• Member Since 17th Feb, 2016
  • offline last seen 4 hours ago

Dark Chocolate


Converting daydreams into stories helps me pretend to be human.

Comments ( 40 )

Angry/fighting sex (whatever you wanna call it) is the best, well done :pinkiehappy:

I'll keep this in the later bin to read it later... This is gonna be awesome!

You're missing a "b" in the title.

7050104 Ya it seemed to be the most believable thing for her to enjoy lol

This was really sexy, and this is a series too?

I'm gonna have to follow you, aren't I?

7051694 Basically the main character bangs...a lot of characters with different settings and whatnot. They all kind of go in chronological order and sorta tie into eachother hehe, so feel free to follow along! Out of curiosity, do you feel a bit of backstory makes it more engaging or do you just skip to the sex?

7051841 Personally, I feel that the back story is VERY important, as it sets the mood. I can't read or write clop for the sake of clop.

7052071 I agree, like you said it helps pull you into the story. I mean if I just start reading the sex scene, I'm still reading a story. When there's an intro, it's easier to get lost and enjoy it all as a whole.

And it's done! Damn, mate, well done!

7052289 Thank you kindly! Remember, it's going to be a series!

Good storytelling, but you need to watch your present/past tense confusion, as well as a bit of grammar checking.

7057077 Ya I tend to get wept up in my writing lol, I'll give it a few go overs. Don't suppose you remember where you saw anything?

7057315
You start out with past tense with a bit of present peeking through, and by the middle, it's all present.
And just things like "Our tongue’s".

7050936
It should be noted that different people have different preferences as to whether they want backstory or straight clop, and which they prefer can vary wildly internally by other factors, too.

The best solution to this I've seen is:
* Write the backstory
* When you get to the clop, put a massive header with bold text and a ridiculous font size saying "BIG OBVIOUS HEADER TO MARK WHERE THE CLOP STARTS".

And here we go...by your request...

My gaze meets hers at the last second. Hopefully she hasn't notice.

Excuse me while I run for cover as I point out a mistake I commonly make all the time in my fanfiction...:rainbowwild:

Anyways, you forgot to add a "d" to this word.

Sorry...i'll stop nitpicking now...

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YE-OUCH! I think my eyes just suffered from a skidburn! Your plot progression is so fast I almost missed when it transitioned from hockey to wrestling! Slow down and work up to it a little more slowly in the future.

Another thing though this is just a mini-pet peeve but your portraying RD as an absolute tease with a "Rip my clothes off and fuck me!" undertone... As someone who tries to stay close to character personalty as possible, I wanna call foul on this. No doubt she can be a tease but your making her do this so often it gives off the undertone I mentioned earlier. As I said though, just a pet-peeve, nothing really wrong with writing a character that way.

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*finishes story*
pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw7567-tumblr_m8rf1eEzb41r84295o1_500.gif

Your plot progression was so fast and the scenes in which they were playing the sports were so rushed it felt as if you may as well not have written any pretense at all to the clop.

Every scene felt like you were fighting the urge to jump straight into the clop with every paragraph.

The only saving grace this one-shot has is that the clop section was actually entertaining and surprisingly well thought out but still rather rushed in some parts.

7074049 Well first off, thank you for reviewing this so fast. I did rush the sports scenes because no matter how many times I tried to have it be entertaining...it's literally just them playing. I toyed with the idea of having them stop and chitchat and introduce more of Nikky's character, I might add it in. Also I do agree that the sex does fly by moderately fast, I've been working on improving it in my future stories. Thanks for the feedback!

This was really well written in my opinion... But when they were wrestling to me it didn't seem like they were.:rainbowhuh: Now I'm not trying to tell you that suck at writing "fight" scenes. It's just that when you described them wrestling I could barely play out what they were doing.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that when writing fight scenes you have to be specific, but when it comes to wrestling where it's so close and there's so many moves, describe how they do the moves. Tons of people don't know shit about wrestling so try not to put technique names in there. :twilightsheepish:
Now I've wrestled for nine years and I know pretty damn well how tireing it can be when finishing a match. Also with someone Rainbows size:rainbowkiss: they wouldn't exactly be able to slip through legs because it's so close and there's a ton of grabbing and pushing. I would suggest watching videos or even better learning it yourself for future reference, if you already haven't.

Shit... I think I got a little carried away, sorry:twilightsheepish:!!! This actually a real great story and I really enjoyed it. It's just the wrestling that got me, other than that good job!!!:pinkiehappy:

7080318 Ya I made the call of not getting too specific about their moves. I figured that it would either slow down the story due to complexity or just not be interesting. I tried to give just enough detail to be able to visualize what they're doing, but it was extremely difficult. Glad you enjoyed the story!

7080325 Okay, but if you ever need help with anything like that don't be afraid to ask!:pinkiehappy:

7080348 Actually I may take you up on that lol

7080350 Yep and just to say the reasons this specific story caught my was Rainbow and wrestling. I put two and two together! lol

7080357 I was just thinking "This guy must have love this story then if he did wrestling for 9 years lol..."

7080362 It's kinda like drugs, once you start and get that feeling of winning it's hard to stop. Even if practices every day sucks ass

That was sweet and sexy fun.

I really enjoyed the interaction between the characters, the 1st person point of view worked pretty well, and the sex scenes and build-up there-in were well paced and hot. :raritywink:

Wasn't the biggest fan off the ending. I felt it ended too abruptly and suddenly but, having read your blog, i can see it whole intentional. It is...interesting. :applejackunsure: I don't think i've ever seen a story before where the chapters ended where it felt like, regardless of any real rhyme or reason, and picked back up when and if the author chose. It's not bad per se, it'll just take some getting used to on my part.

But, this was a fun and steamy fic. I enjoyed it. Most excellent. :twilightsheepish:

7096563 Well if you liked this, feel free to give The Fluttershy Effect a read! Thank you for the feedback!

Before I read this, I have to know: Is Rainbow on top or on bottom in this story?

7193541 um...technically on top I guess. It changes a lot if I remember

i like totally shi*posted on your comment section, and i'm not even gonna apologize.

7242485 I'd tell you to shit away, but that would sound weird.
So shit away.

That was both sexy and funny, nice job :D

7557612 I'm actually surprised you wrote all that about it haha! This was one of my first clop fics meant for nothing more than gratification. In later stories, Nikky gets more of a personalty.

Equestria Girls clop is best clop :rainbowkiss:

Are you going to do stories like this this for the Dazzlings too?

7909902 Yeah, but the one I'm doing for Ara is a combination of clop/tragedy. Clop with a plot essentally but I kinda forgot about it.

One argument in gym lead to an all out feud, as Dash and I started competing with every sport the school had equipment for.

This should have been One argument in gym led to an all out feud, as Dash and I started competing with every sport the school had equipment for.
The reason for the change in wording here is because the word lead is the present tense form of the word, and you meant to use the past tense form of the word.

I follow her to the equipment locker, dragging the rack of balls with me.

This should have been I followed her to the equipment locker, dragging the rack of balls with me.

She beings twitching like mad.

This should have been She begins twitching like mad.

One argument in gym lead to an all out feud, as Dash and I started competing with every sport the school had equipment for.

This should have been One argument in gym led to an all out feud, as Dash and I started competing with every sport the school had equipment for.
The reason for the change in wording here is because the word lead is the present tense form of the word, and you meant to use the past tense form of the word.

Each fossett had a large curtain around it, that was almost the size of a luxury tent.

This should have been Each faucet had a large curtain around it, that was almost the size of a luxury tent.

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