- Member Since 26th Jul, 2012
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Obsi
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Obsi
Joined 26th Jul, 2012 ·
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Obsi · 21k words · 225 4 · 2.6k views
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How do I know this story won't die after only one chapter?
9362150
You and me both. I hope it continues.
9362150 and 9362288
Look at the author's other stories, and seen how many are still Incomplete.
A story where Twilight visits the breezies' world? RESEARCH!
What a cool idea! 
I don't know how she managed to arrange it so that Seabreeze would be meeting her though, since the portal had been closed off. Maybe an offscreen exchange during the MLP episode? 
I hope you elaborate on that later. 
9362624
9362288
9362150
just to soothe all worries, I tend to pre-write. I finished chapter 2 yesterday and just started number 3. Also, as CrimsonWalker pointed out, I haven't left a story incomplete yet ^^
Not bad not bad at all
Looking forward to see where this is going.
You also provide a plausible way for Twilight to get lost in the breezie-dimension and unable to return, which is something I was struggling with on figuring out on an old, upublished story I was writing some years back that never got finished. So kuddos for that too. Maybe one of these days I can pick up the concept again.
And yes, good call on adressing the elephant in the rabbit burrow: "Why didn't I just turn back into a pony?"
I imagine her foray into Breezie society will restrict her from turning back, as doing so would be equivalent of a regular human working in an office suddenly turning into Godzilla: The office, all surrounding buildings, as well as all people inside would pretty much be obliterated. And there would likely be a giant lizard-corpse lying in the streets, dead from severe physical trauma from several layers of concrete suddenly being in the way of his head.
But, I could imagine, if the settlement Twilight resides at ever was victim to some greater threat - as in, say, a hamster-sized monster, or a natural disaster like a flooding (aka, a water puddle spilling over), there is a way she might be able to offer unique help:
1. Get away to a safe distance from the settlement, away from other breezies.
2. Turn back to normal-sized alicorn.
3. Use magic / telekinesis to deal with the threat from around a meter away while standing absolutely still.
4. Turn back into a Breezie.
I imagine most problems that might come up to be too small or too immediate with little preparation time for her to actually use this plan. But it's something I imagine would be on her mind.
Well I think we found twilight's love interest
9379678
I hope not, that would be too predictable.
Personally, I hope she finds a nice mare to hook up with. Hetero is so vanilla.
9381141
Fair enough
9381141
a romance should be predictable, if it came out of the blue, it'd feel completely empty.
I don't see how "predictable" is at all a viable term when critiquing a ship.
Hmm. On one hoof, kudos for quick thinking, that telling this random breezie "I am actually a Princess from another dimension who shrunk herself by a factor of 100 to explore your country" might not be the best idea.
On the other hoof, she's playing it a little too straight-forward; it feels a bit out of character for Twilight to intentionally perpetuate a lie without any second thoughts, and to flatout reason what amounts to "I need to cash in on his sympathy for me".
A subtle wince of guilt or a mental image of Applejack shaking her head could go a long way here.
Also, Twilight, before you go away from the portal on a one-and-a-half-day trip, in which time the portal will ineviably close, ask this breezie first, if he knows about the portal.
Even if he doesn't (maybe only the village elders do), or he may have heard rumors about it but doesn't know where exactly it is, at least you tried.
Also also, Twilight, make sure to emphasize that finding the portal is really important to you. Yes, it'll probably lead to an awkward moment, or the obvious question of "Why?". But what's more important? Avoiding an awkward moment, or getting home?
.
...If you choose to not let Twilight do any of that, please make sure to have her smack her forehead later on in another "Why didn't I turn back into a pony?!"-moment.
9381273
on the first matter, I think Twilight can be excused for wanting to cash on his sympathy considering her life is quite literally on the line here.
On the second, this is my bad, I originally did include the question, and he would answer that he cant diverge from his path that much, there are also another thing that would complicate matters further, which will come in a chapter soon...
Basically, it destroyed the pacing. In retrospect, I could have had Twilight think that it's very likely the portal has already closed... but thats hindsight ^^
Wor of God/The Author: I f***ed up
Very interesting story concept, with very well written Twilight—I can easily imagine her doing all this
I hope to go through the remaining chapters in the morning, it’s getting pretty late here 
I can see twilight riding a spider into a battle
Very good job on the amount of details put into this, as well as the pacing. Looking forward to the next chapter!
