Just a normal college kid... and a brony... who likes to write. Not a lot, but it's there.
After murdering her marefriend in cold blood, Judge Final sentences Iris to life on parole with a therapist and an enchanted necklace that tracks her every move. Her cutie mark will forever be stained with blood, the mark of a pony that has committed a murder. What sort of therapist could possibly hope to save her from her own twisted, cold, uncaring mind? Princess Cadence, the Princess of Love, of course.
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What exactly are you trying to bring to the table with this story? Is she crazy, or just some bored valley mare that snapped?
I've got no vibe on her life, the motif behind the murder other than just not liking this girl-- and she just knifes her in her sleep.
There are many ways to write harm-then-redemption fics, as well as injury-then-health fics. This is neither, that I can tell. While yes, its an interesting concept that blood shows up on your cutie mark if you murder somepony-- I'm not feeling the urge to know more about this. As far as I can tell this character is despicable, has no redeeming qualities or mannerisms, and murdered this other pony because... what? She didn't like the color of her mane, or that there had been an affair going on? Pretty dark for Equestria, I gotta say. What keeps this as "pony", exactly? I recognize no characters, themes, locations, ideas, or anything else. Yes, the Princess is going to be involved in the next chapter onward, hopefully, but-- it ceases to be a fan fiction and turns into something else entirely when there is NOTHING linking it to its source material other than the country it takes place in.
Thumbs down.
EDIT: "Deflowered" is a misleading title, unless her cutie mark is a flower of some sort. That title implies the loss of virginity or innocence. The only innocent in this story was the victim herself, seemingly, so it makes the title overly dramatic and unnecessary.
863119
I don't know but that coupled with the title makes it fucking disgusting. It's like dripping, bloody ovaries.
As mentioned above, the image brings up the notion of the ovaries that have been bloodied. Coupled with the title, it's obviously done on purpose. I can't fathom why you'd do that other than to try and force interest in your story and build views from people reading expecting one thing and getting....this, instead.
The story itself is something else altogether. The bloodied cutie mark premise is interesting. The characters are...unlikable. You start off the story with Iris despising her marefriend. And instead of breaking up with her, she decides to kill her. For...vanity reasons, really. WHY do we want this girl to live in pony society? Why should we care? Because Cadence is involved? That's hardly a reason. Why does the Judge just decide to take pity? Why this one? Surely others have felt remorse.
863143
So I'm not the only one who realized that?
It looks like a female reproductive system
Dripping with buckin' blood O.O
With the title, picture, then the description...
And I'm a bit confused about the whole story.
~Rosalynn~
863143
Pretty certain its an Orchid blossom. The orchid is known for looking very much like certain reproductive organs though.
As for this story... this chapter was way too short. There needed to be a lot more character building for this to make any more sense than 'random mare brutally murders random other mare'. We don't get enough of a feel for Iris' mentality, what could justify her actions, or why she would later feel remorse over a passionless, sociopathic killing.
I can see some potential in this, but there's just not enough to see right now. It's short, and leaves out too much character and context.
So... I was positive this was going to be the first 'Rape fic' I'd ever read, then I read it.
It's way too short. No plot, no character development, I won't give a thumbs up or down.
I'm not sure I have ever seen such a brilliant concept so poorly executed. This is a perfect example of how good grammar and story structure does not make a story good. You seem to know how to write, at least compared to most of the other front page stories, but I'm afraid that means almost little to nothing. This story was bad, really bad.
It almost seems that you fully endorse the thought of murder. Iris kills a mare for absolutely no reason at all, with no logical or realistic motive, is suffering from no obvious mental disorders... and everyone who has a problem with that is wrong. Clearly we should just let her go, since all she did was kill one little mare, and all the bastards who disagree can go to hell. Sounds pretty stupid, right? Well, that's how you wrote it, even if it was not your intention.
In fact, I'm not sure you have done a single thing right, besides simply making this crap legible. The plot is ridiculous, the motives are nonexistent, the characters are fucking idiots with no redeemable qualities (This is the worst part)... hell, even the title and cover image is completely off, and give a very false impression of what this story is about. I think the only thing I liked was just the concept of the cutie mark. I even feel like using that myself, or a slight variation, and I wouldn't mind seeing this become fanon. But the fact that this story is built on that premise just makes it more irritating. The only advice I can give is start from scratch and try again, because there is little to nothing to salvage here.
Now it's time to get the fuck out and never look back.
i.imgur.com/7t6kp.gif
i love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just brilliant!
863072>>863119>>863143>>863344>>863408>>863497>>863210
Well, I'm not going to defend your complaints of no character development. This is "Part 1" after all.
