Discord finds out about of Pinkie's enjoyment of his cotton candy, chocolate milk rain clouds, so he decides to treat her to some. Maybe he gets a lesson about friendship out of it?
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 21st Jul, 2016
- offline last seen March 11th
veronicatoon7
Lion King lover with a Fanfiction account who wanted to share some My Little Pony stories on this site. Hope you Enjoy!
veronicatoon7
Joined 21st Jul, 2016 ·
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I always did feel that Pinkie would have been more suited to reform Discord. No offense to Fluttershy, but I don't know what Celestia asked her to reform the Spirit of Chaos instead of the most chaotic pony in Ponyville, possibly Equestria.
That was really nice. A good wrapping up point for a chapter, and I noticed you left this story as incomplete? Excellent! I shall put this to my tracking and favorites immediately!!!
I excitedly await the next chapter!
Celestia needs a parade to go with that chocolate rain.
I'm confused.
Is this set before season 6, when Trixie does return to Ponyville? Or is something else up?
Warning: Extremely subjective views in a long comment! Take my words with a grain of salt.
The story is quite quick. I know it is meant to be bite-sized, but it's almost too quick. You should focus more on Pinkie-Discord interaction through dialog and better fleshing out the pre-interaction and post-interaction exposition. For example: would she be so willing to accept a gift from Discord at face value? Why would she just hug him and bounce off? I mean, we all know Pinkie is a very busy pony with all the parties and whatnot, but she could make some time for a new friend (and I guess this does qualify as Discord "officially" befriending Pinkie).
But don't add unnecessary conflicts to artificially produce intrigue.
Overall: a neat little story. Good job!
Suggestions:
- Add slice of life tag
- Change it to 'complete'. Unless you plan to expand it.
- Rework the description a bit, removing the "No Pairings" warning. We need to get to the story with only the necessary information; this could kind of spoil it given how it hints at something going on between the two (not necessarily shipping).
And now, onto the more technical stuff:
Not wrong... but it doesn't flow as well as "current element of kindess" or "current bearer of the element of kindness".
Repetition
What did they talk about? Just because this is a fic to explore the interaction of Discord and Pinkie, it doesn't hurt to have a side-portion of Discord-Fluttershy character interaction.
I always feel like "fandom-established" nicknames of this sort don't belong in a story.
Though it is good to have the narrator mirror some of the characters' though processes, I always expect that this sort of pause to happen when a character happens to be the narrator.
I don't think Fluttershy appreciates them, though... for all the trouble they seem to have caused her friends (sans Pinkie) in the past. But not necessarily wrong.
Not wrong, but... you know...
Remembered. Also, is the 'princess' title necessary before our good old Twi? Maybe. If so, capitalize the first P.
We need to establish via exposition, prior to this sentence (or even in the description, methinks), a time-window for this story to be happening in. Not necessary, but I mean, we are in Season 6 and Trixie has made a comeback.
Who could be what? Who could the letter be from?
Not really a necessity to repeat the last names. Not necessarily wrong either.
How did Pinkie end up inside a big tub? Not by stepping carelessly. Maybe she pronked inside it?
We just were told that Mr. and Mrs. Cake (and the twins) were there. No comment from them regarding the giant tub and/or an answer to Pinkie's question? None at all? Okay...
Could be worded better.
Besides the tub, that is? Hmmm... etherealized? Manifested? Came to be?
If we--fans of the show who know who Discord is and looks like--do then there's little need to point it out.
Discord? Straight to the point? No mind games? None? Okay...
But what exactly is a medium-sized cloud's length and width? I'm kidding, of course.
Cute, Mr. Narrator. But detracts from the flow.
Receed
I'm not sure Pinkie would appreciate this. I mean, fur is tough to dry. My dog would say... But you could add it if you work Discord talking her into it.
Jokes aside, you could add to this part, specifically. Lot's of room for building up and fleshing character interactions were missed.
It's not like it's hard to notice the flash and clap of a teleportation...
Yes, he likes Flutters a lot. But would he be uttering the word "dear" when referring to her at every turn?
You're not a newspaper writer that wins money per word written. You can use question marks. Especially when the "she asked" becomes repetitive.
Too
This is a sentence I very much enjoyed in your fic. It neatly captures Discord's somewhat... confused emotions at doing a kind gesture out of kindness itself. This sentence actually speaks volumes! Great job with this one!
I don't think we need its complete name every time the cloud is mentioned.
Repetition. How about locking instead of jamming the drawer close?
And another little tidbit I could pick from it. You start a lot of sentences with "she this" or "he that". Try playing around with different sentence openers.
7678938
Thank you for proof-reading through my story, I appreciate it. I fixed all the errors up, but there's one thing I would like to point out in your notes. When Pinkie Pie realized she was standing in sa tiub, you mentioned she couldn't have just walked into it. However who'd not to say that the tub suddenly materialized around her? I can add that to this just to make sure there is no further confusion.
That was a really nice followup chapter, though it had a few typos.
"friends"
The ruler of the night's
Strangely at her older sister.
Not really a typo, but Twi's a princess too. They're on equal standing. Or is this before she broke that habit?
It
How should be he.
I really enjoyed that, thanks for the mention in the A/N. Made me feel nice.
7681444
Thank you for the proof-reading my story, I appreciate it. And you're welcome for the shoutout.