All that is left
Beep.
The high-pitched sound tore into her ear. She frowned. Her face felt weirdly stiff. She took a deep breath. The air smelt… pleasant. An odor of pine trees and magnolias.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
She way lying on something soft, yet her back felt like she’d it had been granite.
Beep. Beep.
A rumble came from her throat, somepony shut this noise off! Shetland opened her eyes. Bright light stung them, forcing her to close them again. Slowly creating a tiny gap, she managed to get a look at her surroundings. She was lying on a bed. Around her hung mint-colored curtains, blocking her view from everything but the beige walls. On her right was a small, beeping monitor.
She tried to move her legs, but a jolt of pain shot through her right hindleg. Shetland gasped, clenching her teeth as she waited for the pain to subside. A nurse came running to her, her hasty babbling sounding like gibberish. Her throat felt dry once more. Events stormed into Shetlands mind, Ciloa, Press, Crimson…
Mellow.
She raised a hoof to her eyes, but could not banish their last images. She nodded at the concerned nurse's jargon, just wanting her to go away. She covered her ears. The air crackled like a dead radio.
Just then, a door flew open and the only person Shetland could bear to see peeked past the curtains, her eyes moist just like her own.
“Thank Celestia, Shetty, you're safe!” Twilight said, her voice breathy.
“Mom…” Shetland stuttered, a tear rolling from her eye.
“I was so worried!” Twilight cried, throwing any restraint to the wind as she wrapped her forelegs around her daughter's shoulders. “When I heard about the attack, I- I wouldn't know what to do if something happened to you!”
Shetland slowly laid her forelegs around Twilight. Although it pained her stiff back, she leaned forward, hiding her face in Twilight’s chest as she let her tears flow. Her tension evaporated as everything flashed before her eyes until she was left only with darkness, and the feel of her mother's warm fur.
Shetland sobbed, hiccups disrupting her words. “Y-you were right. You were so, so right.”
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YAY THERE IS MOAR!!! BUT STILL NEED MOAR!!!!!
8379695
Sorry, that was the last chapter I have written out, for real this time. There WILL be a sequel eventually, but... don't expect it this month. or the next.
NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU it cant be the end!!!!!!!!
8379701
Sorry, but this year I haven't had any real life to worry about, but next week I'll start an apprenticeship, so that will slow me down.
and I'm super slow to begin with, the only reason I could update weekly is because I wrote out half the story before posting the first chapter and I want to do the same with the sequel, hence a definitely long wait.
Fortunately, that gives you, my dear readers, plenty of time to type out the opinions and feedback I desperately want to hear!
*fixates you with a cold glare* do it...
8379703
really great story. suspense was amazing. stratagy was great
8379708
thats certainly nice to hear ^^
are there any parts you did not like or think I could have done better or felt awkward?
8379709
i honestly dont have any complaints. usually my biggest complaints are spelling and grammar
8379714
alright, last question... did you believe for a moment that I would let Shetland die?
8379718
oh hell ya
8379728
actually, I thought of one last thing, its more of a philosophical question...
do you think Shetland is evil?
8379732
well yes and no
Yes. That does seem like a better ending point. This has been entertaining, and I did enjoy it overall.
8379797
thank you. I admit I shamelessly marked the story as completed ahead of time so I could see if people would believe I killed off Shetland.
8379818
An idea like that is a lot less effective when you have already said that you are planning to write at least two more stories with the character.
8379829
not everyone is around since I posted the first version. I mean, I could have written the sequel about Twilight ^^
The story was good but there were many things that it could help it to be better.
I really expected more military opening since this was all about being a space cadet.
8411873
I aimed to capture the frustration of applying for a job, which is something I was actually doing at the time I was planning this, I felt I could portray that better than a more military-opening, which I know little about and certainy never experienced.
8411860
what do you mean with "Lack of explanation at the time"?
8415977
Once in the ship it was hardly told how long they where in the ship since it was never explained how far was Horizon nor that how long the trip will it take to arrive... They just stopped at a random time as if it they just barely left for two hours or so. Time is of essence when you make a trip to outer space.
8416424
oh. I didnt assume there would be a misunderstanding. Clarifying: They fly off at what is still rather early one day, spend a day on the ship, are halted by the attack next morning and Shet arrives in the colony around 4.5-5 hours later. I should have made it clearer that Chapter 6 is the next day.
Ah, I actually missed that there was this one last chapter. My previous comment still stands, but this is a nice end cap.
8490185
Thank you so much for your read and feedback. Im on my phone, so i'll type out a longer response later, but would you please spoilertag some of it?
8490185
Again, thanks for giving me your feedback finally
So, I'll try to put into words what I took from it, please correct me if you think I'm wrong.
One thing I could not change without the entire story cracking down is to not make Shetland the sole survivor. The ending would not be possible if anyone was there to base her moral opinion on. I also think you misunderstood the ending, but I'm gonna P.M. that specific point cause that would be the ultimate spoiler...
So, I see the biggest problem in that I used repeated gutpunches, which I now realize doesn't work. If I were to rewrite the story again (which I certainly won't, writing the same story twice is enough), I would probablly have Ciloa stay back on Equus and cut out Crimson altogether- he was there to make a point that didn't work. Even though Shetland basically spells it out "He was the hero"
With those two gone, I would have one major gutpunch when the plan seemed to work, but then Press dies in their final charge, instead of having one and immediately following it up with another, making both of them feel weak
8697974
thanks for the comments
good to have a reader I can talk warhammer to (although i was more inclined to fantasy before GW blew it up)
8698001
you love warhammer which one fantasy or 40k
8937717
if you don't mind, I'm gonna say that in a private message :)
Hey there my main fella (or Fellea? What do you call a girl fella?) You dropped your story into the Reviewer's Cafe, and we have a little gift for you. Hows about you click here to see what you got
9241274
oh. my. god.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, THIS IS AWESOME
that's a way better result than I would've thought
9232861
9140639
I shall use the word of god/author to answer this question. Shetland insists that she's not chubby at all.
there are few ponies who would dare tell her otherwise.
I hope that cleared things up for you ^^
9595632
uhm... okay? I'm pretty sure I never mentioned anything like that in this story.
All I can say is: holy crap. Shiz went from 0 to 100 real frickin quick.
Why you gotta make a buncha likeable characters and then kill them all off? *Rogue One Flashbacks*
9962972
this story actually came before Rogue one^^
when I wrote it, it was an experiment, I wanted it to happen so quickly the reader would basically be shellshocked, so that was my intent. I think the theory is sound, but as a new writer, I definitely stumbled in the execution(pun intended). the sequel dials down the edge a little bit
9963018
I agree that part could've been written better but still, dang I didn't see that coming
9963101
its part of the learning process. I think it worked out okay-ish, I can name a couple things I'd do differently in retrospect, but im still happy with it
9595632
1: Author never said that that.
2: Having Twilight and Flash Sentry together is a sin to existence.