• Published 10th Jan 2018
  • 3,618 Views, 36 Comments

It's not like I want to be your friend or anything, weirdo! - Hamburgertime



In which Starlight Glimmer causes, and hopefully solves, an interdimensional friendship incident.

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Chapter 2 - Second First Impresssions

“Okiiieee...doookie...lokie?” Pinkie Pie half declared, half asked, though it was definitely without the usual cheer that accompanied her motto. Letting her hoof slip from the doorway she turned to Gregory, giving him the tried and true baby blues puppy dog eyes. Greg seemed to be frozen in place, a near-catatonic look on his face and jaw agape as he continued to stare at the now closed door.

Ears wilting adorably, Pinkie placed a hoof comfortingly on Gregs' knee, and cried “I’m so sorry Starry said all those things Greggy Weggy! She’s normally much nicer than that! Except for the time she brainwashed and enslaved a bunch of ponies and stole their cutie marks! Or the time she destroyed Equestria multiple times by manipulating the time-space continuum! Or the time she mind controlled me and my friends because she felt that checking items off of her homework list was more important than actually spending time with us as ponies! Or the time she almost doomed the Crystal Empire to a frozen death rather than make up with her childhood friend! I mean, I’m sure your mom is a super classy lady and doesn’t even KNOW how to-” Pinkie was halted from her Pinkalicious rant by Gregory gently placing his hand on her head and idly petting the tangle of floof.

“N-no, Pinks, it’s okay. I’m really more...impressed than anything else. I mean, that’s the first time I’ve ever heard one of you four-legged marshmallows swear at all, let alone use the phrase-” he regained a thousand-yard stare as he tried to recall the exact phrasing “ ‘Manticore-fellating, beady-eyed diamond dog ass-sniffing motherfucker.’” Pinkie visibly winced at the harsh language, but forced a smile nonetheless. Greg continued to pet her between the ears as he thought out loud, the action seeming to soothe both of them equally. “I mean, is that how I’m going to be greeted by all of your friends? Because I’ll be honest - while it’s a refreshing change from the lectures I get from the Princess, whom I’m ninety percent sure will have an aneurysm if she doesn’t use the word ‘friendship’ in every sentence - “ Pinkie tried, but failed to stifle a laugh at Twilight’s expense “- I think it’ll get old pretty quickly.”

Pinkie literally leapt to her friends’ defense, rearing up to plant her forehooves on Gregory’s shoulders and look him earnestly in the eyes. “No no NO Greggy Weggy! All of my friends are super duper nice, and I’m sure they’ll love to make friends with you! Just let me throw you a party, and you’ll see!” At the word ‘party’, Pinkie’s eyes had lit up with excitement and her snout had definitely threatened what Gregory referred to as ‘The Democratic Republic of The Personal Bubble of the Nation of Gregistan’.

Greg leaned back slightly to put a few inches between him and the avatar of exuberance. “I dunno Pinkie. I mean, the only other friend of yours I’ve met is the Princess, and it’s clear she only wants to spend time with me so she can learn about me and where I come from.” His gaze morphed from contemplative to somewhat downcast “ It doesn’t seem like the ‘Princess of Friendship’ wants to be friends with me at all.”

“Gregory.” Pinkie, in a rare moment of seriousness, used Greg’s full name, getting his full attention quickly. “Though we show it differently, Twilight really, truly wants to be your friend. She just…-” Pinkie waved a hoof in a circle, searching for the correct term. “ Gets a little distracted with the details.” Beaming with a beatific smile, she continued “If you just give them a chance, I Pinkie Promise my friends will want to be your friend for the pony - er, hyooman you are. Even Starlight, despite whatever crazy has gotten into her head this time. Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” She finished, somehow completing all the actions without falling from her precarious leaning position on Gregory.

Unable to resist her infections smile, Greg’s frown did indeed turn upside down, and shy smile broke out on his lips. “Okay Pinkerino, you got me there. I still don’t know about any party,” Pinkie’s face melted into a desperate frown “ ...BUT, I’ll meet your other friends. And maybe I'll give that crazy Starlight mare another chance. MAYBE. we’ll see. Maybe.”

Pinkie’s face re-formed into a sly smile. “I dunno Greggy-Weggy, that sounds good, but I dunno if I trust you to keep your word. Maybe if there was some way we could be sure…”

Greg chuckled. “Haha, okay Pinks, I promise.”

“Noooooooo!” Pinkie wailed “Do it right!”

“Aw c’mon, don’t make me do the actions-”

“DO THE ACTIONS!” Pinkie cried, renewing her assault on the poor, battered D.R.P.B.N.G.

“Okay, OKAY! Cross my heart and hope to fly-”

===================================================================

Trixie was sure. This was it. This was the day she was going to die.

“HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! STOP! THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE CANNOT BREATHE!!!” Trixie bellowed, tears pouring from her eyes and her hoof furiously pounding the plush pillow of her guest bed as she laughed harder than she had years. “You seriously called his mother a ‘Zebra Lover’?!” she guffawed, her glee at Starlight’s blunder threatening to give her a permanent rictus. Said pony was currently sitting in the centre of the room in a miserable pile of shame and embarrassment, wishing the magical castle would open up and swallow her whole.