You all seem to be asking if this is going anywhere. It is. This chapter was simply meant to introduce the characters and the crime. If you want to know if there's something wrong with her, wait until she talks to the therapist. And no, she's not going to get off scott free. But this is the wonderful sparkling land of Equestria, so I wanted to at least keep some semblance of hope.
Since most of you asked it, those are irises. Iris sanguinea to be exact. It's also the girl's 'cutie mark'.
And yes, 'deflowered' is commonly used to describe lost virginity, but the core meaning is a loss of innocence. Flowers are delicate and pure, and the destruction... well, one can imagine what it would imply. I like symbolism.
-shrugs-
If you don't want to wait for the second part to bring some answers, don't.
863523
I suspect you're here for the gore?
^ Road To The Sky King
Obvious troll is obviously trolling.
863818
Nope, just good story. i love how she is perfectly sane then boom the insainity of boredom! cant wait for more!
There you go~
It actually says "Part 1" so people don't think this is a contextless gore fic that's not even going to go anywhere~
You should probably fix your story description as well. It's vague and says NOTHING about what the story is about. What you have written resembles a 1980's B-Movie backing's description. Extra points if you use the words "roller coaster", "action packed thrill ride", or "spine tingling!" Something more fitting would be:
"After murdering her marefriend in cold blood, Judge Final sentences Iris to life on parole with a therapist and a tracking anklet on her leg. Her cutie mark will forever be stained with blood, the mark of a pony that has committed a murder. What sort of therapist could possibly hope to save her from her own twisted, cold, uncaring mind? Princess Cadence, the Princess of Love, of course."
That, at least, would be accurate. I know you don't want to give away the whole story in your description, but you at LEAST have to tell the premise and the set-up. Otherwise, nopony will want to read what you've made after all your hard work!
863849
Well, thank you for giving the story another go. I think I'll just copy/paste that description, maybe make some minor edits. If you want me to change it, I will. Otherwise, that's a lot better.
Frankly, it was about five-thirty in the morning when I wrote that description with about 36 hours awake under my belt, so it might as well have been word soup at that point.
Now, to everyone else reading this:
I put a lot of thought into writing this. I want to thank everyone for their input. This isn't really a concrete story; I have a basic picture of what might happen, but I'm relying on feedback to write this. Murder is a very touchy subject, I know. This is a bit of a social experiment with a strong personal bias. I know the beginning was painful and jarring, but I suspect the worst has passed. Stick with me and I suspect we might have a satisfying conclusion. Leave now and you'll have just read another terrible fanfic.
A final note--
This story is a testament to the influence of the internet. Without people biting at my heels to change my story, it would get absolutely nowhere. Where else can you get input at the speed of light? [besides just looking around you]
864417 Well, contrary to what I said earlier, I'm back. Why? Because your story has been festering in my mind for the last few hours. After some thought, I came to the conclusion that I REALLY loved the concept, and I don't know why. Guess it's just similar to the the things I like, and the things I love to write about (though I have yet to submit something for this fandom). So, I came back and decided to read the first chapter again. Perhaps it was better than I thought and I was just in a bad mood, or I missed something that I didn't catch earlier that would have explained character motives.
I was wrong, it still sucked... but something did catch my eye. That something... was you. More specifically, your comments. I must say, I am thoroughly impressed, and quite surprised. I usually find stories like this with a crappy immature author who decided to write a bad, half-ass story, saying "I want 2 be popUlar, and riting is eazy! I'll rite the bestest st0ry 3ver!!!1!!one!!!" They have no respect or drive to be a writer, and it's almost insulting what they think can pass as a good story. They spam the archives and flood the front page, making story hunting so much harder.
But not you. You displayed a level of class that I thought was all but extinct from newer writers. More importantly, I saw drive. Most writers would either rage or give up when faced with the overwhelmingly negative ratio of 2-13, but not you. I admire that, and that's why I have decided to stick around a little longer. There is a very small glimmer of hope that this story can be revived, especially after hearing how you're taking criticism and using it to better your story. I have realized that I have actually not given you a thumbs down yet, which is quite surprising after my last comment, and I decided to hold off on doing so. Maybe you can redeem this wonderful concept, earn yourself a thumbs up, and make me (and everyone else) a happy reader.
...
Oh, and by the way, beware the hug box, their the scum of the internet, perhaps worse than trolls. They'll lead you down the wrong path and bring you to the point of no return. They offer no criticism or helpful advice and think everything bad is awesome, since it's probably still better than anything they can ever do. Which reminds me...
863822
i.imgur.com/BCmqt.png
I don't do chapters. Chapters are long. I do parts and pieces, self-contained sections that tell pieces of the bigger picture.
