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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Wow, a very sweet moment. Still life is hard back then, with the monsters, wild weather, and all. Here's hoping they stay together for a while.
Ok, I REALLY want to see a comic version of this chapter.
That was quintuple the happy feels of the Bambi movie.
For those who didn't guess the six stars in Dark Storm's cutie mark represent his six foals that died, the one left behind with her mother and the five in the plague.
7528696 I would argue that it would be more like Bambi 2
7526543
Well, crap. I thought I came up with it on my own.
What's your idea? Time travel, Discord, a previously unknown alicorn showing her the way (I think Gold Lilly is a licensed toy from Hasbro, if you want to stick with canon characters), other ponies from the other tribes merging with her and "Celestia" is just the dominant personality, or something else entirely?
Princess Gold Lily, to save you a google search.
s16-us2.ixquick.com/cgi-bin/serveimage?url=http%3A%2F%2F2.bp.blogspot.com%2F-V9NTQ2el6Tc%2FU3Er3CGzRpI%2FAAAAAAABxas%2FZ5koEu80F3g%2Fs1600%2F2.jpg&sp=9e1053661fe10b6b3eeac571e6dd0bc1
7528385 Thanks for the complement.
And, I agree that MLP feels a little under-horsed. The newest episodes feel like 'America with horses' than the medieval fantasy it started off with.
Darn proselytizing predators! ("prey")
"Prior"
"her"
"Wandered"
"You're"
This is kind of like the beginning of a game of Civilization, only with ponies.
7528758 I find it kind of amusing to go back and watch the first season, when Lauren Faust was still running things, and noting those little bits of pony behaviour that have kinda fallen by the wayside now.
7528774 Thanks for the catches, I always have trouble with [your you're]
ok i didn't read it but i listened to a fic reader read this fic and i love it. can't wait for more readings
7528812 You mean the reading from Scarlett Blade? He read from a slightly older one with a few things missing or changed.
7528774
Yeah. Remember when they'd stomp their hooves in applause rather than clunk their fore-hooves together? Or writing with their mouths, pulling dresses out of their saddlebags with their lips, eating flower decorations when nopony would sell them sandwiches... I miss that stuff!
7528832 I did go old school with this one.
7528851 That was my second favorite thing about the first chapter of Herd Life. Your characters were horses, exhibiting horsey behavior. Not just ear-swiveling, or tail hiking, but very true-to-Earth specific rituals such as the stallion nipping the mare's shoulders to draw her away from the rest of the herd so they could screw. I'm not sure how you're going to progress the story from this point onwards, but if there's one thing you need to keep consistent, it's this. THIS right here-- horse mannerisms. The fandom wades hip deep in pony-in-name-only movements and characterizations, which sucks blistered testicles in my opinion.
This bothers me, that he follows the custom of burying the dead when we've previously seen how ponies think only of short term gains. (Ponies never think of storing hay for the winter because grass was plentiful at the time. Ponies leave a lagging mare behind because 'gosh, you're slow and kinda in the way, Missy Sick Mare McGee.' Standard pony culture has the stallion completely uninvolved with mares outside of inseminating them)
Now, I'm perfectly happy if he invents this new custom for his own reasons. “I don't want to see these bones anymore,” or maybe “I did it to protect what's left of my herd-mate from scavengers, even though it's hardly a substitute for saving her and her foal's life.”
But the energy cost of digging a hole, the horror and contamination factor of putting your dead mate's bones in your mouth... it doesn't make sense to me. Not in a nomadic society that isn't at risk of getting diseased if they leave a few rotting bodies behind them, and especially not when they've shown no hint of spiritual beliefs yet.
I'm not sure if you did this on purpose, but this can be excellent culture building if you explore the other ponies' mindset a little more deeply. An article in my Anthropology 100 textbook entitled Lifeboat Ethics: Mother Love and Child Death in Northeast Brazil talk about the passive infanticide that pretty much all parents were doing in this one particular shantytown. Here's a terribly xeroxed PDF of the article
When the infant mortality rate is so high due to terrible health conditions, parents refrain from loving their children until survival becomes much more likely. “Some children are born wanting to die.” Allowing yourself to get emotionally invested in your child before the second month is literally considered insane, and friends and family will try to help parents through their mental illness.
Now, bringing it back around to your story, what do you have? A world where a few mares die here and there, but mostly it's foals who die in droves. The kind of society that environment would spawn is one where a foal isn't considered a person until later. Of course stallions won't waste time and energy getting invested. Some mares don't even.
There is one thing I'd change, though. I don't like how obvious it is that we the audience should look down on those other stallions. I'd change "But all they did was laugh at him" to "Reactions were mixed. A few stallions looked confused, not really understanding the usefulness of Storm's idea. A few stallions asked with genuine concern how long Storm had been suffering a deluded mind. Some laughed, too." I'd like it to be a difference in culture, with everyone doing more or less what they think is right.
7528385
I do too, but this was too much. It felt like the character just morphed into real horses all the sudden and took me out of it.
I know medicine hasn't really been invented yet, but it's a bad idea to give a starving
personpony large meals - they can't handle them. Frequent small meals are the way to go.And whoa, Dark Storm is a real pioneer! He's apparently invented rationing, hay, burial of the deceased, shelter, adoption... are we sure his Cutie Mark isn't for inventing civilisation?
