Just think a year and some change ago things were business as usual, now though I can barely remember what it was like to not have fight everyday just to survive. Its been a long year and a hard winter hopefully I can get a break sometime soon.
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Zecora works her magic and make him a potion or two that helps him healthwise. Nothing like some sort of uber soldat potion, but more along the lines of just something to take the edge of old pains permanently. Gives him a break for a change. That worth a few paragraphs for a chapter?
Thanks for the Masterpiece of a chapter
Despite taking so long, its always worth the wait.
9469073
I'm glad you think so.
9468830
Totally understand where you're coming from, especially in the first few chapters. Although judging the entire story on just the first (and worst in my opinion at least) chapter may be jumping the gun a little.
So happy to see this again! Thanks for the amazing update!
Wait, but if the bacteria boost his regenerative abilities so much would it not also make him live longer? I mean think about, effectively the reason we die of old age is because at a certain point in our lives our bodies cells, while not dying any faster, start to reproduce or, regenerate, at a slower rate. So if Hank has it so his body is regenerating at an accelerated rate then would that also mean he would live a longer life, or at least have his age slowed until the point the bacteria leaves his body and then begin ageing as he normally would?
9470660
I'm glad you caught that, and yes. He just hasn't quite thought of this yet because he's so convinced that his path is to die young. Believe me a lot of the things I leave out like that I do on purpose, but you are exactly correct it's to due with telomere degradation and with the bacteria in his system it will extend the longevity of his bodies ability to keep his dna healthy and creating error free cells. Such errors are behind things like cancer and the natural process of aging.
9470746
It's part of my passion, I've always had an eye for details like that (though sometimes it's shut and sometimes it's open). I love thinking over the physics of fictional worlds and how they compare to our own worlds.
The third person thing isn't bad. The plot is starting to lose momentum though.
9472035
I know, I'm thinking of ways to pick it back up and put in an actual story arc.
Hank is too much into his own head. He needs some serious help or else he'll end up shooting himself in the head. The problem is that he is too closed off. He doesn't want to get better, he wants to die. He needs to truly let Zecora in, or else it is only a matter of time before he commits suicide.
On a separate note: 3rd person feels much better, but try 3rd person in the past tense instead of the present tense and I think you'll find it to your liking.
9472138
Thanks for tip, I'm unfamiliar with 3rd person so this might take some time to get right.
9472196 No worries, you're doing pretty well so far.
Please continue
9472090
maybe start going with the Romance and Sex tags a little more, cause your 20 chapters in, you gotta start somewhere and it already has plenty of conflict. You should also fallow up on the blow-up with Twilight several chapters ago it would be out of character for her not to blow that shit out of context and send a letter to Celestia, Hint, Hint!
On second thought even thats out of character for her, she would probably friendship him to death LOL
9479021
I don't know why it doesn't work for some folks, it's supposed to be Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out. I'll re link it with a new source.
This is absolutely one of the saddest stories ever. Coming in, I knew that this won't be a good story, but I was bored and decided to continue anyway. Now, this is where things get sad, you obviously know your stuff, your grammar is good enough, you understand the material world and you can even write about it without issue! And yet, you can not spin a tale that is in any way compelling. Your pacing is all over the place, all of your characters feel two dimensional and Hank. And Hank: what the hell is wrong with him? Sometimes he acts like a brash 20-year-old, other times he acts like a 12-year-old and other times a 16-year-old virgin but usually, he's the depressed 17-year-old that hates everyone. Another mistake that you made is making Hank unrelatable, he feels plastic. Finally, we have your idea of 'romance'... I don't even know where to begin with that trash. All of this is what makes this story feel like watching kids trying to debate things: Boring and uninteresting.
OOF/10
9480823
I get what you mean.
9480994
Well, I did leave out something: you have been improving, the story quality is slightly improved by the end. Though... One: You need more meaningful dialogue, two: The monsters don't need to attack ever chapter (I have skipped over ever fight scene after chapter 5ish and nothing of value was lost), three: Talking about loving killing and going into minute details is childish and does, in fact, make Hank the ultimate edge lord.
Then again, you might as well take what I say lightly since I am grading this piece based on my university training in the English courses that I have done, so it might be harsher than what most would rate it as. For the purpose of writing on Fimfiction, this is fine, as many don't have a very strong understanding of what makes a story good just yet here, but in terms of a publishing company...
Keep on writing, it's a very important skill to have.
9481104
I think the writerwith the character of Hank is trying to write someone who doesn't know how to act since he had to survive and pretty much isolation for years. Since humans are social beings when they get isolated for long periods of time be kind of breakdown and have multiple states of mine, sort of like having multiple personalities except it's your State of mind based on the situation.