And sorry for accidentally unposting and reposting it, my computer lagged out.
864847
Well, thank you very much for the vote of confidence
To be frank, the second you said "but something did catch my eye. That something... was you." I was totally creeped out. But reading the rest of your comment, I was nearly blushing. I've been writing for a while, but I know it's not good to be satisfied with your work, so I'm always looking for ways to improve. Sometimes, that means tweaking your style, other times just tweaking your story. In this case, I have to do both. My normal style isn't exactly compatible with the MLP universe, and I can't just switch styles all-out like I did with End of Courage.
In case I didn't say it before, thank you (thank you all, really) for being honest; I love knowing what problems people see in my stories, and if fixing it means I have to come up with a creative explanation, it's that much more interesting to read. So again, thank you ^-^
And I know to not take positive comments for a grain of salt. It's nice to know people like a story, but when you know the story doesn't live up to your own expectations, you shouldn't expect it to please others.
I kind of know where he wants to go with this, since we are friends IRL, but not even I know the specifics, only generals.
I know that if you guys can stick with it for a few of his scenes, It will get more interesting and characters will have some development.
Trust me. He does not like to do anything half-assed.
For some reason I find myself back again to read the second part of your story. It was... better. A lot better.
The description of your story is much better and gives people a general idea of what they're heading into. I really like the concept, so I am back because, well, we all know what they say about curiosity. The second part of the story is much better. I chuckled at Applejack Daniels.
I approach you again with the same morbid curiosity one gets while looking at a wreck on the highway. You don't WANT to look, but you've just got to.
I do again wonder at the sort of logic system you are setting up with this story. This was really just a scene, not a chapter, and could've been much more than it was. I saw your little note about not wanting to write chapters because they were too long and such, however-- be wary of the likes and dislikes bar up there. If you want your fellow ponies to read, you need to deliver a good string of content that explains itself quickly and resolutely. I do understand the dark tag and I loath to ever use it myself, but just make sure you deliver on what you promise sooner rather than later. If people read the first portion and then STILL stick around, you should have probably delivered Princess Cadence to us at the beginning of chapter 2-- THEN moved on to the scene with the judge-- THEN perhaps ended it out with Cadence meeting Iris for the first time. I'm concerned about the lack of characters from the show, as well. You promised us a Princess, yes, excellent, but thus far she is the only character we are garanteed to have in this whole dark mess. Make sure we're around her a LOT when she does show up, or the lack of likes and the abundance of OC's may doom your story to obscurity.
On a lighter note, I'm very interested to see Princess Cadence's work environment. Whether you go for the traditional "couch" therapist, or something more magical and unique, remember-- a therapist's office is supposed to be comforting, homely and easy to unwind in. That's how they get people to open up and talk about their problems.
There's some glimmer of a good story in here somewhere, just keep going and we'll find it soon! Keep writing!
873326
Thank you, sir. You do me honor by that.
885968
Same to you, sir or madam.
895335
I'm borderline offended by your initial statement, but I never let myself go over that line. Don't worry, the next part is very Cadance heavy.
Which brings me to my general comment. Whoever's still watching this story, the next part is coming soon. Sorry I haven't been able to get anything up before now. I've been having some serious personal problems that I had to take care of, so everything else was forced onto the back burner. I don't like it, but it happens.
Things are looking up, and I have some spare time. So expect a new part, longer than a scene, shorter than a raging chapter, to come up within the next three days. Keep the comments coming, and try not to flatter me too much. I fear the end of End of Courage suffered due to lack of feedback other than "Yay, new chapter!"
But I'm doing better, jah?
~576 Belligerent Coil loves you!
<< Always Watching.
Well, I'm just terrible with deadlines, aren't I?
At any rate, here's Part 2! Wooooo~
Next [chapter?] shouldn't have so much delay in coming, seeing as I have some inspiration and have a general idea what's going to happen. Don't have to worry about synthesizing the whole thing from scratch.
In case you're looking at my previous statement and saying, "What the hell, bro, why didn't you just type that up and put it at the end of this "chapter?" I mean srlsly guise," here's my response:
Furthermore, this has been long overdue and I like where I ended it. I get off on ending chapters with a stinger. Sue me. Or don't, Equestria's judiciary system is shit.
Work on your grammer, brother. Also, I'm not your brother.
--576 Belligerent Coil was here and he's struggling with his romantic feelings towards you all!
EDIT: It's been brought to my attention that I haven't been signing off on my comments as I normally do. This is disturbing. Do not expect this terrifying trend to continue.
-makes mental note to double-check all his comments-
964975
...that's not creepy at all!
--576 B.C. was here