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Tempestlight92 stories ·421 members
It's been a week since the defeat of the Storm King, and Tempest Shadow has been working hard to earn herself a good name. Unfortunately, this is hard to do when most ponies aren't willing to give you a chance. Luckily for her, she has Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship, on her side for when things get rough.
Tonight, however, things are going to change.
Sex tag for brief mentions, but no actual clop.
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(Hasn't read it yet) That word count is pretty leet(1337.)
Has now read it... Odd... I feel like this was a little too rushed, even for a one-shot. And, the Shining Armor is bi seems sorta out of place, like, yeah... I'm sure that if Shining was like that Twilight would be accepting, but what has that got to do with her own sexuality? Though, maybe I'm just being nitpicky?
Other than that I thought it was nice, a little fluff to put in my life, with my new favorite character that I almost wish they hadn't reformed, since writer's would still find a way to make a ship work between these two extremely compatible ponies, ah but I'm off topic. Like I said, I guess it wasn't awful, could probably even be argued good, by one-shot standards, but could also see some improvement.
Congrats on getting into writing! (fanfic is definitely a great way to do it).
This is a cute little fic, but it could use some work (like everyone!). You asked for help, so hopefully you don't mind a little constructive criticism.
The characterizations- especially Tempest- didn't seem to fit, and they weren't very distinguishable from each other. I did think Luna was good and her dialogue quite fitting for her, but Tempest especially I had trouble reading in her voice.
Another issue is this whole story felt rushed to the confession. Sometimes a fic can make it work, but we've seen so little of these characters interact it's not yet believable. Having flashbacks or just recollections of their growing relationship (as friends) would help make it flow more naturally where we're rooting for Tempest to just say it! But in this fic there was no surprise, not even that much conflict besides Tempest's inner turmoil (which does work as conflict).
The ending was also very abrupt... Tempest confesses but we never hear much from Twilight. Where does she stand, other than feeling flattered? Does she like her back? Just friends? I would think Tempest would be on the tips of her hooves to know if her love is returned, or if not, that they'll still be friends. You can definitely leave it open-ended (it's your fic, after all), but this just felt unresolved.
One minor thing that bugged me was the weird reactions to Shining Armor being with other stallions- I think it was supposed to be funny, but it felt strange in this kind of story, almost mean.
On the plus side!
Grammar and spelling are good, just a few minor things here and there but nothing that would stop me from reading.
The dialogue is pretty good, it flows and feels fairly natural. Oh! And you didn't have the crazy dialogue tags, big plus! Although you could use less dialogue tags in general (Tempest said, etc) because it's pretty clear who's speaking in most places.
The relationship we see at the end between the two characters was very sweet and calming, very appropriate if Twilight was trying to calm Tempest.
It's a very good fic for a new writer, and the only way to get better is more practice!
Hopefully you find this criticism constructive, hope to see more of what you do
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Thanks for the input! Sorry about the delayed response, been working.
Unfortunately, trying to fit a character well when you've only got a few movie appearances isn't so easy, at least... not for me. But I'll work harder to fit Tempest better next time!
Now, as for Shining being bi, I felt that was something I could use to help put Tempest at ease with admitting her feelings for another mare. Sometimes, it's easier to do so when the person (Or pony) you're talking to has had experience with, and even supports, someone else just like you.
As for the ending... I can see how it could be a tad abrupt. Will add in a bit more to fix that when I have some free time :)
This is really good. The world needs more Tempestlight. This has got potential for expansion.
Perhaps one day you could write a sequel or another chapter where they go on their date.
Either way nicely written. Well done.
What a mood
So cute
Oh. Come on!!!!!!
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Not that it's bad but...... come on !!!!I
Well the ending was a little anti climatic. I was actually thinking they're gonna kiss!😂
So... I don't know if anyone pointed this out... But one thing I noticed is there really is no description of facel expressions, or body language. Both of which can help the reader to understand how other characters are feeling inside. It also helps the character feel like an actual person instead of just a 2d name with some lines to say. Another thing to keep in mind of with characters is to not make a 'Mary Sue'. A character so perfect they solve any problem that comes up instantly. Any story thrives of conflict after all. 'Tempest struggling with herself to work up the courage to admit her feelings, for example'
All in all, it's an excellent start.
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