Fear not the Fall

rolemaster #1 · Nov 1st, 2017 · 1 · ·

Incredible story so far. You extended the scenario that you described in Your introduction to the Caribou thread in the Caribou Hunters Club forum, and it is glorious.

Gabriel LaVedier

Gabriel LaVedier #2 · Nov 1st, 2017 · 1 · ·

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8523360
It's all vignettes though. So this story is done. The rest will be different. But thanks for the kind words!

Shortmane

Shortmane #3 · Dec 12th, 2017 · 2 · ·

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Definitely an interesting idea, not one I've read about yet (using armor like that... it's a terrifying concept).
But your writing is, while good, very difficult to wade through.
Almost nothing happens to start out with- the reader is just told a lot of information, and much of it redundant. It's also painfully biased. I don't know who the narrator is, but being constantly told 'the caribou are bad, the caribou are bad, etc' gets old fast. You could show us how bad the caribou are, rather than beating the reader over the head with it. And despite a lot happening... it feels stagnant. It reads more like an essay than a story- some more dialogue and reading about individual characters would help a lot.
It's a cool idea, I can tell you can be a phenomenal writer, but you could chop this to a third of what it is and it'd be an improvement.
I don't say all this to be mean- you've got crazy potential and I enjoy your other ideas and fics about Fall of Equestria, and I hope you take this as constructive criticism.

Gabriel LaVedier

Gabriel LaVedier #4 · Dec 12th, 2017 · 1 · ·

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8605253
The narrarator is essentially an omniscient observer but one who recognizes the malevolent force they represent. I've played a lot of Wolfenstein The New Order lately. BJ mentions how bad the Nazis are over and over. You can call that redundant, but I consider it a kind of emphatic. Repeating things is, in many languages, how you make something bigger. Like muy muy in Spanish or wiki wiki in Hawaiian. Also, if you were ever religious, remember how phrases get repeated, prayers are repeated, gestures and ritualized blocks of actions? By repeating them, they become ingrained. Whenever you read an anti-Fall story of mine, just think about it as propaganda. I write to entertain, but also, to make my feelings on Fall work itself very clear.

I can see you point about the stagnation but, again, think in terms of propaganda. What is being represented is a bigger idea than the one life shown. They are the one, but only so they can be everyone. She is all her slain friends. Their pain, their lost potential, their fury. She is also the nation. A fiery cauldron of rage, sorrow and vengeance. These are big ideas. They are expressed in broad sweeps of the hand, brushing these brutes aside.

Iron Comet

Iron Comet #5 · Dec 26th, 2017 · 1 · ·

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Oh I liked this, I really liked this.

Perpetually Confused

Perpetually Confused #6 · Jan 14th, 2019 · 1 · ·

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First off

He, the invincible male, the master of all he surveyed, the king of conquerors and defilers, brought low by a woman and magical trickery.

It should be of note the Freya, goddess of love I might add, was the one given first pick of those who had died. And she managed to scare off both Loki and Thor when he lost his hammer.

One should not ever underestimate the role women have played in both mythology and history. Of course one should also be wise to assign them too much virtue and too little grace

Gabriel LaVedier

Gabriel LaVedier #7 · Jan 15th, 2019 · · 2 ·

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9403287
People can pare down things to suit their needs. Presumably most or all Fall writers only know stereotypes of Vikings and mixed them with Fascists and incels to make this nonsense. Most domination porn is at least a drop fascist and a gallon incel.

Perpetually Confused

Perpetually Confused #8 · Jan 15th, 2019 · · ·

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9404749

Most domination porn is at least a drop fascist and a gallon incel.

the two extremes

But really, sexuality in general is kind of weird. Clop, by and large, is proof of that. But then again, I don't read such things for their supposed purpose, I read them cause they amuse me or I need something to grouse about.

8605445
Ehhh...

they say this was a allegory on rising against fascism, and the lyrics seems to confirm it, but really, if they wanted to do that they could just do that. Heck, it might have made for a much more interesting read.

But then, that might have made it seem like, you know, they had some sort of respect for America, or at least the concept there of, and can't have that can we