Going to take a couple gussies. She's ether in the past or far from were she intended. Leaning for the past my self. As for what she's suppose to do i would guess turning back into an alicorn for a bit and making winter a little easier. If nothing else she knows a lot of things that the breezes can benefit from.
Interesting chapter, why do I feel like this Breezie village is in dire need of rebuilding and reorganising that Twilight is going to do at some point? Furthermore, Kalypso seems like some sort of shaman/seer. How come that didn’t cross Twilight’s mind? She is a clever pony, after all.
Apparently an anti-herbivore mechanism, probably based on mixing up two compounds into something more reactive.
9400696
first of all, thanks for pointing out this sentence, it was missing the word "bee" . fixed now
First of, while that could definitely happen, you have to understand that Twilights knowledge and skillsets are significantly less useful in this world, since every factor could potentially be jumbled. How could she help them build proper houses if Breezies simply don't have the capacity to work that amount of wood/rock, whatever building material she suggests. And Twilight wouldn't know that ahead of time.
On the second, Twilight is wondering about the respect Kalypso receives. Of course she appears to be some kind of seer or shaman, but she always stuck to Windchime, who appears to fill the same role and is much older. plus- Twilight is too tired for elaborate theorycrafting, but as it seems, she'll be able to ask some questions fairly soon
Note: Though marked as spoilers, these aren't spoilers for anyone who has read up to chapter 4
9400721
You are welcome
I think it might be similar to the Winter Wrap Up episode. Sure, right now, she knows next to nothing about the Breezies’ abilities, culture and so on. Thus, should she try doing something the pony way, she is bound to fail, hopefully in a non-lethal way. But as I said, when she is not tired, she is a clever gal that can adapt. So, I think once she learns more about the Breezies, she is going to be able to help in some way. At least that was my thought process behind my comment.
By the way, the arches mentioned in the chapter are to hold snow and create some sort of vault above the village?
Liking the story so far, waiting for more.
O.o.. not very patient or understanding is he..
Could of been avoided if he explained how to do the job instead of just expecting a rookie to do it right on the first go
9412274
9412630
just to clarify, he's not firing her because she couldnt carve properly, thats why he had her work on flawed material to begin with. It's because she broke several quite valuable shards. They live in a forest, it's quite unlikely they'll just find them lying around somewhere.
9412960
I mean fair enough but (and this is a big but) when twilight gets back she could open up trade with them
9412994
...what could these breezies possibly produce that ponies would want? Especially considering they'd have to produce it in pony quantities?
Seriously, if you got an idea, tell me, I might even put it in the story^^
9413031
Safe travel, I imagine silk can be easy to get for breezes, maybe new knowledge of different insect species and how to get antivenom
I feel like when seabreeze does appear he will call will chew twilights head off and thank the breezes for helping her
9423487
lol, why would he chew her head off? ^^
9423492
Going to the wrong portal
9423495
lol... nobody understands the portal XD
9423570
The right portal was one foot to the left
9423632
I am planning to give... a hint of an answer to something regarding the portal. This was vague enough so that I'm not counting it as a spoiler ^^
9423661
Alright but I still like she took the wrong portal answer
Interesting chapter, great to see Twilight is not having it too easy. I'm curious what the next chapter will bring for her! Also, lots of interesting information in the Author's Note... honestly, Feuerkiesel sounds far more German than the Dutch variant
I'm curious how Twilight imagines the transformation of pollen into honey...
Hey, started to make your Review today and I must say that :
9427086
Ever here is right, Feuerkiesel is defenetly sounding german
media.giphy.com/media/XN4YWNbz4SNMI/giphy.gif
I must say it was a joy to read for the entertainment factor and your writing skill was very well, but, you also could have named this chapter (And part of the last one) 'Do it for the plot!"
This story started so well and is so entertaining! The scenes and the descriptions really caught my attention, and now this chapter!
9430091
"Do it for the plot"
I'm sorry, I'm not sure if this was a suggestion for a funny chapter title, or a criticism of something in the chapter. Could you clear that up to my silly brain?