9480994
as the person who enjoys your work and wants to see more of it I want to lend you a hand. As a form of world-building and to add multiple story arcs. Also I had around 10 Straight hours to think about this.
Ponies gossip, gardman gossip; newspapers, gossip and rumors can spread like wildfire.
*Plot idea one. Gartman's writes letter to family relative, letter tells the events of what's been going on ponyville the last few months. Relative is a struggling writer. Relative gets inspired buy leather and ends up writing a award-winning book. Book rivals daring do. Book is called The last guardian of the everfree or the last ever free guardian. Fans finds out that he's real, fans want to meet him fans also want a crossover with daring do. Before all this happened Hank finds out that he's getting large amounts of money deposited in his bank account for some reason and had to sign a piece of paper or an envelope that contains documents that he now has a 5% stocks in a book company.
*Plot idea #2 a news reporter goes to ponyville did you report on the so-called protector of ponyville. Newspaper writes about all the things that he has done protecting the elements and the town. News article describes him as a mysterious Noble guardian who has claimed protective Dominion over the everfree and ponyville. With a resolve stronger then any stone but yet a kind and caring person. The newspaper tells everything that he did in ponyville and maybe even some rumors. Now scientists want to study him it is a natural environment and other hijinks ensue.
*Plot idea 3, hijinx one. This story from the newspapers play it's all the way to griffendale. A handful of griffins travel to ponyville. 1 Griffin and a handful of others I think that Hank is one of the legendary legionnaire's. These Griffins went to tone for their sins and regain honor. and what better chance or opportunity is to sub under a such powerful but yet Noble warrior.
*Plot idea 4, hijinx 2. One of the rumors is that Hank is an honor guard of the of the elements themselves. About 20 to 30 desperate ponies from all over Equestria come to ponyville to join this guard or at least try their chance
*Plot idea five hijinks 3. In the rings of bounty hunters and other essential but less savory workers, Hank has been referred to as the boundless bounty Hunter, for taking down one of the biggest bounty in decades. A group of shady but yet honest organization refer as "contractors" want to contract some work to him. These are job that no one will take or want to take. They send their best handler mr. Q to contract a job to him. To deal with a massive black dragon that has set up shop in a mine full of rare materials. Or to clear out and tire cave system of monsters that a company wants to turn it into a mining facility.
Plot idea 6 hijinx 4. words that spread to the dragon nation of Hank literally annihilating a horde of shucks. And some of the dragons think that Hank is one of the old legends, The Savage Slayer.a being that can fight with such ferocity and power, that even the most Savage fury beast will be slain. The red dragon gargle thanks that you can take him on, and bings his whole crew.
Plug idea7 hijinx 5. For some reason everyone thinks that Hank is a noble Royal descendant. Part the book part of the newspaper part rumor last of his kind etc etc. Luna wants to secretly make him Duke of the everfree. Somehow ends up getting tied into politics a little bit around ponyville. Maybe get invited to the gala. somehow end up in Tangled up in foreign affairs. Let snowball from there. Royal family tries to getting married to their daughter.
How's this? What do you think of my ideas?
9485228
I really really appreciate all of these ideas. The bounty hunter route is what I had been thinking as well after thinking for the next arc, I think it will blend into the story the best a forced arc can. The idea of having Hank's image spread across the globe is also something I had in mind but do not have a solid way of doing it yet. I like the idea you provided of a writer wanting to make a book on Hank and then other people going to Ponyville or searching through the woods to find him but at the same time I don't want ponies to like Hank all too much. I'm not planning on making him hated but at the same time, at least in this part and timeline of the story, I don't want him to be liked by the majority.
However the idea of dragons wanting to fight him. I like that. This might happen.
9485786
I forgot to mention that the newspaper both sell his immaculate feats of heroic protecting the Apple family, rescue Fluttershy, taming a pride of manticore. But he can be dangers if provoked or spooked, the a****** of a guard who threatened Applejack or that one time a guard bumped into him and he reacted on reflexes and he apologized to the guard. Showing that he's just as caring compassionate person just as he is a deadly adversary. The news article both glorifies him but makes you afraid of him.
9479057
Yeah I worded it wrong what I meant was the Pterion. Its in roughly the same spot and is where frontal, parietal, temporal, and sphenoid bones join up. Admittedly the wide blade of the M9 bayonet means it would be hard to ram in deep but the knife also goes to a very sharp point and slowly widens before getting too wide, I'm also talking about the actual M9 not the fakes that have the massive serrations or saw blade on the spine like the one in CS:GO or something. I really like the spot you pointed out though so I'm probably going to use that a lot now through the story.
