Gentlehoof
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Gentlehoof · 5k words · 16 0 · 322 views
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I'd definitely be interested in more of this. Maybe some early experimentation with Celestia and Ash?
7520816 Hmm... I'll think about it.
Wow, this is the most realistic story I've ever read on here. The only anthropomorphic part was the talking. Definitely original, love it!
7520915 Thanks, I just thought about what it would be like in Equestria's far past, when ponies didn't have technology and lived in herds in the wild.
Aside from the names there's barely anything (or maybe even nothing at all) MLP-related.
No mentions of cutie marks, unicorns, pegasi, earth ponies or alicorns. If you change the names (or don't know the name "Celestia" in the first place; where is Luna btw? Edit: Luna is mentioned. My bad.) no one would recognize this story for what it is supposed to be.
Don't get me wrong; it's still a nice story, in my opinion not really an MLP-based work.
7521792 Luna isn't born yet, which is revealed at the end and obvious during the whole story. And the names are very MLP-ish, actually. Idk Dark Storm and stuff like like that seems like a pretty MLP name to me.
This story is really great! The style is less porn-ish like other clopfics (And I'm hesitant to even call this a clopfic) and seems more like a narration of those documentaries on the mating habits of horses. This was really well done and pretty accurate in how they behave too. A thumbs up from me!
Remember, 's is possessive, not plural; also watch out for the your/you're trap.
7522426 Princess Maxii. Thank you for the complement, and for understanding what I was trying to do for the story. I was going for a unique angle and a fresh perspective. I'm glad you saw that.
FYI. From the moment I thought of this story to the moment I posted it, was about four hours. I found it really easy to write for some reason. I'm thinking of making a sequel. I have some idea's already but no actual story yet.
7523399
No problem. I love the creativity of it all.
Wow, four hours? That's a really short amount of time for such a great story, to be honest. I take a few days just to have a few decent couple of paragraphs haha. And If you make a sequel, you best believe I'll be reading that one too!
This was cute and all, and I liked it, but my only grip with this is that it was way too much like actual horse sex. It felt like I was watching a documentary on the Discovery Channel about horse mating. I would suggest huminizing their actions a little more and tone down the horse stuff.
I would love to see this continued though. It would be nice to see more mlp-ish stuff in it as well, like magic and other things. I think you could make a really cute story about Celestia and her little clot friend.
Not too bad. The sex didn't do much for me, but then again, this is a first chapter viewed entirely from the outside with an uncomprehending foal as the main viewpoint. Probably sensations, emotions, and more daring scenarios will pop up in future chapters. What really interests me here is the time period, before the three tribes really knew about each other. Anthropology's damn near my very favorite thing, you know?
I genuinely want to see how the three races interact, especially since everypony is starting off at the 'band' level of the society ladder. Given how long Celestia's lifespan will be, we have a perfect opportunity to watch a band grow and merge with other bands into a tribe, then a chiefdom, and eventually a nation state as population growth, stratification of classes, farming, permanent settlements, and so on change Celestia's little world.
Especially when you through magic in the mix. Imagine natural disasters happening because, one day for no reason, the sun stops moving. Imagine cutie marks appearing for the first time, probably in tandem with the development of written language as ponies come to understand the idea of symbols.
In terms of porn, I wouldn't mind watching Celestia grow up, sexual adventures all throughout. From watching more ruttings during her childhood and developing a fascination with it, to letting a scrawny colt cop his first feel when she's a bit older, to awkward teen sex, to earth pony orgy, to sex with other pony tribes (maybe offered as a sex slave or using herself as an olive branch to stop inter-tribal warfare?), to becoming an alicorn and using magic to enhance the whole thing... I dunno.
7526319 I wrote this story in a matter of hours and didn't expect to make any new chapters. But after it exploded to such a level and so many have taken an interest in it, I decided to make some new chapters and expand on this time period. I am planning to add a first contact with the other tribes, and have some friction between them. I also plan to start things like farming and tool construction a bit as they move from a hunter gather society to a settled farming community.
The next chapter will see a cutie mark event. Not saying who it will be. And about your last paragraph. I am not planning to do most of that. I'm keeping that part more simplistic. I am not turning Celestia into some inter tribal sex whore or anything.
