The Disappearances In Ponyville

This story has been marked as having adult content. Please click below to confirm you are of legal age to view adult material in your country.

Confirm

Comments ( 2 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 2
- Newest First
- Oldest First

Malory

Malory #1 · Oct 30th, 2019 · · · The Room Of Horror ·

You wrote this 2-3 years ago and have only published it recently. I don't know what the quality of the body of your work is otherwise, and so I'll be reacting as such.

I, and most likely all other readers, can piece together this whole story just by reading the synopsis. This is because we've read the story before. Some aspiring fanfic author reads Cupcakes and goes "I can do that!" and they do. "Pick a pony, pick a killer, killer gets pony, pony gets tortured and chopped to pieces, the end", repeat until you get so many of these stories that you can fill the Library of Congress. Everyone has read them, everyone knows how it goes. Here, it seems you decided to throw a low effort copy of the story together, but figured it wasn't very good and so you kept it hidden. Now Halloween's coming, and you want to get something out in the spirit of the season, and you find this fic in your library and decide "eh, might as well post it". I can't fault that. However, I started feeling guilty after thumbing this down and saying nothing because frankly you deserve a chance and people already do a lot of thumbing down without giving a critique or suggestions on how to improve the author's writing. So, for your benefit, I'll try my best to give you something to learn from one chapter at a time.

Chapter 1: Less than one hundred words and basically just a repeat of the premise: ponies have disappeared, Twilight investigates. The only difference is that you present it like a sterile narration, like a poor-man's Rod Serling giving the background for an episode of the Twilight Zone (hee).

My advice: Show, don't tell. Develop scenes where ponies realize that there are disappearances, and have some go to Twilight which then prompts her to ask questions and investigate. Don't just go "The Lotus Twins, Filthy Rich, and that one stallion the sells cabbages haven't been seen in MONTHS! Twilight decides to investigate!" Flesh it out, maybe have Twilight try to rationalize it as a monster and actually do some investigating in the first chapter instead of setting us up for the next two. Establish a stronger air of mystery by somehow making what's going on less obvious. Establish more suspects. The mystery will draw in the reader, and fleshing it out with details like idle chats, interrogations, quirks, and sensory details (sight, sound, smell, etc.) will suspend the reader's disbelief.

Chapter 2: Skipping straight to the advice: Again, show don't tell. Show her talking with the ponies, asking if they have seen so-and-so.

The major issue with the mystery presented her is if Caring was noted to be missing, why wouldn't anyone have tried to check if he was home BEFORE Twilight?

Speaking of which, Twilight's characterization is off here. This isn't some nitty-gritty "eugh but in CANON" complaint: She's smart and curious, but she doesn't act like a child when it comes to this sort of things. She doesn't go "aw pretty please" when already told why he can't demonstrate the spells. She would probably ask what kinds of spells he's learned, ask him if he can show her sometime, and then move on. She has disappeared ponies to find anyway, right?

Then there's the discovery of the secret room. I'm willing to believe Twilight would go for the "THIS BOOK JUST ISN'T IN THE RIGHT PLACE" sort of thing, so that's fine. But it's how you describe what happens:

"She looks at it then walks up to it then pushes it in which causes a ladder to show up which leads down to somewhere."

Where is it? Behind the bookcase? Was there a trapdoor? Is it like a Zelda puzzle where the stairs just magically appear?

And then she goes down without considering the fact her host is still in the house. She could instead consider that and remember that the hidden room is suspicious, or just be curious about it, but recognize that it's not a good look to go poking your nose around like that.

Minor detail: refrain from "a bunch". "Numerous/Many/A series of ~~sharp~~ rusted instruments". (Rust dulls the tool and a dull blade inflicts far more pain when cutting someone).

Chapter 3: Okay, time to be a little snarky: Oh no, the guy who disappeared-but-not-really who is the cover art of the story was a serial killer this whole time what a TWEEST. The Cannibal Serial Killer Pony is just so common that you would probably have a better time writing a parody of those stories than writing an actual serious take on it AND having it be unique enough to garner positive reviews.

My advice: You did something really cheap here that insults the intelligence of the viewer, and that's no-selling the most powerful magic user in Equestria with a spell that just goes "whoop no magic for my own convenience". She doesn't even get a chance to fight. That's just a dumb move to make sure the villain (YOU) wins. It's a cheap trick. If the villain is going to win against someone who is as notoriously skilled as Twilight Sparkle, he or she needs to exploit Twilight's quirks and work around her strengths with an actual thought-out trick. I don't particularly know what this would be, but it can't just be "I cast NULL".

As for the torture and gore, you certainly read Cupcakes. However, you didn't use one of the tools that made Cupcakes as terrifying as it is: DETAILS. Description of the pain of being crucified onto a surgery table and being cut open, the slowly building dread as Caring gets closer and closer to outright slicing Twilight open, the actual visuals of those exposed organs being drawn out (that said... she'd be DEAD long before her heart comes out, whether it's from shock or from blood loss). You skimp on the gorey details in favor of a play-by-play of "she screams, he cuts her, she begs, he laughs".

Finally, this:

"Oh Princess Twilight. Your so funny. It will take forever for them to find out what I am doing and besides, when they do find out and when I am put to death....." Caring gets really close to Twilight's face. ".....I will just smile."

But why? Why would he? In fact, why does he kill? Why does he do all of this? I know there's a place in horror for the "unknown motivation", but when writing a social, talkative killer, you need to establish the motive and methods. Cupcakes may not have given much aside from Pinkie Pie being insane, and from there other authors have taken the story and explained her madness as being trauma-induced by the botched surprise party or even a parasprite getting in her head. Whatever it was, she was compelled to hold a lottery, torture the "winner" to death, bake their organs, and turn their hide into another piece of her macabre dress. Caring just does whatever, from eating the organs, turning the hollow corpses into dolls, saving the hearts... but why? "Insanity" can only be used to explain so much.

In conclusion: Don't give up writing, you can improve. If you aim to ever make a horror story like this again, try to think of something that isn't Cupcakes derivative in entirety. Make it a mystery: ponies are disappearing, Twilight needs to find out why but there's many twists and turns, but perhaps there's something more than her just going STRAIGHT to the killer's home. Give a reason for this to be happening that's more than just copy-pasting what Pinkie Pie did in Cupcakes. "Torture room" and "X is a serial killer" fics aren't even my favorite, but I've heard of how some of them spice it up by giving the killers certain specific quirks and motives.

And remember: SHOW don't TELL. Details, descriptions, all of that is more appealing that a narrator telling us "and then this happened and she said this and he did that". Show the readers what the characters, at least the focus character, is thinking or feeling through inner dialogue or expression. Remember to use the senses where they matter: what does the room smell like? What does she see on the bodies? What does the table feel like? What does her liver taste like with a side of fava beans? Imagine you are the character in the scene, or the director of the shot. Every detail on the stage could matter. Arrange it in your mind's eye, and then write down what's important so the audience can build the image in their mind as they read. Don't go overboard, of course: in a scene where what the character is seeing and smelling are important, don't describe what they taste and hear, but don't go visual only, and don't just say "there was a smell". Details, details, details.

Well, this comment has gone on for far too long, and is probably going to be the last of its kind. I hope it helps you build your writing skill.

gamerboy11116