- Member Since 12th Feb, 2012
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SCP Pinkamena
Escaped SCP: Always running, never stopping
SCP Pinkamena
Joined 12th Feb, 2012 ·
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That was good. I liked the whole deaf concept.
7869096 Tanks mate
Also, an important note, if you are going to Dislike my story or anyone else's please explain why so we writers can correct it in the future
Amusing little story, but needs editing. There are some sentence fragments, verb tense changes, mixing up words like were/where, that sort of thing. And because it's so short, they really stick out.
7869298 I just kinda wrote it on the spot, can you blame me? I have a knack for writing I really do, but sometimes I often forget not everyone can see and sense the same things that I can. If you can point out some of the mistakes that would be very helpful
7869306
That second isn't a full sentence:
a few friends, Sour Sweet (being one of them/among them [both is redundant]).
as your translator
That is the verb tense problem. Most of the time you're using past tense, but sometimes you'll drop into present tense. It's fine to use present, especially since you're also using a 2nd person narrative, but the inconsistency is jarring.
won't
It's a lot of little things that can snowball into a bigger problem.
7869360 I agree with everything except for "wont"
From what I was taught in English classes spelling it with an apostrophe or without one is correct either way.
7869734 11 years of English class, down the drain. Thanks
This reminds me of the time I nearly followed a teacher into the lady's room in high school. I ended up doing that about two more times and was only lucky by chance.
Strange times. Anyway, great story.
7874402 yeah, buddy of mine ended up going into the girls too, but he said he went in taking his shirt off and when he started looking around he said it was silence and then all of them screamed
Eh, I'll give ya a like, but somethin' bothered me. If you had a locker right, the combo is for it only, so why would the locker in the wrong room open? Slight logic error but alas a decent story. ~
I honestly enjoyed that story and the deaf concept made it even better
7895272 mostly because I forgot to add a part, I'll fix it after work
Hi, I ummed and ahhed over whether to post this comment or not, having read the story when it was on the main page on the newest stories column when it first came out, and I'm finally deciding it's better to offer some feedback.
I thought this story had some really genuinely very good bits, and I'm posting this comment because I really enjoyed a lot of the story. Adagio and Spitfire are two of my favourite characters, and I'm very fond of Sour Sweet too, so it was a really good combination. Making the protagonist deaf, and showing the difficulties that caused without making it a defining attribute was a really nice touch, and that was an unusual thing to go for that made the story all the better.
Nice Spitfire is always a joy to see, and I really appreciated how supportive she was. Sour Sweet had a really good balance of outrage and friendliness, and I liked how she got vicious defending her friend to Sunset and Adagio, even when she'd been similarly insulted. I also really liked the little detail that Adagio could read sign language, like she woke up one day and realised there was a whole subset of the population she couldn't flirt with (especially with the deaf being the only ones immune to the whole siren song thing).
BUT, having said that, I found the tone suddenly shifted when the protagonist got his eyeful, and suddenly the text had its explicit genital descriptions. I can't say I'm a fan of clop, so that put me off, and I would have stopped reading if it hadn't been so near the end already. Even if I were there for the M-rated bits, I don't think the comedy or character building of the rest of the story really fits with that; if I were turned on then those bits would go unappreciated, whereas, because I wasn't, the explicit bits did.
If I may make a comparison:
I'm sure you could come up with something like that yourself that fit the tone of the story better than my attempt, but I'd just ask what you think the story gains from having the explicit descriptions you included here rather than a slightly less genitally-detailed description like my version. It's like the difference between a shower scene in a film that shows everyone from behind, or from the neck up or otherwise obscured, and one that shows everything.
I think if you changed that one bit (which is only two sentences), and the description of Sour Sweet bending over to something similarly not-explicit (again, only two sentences of the 1,300 word total), then the story could happily pass for a Teen rating with the Sex tag. Personally, I think the rest of the story is a better fit for that rating, I can't think of many M-rated stories on this site where comedy or slice of life is the focus, so I suspect most people looking for that kind of story will be searching in the teen category. Not to mention that this site has a 'view mature yes/no?' filter, which many users may leave set to no, and so adjusting the story to fit a teen rating might well bring in a much wider audience.
I'm not trying to interfere artistically; if you think it has to be explicitly detailed about it to be your vision and doesn't work if made less so, then fair enough. I'm not saying you should water it down because it being explicit is bad, I'm saying that I don't think those bits go too well with the rest of the story. It was a red flag for me because personally, explicitly described schoolgirls in the shower is not what I like to read, or indeed what I'd like on my internet search history. I would simply ask how much you think the story gains from those bits versus how much it loses.
I'm sorry to post a long comment dwelling on the negative - again, I really liked about 95% of the story, and I thought you handled the characters well. I just wish I could have liked all of it, rather than being put off by four or five sentences. I hope you write more, and it would be great to see more of these characters, whether in continuity with this story or not. Also, I can promise you that none of the dislikes on this story came from me.
7920066 Like I said in the description, this is actually my FIRST um, story like this. I'm sure if I did these more often, I would get the hang of it, but as it is right now, I'm perfectly contempt. As for those off putting sentences... I have some weird complextion that makes me gloss everything over, in the fact that I say if I can understand it, so can you. And I've tired very hard to make the changes, but in the end it makes no sence to me, and in turn, won't make sence to you.
P.S. Thank for the Constructive Criticism
Need to do a follow up on this story. Second story that involved a deaf person's P.O.V.
Is there literally anyone who's said this?
8007470 Several people from my old school in Elcho, WI
"You disgust me!.... go on."
Jk, but such a silly little story it was fun
7869772
Hey, don't feel too bad. I didn't know the difference between it's and its until senior year. Nobody had ever corrected me! And I took advanced English classes! AP, and DE! Seriously, I even had the same teacher for Junior and Senior year, and he didn't correct me until Senior year! Sometimes things happen. I think, sometimes, people will just automatically correct things mentally, so if I'd put it's, they automatically read its, not registering the apostrophe, and teachers can suffer from the same issue. Also, some teachers just might not realize that it's a consistent problem and think it was a one time/short term mistake.
8007635
ah a fellow Wisconsin brony
Is there a possibility for sequel one where there’s actual sex?