7526362
I'd have it be a political struggle against either the unicorns as a whole (as they take control of the sun) or an individual unicorn. You could also have it so that Celestia does manage to capture the sun, but doing so fucks everything up. The world burns on one side, freezes on the other, and maybe she can't control it, so she goes to the recently discovered unicorns for help since she's seen them do magic and 'this all seems too big for her to handle,' and their combined power manage to wrangle the sun. Celestia might go into hiding after that, since she accidentally murdered a truckload of pony life.
You can have it so that magic increases and decreases on its own over the course of centuries, like the changing of the seasons. Let's call them "Magical summer," "Magical fall," "magical winter," "magical spring."
I'd set the story during "Magical Spring," and have it so that 'attention,' 'focus,' 'extreme desire,' 'strong belief' are how spells are cast. Celestia gains a powerful political office, and her subjects start to deify her. The more ponies treating her like she's something 'more than pony,' the more it shows with her powers, and she tries an experiment with herself to grow wings. Maybe she comes across artifacts from the previously wiped out technologically advanced race that lived in Equestria (such as the Tree of Harmony, or the Chrystal kingdom's tower which both act like beacons and radio-transmitters).
Magical Summer is the time period where magic is easy. Spell casting is done by pretty much everyone and it's incorporated into daily life. Demigods are born often. Most aspects of the planet are domesticated for society's use, including the weather.
Magical Fall is the time period where magic starts to weaken. Society remembers having 'powers,' but seeing real magic is rare so rituals and religion pop up to try and recapture what was lost. Magic is only possible with lots of study. This is the time of wizards.
Magical winter is the time where no magic exists at all. Society develops technology.
Magical spring, magic starts returning. This is the apocalypse. Society's technology stops working or works weirdly. Weird calamities, such as landmasses relocating. Animal bodies are not adapted to handle magic, so many die or mutate. New species (monsters) appear. People thinking 'messy thoughts' accidently spell-cast things they genuinely don't want.
7526362 Sorry about taking forever to post and how rambly it is.
7526508 Your idea of magical seasons is very Shannara like. With the war of tech vs magic.
Also there is the timeline problem. If she becomes a Alicorn and takes control of the sun from the unicorns then it will be after the Hearts Warming event. Since I wrote this story to be way before the Hearts Warming event, I kind of wrote myself into a corner. Though... I do have an idea that may solve this... hmmm.
For the meantime, I am just focused on the current time with the characters there.
Unless Celestia is the first feminist, I think you mean definitely.
And yeah, I'm enjoyed this greatly. It reminds me a lot of my old fantasy books - the Belgarion series specifically. (Though the sex there was much less explicit.)
Though from previous comments I see you have a bit of writers block. Let me throw out a bunch of plot bunnies out for you.
First, obviously, you've set up Luna's birth as the next big thing. I'd say go with that: let's see how Celestia became the doting sister she is thousands of years later.
Another interesting idea raised is the beginnings of monogomy. Sex was a big part of this chapter: how did the transition between real-life herd behaviour to the human-style relationships we see in the show happen? Was Meadowlark a trendsetter? Did Celestia and/or Luna endorse the practice after they came to power?
As for the timeline: if you are worried about needing to conform to the canon timeline, you don't. If you want to, though, the 'Journal of the Two Sisters' says that Celestia and Luna didn't have their Cutie Marks when they were made princesses. They were chosen to lead solely because they were Alicorns - the sun and moon thing came after.
As for her alicornification... Cadence and Twilight became Alicorns when they did something very powerfully magical. Twilight finished and cast Star Swirl's final spell, and Cadence overloaded a witch's love-drain spell. Maybe have Celestia/Luna jump in front of a spell-bolt or something?
I do hope you continue this. It looks really fun!
7526854 I laughed so hard, I nearly peed myself when you pointed out that spelling error! "She defiantly didn't have one of those!"'
I defiantly didn't mean to say that! ... umm bad pun?
Well thanks for the catch, I got it fixed.
