Control the Power

by armid

Flaming Star's diary

Tonight, I did so many things. Things that I have never done before.

I left school before lunch time and walked around town and reviewed everything I've done and everything that the girl said. The girl named Twilight.

Something has changed. No, everything has changed. I thought a lot about the things that she said. Again and again and again. In the beginning, I didn't know what to do. I just let the magic or whatever it is happen!

While I was walking I suddenly heard shouting. I looked around and then I saw a house on fire. The flames were devouring the house like a giant snake. It was almost totally gone. I got closer, I didn't know why but I just kept moving forward like an unfamiliar sensation was dragging me there. Then I heard one of the people saying, "My child is in there!"

Just when I heard that, something got to me. I ran into the house, I didn't think about it, I just did it. I pushed the flame back with my powers like I was pushing aside a curtain. I was breathing heavily but I didn't have time to waste so I rushed up the stairs. Then I saw the boy. He was standing up in a crib, terrified. I pulled him out and went back down the stairs. "C'mon kid...we have to move it!"

I wanted to get out through the front door but a part of the roof came down and blocked the way out! I looked back and I saw the stairs burning. Kid screamed!

I looked around to find another way out. Then suddenly I saw myself in the mirror. Staring into my own eyes as the flames started to surround us, I heard someone telling me "It's time to use it. "

my legs were softening but I gathered myself, took a deep breath and shot a big fireball towards the door and the debris. That opened the way and ran out with the kid.

"*Sigh* you ok kid?"

"that...was....soooo cool!"

His parents were so happy they thanked me over and over. Then the firefighters started gathering around so I ran off, I needed time and quiet to think about what happened.

It all happened so fast. I was confused at first but when I walked around a bit and reviewed the things that she said...I realized...

Everything that I thought, Has changed tonight.

I thought it could be dangerous But it wasn't right.

Oh, I guess she was right and I was all wrong.

Guess I didn't choose, The right way after all.

But tonight.
Everything will Change.

Some feeling from inside. Tell me it's time to rise.

IT'S TIME TO LEAVE THE PAST BEHIND.

IT'S TIME TO GLOW LIKE THE SUN .

IT'S TIME TO FLY TO THE SKY.

Everything that I thought has changed tonight.

I understood it's not a curse. It has chosen me for the best.

Now I know she was right and that it wasn't my fault.

It seems I need to learn how to use it now.

Who knows what my fate will be.
Who knows what comes next.

I just know something is telling me....

IT'S TIME TO LEAVE THE PAST BEHIND.
IT'S TIME TO GLOW LIKE THE SUN.
IT'S TIME TO FLY TO THE SKY.
And rise.

Author's Note:

I wrote the song by myself. Stay patient for future stories.

Don't forget to leave your thoughts in the comments. It helps more than you can imagine.

Comments

[re- Yamsmos]

A sequel to a 404 error.

[lightningman]

Fix your spelling. I saw your story, and, I have to be brutally honest, it gave me a headache. FIX IT PLEASE

[armid]

9371398
Will do.

[armid]

9370994
It's not. A sequel.

[Scorch215]

9371425
If it's not a sequel why does it say it's a sequel?

[armid]

9371846
I tried to fix it and email the creators of the site. But it didn't work

[armid]

9370994
I fixed that problem

[armid]

9371398
Hey, it took me a while but I fixed it all!

[lightningman]

9813797
I see that, im glad you did and it actually made for a moderately good read. Not the best, but it wasnt horrible. One thing though. I would suggest you try work on your punctuation and spaces. Ill show you

I shot a big fireball towards the door and the debris. That opend the way. Then I ran out with the kid. His parents were so happy.They thanked me over and over . Then the firefighters started gathering around . I ran off. I needed time and quiet to think about what happened . (this is yours)

I shot a big fireball towards the door and the debris, that opened the way. Then I ran out with the kid, his parents were so happy. They thanked me over and over again. Then the firefighters started gathering around. I ran off because I needed time and quiet to think about what had happened. (this is how i corrected it.)

[armid]

9814169
Thanks, this was my first story, and I didn't have enough experience, check my other storys I'm sure you will see the difference.

And could you please pick up your dislike?

[lightningman]

9814780
What dislike?

[armid]

9815268
You didn't leave a dislike?

[lightningman]

9815290
No

[DawnOfsnow]

Nice song! Liked that added detail.

[armid]

10291808
Appericiated, wish I could somehow put music here.

[Light Heart101]

https://www.fimfiction.net/group/213901/my-little-reviews-feedback/thread/442760/reviewing-control-the-power
There is a great concept here, but a ton of spelling errors. I had to take the extra step of editing the entire first chapter so that way you can have a guide to improve your editing skills. I left a link to it in the review, but be willing to put more changes on top of it. Keep working on it. Fixing the spelling alone will take the story up several points.

[armid]

10347435
Considering that English is my second launguege and I had no experience in English writing I believe it is understandable that there is spelling errors. Though I have fixed those in my later stories.

By the way, I extremely appreciate that you tried to fix my errors but you don't really have to. The fact that you gave a review on it is really generous by it self.

[Skyblazer9]

10430933
I will

[armid]

10430937
just be warned that i may revisit my old stories (the ones you are reading) soon to improve them so they might be temporarely un acceceble.

[Skyblazer9]

10432569
Thanks for the heads up.

[Nailah]

A Review for You

[Bicyclette]

OC stories are very difficult to write, and one common pitfall is having the entire story and world suddenly revolve around them for no particular reason. this story is entirely from the point of view of Sunset and the girls, and it should feel like a day in the life of this group of friends, but instead the camera keeps shifting to these OCs without giving the reader a reason to care about them.

if you really want to tell this story, i suggest the following: write this as a story about Sunset and her friends. a day in their life, filled with all the details that come with being a group of teenage girls in high school with friends and activities and cares and concerns. in the corners, have your OCs show up as just another part of this day, and not at all an important part. they are Wallflower Blush in Forgotten Friendship before her villain reveal. introduced, character traits painted boldly and quickly, and then the focus moves back off them, back to the girls. and then at some point this confrontation and reveal happens, climaxing with the use of the empathy stone. once you have that foundation, hopefully you'll have an easier time finding a way to get to the resolution you sought in the second chapter that is a story with events instead of the mush of talking heads it is now.

the EqG characters are well-established ones we know and love. if you can't write a story focusing on them that is interesting, you are not ready to write a story centered on OCs. when you write the girls interacting with just each other, there is actual characterization and traits that shine through, while when any interactions with the OCs happen, the characters suddenly turn wooden and unnatural robots that only exist to reveal the next bit of information about the OCs that there was never any reason for the characters to be interested in knowing or revealing in the first place. keep the story centered on the girls, and make their reactions to events drive the story.

[armid]

11012311
Noted.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. And I can see what you are getting at. Perhaps I might do ANOTHER edition after some time but for now...I'll wait.

I realize it would make sense to give the girls more time and prolong the reveal. That would probably make it more interesting. However, in case of the boys, it would have made more sense this way. (Or maybe thats me.)

This is a series. And mayhaps I didnt do that much of a good job with the first entry. But I will wait before calling the final call on whether I should come back and change it up a bit more, or leave it be and let the characters be known and grow through the rest of the series.

I hope you at least didnt bash your head against a wall while reading this and found it a bit interesting. 😅

[Short-tale]

Your review sir
The review

[SwordTune]

Here is your review from WAR: https://www.fimfiction.net/group/215274/reviewers-mansion/thread/484931/war-review-of-control-the-power-by-armid

[Sunset Shimmer The Great]

11295698
Yeah, I have, but that was before I made an account.