7529112 I thought of mentioning that the usual method of dealing with their dead was to just leave them to the scavengers, While Dark found this distasteful and wanted to do something different. I was also not totally sold on the idea of his burring the bones of the mare, but since he made the trip to find her I thought he just had to do at least something.
I was trying to set a scene of a start point, where things start to develop from wild ponies to a settled community. I may have taken a few things a bit far, its hard to balance things.
I am totally for him to just leave the bones of the mare and just come back, as for burring his five children, I still want that but I'll find a spot to mention that its not normal.
As for the stallions laughing at his idea's, again that is a start point to move forward for, but I may have set it too far back, I could have some stallions actually take him up or offer and help out their mare's.
As for the storing of food, technically he needed to dry it first before storing it, otherwise it will go moldy. But that's just details.
I'll look things over and see what little changes I can do to tone it back in spots. Remember, I didn't plan to do a longer story when I started, so this second Chapter is almost like the start. I needed to set a scene of "Here we are now", then move on to a a "we are going there."
A future Chapter I plan to add a herbalist old nag who knows what plants to eat to help with things, and when unicorn are met, they will learn about writing. I've been also debating as to whether they have things like spears.
I haft to go to work now, I'll look at it tonight. You can send me private messages with tips to help me out if you want.
7529216 I knew about this but glossed over it for the story, and also, I thought it would be cute that Celestia keeps sharing food with him.
7528820 slightlly older?
7529501 If you're going to make the discovering of tools, I could see the Earth ponies inventing the first; due to the active magic of the unicorns and the pegasi's flight and mobility. However things that need high dexterity like swords or even axes would need unicorn help at first. Necessity may be the father of invention, but practicality is it's mother.
7529962
How would a hammer for an earth pony work? Equine have some serious strength behind their legs, so perhaps a stone shaped to cover and protect the frog while they strike?
7530280 Yeah, that sounds about right. The tools will fit the user. Things like tea cups with the little handles are most likely made where ever the minotaurs come from.
Edit: Now that I think of it a wedge could added to the front to make a crude ax.
7530280 Watching the show. Ponies use hammers in their mouths. But for blacksmiths, I would imagine they would clamp the haft of the hammer behind their fetlock. Many times in the show things are held this way.
7529538 What do you mean? Slightly older?
7530290 They will have spears. It would be a tool that is needed for defense, and they are not that hard to make. It can even be just a sharpened stick.
7530738 how old is this fic?
when did it get revised?
7530798 Sorry, I just got what you meant. The reading he did was from the first draft where there was several errors and a rather embarrassing part where I had spelled a word as "defiantly" instead of "definitely" and it came out really really weird, and also hilariously embarrassing. I also added and changed a few sentences to add more depth and clarity.
I won't be changing the first Chapter anymore.
It seems the ponies are slowly but surely evolving.
For example Dark Storm discovered the basics of stockpiling.
Interesting. The way this plays out is actually how biologists theorize humans became a monogamous species, with a few males getting invested in particular females and their offspring and the females encouraging this through special attention in return. This lead to more solid families caring for each other, which ultimately proved such a winning strategy that it catapulted humans to the dominant species on the planet. The pony version is cool with cutie marks starting out as rare, but being propelled into standard with the advent of the family.
I read the first part of this fic awhile ago. But didn't think much about it. Then I seen it featured so I check it out and I got to say this chapter gave me a ton of warm fuzzy feelings.
Woah there, settle down, Gentlehoof. You just had him invent monogamy, food storage and burials in less than half a chapter.
Well, it appears we've found Spoiled Milks ancestor. Holy mother of swiss cheese is she callous.
No snark this time, just forgot the quotation mark after 'tummy.'
7528774
I'm going to have to disagree... but only because you're wrong. Dark Storm is the sire of the foal in question. So Dew Flower is their, Dark Storm's and the sick mare's, foal... so it should be plural. By changing it to singular like that you have made Dark Storm essential disown his foal, which is really out of character for the guy who just got a cutie mark in being a caring father.
7728283 Well, you convinced me of the error of my changing it the first time. I changed it back to how it was when I first wrote it.
7728283 Also, I went ahead and named that mare, Petal Puff. Hope you like the name.
7529216 Haha dude I thought the same way, like reasonably in this time period he'd invent one...maybe two. But it was a little jarring for him to invent pretty much all of early civilization. Maybe his unconventional thinking caused the herd's stallions to try new things over x time would be less jarring. Also don't get me wrong still love the story!
This almost felt like the beinning of a good documentary from National Geographic. ( Chapter 1&2)
I'm already beginning to grow attached to these characters in just the second chapter. Of course, as all stories go, something terrible has to happen. ALWAYS And I'm already starting to say goodbye.
Wow, I don't read M rated stories since I find them to over inappropriate for me but this story right here is just written right and feels more like a T rated instead... I'm glad to find this story!
8289341
I'm glad you like it.
This is hitting the right buttons with me. Sort of Stone Age Equestria. This screams world building and intrigue.
Yet who is Ash going to be?
Sombra?
Discord?
Or perhaps he doesn't have a place in the future? Time will tell I 'Spose.
Double daddy!
Omg adorable!!!!
Filly Celestia is best Pony!!!!
It's all your fault!