7524553 It's maybe a bit weird, but I enjoy it when authors write the pones as being more horsey than they are in the show. It makes them feel less 'human-in-a-costume', while still being people, I guess?
7526508 Holy crap that magical seasons idea is cool.
If I ever wrote anything I'd totally rip that off. 
Wow, a very sweet moment. Still life is hard back then, with the monsters, wild weather, and all. Here's hoping they stay together for a while.
Ok, I REALLY want to see a comic version of this chapter.
That was quintuple the happy feels of the Bambi movie.
For those who didn't guess the six stars in Dark Storm's cutie mark represent his six foals that died, the one left behind with her mother and the five in the plague.
7528696 I would argue that it would be more like Bambi 2
7526543
Well, crap. I thought I came up with it on my own.
What's your idea? Time travel, Discord, a previously unknown alicorn showing her the way (I think Gold Lilly is a licensed toy from Hasbro, if you want to stick with canon characters), other ponies from the other tribes merging with her and "Celestia" is just the dominant personality, or something else entirely?
Princess Gold Lily, to save you a google search.
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7528385 Thanks for the complement.
And, I agree that MLP feels a little under-horsed. The newest episodes feel like 'America with horses' than the medieval fantasy it started off with.
Darn proselytizing predators! ("prey")
"Prior"
"her"
"Wandered"
"You're"
This is kind of like the beginning of a game of Civilization, only with ponies.
7528758 I find it kind of amusing to go back and watch the first season, when Lauren Faust was still running things, and noting those little bits of pony behaviour that have kinda fallen by the wayside now.
7528774 Thanks for the catches, I always have trouble with [your you're]
ok i didn't read it but i listened to a fic reader read this fic and i love it. can't wait for more readings
7528812 You mean the reading from Scarlett Blade? He read from a slightly older one with a few things missing or changed.
7528774
Yeah. Remember when they'd stomp their hooves in applause rather than clunk their fore-hooves together? Or writing with their mouths, pulling dresses out of their saddlebags with their lips, eating flower decorations when nopony would sell them sandwiches... I miss that stuff!
7528832 I did go old school with this one.
7528851 That was my second favorite thing about the first chapter of Herd Life. Your characters were horses, exhibiting horsey behavior. Not just ear-swiveling, or tail hiking, but very true-to-Earth specific rituals such as the stallion nipping the mare's shoulders to draw her away from the rest of the herd so they could screw. I'm not sure how you're going to progress the story from this point onwards, but if there's one thing you need to keep consistent, it's this. THIS right here-- horse mannerisms. The fandom wades hip deep in pony-in-name-only movements and characterizations, which sucks blistered testicles in my opinion.
This bothers me, that he follows the custom of burying the dead when we've previously seen how ponies think only of short term gains. (Ponies never think of storing hay for the winter because grass was plentiful at the time. Ponies leave a lagging mare behind because 'gosh, you're slow and kinda in the way, Missy Sick Mare McGee.' Standard pony culture has the stallion completely uninvolved with mares outside of inseminating them)
Now, I'm perfectly happy if he invents this new custom for his own reasons. “I don't want to see these bones anymore,” or maybe “I did it to protect what's left of my herd-mate from scavengers, even though it's hardly a substitute for saving her and her foal's life.”
But the energy cost of digging a hole, the horror and contamination factor of putting your dead mate's bones in your mouth... it doesn't make sense to me. Not in a nomadic society that isn't at risk of getting diseased if they leave a few rotting bodies behind them, and especially not when they've shown no hint of spiritual beliefs yet.
I'm not sure if you did this on purpose, but this can be excellent culture building if you explore the other ponies' mindset a little more deeply. An article in my Anthropology 100 textbook entitled Lifeboat Ethics: Mother Love and Child Death in Northeast Brazil talk about the passive infanticide that pretty much all parents were doing in this one particular shantytown. Here's a terribly xeroxed PDF of the article
When the infant mortality rate is so high due to terrible health conditions, parents refrain from loving their children until survival becomes much more likely. “Some children are born wanting to die.” Allowing yourself to get emotionally invested in your child before the second month is literally considered insane, and friends and family will try to help parents through their mental illness.
