• Member Since 21st Jul, 2016
  • offline last seen September 4th

veronicatoon7


Lion King lover with a Fanfiction account who wanted to share some My Little Pony stories on this site. Hope you Enjoy!

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Discord finds out about of Pinkie's enjoyment of his cotton candy, chocolate milk rain clouds, so he decides to treat her to some. Maybe he gets a lesson about friendship out of it?

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 8 )

I always did feel that Pinkie would have been more suited to reform Discord. No offense to Fluttershy, but I don't know what Celestia asked her to reform the Spirit of Chaos instead of the most chaotic pony in Ponyville, possibly Equestria.

That was really nice. A good wrapping up point for a chapter, and I noticed you left this story as incomplete? Excellent! I shall put this to my tracking and favorites immediately!!!
I excitedly await the next chapter!

Celestia needs a parade to go with that chocolate rain.:ajsmug:

I'm confused.

Her second guess was Trixie, but she remembered that she promised never to return to Ponyville ever again.

Is this set before season 6, when Trixie does return to Ponyville? Or is something else up?

Warning: Extremely subjective views in a long comment! Take my words with a grain of salt.

The story is quite quick. I know it is meant to be bite-sized, but it's almost too quick. You should focus more on Pinkie-Discord interaction through dialog and better fleshing out the pre-interaction and post-interaction exposition. For example: would she be so willing to accept a gift from Discord at face value? Why would she just hug him and bounce off? I mean, we all know Pinkie is a very busy pony with all the parties and whatnot, but she could make some time for a new friend (and I guess this does qualify as Discord "officially" befriending Pinkie).

But don't add unnecessary conflicts to artificially produce intrigue.

Overall: a neat little story. Good job!

Suggestions:
- Add slice of life tag
- Change it to 'complete'. Unless you plan to expand it.
- Rework the description a bit, removing the "No Pairings" warning. We need to get to the story with only the necessary information; this could kind of spoil it given how it hints at something going on between the two (not necessarily shipping).

And now, onto the more technical stuff:

befriended by the current element of kindness bearer, Fluttershy

Pinkie Pie, the element of laughter bearer

Not wrong... but it doesn't flow as well as "current element of kindess" or "current bearer of the element of kindness".

Or that the two would often spend many an afternoon spending time at her cottage

Repetition

often with some refreshments as they talked about things

What did they talk about? Just because this is a fic to explore the interaction of Discord and Pinkie, it doesn't hurt to have a side-portion of Discord-Fluttershy character interaction.

Mane 6

I always feel like "fandom-established" nicknames of this sort don't belong in a story.

The rest of the Mane 6 were not always appreciative or, um, well... not very appreciative of his when he heard about his chocolate milk raining

A mysterious letter had puffed before her in a burst of purple smoke, well more like lilac smoke

Though it is good to have the narrator mirror some of the characters' though processes, I always expect that this sort of pause to happen when a character happens to be the narrator.

chocolate milk raining, cotton candy clouds being appreciated by someone other than Fluttershy

I don't think Fluttershy appreciates them, though... for all the trouble they seem to have caused her friends (sans Pinkie) in the past. But not necessarily wrong.

someone

Not wrong, but... you know...

but then she remember that he was helping in princess Twilight's new castle

Remembered. Also, is the 'princess' title necessary before our good old Twi? Maybe. If so, capitalize the first P.

Her second guess was Trixie, but she remembered that she promised never to return to Ponyville ever again.

We need to establish via exposition, prior to this sentence (or even in the description, methinks), a time-window for this story to be happening in. Not necessary, but I mean, we are in Season 6 and Trixie has made a comeback.

So while she was thinking about who could be

Who could be what? Who could the letter be from?

little Pound Cake and Pumpkin Cake

Not really a necessity to repeat the last names. Not necessarily wrong either.

Pinkie took a step forward and realized how hard and smooth the ground was beneath her hooves. She looked down and saw she was inside a metal tub, just big enough for her.

How did Pinkie end up inside a big tub? Not by stepping carelessly. Maybe she pronked inside it?

"Hey, who put this tub here," she asked. "Are we mashing grapes for some grape recipe?"

"No, but we can do that later if you like, Miss Pie," a voice from nowhere stated, but it sounded very familiar.

We just were told that Mr. and Mrs. Cake (and the twins) were there. No comment from them regarding the giant tub and/or an answer to Pinkie's question? None at all? Okay...
Could be worded better.

She finally noticed something out of the ordinary. A smile with a small fang sticking out to the side appeared. A magical set of sparkles rose up from the floor and from out of nowhere appeared a body to match it.

Besides the tub, that is? Hmmm... etherealized? Manifested? Came to be?

Although, in reality, everyone knows Discord is entirely mismatched.

If we--fans of the show who know who Discord is and looks like--do then there's little need to point it out.

Brilliant deduction, Pinkie Pie. Now, did I hear correctly, or do you like my cotton-candy and chocolate milk rain clouds?

Discord? Straight to the point? No mind games? None? Okay...

Discord said and a medium-sized cloud appeared over her head

But what exactly is a medium-sized cloud's length and width? I'm kidding, of course.

Best day ever!

Cute, Mr. Narrator. But detracts from the flow.

Discord caused it to receded

Receed

while a regular cloud rained regular water on her to prevent her from being sticky.

I'm not sure Pinkie would appreciate this. I mean, fur is tough to dry. My dog would say... But you could add it if you work Discord talking her into it.

Though as soon as it happened, it was over. Pinkie Pie started bouncing out the door.

:raritycry:
Jokes aside, you could add to this part, specifically. Lot's of room for building up and fleshing character interactions were missed.

She set the book down as she noticed him come in.

It's not like it's hard to notice the flash and clap of a teleportation...

Thank you, dear Fluttershy,

dear, sweet Fluttershy

Yes, he likes Flutters a lot. But would he be uttering the word "dear" when referring to her at every turn?

"Do you need any more help," she asked.

You're not a newspaper writer that wins money per word written. You can use question marks. Especially when the "she asked" becomes repetitive.

Today I learned that doing nice things for others make you feel nice to.

Too

I must look more into this.

This is a sentence I very much enjoyed in your fic. It neatly captures Discord's somewhat... confused emotions at doing a kind gesture out of kindness itself. This sentence actually speaks volumes! Great job with this one! :raritywink:

cotton candy and chocolate milk raining cloud

I don't think we need its complete name every time the cloud is mentioned.

Celestia smiled and folded up the letter neatly and placed it into her own, private filing cabinet, one where she kept only her most personal and cherished things in. She placed it neatly on a stack with a few other photos and letters before shutting the drawer up tightly.

Repetition. How about locking instead of jamming the drawer close?

And another little tidbit I could pick from it. You start a lot of sentences with "she this" or "he that". Try playing around with different sentence openers.

7678938
Thank you for proof-reading through my story, I appreciate it. I fixed all the errors up, but there's one thing I would like to point out in your notes. When Pinkie Pie realized she was standing in sa tiub, you mentioned she couldn't have just walked into it. However who'd not to say that the tub suddenly materialized around her? I can add that to this just to make sure there is no further confusion.

That was a really nice followup chapter, though it had a few typos.

"To good times and good friend," 

"friends"

The ruler if the night's

The ruler of the night's

looking strangely her elder sister.

Strangely at her older sister.

Well your highness, it's simply 

Not really a typo, but Twi's a princess too. They're on equal standing. Or is this before she broke that habit?

that ir must

It

How quickly found

How should be he.

I really enjoyed that, thanks for the mention in the A/N. Made me feel nice.

7681444
Thank you for the proof-reading my story, I appreciate it. And you're welcome for the shoutout.

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