9430287
I mean that Twilight's behaviour doesn't make much sense, from a logical perspective. The actions she took are supporting the story, they do not fit for her normal self.
By 'for the plot' I point out that a character do something because the story needs them to do it, not because they really would do it.
9430483
could you point out the specific moment that stands out to you the most?
9430488
Actually there are a few, mhh, the most annoying so far was her arguments about why she is not turning back to a pony. As far as I remember the reason was it would be a last option thing to save energy. She also tells there are dangerous creatures, it is cold, she can't find the portal, etc...
At the same time she previously called herself stupid to not turn back with the mantis in incident. More so there is grass, ponies can eat that, be bigger would also mean she can defend herself better, (Alicorn magic, flying) and it has so many more advantages. Though she doesn't try it for the plot.
I am sure she will fail in the attempt by what I guess the story is heading to, but that she doesn't tryied is nit fitting for her normal clever self.
9430495
I thought it was a pretty fitting reason that she didnt get a good look at the portal, nor really remembered the path she took, thus didn't want to screw her chances by radically shifting her perspective on top of that.
obviously, immediate death would call for a transformation though ^^
When it comes to eating grass, that... is a massive plothole which I cannot fix. I could now claim that its not an option for whatever reason, but its a plothole, and I feel like an attempt to cover it up would only draw attention to it. What do you think? should I try to explain it or just keep going?
9430516
The problem I see is that this kind of plotholes continue to pop up through your story. Don't get me wrong, the afmosphere is awesome, but this stuff really is annoying.
For the grass, even if you try to cover that, there are stuff like the walnuts and many other things a pony can eat in a forest.
About finding the portal, besides the obvious 'There are killer ants oit there!!!'
A pony can cover a far larger area with searching, also as Alicorn she can fly up and look at the treetops where she felt from which she can't as breezy. Also she is used to this perspective, it would benefit her. When everything looks quite different to normal you get far easier confused.
9430526
I'm not going to be the super-defensive kid that is going to vehemently defend every point, and if I have to defend it in the comments, it means I didnt make it clear enough in the story itself (hence why Im going to see if I can pop one or two of the immediate defensive justifications into the chapter)
However, the thing with food (except grass) is that to make it worth transforming into a pony, she'd have to find pony-sized portions of food before she can attempt that, whch I believed I mentioned.
She also has never seen the specific tree as a pony. And things tend to look very, very different when you go down to the size of a harvest mouse
Edit: I reread the three first chapters, and I personally found Twilight's reasoning valid. Obviously I am biased, so I'll have to remember your criticism and consult more people about this
9430543
You should also keep in mind that I am not a common reader here, instead I am here to make the review, which means I have to care fir those details while a normal reader just can enjoy the story.
You don't need to defend you, I just pointed out stuff I personally found disturbing. Though, if you really want, I can point out all the spots I noticed and we can speak about them in detail later. (Actually I only have my phone with is not suitable for that kind of dialogs)
9430575
you dont have to point out every single one if thats too much work for you... but I would LOVE for you to tear into every single detail of my story you found lacking, that'll probably let me fix problems I never even knew existed!
Though whenever I defend my story, I feel so awkward, like, where is my defense legitimate and where is it not? And I eat myself up because I dont wanna be the guy who won't let a single flaw sit on his story ^^
9430582
Don't worry as a writer myself I know the feeling when you want to defend your story
Though, be sure you really want me to look that closely on your story, some authors didn't took it so well in the past when I did that. You musn't worry to look bad when you defend your story, do your best and try the hardest, after all the score of the review will depend on how good you stay your ground.
Anyway, it will take a while till I get home so you may ve asleep then. I can post my comment tonight, around midnight (I from germany too) and you can respond in the morning if you wish.
9430595
well, in the morning I'll be at work, so it'll have to be tomorrow at around 3, german time. I'd deeply appreciate it if you posted your findings in a note, however, since the comment section is starting to bloat a little, and I personally hate it when I read a comment section just to see it be 2 guys arguing back and forth.
I also think I can take some harsh criticism. I'd learn much slower if I couldn't. ^^
9430607
As you wish, a PM it will be.
Though, Activity in the comments can Trigger the 'popular' stories algorithm.