Flurry Heart is all grown up and is ruling the Crystal Empire! Surely there's nothing wrong with that!
An entry into FanOfMostEverything's Imposing Sovereigns Contest.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 8th May, 2016
- offline last seen Sep 7th, 2023
Razor Blade the Unicron
No longer writing here.
Razor Blade the Unicron
Joined 8th May, 2016 ·
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I like it
Not bad, though you showed your hand early with the color-coded dichotomy. A consistent unreliable narrator would've made the reveal hit that much harder, as would fleshing out the story a bit more. Start small and build up as the situation worsens, letting the contrast between delusion and reality grow until Flurry can't deny it anymore... or that timely kick to the head. Whichever comes first. Going into why Flurry decided that emulating Great-Aunt Luna at her most awkward was a good idea might help as well.
Also, while Ye Olde Butcherede Equishe was a pleasant bit of cringe humor, it got pretty overplayed by the time you dropped the gag.
All told, an interesting experiment in madness. Best of luck in the contest.
8013986 Thanks!
I came in expecting a comedy. Little did I know that the saying "never judge a book by its cover" also applies in a literal sense. I think you broke my mind.
This line, I think, is where it really drives it in on the reader that things are actually a lot darker, and a lot more devastating than they actually seem. Up until this point, it's never really revealed how far Flurry's gone. Here's where I feel it actually shows that the populace is genuinely terrified of her.
I feel that her butchered use of old Equish (English) is the first sign that she really has no idea what she's doing. And her breakdown eventually does show that she's really just a sad, broken child, whose delusions of grandeur had physical consequences.
I did find the ending with Cadence kinda narm-y, but either way, great job on this one.
I was expecting something comedic, until I read the tags.
8015013 That's the point.
Yeah, I can totally see this happening.
What breaks this one for me is that Cadance and Shining Armor aren't there for their child, no matter how damaged that child is. If they're alive, they'd be present in some form, not hundreds of miles away.
8027292 They're far away because they needed to be brought to safety. That's one of the reasons why Cadence is crying so hard, because she just wants to go try and stop Flurry, but can't.
8027309 Then that needed to be shown in story in some fashion. As it is, you end the story on a clearly altered version of Cadance- a doting mother who's abandoned her child- with no explanation or justification whatever.
Imposing Sovereigns reviews conclude with a look at the madmares.
This is an interesting story, but I'm unfortunately blind and tempered against horror and dark... damn Crime Pays...
I understand the elements, though, and I'd probably be getting shivers if I felt horror!
I...did not enjoy this story.
First off, the colored text was very gimmicky. It gave away what she said wasn't true (at least to the other ponies), and well...it just kindof messed the story up. Also, narmy ending.
9420557
Yeah, looking back on it, this is a very crummy story. I don't really like it either, to be honest.