Celestia loves her little ponies, more than anything in the world.
She has fought for them, sacrificed for them, and given herself completely for the needs of her subjects.
Though a thousand years of doing the same thing would take their toll on even the most patient of people, Celestia not being an exception.
Missing the days where every other week was a grand battle, Celestia begins longing for the chance to throw some excitement into her now droll life.
Her wish is answered, though not in the way one would think.
But complaining gets one nowhere in this world, and all that matters is the roar of the crowd, and the sound of the bell.
Chapters (7)
JOHN CENAAAAAAA DUN DUN DUNNNNN
8406777
This guy gets it
Okay! So the premise is appropriately crack-ficcy, and it has a lot of potential. I am curious as to what direction you're planning on taking it. You've also put a lot of effort into trying to evoke a very dynamic setting and I think it's paid off.
Something you may want to consider, as you continue to work your way through this piece, is: what makes this a piece of MLP fanfic? That's my biggest advice here, other than to look into getting an editing sweep to pick up some wonky spelling. You've tagged it "anthro" so "hands" is not an error, but the dominant emotion I find myself with is that these do not appear to be recognizably ponies, either in description or attitude. You've classed one combatant as an earth pony and one as a pegasus, fine, but we know next to nothing about them besides that. The pegasus on one occasion uses wings to try and escape—this is potentially a fascinating opportunity to discuss exactly what rules are in place regarding actual flight in the squared circle, but it doesn't go anywhere. You have a token "gentlecolts" type line early on in the mouth of the announcer and even that convention is dropped by the time you hit the end. Finally and most glaringly, wherefore all the bloodlust, without even a lampshade-hanging to explain it? It's certainly evocative, and I appreciate the work you put into it, but the whole thing seems so tonally inappropriate to MLP that what you have here—so far—is a wrestling fic starring characters in magical horse suits.
I'm not saying it can't be done; many fics I've very much enjoyed are lacking one or two "essential" characteristics of the universe in their particular AU, and that's fine. But it's just something to think about as this progresses. Other than the presumed presence of a canon character (eventually) what makes this a story about wrestling in an MLP-type universe rather than a wrestling story with characters who superficially resemble ponies?
8406865
Calling it a crack fic about sums this up in a nutshell, it was really just inspired from me binge watching a lot of wrestling and my brain going "wouldn't it be cool if?" And I went from there.
correct spelling on an iPad is a nightmare
I took some liberties in descriptions in this chapter due to it being the prologue, and not the meat of the story yet.
I want to save stuff like that until the opportune moment
Thanks for your input :)
Okay, it's nice to see this continuing, and I'm glad to see the protagonist. You do a pretty good job in putting forth a put-upon Celestia, presumably to motivate the rather dramatic moonlighting I can only presume is coming shortly.
Do look into getting someone to do an editing pass. Specifically check for tense consistency, missing words, and for language that contributes nothing to your narrative. (As an example, search your text for just how many times you rely on the phrase "It would seem"; what, really, does this do for your narrative even once, much less repeated to a distracting degree?) It may even be helpful for you to read what you've written out loud to yourself to see how natural it sounds in your mouth. If you're having trouble with making the sentences work, try rephrasing it so it sounds more like your speech.
Hope you keep up with it!
Wow, you need to work on your grammar. There is so much wrong here, it's almost unreadable in certain points. You have a decent premise here, and while I am enjoying the story, you greatly need an editor.
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Yeah, I do actually have an editor, it's just that he has been unable to edit as of now...
Correct grammer on a iPad is a nightmare...
Thank you for your criticism
Hope I can continue to make it enjoyable
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Try writing in FiM's writing section, there are a ton of tools to help you out, like a grammar checker. It underlines any words you spelled wrong in red, so you can see what you did wrong.
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I'm actually doing something like that.
I write it in google docs then spell check there.
Then post it here and use the spell check here.
Though I'm probably not that great with film fictions tools yet.
Thank you for your advice :)
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Unfortunately, I think this chapter shows that merely being given an all-clear by a spellchecker is insufficient to catch all the actual spelling errors. There are quite a few substitutions that are actually real words in their own right; just the wrong one. If your editor is unable to work at present, as you've stated, it might do you good to find a backup editor or delay posting until your existing editor can get at it.
