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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Well, this only confirms that Astral is a pretty despicable being, but then again we already kinda knew that. And looks like the unicorn society isn't exactly a nice place to live in general, unless you are of the Casters ... but then again I guess things weren't all that much better for Earth ponies either unless you were part of the alpha stallion's clique, so ehh ... primitive societies, what can you do. One can only hope Celestia hurries up and ascends and wrests the control of the Sun away from the unicorns. Astral would probably have an aneurysm, and nothing of value would have been lost.
On another note, the fact that Dove heard the foal's crying from so far away is definitely not natural. I wonder what's at work here ... the foal's own magic acting out as a sorts of distress beacon? Or are there some higher forces at play, which we know exist within setting, steering events towards some specific goal? Hmm ...
On another-another note, Pebble Stream coming along worries me. Given that she seems a little bit crazy and obsessed, I wouldn't put it past her to try something stupid ...
I'd remove that second comma - the sentence is a bit awkward with it in. (Remember - the rule of thumb is to read the sentence out loud and see if it sounds right.)
7962346
To be honest, I'd be perfectly happy if Dove finding the foal isn't explained - "I heard him/her calling to me..." tickles me right in my fantasy bones.
The never is extra I think. Anyhow, yeah the unicorn's are so much more classiest then the others so far, but there are some good ponies either way. Now I wonder how the Pegasus live in total. I have to wonder if the basics of there later more militant culture are there.
I'd recommend switching the comma around to go with
instead of
Hmm. Me thinks that some unicorn foal was dumped in the North Woods.
Hem.
Hem, hem.
Grr.
Should be an 'e'
Aww, I remember when readers tried to defend Astral... I wanted to defend her skull from the sun with a sledgehammer from the beginning.
7917676 He was talking about Brilliant when he mentioned an injury during childbirth, not Dove.
to her TO look
I think the period needs to be a comma.
drag ME down
Yeah. I figured she'd use a teleport. It'd be he most convenient way for Celestia's tribe to get a hold of unicorn magic. Seems like at the rate they're going, in a couple generations they could be powerful enough to rival even these self-obsessed unicorns.
Remove the period
Dove had another miscarriage? Damn it. Although, I guess that does make her the best candidate to adopt the unicorn. The way you describe Dove being pulled makes me think there are some deities about, showing considerable favor to this tribe.
7963540
Answer. She had a condition called partial previa of her placenta. It tore when she gave birth and she hemorrhaged blood until she bled out.
7963793 Got them. Thank you.
I suspect Astral may meet a grisly fate at the hooves of her own family, at the rate she's going.
I really like the story keep up the good work
Good chapter!
The rescue party, Radiant Sunse (I'm sure we haven't seen the last of her), the foal... so much to happen!
I can't wait to read it!
Found an small error:
Should be "Meadowlark", right?
7966991 Fixed it thanks.
When it came to "Mama said" part. I had it as Meadowlark at first, and changed it to make it a more personal conversation between the two. If you or other readers think it doesn't work and should be Meadowlark. Then I will be happy to change it.
7915843 As a fellow writer, I know the sacrifices it takes to make a good story. It makes me sad everytime I have to write a sad or tragic scene. But every good author knows that characters are like geodes; to find out what they're made of, you must break them open
7967118
I suspected you used a different sentence structure first, changed it later but forgot to change this part, so I thought it was unintentionally.
My reasoning would be that the "XXX said" part is told from the neutral third person perspective, so in my opinion "mama" doesn't belong there.
A compromise would be using "Ash's mother (or mom) said".
But ultimately that is entirely up to you.
Its dangerous to go alone...
Was it necesssary that Brilliant Dawn die for the plot? I mean, even if she managed to survive Astral would have still exiled the foal.
Not complaining, just wondering out of curiosity.
8017314 She originally was going to live, but I believed it would add a unnecessary complication to the flow of the story and her death would also makes certain of Aurora's isolation and integration into Strongbuck's family. With her mother dying in bringing her into the world, Aurora can love her in a clean way.
Will that foal become a Jedi?
The first "her" should be a "to"