“I didn’t MEAN to!” Starlight wailed, her apple-red face covered by her forehooves. “I just-just started TALKING! And I couldn’t STOP! I just thought about how if I failed Twilight’s assignment I’d have to move in with you, and I panicked!”

Trixie paused her laughter to level a glare at Starlight. “Yes, clearly you have a habit of putting your hoof in your mouth.”

“I KNOOOooooooowwww!” Starlight moaned, her posture further curling in on itself in despair. “What am I supposed to do now? Forget being his first friend, at this rate I’m never going to be his friend at all!”

“Now now, ” Trixie said soothingly, using her magic to levitate a nearby dustpan and gently pat Starlight on the shoulder in what she assumed must be a comforting manner from the luxury of the bed. “The Great and Powerful Trixie admits she has, at times, perhaps, in a manner of speaking, had just the teeny-tiniest bit of trouble with first impressions in the past.”

Starlight paused her self pity party, parting her hooves slightly to glare out at Trixie from behind them. “You don’t say.” she droned dryly.

“Trixie DOES say!” Claimed Trixie proudly, missing the sarcasm entirely. “So if you simply MUST be friends with the monkey thing, Trixie will graciously help.”

Starlight dropped her hooves, a surprised look on her face. “Really? You’ll help me? I thought you didn’t want anything to threaten our friendship…”

“Oh Starlight,” Trixie waved a hoof dismissively. “Trixie is your very best friend! Of course I’d help you with anything. Of course, at this point, Trixie is fairly confident that there’s a snowball’s chance in Tartarus you’d ever become anything more than a passing acquaintance with the hyooman, but Trixie digresses.” Starlight made a motion to speak up and disagree, but quickly conceded that yeah, Trixie was probably right. “Now listen up Starry, this is what we’re going to do…”

===================================================================

Gregory half-walked, half-stumbled as he was dragged -literally- through the halls of Friendship Castle. With his wrist fully ensnared by Pinkie’s seemingly prehensile tail, Greg followed along unevenly as the Pronking Pink Party Pony dragged him down corridor after corridor.

“Aw c’mon Pinks, you can let go, I know how to walk!” Greg complained, the uneven pace of his tour guide slash captor making him unsteady on his feet. Pinkie stopped mid-pronk, freezing in mid-air as she looked back at Greg.

“I dunno Greggy, you don’t seem to be doing it right. I mean, you’re only using two legs silly-billy!” she giggled, resuming her downward arc and jolting Gregory forward again before his brain realized that Pinkie had just served physics another cease and desist order. “We’re gonna go in there, and you’re gonna make friends with Twilight, and I’m gonna help you and her do it right - OHMYGOSH!” Pinkie shouted in alarm, both releasing Greg’s wrist and taking on a look of panic. “Friendship needs teacakes! Emergency baking required! I’LLBERIGHTBACK!” she shouted, vanishing on the spot only to leave a Pinkie-shaped dust cloud, which slowly dissipated.

Left standing in some random corridor, Greg blinked a few times to process his situation. “Okay uh, I’ll just...stay here?” he said, to nobody in particular. Swiveling his head to take in his surroundings, he stuck his hands in his pockets and idly rocked back and forth on his heels, deciding to pass the time by counting the number of identical doors in the corridor.
“How the hell does a castle shaped like a tree only have straight corridors? Fucking magic, man.” he idly mused. As the minutes ticked by, Greg became more anxious that a pony other than Pinkie would come by, leaving him to perform dreaded and unwanted social interaction without his ceaselessly affable pink friend as a social buffer. His worst fears were realized when a door nearby him opened, and none other than Starlight Glimmer waltzed into the hall, freezing in place when her eyes met his. ‘Oh sweet Cthulhu no.’ he cursed inwardly, equally frozen in place as his fight or flight instinct collapsed in on itself.

Starlight couldn’t believe her eyes. ‘What the buck is he doing out of his room! There wasn’t a contingency for this!’ she screamed internally, ‘The timetable is already in shambles! Abort! ABORT!’ “ABO-” she began to shout out loud, her inward terror escaping outward through her muzzle. However, she was cut off rudely when an oblivious blue magician plowed into her, sending them both to the ground, hooves splayed out awkwardly.

“Buh-Starlight! What are you still doing here?! Trixie thought you were going to look for-” Trixie finally noticed the third being in the corridor, looming over the two downed ponies, looks of confusion and panic seemingly warring for dominance over his face. “-Gregory!” Trixie chirped pleasantly, the two mares scrambling to their hooves. “What a coincidence that the Great and Powerful Trixie should find the two of you, her good friend Starlight Glimmer, and you, Gregory, here at the same place and the same time!” Trixie delivered in a manner so wooden that the entirety of the Everfree Forest suddenly felt inadequate. “Isn’t that right Starlight? Starlight?” Trixie said through clenched teeth while raising a foreleg to elbow Starlight’s barrel.