Dropped concept: what's with the strong halitosis smell mentioned in the very beginning? It's never mentioned again to any significant degree.
You are to be commended at muscling on through a difficult writing part without giving up. It's easy to grow disheartened when you're struggling with a part that you don't find pleasant. Congratulations!
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Funny thing is after I uploaded the chapter, a little while afterwords he is able to edit
So expect a lot of fixes to the chapter.
Really the beginning is so weird because I was trying to find a start, once I get started I can keep going and roll with it so the very start of some chapters may end up being slightly weird. But I try to fix them afterwords.
It got to the point where I started writing other chapters just to get the rhythm going again.
My writing is weird like that.
This chapter was harder then it should have been, mainly because I kept jumping back and forth between parts of it, and a ton of real life work happens in between that through of my 'groove' so to speak.
Getting better! There were fewer word substitution errors, so good job on that. Unfortunately, there’s still quite a lot going on with punctuation and capitalization, so might want to give that some extra proofreading attention. Also, I noticed a distracting number of sentence fragments. Once you get some of those ironed out, check for a few lingering tense issues and then possibly some consolidations for brevity and clarity. There just has to be a better way of saying this, for example:
Quite a bit of verbiage here; are you just trying to say that Luna has a private suite of rooms?
"OH MAH GAWD; CELESTIA FROM THE TOP ROPE!"
"Wait a minute, what's she--CANTERLOT SUNSET!!!"
"OH MAH GAWD! OH MAH GAWD! CANTERLOT SUNSET! PRINCESS CELESTIA HAS JUST PERFORMED A SPECTACULAR CANTERLOT SUNSET DIVE OFF THE TOP ROPE! WHAT A SLOBBER-KNOCKER!"
8461326
BAH GOD SOMEONE STOP THE DAMN MATCH! THAT MAN HAD A FAMILY!!!
ITS OVER MAN ITS OVER!!!
(this is coming soon my friend
)
Nice.
And the story progresses! Good to see.
We're still running into distractingly copious errors in inconsistent capitalization, tense, homonym typos (plus some outright garden-variety typos: "rminictint"?) and punctuation difficulties. You've done a good job capturing and conveying both princesses' attitudes during this whole affair, so kudos for that. Eventually to avoid becoming a broken record here I should probably stop bringing them up and only mention it when I notice significant improvement, so since future comments may not mention it, let me say just for the future that something is going wonky with your proofreading process. If your betareader(s) reviewed this before release, you might need to enlist additional betareaders with a keener eye for your particular brand of pitfall. (All authors have stuff that they routinely get wrong, which is why you need pre-readers who are particularly good at noticing what you do poorly.)
Glad to see this story continuing. Keep it up!
8464975
Moral of the story. Don't post things without your editor looking at them first
8465080
It’s a good lesson to learn!
8465661
I kinda had instant regret when I published it without the editor, mainly because I spotted dozens of errors upon my reading of it...
Should be fixed really soon, editor just got done with it
Greetings, I am VultureYugiohFan33.
Might I say that this is quite an interesting chapter indeed. I know that there has been some delays, which saddened me since I've been constantly checking in on this site to see if the newest chapter has come out. To see that it has finally been uploaded is very cathartic to say the least.
Like your other chapters thus far, your particular form of articulation is very impressive. I bet this is usually what takes most of the time when writing these chapters? If so, I understand. Your editor did a really good job as well. Didn't find nearly as many grammatical errors as last time. I really wish I could write like this because even though people have loved my stories, the way I write them makes them feel a bit static compared to something like this.
It really puts the setting in perspective, even if it feels a little over-exaggerated at times.
I like Luna's childish delight. It's very cute to read, which is hard thing for me to feel sometimes when I read other stories. Seriously, it's adorable.
I do question why you dedicated the entire chapter to just the opening show up till before the match started. But I enjoyed it so much I also find it excusable. Maybe it's just me, but I guess I was expecting the match right away or at least a longer chapter to encompass both things. Though thinking on it, I guess it would be a jarring change of pace from your other chapters, and it is important to establish the scope of the setting as to expose Celestia to the environment that your story will be focusing on. Can't fault you for that, I guess.