I've been playing the new metro game and that is one of the spots that Artyom uses for his take downs.
Photon, could you do me a favor? I'm new on FIMFICTION and I uploaded the first chapter of my first story, but I don't find it in the site. Can you see if I uploaded it successfully please?
9513994
Nothing yet as of when I checked. Maybe it's still going through approval? I'm not for sure, but I can't see it.
9514522
Found the error, didn't have words related to MLP (it's a Stellaris crossover, but instead of politics or warfare its about a (D&D) dragonborn-like alien arriving in Equus to kill biological weapons sent there by accident. He's OP (is a supersoldier, killed space leviathans, has end-game XCOM psionics) in the planet, but so are the monsters (basically psionic deathclaws minus horns).
9514632
Yeah I had to release the first three chapters of my story at one time because the first two had no MLP content.
Damn.
Next chapter?
Hello again Photon. Can you tell me how to download a chapter and submit a story? Because I simply don't get how to do it. Added MLP words in the first chapter, added it and submited the fic, and nothing. Had to delete the original.
Also, can I have your permission to base the third chapter of my fic in 'Getting acquainted with the Neighbors' (sniper watches a celebration from afar, someone gets taken hostage, sniper kills the hostage taker, monster attacks and guy fights it alone)? The stoy itself is pretty much different, but that chapter is just...
9538750
What I do is write it in Gdocs and then copy and paste it after creating a new chapter and then just submit it. I wouldn't know why it's not working. And of course, I don't give a shit.
953925S!
So, I have permission (sorry)?
9539964
Yesssssssssss
9540534
Thanks!
This is honestly one of the best fics I’ve read, it enter in my top 5 , excellent work , love your writing and your characters. Can’t wait to see the next chapter
I tried, I just couldn't get past the first few chapters. If you ever get time, it may be worth doing an edit. But... they're rough as they are.
9481104
I think the author is going more for a kind of psychopathic character than “an edge lord” , also I think this fic is suppose to be violent and have over the top fight scenes, skipping them like you previously mention is going to affect how you see the story. Finally I think this fic is refreshing with its violence, the protagonist is clearly not a white knight and the personification of justice (like I’m so many other fics) but instead he’s a broken man doing his best to adapt.
9621824
Oh god! My grammar in that comment is not the best but I think everything I stated was correct as I have completely forgot that this story existed. Perhaps I would have a different perspective on the matter if I were to read all the fights. Probably not as I am accustomed to adult literature.
Edit: just read a few paragraphs of the last chapter and remembered why Hank is one of the worst characters out there. He is a complete edge lord because a real person wouldn't act like that, even when that person is completely insane, he still beats it with his stupidity. Then there's the dialogue and thought patterns... I'm done, the edge is far too overpowering.
9622319
Thanks for stopping by and leaving a honest review; I completely understand where you're getting your points. These are the areas I'm trying to work at so I know I'm a tad weak in these areas. Thanks again, sorry the story didnt workout for ya.
9623345
That's completely fine. You have to understand that I have basically read every good HiE story on this website and even the best only comes up to a 9/10. This site is a start for authors, to grow and develop. Sadly, I passed that point about 2 months back and everything I read now will have about a 17% chance of being upvoted (good enough...ish) by me but a 0% of me actually really enjoying the story (I did the math for the last 2 months which was about 40 stories, some stories I had to stop at a paragraph in). That percentage of upvoted stories is falling as the older authors grow up and leave this fandom while over time I can start to see the mistakes that are left in the "best" stories out there.
If you keep on reading and writing you will reach that point sooner or later. For me, it took 2.5 years of high school (joined this site in grade 10) just to understand that there is a lot more to a story than words. Then an additional 4 years of Uni with many English courses just to understand some of the nuances of storytelling. I still can not see every single mistake (I'm working on seeing missed opportunities) as my professors seem to see. In total, I've read close to 100 million words on this site alone and about another 50 million on other sites.
Hopefully, this fandom will die soon and I can kick this addition to HiE.
9623345
Did I kill the story?
9625286
No. My damn schedule did though.
9625308
I can wait for it to restart
9625341
Soon-ish I think, not a great chapter though so be prepared.
9625361
I Will try to be
9625391
Never seen the Lion King so I was really confused until he started singing, then again it's a disney flick so I should of seen a musical coming.
9625405
Did you enjoy the song/meme ?
9625426
Yeah fits well