Snapping out of her inner monologue of terror, Starlight picked up on Trixie’s insistence. “Oh! Uh! Y-Yes! I was just about to go looking for Gregory to apologize! Whatever is it that brings you here, Trixie?” Starlight asked, staring directly at Greg while addressing Trixie in the same ‘100% convincing’ tone that Trixie was using.

The total absurdity of the situation managed to override the social anxiety and awkwardness that would normally have kept him quiet, and Greg fixed the two mares with a suspicious glare. “Yes, I think I’d love to know that too, Miss...Trixie, was it?”

Slipping into her comfortable stage persona, Trixie flicked her mane back and held a hoof to her chest, doing her best to look the very picture of sincerity. It was a really, truly poor effort.
“Well, the GRRRREAT and Powerful TRRRIXIE was in need of a GOOD FRIEND,” she said, putting heavy emphasis on the term, “and came to the one pony she knew would fit the bill!” she finished, flashing a dazzling smile that would make a car salesman envious.

Continuing the performance, Starlight plastered on her best and least fake-looking smile. “Yes indeed! That’s me, the best and most reliable friend that anypony - or anyhyooman could have!” she claimed, placing only the most subtle of emphasis on the second phrase. ‘Nailed it!’ she cheered internally.

Greg however, was not entirely convinced by their seamless performance. “Let me get this straight.” He said, pointing at Trixie. “You, were looking for her, “ he pointed to Starlight, who wilted an iota at the gesture “ because you needed a ‘good friend’ ,” he said, adding fingerquotes “to solve some kind of problem.”

“CORRRRECT!” shouted Trixie, oblivious to the human’s incredulity.

“And you searched high and low for her, despite clearly coming out of the same closed room only moments apart.”

Starlight and Trixie only managed to stare at Gregory, fake smiles plastered to their faces and beads of nervous sweat beginning to form on their faces. “Yyyyyyyyyyyeeeeesssss?” Starlight answered, her chest tightening in anxiety as the tables of the conversation turned.

Gregory sighed deeply, pinching the bridge of his nose with one hand and screwing his eyes shut in an attempt to summon the effort for what was to come next. Lowering himself onto one knee, he looked Starlight straight in the eyes. "Look...Starlight, was it?" He paused as she nodded to him "I'm no stranger to cramming both of my feet, or in your case, hooves into my mouth. And I'll admit, that was one of the more, er, interesting things to happen lately, and I've been magically teleported from one universe to another." As Greg spoke, Starlight, against all odds, felt a flicker of hope blossom in her chest. "Look, what I'm trying to say is, I'm willing to start from scratch if you are." Here goes Pinkie, you can't say I broke one of your promises. He thought, holding out his hand in a gesture of goodwill.

Starlight could barely believe her ears. Despite her earlier buckup, she'd succeeded! She was going to make friends with Gregory and fulfill her mission from Twilight! No being kicked out and having to share a single mattress with Trixie! "Yes!" She cried happily. "That'd be great! That thing. Being friends. Definitely." She stared at Gregory, a manic smile on her face. After the silence drew out slightly longer than he'd expected, Greg quietly cleared his throat and jiggled his hand, politely trying to spur Starlight into action. "Oh! Yes, right! Shaking hooves is something that good friends do!" Starlight raised her hoof; all she had to do was shake his and she'd succeed! They'd be friends! Just a few more inches and-

SLAM! The nearest door behind Greg flew open unceremoniously, a sheepish Twilight Sparkle behind it. "Ah, heh heh, sorry about that, I still forget my own strength sometimes. Earth pony strength and all that..." she trailed off awkwardly. Seeming to notice the motley crew hanging out in the hall for the first time. "Oh! Starlight! Gregory! You look like you're getting along well!" She said happily, turning to Starlight. "I'm so glad I gave you that assignment."

Trixie and Starlight's eyes snapped to Twilight, their faces morphing into visages of dread. Gregory's head turned slowly, his brow creasing in suspicion. "...assignment?"

"Yup!" Twilight replied, despite the frantic hoof gestures that Trixie and Starlight were making; Trixie waving her hooves in a vaguely 'x' shape, while Starlight y drew her hoof across her neck in a 'cut it out' motion. Totally heedless to social cues, Twilight plowed forward. "Her assignment! I tasked her with making friends with you, and from what I can see, it totally worked! I'm the best Princess that teaches friendship." Twilight beamed proudly, painfully oblivious to the look on Greg's face.

Greg turned to Starlight, a grimace adorning his face. "So she only wanted to be my friend because you told her to?" he asked, withdrawing his hand and returning to his full height.

"Yup!" Twilight beamed again. "She only...oh...no..." Twilight's eyes bugged as she realized what she'd said. "Gregory! Wait! I can explain! It's not like it sounds!" Twilight cried, but Greg was already walking away, stomping back to his room with his fists and jaw clenched in anger.

Muzzles agape, Trixie and Starlight started at Twilight in disbelief. Starlight's rump fell to the ground, and she threw her hooves up in frustration.

"BUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!"

Author's Note:

Jubilations! Chapter 2 is here, slightly later than I'd hoped as I have no drive or commitment.

Published for your pleasure without pre-reading or editing, because I live my life on the edge. (Please help me.)

Huzzah!(?) (ノಠ_ಠ)ノ