I'm not sure if this comment helped at all, but I really am interested in where this is going so far, and am looking forward to how the match will play out.
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Oh don't worry, any comment helps a lot my friend. I'm just glad too know someone likes my stuff
You're half right on what takes these chapters so long for me, the descriptions are fine, it's just making up my mind on to put what where
The next chapter shouldn't take too long, and that's where the real fun will start
(I'm not sure how to respond to your response, so I'll have to just put another comment in and hope you get the idea)
Well I certainly hope it doesn't take too long.
Hopefully when it does come out the payoff for your builduo will be worth it.
But, you know, tale your time. Don't want to male your content poorer by rushing you.
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No worries, it definitely won't take anywhere near as long as this one so you shouldn't be waiting long.
It's fine, it takes a lot for something to rush me, so don't be worried about it, in fact I enjoy people commenting on these. Feed back is always helpful
As usual, your strength is in staging and glamor. You clearly have a strong vision in your mind, and for the most part, I find you do a pretty good job conveying the visuals to your audience.
Unfortunately, continuing style, grammar and word-choice issues continue to pull me out of the narrative and prevent the immersion that you'd otherwise be achieving. There are outright spelling errors ("acaric"?), at least one instance of useless Interjection (a distracting "it seemed" when you went right away to unambiguously describe the object) and still plenty of moments when you swap back and forth between the present and past tenses.
The very biggest narrative flow difficulty is the constant use of sentence fragments, and this yanks me out of immersion more than anything. Let me illustrate with a quote:
See that full stop after "camera"? This happens over and over again. "Her light blue eyes shining powerfully with age and magic" is not a complete sentence, and cannot correctly stand alone. This needs to be substituted with one of the two following constructions:
-or-
Personally, I prefer the second, because it breaks up what would otherwise be a very long sentence, but either one is correct. What you have in the original version, and what shows up throughout the piece, is an instance where you've split off a secondary dependent clause into its own sentence. It's really super distracting.
You've got a great grasp of setting a scene. I niggle a bit on the size of the crowd ("Hundreds of thousands"? Really? I realize this is fantasy, but what sporting venue in existence has that kind of capacity?) but you do know how to set a scene. It's a shame I can't lose myself in it.
Before I read this, I must know: What do Twilight and Luna think about all of this?
8692549
All will be revealed in due time, Though luna will play a interesting role... That is all i can say.
Looking foward to part 2.
Nice buildup! Have to withhold judgment a little because it really does end halfway through the scene, but you're doing a good job portraying Celestia getting slowly hyped. Based on the title, I think we all presume that Celestia is eventually going to be participating in person, and so far, you're doing well at selling the transition from canon-esque Celestia to the place you want her to be.
That said, what this does not do terribly well is sell the framing story that the wrestling league is losing money. I realize it's certainly possible for a company to put on massively popular events that everyone is hyped about and still operate at a loss--heck, maybe it's their obviously-enormous special effects budget that's to blame--but something about this feels off, like we need a reminder of why it is the wrestling league was so desperate to get a shot in the arm. Is the arena only so full tonight because Celestia is attending? Is it normally not this crowded and/or exciting? Just some questions this whole part raises.
Glad to see it continuing!
Sorry this took so long. I've FINALLY gotten enough time to actually read this chapter, and asude from a few eyebrow-raising things I rather enjoyed this chapter. :)
I really do like tge way you're hyping up the match through the chapter, though admittedly it seems kinda much. But maybe this us because it's an annual championshio match. But if the E.M.W.F. only holds their championship match once a year as opposed to having it being defended at the end of each month then I think I can see why the company is starting to tank... :( I assume all these theatrics are a result of the compamy betting all the funding they got on this final show. Why is the referee a glowing white figure? I mean it's certainky intriguing and unique for tgis setting, but why is it the referee? Kind if odd.
Maybe you should've cut some stuff down on this chapter and just shared it with the next chapter. I think that would've worked fine in hindsight. Otherwise I do like this chapter. I like to see how you'll handle the actual match. :D
Where are you?