After a life-changing one night stand, Twilight realizes her love for Trixie when the blue unicorn comes through Ponyville once again. The only problem? Getting her to shut up so she can tell her.
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Zof
Joined 8th Jul, 2012 ·
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- ButtEater9 · 8.6k words · 40 3 · 1.5k views
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Every time the speaker changes in dialogue, you have to make a new paragraph, kinda hard to read as-is.
882821
oh, dont listen to those grammer naz- I mean rangers, they know not of what they speak
I'm assuming this is your first fic but my apologies if it isn't dont worry my first (and to date, only) story was a lot like this except with no breaks at all, I've written papers before, but being out of school, my writing skills hit the fan and I didn't even realize it until a horde (yes as it seemed quite a few ponys out there) of readers pointed out.
well my advice if you think you need it is to get a proofer, preferably a less popular one so you can get more undivided attention and perhaps he/she can grow in fame as well as your stories
now for the story itself athough this is a fic, someponies really get metapause when you make cannon ponies OOC, even if it is for semi-clop also I think the pacing was a bit rushed but having to meet the 1000 word minimum myself, I can understand that can become quite the stressful (or at least noticeable) problem. also at the rarity
ing AJ thing, hilarious
still not the worst thing I've read (terrible RDXAJ bondage clop) and it is your first story (always remember your first...
) so I shall give you 3/5 'staches 
Sincerely,
~The Narwhal Nopony Knows A.K.A. kooarbiter
A nice solid starter story. Some better formatting and less of a synopsis style ending would be the only points i would critique. 3/5
with a bonus point because Trixie is best pony
"Getting her to shut up so she can tell her"
So, Trixie says 5 sentences then Twilight tells her? That's not much of a story bulk.
If this was your first story then it was actually pretty good, although as some people have somewhat rudely pointed out you do have a few grammatical mistakes. Like it was said, each time a new character speaks you should start a new paragraph. Do that, add a lil bit more detail and do some self editing/checking and you will be good as gold. You don't deserve the thumbs down so don't let that discourage you.
I like this story overall so I'm giving it a thumbs up.
891616 We are grammar Nazis because it's the only damn way to improve fic quality on this site. We've tried constructive criticism, it doesn't work.
And now we're trying destructive criticism.
To be honest, all of the grammar nazi'ing here was constructive criticism.
Formatting is Extremely Important, so you should look into that. It's a quick to learn habit.
Basic formatting is enough: new paragraph every time you change speaker, and double paragraph for scene transition. That's the most basic of basic, and it cleans up stories nicely. While I liked the cuteness of your story, it could have been expanded to 5 or 7000 words with the type of drama and situations in it. It has some good ideas and situations, but the ending is very fast and.. yeah.
Sweet, but it felt a bit like a pitch or outline.
There were times when the lack of paragraph breaks between lines made it a bit hard to tell who was talking during the dialogue scenes. The pacing of the story was pretty good albeit a little fast, especially at the end. Still liked this one though, especially since I have a soft spot for Twixie
I have to agree with the constructive criticism you've been given so far. You really need to make sure to start a new paragraph every time somepony new speaks; as it is, it's hard to read, and it's basic "Twilight said this. Trixie said this" stuff. By using paragraphs more efficiently, you could make this a lot easier to read, and it wouldn't be difficult to add a bit of description and detail.
The entire story seems really rushed, but the ending is especially bad. You've got a few things in here that make me laugh, and I'm sure that wasn't intentional. First, they lean in and kiss eachother passionately. That sounds good. Then, the next sentence is "They kissed and kissed.". Uh, yeah. You made that pretty clear in the sentence before that. I can guess that your intention was to imply that they made out for a while, but the way you put it just makes it sound redundant. Second, you referred to sex as "the good stuff". Pretty sure no one actually does that, unless they're trying to be discrete around children or something.
You've got some spelling/grammar errors. I noticed that you failed to capitalize "I" a few times, and you misspelled "business". Additionally, you neglected to include a space after a period a couple of times, and put a space before a comma (rather than after it) at least once. Not the biggest problem though.
The main problem I have with this story is it is way too short. You've got a really good premise here, but you could definitely expand, as someone said, to 5000 or 7000 words. I recommend going into more detail when writing about the initial one night stand. When did it happen? Why? It's not clear why two ponies who dislike eachother on the show would have a one night stand. It just seems like this is the second chapter to a story where Trixie and Twilight resolve their differences and end up having sex before Trixie leaves to go to the next town. The ending could also use a lot more expansion when discussing Twilight and Trixie's future together. For that matter, so could the middle. Maybe describe what happened during Trixie's show, or talk about Twilight's feelings about Trixie asking her to leave when she heads home?
Overall, this needs a lot of work, but it's not terrible. I'm thumbing it up because it's getting a lot of undeserved thumbs down and I really like Twixie.
and here was me writing about how they kill each other...
seems to be a split crowd.
892222 Alright, everypony, take a seat. I got this.
First of all, would you ever want to do destructive criticism? If you want to, then you're Discord. Discord is, de facto and de jure, evil, so you'll quickly be washed away in a sea of friendship. We should help new authors, not chastise their work. Constructive criticism works when you apply enough of it. Obviously you've not been trying hard enough, eh? So let me give my piece of the review...
Only the style is wrong! Everything else is right!
894025 Which is hilarious because I've actually been rather well recieved.
892222>>892332
yes I'm pretty sure I mentioned that but I think the author wrote this story for him/her self more than anyone else plus If you've even written a story, I'm sure yours wasn't perfect either I'm not saying writing it with no format is what he/she should do I'm saying get off his/her arse for it most of us know what it is like to be writers and plus I'm also sure he/she doesn't need 1000 people telling him/her this either
yo zof, dont worry 'bout these haters Formatting is important, but not so important that that's all they think about If it comes down to to many haters, you could just delete/ignore their comments completely
895574 I just don't get why you say I'm hatin', I like this story. It just could be a lot better with some helpful friendly nudges.
895816
I meant the other guy you had the same thing pretty much but less rude notice how I replied to him/her first
895977 Ah right, yes.
But honestly, it's much more fun writing when you get formatting down, it's easier to read your own stories and get a clear view of how much you've written, what you've written, and how the plot is going.
It doesn't take long to learn either. Just have fun and keep learning.
Who could have knon you could end something like that litteraly with a single paragraph...
You keep making promises and not delivering. I feel cheated. Twilight calls Trixie a lunatic but then we get nothing on why. The summary says Twilight can't get Trixie to shut up, but not only do they hardly say anything before that's resolved, it's really just the same thing over and over. "Sex now." "Wait a minute!" "Sex now." "Wait a minute!" There's nothing especially Twilight or Trixie in there. You need to decompress this, a lot. It needs to actually BE Twilight and Trixie.
And I'd talk about the formatting but a bunch of people already have.
921959
Also, Why is this story listed as incomplete? Is there going to be more? 
This. I would love to read this story again if it were more drawn out. There's just too much telling here, and not enough showing, and I'm not talking about illustrations.
Negative crit: It felt that it was too rushed and really didn't show much emotion.
Constructive crit: Try bringing the story out more and even go beyond to see how the lives were changed for the better.
Positive crit: I like the Twilight X Trixie ships. They are unexpected given by canon that they were enemies (although Twilight didn't want it to be like that).
I would either rewrite this from scratch keeping aspects in mind or change and add stuff to the current story. It has promise to it.