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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This is awesome, and I love where this is going.
7538568 Thank you.
Oh ho that was very well done. Now comes the hard part, building from here, cause winter will come faster then anyone wants.
7538581 Thank you as well. And yes, now starts the hard part.
A very realistic and feasible origin story for how early pony civilisation began. No gods or magic just people trying to survive and make a life for themselves and their families.
Best. One thing though, you shoud add something between the scene breaks, they get a bit confusing when you switch.
You're
As for the chapter... the only comment I can think of is the following, said in a really seedy voice from Dark Storm:
"I love a mare who takes charge..." -Wiggles eyebrows-
7539394 those (your you're) things keep getting me.
And hay. There's nothing like a mare stealing the herd away from everypony, to turn a stallion on!
7539337 I added something to indicate a scene shift. Lets see how this works.
I added color to indicate what pony the scene was shifting too. Yellow for Meadowlark, green for Dark Storm. Since there is no white. I will use pink for Celestia, and for Ash, since his coat is charcoal grey I'll ether go with the grey or the brown one.
Let me know if this is better.
Pretty sure you meant first.
7539816 Got it, thanks
7539828 No problem.
I'm really liking this. Reminds me a bit of the Firebringer trilogy by Meredith Ann Pierce.
Straight to business! (Kind of dark... How many stallions were killed this day? And is this day already over?)
By Celestia, what are they planning with him?? (A bit too early to use this expression, right?)
Good chapter!
I like where this is going!
A typo in the herd!
Better: "These behind me are all my daughters!" Or at least use are instead of is.
Hint: If you want to center something, use this:
Result:
***
(Far better than your spaces, especially on different screens.)
You can also create a horizontal line with [hr].
Result:
7540336 That rule to kill a pony that was found unworthy only applied to a stallion seeking to be her mate and their father, or "co-leader"
All others would just be rejected, unless they tried to force their way in.
Meadowlark let out a gasp, then groaned. "They are going to eat that colt alive."
I thought that this expression worked rather well in this time of predator and prey.
I did use
***[ /center] when I centered it, but with the color added it got messed up and thrown off center, after messing around with it I got fed up and just hit the space bar until it looked close.
7540336 "They're eating him! And then they're going to eat me! Oh my goooooooooooood!"
Well, it's pretty obvious where Celestia and Luna end up getting their natural ruler tendencies from...
7541454 You'd enjoy it, admit it!
7540398
I found a proper way for the formatting-problem:
You have to make the color-decleration inside the center-command. If you do it the other way around it gets messed up.
Also:
Consider adding this (7539815) to the author notes or somewhere easier to find. I nearly missed it and found it just after reading the story, which is kind of pointless.
But it's a good idea, if properly explained to the reader.
7542390 I already went back and worked out the whole centering thing with color. Came up with the same solution as you. Thanks.
Very good story, i like where this is going. You deserve more credits/appraisal for this story!
7545490 Thank you.
Very interesting story pretty much as early as you can get like primitive tribal humans in a way. Although are they unicorns or earth ponies as you haven't said which one in the story. I only ask as if they were unicorns (maybe they just haven't discovered magic yet) that fight would have been different with horns to use.
Still it should be interesting to see how this plays out, will they meet up with the other tribes eventually for instance. Maybe trying to build more permanent shelters and a way to defend it like simple fencing and other stuff. For some reason I can see them making something like a longhouse that native amaricans used to have.
Wonderful work, Gentlehoof!
Does this start the reign of a matriarchal society then? I love how you have advanced both the characters as well as their beginnings of becoming civilized.
7548270 They are Earth Ponies. If you reread the first chapter, and look at the part where Ash's mother is leaving with Ash after talking with Celestia mother, she said to Ash.
"Ash! What have I told you about running off?" His mother scolded him. "You could have been eaten by a monster! Now come along I want to talk to Dandelion Fluff, she's been spreading wild stories about seeing winged ponies flying in the sky, and that foolishness needs to stop." Turning the mare started to walk off, with Ash following along by her side. "I swear, its almost as ridiculous as that time Hoof Strike said he saw a pony with a horn!"
I didn't say outright that they were earth ponies but I tried to lead the reader to draw the conclusion on their own. Latter I will have the first contacts with unicorns and pegasi.
Coming very soon, I will be going into their first true shelters. I am drawing on inspiration from the African grass huts and native American structures, with a little European thrown in for good measure.
Thank you for reading my story, and hope you continue.
This chapter is the reason I got an account. I needed to shower you in praise for how well-written that confrontation is. I've been thoroughly enjoying this tale. I can't wait to see the future updates.
7558832 I second that.
This was quite a world-shaping confrontation and deserves artwork portraying the events.
7563205 Any artwork would be welcomed, and that moment when Meadowlark stole the herd would be top of my list. That, or when Celestia was molesting Ash.
an*
Handy tip: if a word starts with a consonant, then it's a job. If it starts with a vowel, it's an important job.
were
7660027 good catch. That one has been setting there for a while and no one noticed.
7539303
It is subtle but you are mistaken.
Wellspring is a goddess and she made created either a snake or the illusion of one that turned into a stick. She's just not flashy about it.