• Member Since 12th Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen July 25th

Impossible Numbers


"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, Old Time is still a-flying, And this same flower that smiles today, Tomorrow will be dying."

E

Back from another military campaign, Captain Rainbow Dash is entrusted with a less-than-ideal squad to whip into shape. Arguably worse are the strange kidnappings, the interspecies conflicts, and her friend Fluttershy repeatedly getting into trouble.

Chapters (10)
Comments ( 18 )

With a quaff of his fermented grape juice

Oh come on, you explicitly called it a wineglass in the very first paragraph.

Aside from that, I'm fascinated. Conspiracies, harmony crystals, strange and unfamiliar societies? Eagerly looking forward to more.

8862421

Oh all right. It's a fair cop. I'll change it to Pinot Noir.

Also, thanks for the comment! Will have a fair amount coming through soon enough, don't you worry. :scootangel:

8865717

Not quite. Slightly different inspiration here. :raritywink:

Anyway, on to the chapter where Rainbow Dash actually makes an appearance! :rainbowdetermined2:

That's weird.... i gave this a like, but it shows the story has none. :rainbowhuh:

Well anyway, very interesting so far! Feel so sad for poor Tank though... :fluttercry:

8871745

I think that's normal for stories that haven't surpassed 10 ratings yet. At the moment, I can see seven likes, so that's probably all it is.

Thanks! And don't worry; Tank's got the patient mindset for this kind of ordeal. He'll be perfectly fine. :rainbowdetermined2:

I'm assuming you prefer honesty in the comments, yes?

If I'm being honest, there isn't a lot about this plot line that draws me to it. The description itself doesn't do much- if I don't know already what the bellerophon armada is, then there's no hook- nothing interesting enough to catch many people's attention. It's your story, and you can manage it however you please, but I think you might attract a few more viewers in the future if you use more descriptive, more attractive appeals in the descriptions.

As far is the writing is concerned, i compliment you. As a standard, I'm usually expecting any given story to have mediocre wiring. This story, however, seems solid to me. You know how to manage punctuation, and you arrange clauses and dialogue in such a way that doesn't feel overly contrived, awkward, or unbelievable to read. It flows smoothly enough that it feels like I could be reading a proper novel. The characters' diction and expressions are given with enough detail that I can envision them, and not feel that they are out of character. All in all, I think you have fairly fine writing, good sir/miss

It’s a crackdown, fool!

Be honest. The entire reason this story exists is for this line, right? :raritywink:

8875151

You assume correctly. I will admit that summaries for Alternate Universe stories in particular are tricky for me; with regular ones, a lot of the gaps are easy enough to fill in thanks to the reader's familiarity with the show, a strategy that doesn't quite work for something that deviates from that aforementioned canon. What I was trying to do was capture enough of the essential storyline without feeling like I was leaving anything out. However, now you've pointed this out, I will at least give it some more consideration.

As for the rest, I'm glad you found the writing so fine. Always an encouraging sign: thank you for the feedback.

8875165

No. Yes.

Come on. This is Iron Will we're talking about. How else is he going to put it?

I have to admit, this could use a bit more background at this point, though I'm able to piece to gether most of it. Though I was actually makig things more complicated for myself than necessary when it came to comprehending the story; I thought there was a lot more bouncing back and forth between past and present.

In any case, I deeply regret letting this sit by the wayside for a week. Eagerly looking forward to more.

Huh. I'd suspected as much from the last chapter, but it does seem like pegasi can't walk on clouds in this universe. Which is especially surprising given so much cloud cover that Rainbow Dash had never even seen the moon for the first several years of her life.

I'm really not sure if Fluttershy's attempted confession was coming out, trying to discuss opting out of the peacekeepers, or a combination thereof.

And as for the chimera fight, that's certainly one way to get back some political capital... though there is the question of whether Spitfire will believe any of it.

8875212

Considering world-building is a mixed bag for me when it comes to presentation, I'm intrigued but not totally surprised. I'm still digesting Sage of the Leaf's point earlier about the plotline, which could be a side effect of the world-building style I've adopted of "let 'em figure it out as I go along". Any particular aspects you had difficulty with, or was it more general?

Also, thanks as ever for the good comments! :scootangel:

8876771

Regarding both the way clouds work and Fluttershy's almost-confession... ahahaha. That would be telling. Although I can confirm that pegasi do not control the weather here, and yet it isn't exactly real-world style weather either. :moustache:

The chimaera fight depends on how you look at it. Given what almost happened to her, Rainbow arguably did not handle herself very well until the others intervened (though it's hard to blame her for that, given what was at stake). As Meadow Flower points out, the rest of the team are not the cream of the crop, so yeah, good luck persuading anyone.

Besides, let's just say: the next chapter won't be a victory lap for these guys.

8876864
It's more general. I don't know how this world or this nation work, and phasing out known elements of standard canon means that I can't even fall back on that. (Thus, for example, I can't be certain as to the identity of Tank's True Big One.) The end result is that virtually everything is left unclear until you deign to reveal it, which means I don't know how to process revelations or make expectations. The story is at times more confusing than entertaining, like trying to get into a story-based series on the thirty-fifth episode. Who are these people? What is this setting? And if I don't get answers soon, why should I care?

(I do care, for the record, but I trust you get my point.)

8876870

I think I see what you're saying. There's insufficient context at this stage from which to fully judge character and setting?

If so, I suppose I could give the existing chapters some editing work or expand on a few points in certain scenes. I'll have to think about this one, though. Maybe I could include those points as the story continues, and treat these opening segments as a variant of in media res, but at the moment I think it best if I get someone to look at what's there and go into detail: a proofreader, for example.

This unclear world-building aspect does seem to be a recurring problem with my work, though, so feedback alerting me to its presence is very welcome. Thanks for answering my question.

All right, so with this tenth chapter, I think we can safely say "End of Part One". I've got a few other projects to take care of, and a proofreader to track down for this fic. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy what's here, and I'm more than happy to receive constructive feedback in the comments, if you're thus inclined. :twilightsmile:

Hmm. Well. Further data on ponies in this setting. And now I'm wondering where and how earth ponies fit into things.

Also, this seems like a very abbrieviated rank structure if it goes straight from private to lieutenant. Should've said something earlier, but the point stands.

Still, we have a mystery and cast established. This should prove very interesting indeed.

8884841

Peek behind the scenes here: I had no firm ideas for the rank system and just put those down according to how plausible they sounded at the time. Odds are I'll go back and edit them later to something more realistic, but for the moment I'm invoking my fantasy artistic license. It's not optimal, but it'll get the job done for now, I think.

As for the world-building, I suppose that's a step in the right direction, but I'm still gonna get a proofreader to look at this thing, just in case. The rest of the story is currently on hold while I tackle a couple of contests and a debut novel I'm (hopefully :raritystarry:) finishing this month.

Glad you like it anyway! :scootangel: Always a pleasure to receive feedback from you. :pinkiesmile:

“I immediately jumped forwards and hoisted her up as high as I could!”

It's no problem, then, she'd immediately implode out of embarassment.

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