Now, bringing it back around to your story, what do you have? A world where a few mares die here and there, but mostly it's foals who die in droves. The kind of society that environment would spawn is one where a foal isn't considered a person until later. Of course stallions won't waste time and energy getting invested. Some mares don't even.
There is one thing I'd change, though. I don't like how obvious it is that we the audience should look down on those other stallions. I'd change "But all they did was laugh at him" to "Reactions were mixed. A few stallions looked confused, not really understanding the usefulness of Storm's idea. A few stallions asked with genuine concern how long Storm had been suffering a deluded mind. Some laughed, too." I'd like it to be a difference in culture, with everyone doing more or less what they think is right.
7528385
I do too, but this was too much. It felt like the character just morphed into real horses all the sudden and took me out of it.
I know medicine hasn't really been invented yet, but it's a bad idea to give a starving
personpony large meals - they can't handle them. Frequent small meals are the way to go.And whoa, Dark Storm is a real pioneer! He's apparently invented rationing, hay, burial of the deceased, shelter, adoption... are we sure his Cutie Mark isn't for inventing civilisation?
7529112 I thought of mentioning that the usual method of dealing with their dead was to just leave them to the scavengers, While Dark found this distasteful and wanted to do something different. I was also not totally sold on the idea of his burring the bones of the mare, but since he made the trip to find her I thought he just had to do at least something.
I was trying to set a scene of a start point, where things start to develop from wild ponies to a settled community. I may have taken a few things a bit far, its hard to balance things.
I am totally for him to just leave the bones of the mare and just come back, as for burring his five children, I still want that but I'll find a spot to mention that its not normal.
As for the stallions laughing at his idea's, again that is a start point to move forward for, but I may have set it too far back, I could have some stallions actually take him up or offer and help out their mare's.
As for the storing of food, technically he needed to dry it first before storing it, otherwise it will go moldy. But that's just details.
I'll look things over and see what little changes I can do to tone it back in spots. Remember, I didn't plan to do a longer story when I started, so this second Chapter is almost like the start. I needed to set a scene of "Here we are now", then move on to a a "we are going there."
A future Chapter I plan to add a herbalist old nag who knows what plants to eat to help with things, and when unicorn are met, they will learn about writing. I've been also debating as to whether they have things like spears.
I haft to go to work now, I'll look at it tonight. You can send me private messages with tips to help me out if you want.
7529216 I knew about this but glossed over it for the story, and also, I thought it would be cute that Celestia keeps sharing food with him.
7528820 slightlly older?
7529501 If you're going to make the discovering of tools, I could see the Earth ponies inventing the first; due to the active magic of the unicorns and the pegasi's flight and mobility. However things that need high dexterity like swords or even axes would need unicorn help at first. Necessity may be the father of invention, but practicality is it's mother.
7529962
How would a hammer for an earth pony work? Equine have some serious strength behind their legs, so perhaps a stone shaped to cover and protect the frog while they strike?
7530280 Yeah, that sounds about right. The tools will fit the user. Things like tea cups with the little handles are most likely made where ever the minotaurs come from.
Edit: Now that I think of it a wedge could added to the front to make a crude ax.
7530280 Watching the show. Ponies use hammers in their mouths. But for blacksmiths, I would imagine they would clamp the haft of the hammer behind their fetlock. Many times in the show things are held this way.
7529538 What do you mean? Slightly older?
7530290 They will have spears. It would be a tool that is needed for defense, and they are not that hard to make. It can even be just a sharpened stick.
7530738 how old is this fic?
when did it get revised?
7530798 Sorry, I just got what you meant. The reading he did was from the first draft where there was several errors and a rather embarrassing part where I had spelled a word as "defiantly" instead of "definitely" and it came out really really weird, and also hilariously embarrassing. I also added and changed a few sentences to add more depth and clarity.
I won't be changing the first Chapter anymore.
It seems the ponies are slowly but surely evolving.
For example Dark Storm discovered the basics of stockpiling.
Wait, what? What happened? Windigos haven't cropped up already, have they?
..eh. "Make Equestria great again!" is a completely different vibe to "We will no longer fear the night!". I'm not sure I like the change.
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