- Member Since 13th Nov, 2015
- offline last seen January 5th
CaringSlash
I write short romance and adventure stories. I post update blogs. I've been a Brony ever since July 2014.
CaringSlash
Joined 13th Nov, 2015 ·
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This reads very... dry and liner. What this needs is some surprise factor. The more the reader screams, 'oh! I didn't see that coming!' the better.
For example, in the chapter with Rarity, you could have done it so 'Anon' (or whatever his name is) got beaten up by accident. Or that when he was talking with Rainbow Dash, he just sounded like he was the culprit, but in reality, they were talking about something else, and Rarity beat him up for nothing.
The chapter with Twilight also suffers from this. She cast a spell, everyone knows something bad was supposed to happen. But instead of showing some funny reactions, you jumped straight to the finish. Because of that, the chapter is pretty uninspiring.
You need to spice things up, make it less linear, less predictable, with some lovely funny narration. Here are a few stories that can help:
- MLP: FiM
- Comedy
- Random
- Slice of Life
Luna begins to question her understanding of the modern day language when she finds that nopony wants to be gay with her.- MLP: FiM
- Comedy
- Slice of Life
- Thriller
It's a hard job, but somepony has to do it. Three brave fillies step up to fight crime and capture the notorious criminal, Anonymous.- MLP: FiM
- Comedy
- Random
Rainbow Dash develops an acquired taste. At least, that's what everyone thinks.- MLP: FiM
- Comedy
After the gala, Princess Celestia sends Blueblood a letter to "explain" a few things...- MLP: FiM
- Comedy
- Random
Applejack confronts Fluttershy about her relationship with Big Mac. It doesn't end well.Pretty good! Are you planning chapters for other ponies? Celestia and Luna, perhaps?
I haven’t read past the description, but I’m getting heavy simp vibes
To be fair this was is entirely the humans fault. Like. A very delicate and intricate trick that relies heavily on precision. And they move to scratch an itch.
¡Hija de perra!
Rarity es y siempre ha sido una perra.