking “Soooooo...friends?”

Greg looked meaningfully at the hoof hanging in the air between them. “Well...that depends. Are you going to report back to Twilight the second I say ‘yes’?” he asked with a playful tone.

Starlight just shook her head, keeping her hoof where it was. “Heh, nope, Twilight can wait. I was kiiiinda hoping to show you my kite collection, if you wanted?” she offered.

Greg internally d’awwed at the adorable nervousness in her voice. “Alright, sounds like something friends would do.” he said, finally extending his hand go grab her hoof and give it a firm shake. It was then that both of them noticed a sound just on the edge of hearing - a high-pitched tone that was quickly growing in both volume and pitch.
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYES!”Pinkie cheered, leaping from her spot by Gregory to encircle both Starlight and the human in a bone-crushing hug. “I KNEW YOU COULD DO IT STARRY!” she cried happily, continuing to lovingly crush the life out of two of her most bestest best friends.

“P-puh-pinks...can’t...air” Greg managed to choke out, while Starlight was faring worse and seemed to be turning from pink to a sickly blue color.

Pinkie giggled innocently, promptly dropping the pair into a pile of panicked gasping breaths. “Tee-hee! Whoopsie, almost did it again this week! Still, this calls for a celebration! I’m going to get more teacakes!” She turned to leave, stopping in front of Starlight, looming over her and staring deep into her eyes with a glare that could pierce the most solid stone. “DON’T. BUCK. UP.” she commanded, before her face instantly morphed back into its carefree default setting and she pronked merrily away.

Getting to his feet, Gregory simply added “Uhhh..that certainly just happened.” Helping Starlight to her hooves, he asked “You want to wait here for those teacakes?”

The magenta mage found herself gripped with fear, a thousand-yard stare locked onto her face. “No. No I do not. We need to get the Tartarus out of here.” she monotoned, quickly turning in the direction of her room and taking off at a gallop. Greg simply shrugged, and jogged after his friend.

Author's Note:

HUZZAH AND JUBILATIONS! I actually finished it! Only about a month and a half later than expected, too! ᕙ༼⊘͜ʟ⊘༽ᕗ

As usual, this whole thing was written in a single draft, so it's probably just lousy with errors! Let me know if you find anything!

I'm going to try something a little more serious for my next story, so I'd really appreciate some feedback. Thanks everyone!

Comments ( 11 )

Thank you very much! I hope you enjoy the conclusion. :twilightsmile:

Watching disasters in real time usually is! :rainbowlaugh:

Like a delicate ballet of destruction! :trollestia:

This was funny and adorable. Keep writing.

This all goes to reinforce my personal head-canon that somewhere back in the Pie family tree is a great-whatever-grandfather by the name of Tekeli-li. And ever since then the family's been just a little, off...

Good comedy! I really liked the imagery used before Pinkie showed up the first time in this chapter:

(... Pinkie really is a wonderful friend.)

collapsed in a pathetic purple princess pony puddle at the foot of the door.

Try saying that ten times fast.

I love your depiction of Pinkie; I could totally befriend her!

I hope we see more development in this story.

Thank you very much! Pinkie is fun to write, and finding a good serious/silly balance was tricky.
Ive been thinking about a sequel for years, but can't really think of a good way to evolve the current story.

8984816 My headcanon is that one of her several times great grandparents is Sleipnir, which makes her great+1 grandmother Loki, the trickster god of Norse mythology.

She has shapeshifting powers, including the ability to manifest extra legs, and is fast enough to outrun Rainbow Dash. She is also pretty much Discord-lite as far as her own shenanigans go. She even swears on her distant ancestor regularly. 'Okie Dokie Loki!'

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