Hi. I'm Mlp Sparkle Star. Or, as my oc's name is Princess Bubblegum. I am a writer who loves My little Pony. I hope you like my stories ^^
Twilight has always dreamed of having a date. She likes to go to Canterlot and look at all the couples. But each time she does, It makes her feel lonely. Until one day, she goes to Cloudsdale for a visit, and a pegasus seems to be looking at her. She didn't mind because everypony looked at her. But when he asks her out, she doesn't know what to do!
Thanks to Tide Hunter for helping me edit the story.
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"All I can do is force ponies to love each other" - Cadence
Lol wtf XD This line is more awesome than you think hahaha
This is ridiculously rushed. Learn some pacing. The world doesn't depend on people reading a story that progresses so fast, it's damn-near whiplash inducing.
7316032 lol i decided to make it a little funny even if it's not a comedy
7316036 its just a story. calm down.
7317085 It may be "just a story," and I'd probably make the same mistake, but what you included in a single thousand-word chapter is generally what would be put in multiple beginning chapters or 3-6 thousand words as an introductory set or longer introductory chapter. Like, if you can read almost 500 words per minute like me (most people, on average, read about 250 words per minute) It goes by in a blink of an eye, and events which need at least 3,000 words to properly convey zoom past you.
She's sad about Flash Sentry not being with her, she had a dilemma about it, she wanted to ask Cadence about it, she doesn't have train tickets, shows two different solutions created by her mind which are ridiculously short and murky, it say's she's confused and then Spike enters with the mail.
Originally, what you wrote for this took 112 words. I summarized it in 52 words, and one could summarize the plot of an entire chapter of an ordinary story in about 50. Remove the two things her mind says from that, and you get 93 words. That was your first What could a decent writer do with this? Stretch it out, pace it a bit, go far more in depth than
Also, I am very confused with this wording. What does she need to get from them? With the first, anyone with half a brain could tell it means "Date the human Flash and a pony, possibly pony Flash, and it will work out perfectly," which is stupid beyond belief, and the second is "Don't date him, you can't do well in a relationship with someone in an alternate dimension," which is actually reasonable, should they ever move beyond dating and get married, because that would mean one would have to leave their dimension behind forever. How much was that little mini-rant after the question? 79 words. How long is Cadence's reply, which was very bland, disinterested, and not detailed? 44 words. Just small changes to make it more detailed/fleshed out may improve the quality and definitely make it not go by so quickly that one has to wonder "What just happened?" and allow them to get immersed in the story. Also, when most of the story is in short lines, avoid any large paragraphs like this:
That is 210 words long. One fifth of the entire chapter is this one paragraph. Were does it start, go to and through, and end in? Starts in Crystal Empire, midday, in a conversation. Then, they are in Ponyvile, with no explanation of how they got there. One assumes they took a train, but that isn't shown. Then, they're all asleep. Twilight dreams of her dating a stallion that gets in a fight with Flash over her, because reasons. Then she wakes up, and with no transitioning scene, she goes to Cloudsdale. She goes to a gift shop were somepony stares at her with a look that makes her think it's not because she's a princess. She pays for gifts for her friends, walks out, and immediately a stallion (doesn't say that they're from before, one just assumes without it being stated) jumps in front of her. THAT SUMMARY WAS 121 WORDS LONG. It's over half of the length of the paragraph, which means that you likely crammed several paragraph's worth of information into one paragraph whilst leaving out a number of details.
This entire rant is about 944 words long, nearly the length of the chapter. In it, I've pretty much said that you have a very bad sense of pacing, wrote in sentences which make little sense, put large amounts of story details in a small, concentrated area, and have left out details which relate to major events in this story.
How many words are in the Crystal Empire? 282. For one of the key events in this chapter, it's only 282 words long.
As an editor, I would pretty much have a field day on this. There are a number of sections here which make no sense, phrases and such, and a number of errs in grammar. There are so many ways people could improve this, it's ridiculous.
7317360 I'm sorry that MY story, isn't the way YOU wanted it. I'm sorry for arguing with you, but this is my story, and I can do what I want with it.
7317387 Ah, yes you can do what you want with your story. I don't blame you for being defensive and fighting what you see as an attack when it's an attempt to help with the flaws. The big problem is, you rushed your story story. You can do whatever you want with this story, I'm just pointing out what most would view as flaws, holes, and the like here. These sorts of problems that you have here which I pointed out don't often appear in most well-liked, well-received stories. I may have been a bit of an overzealous jackass, but usually, a good author listens to criticism, considers it, and then either adjust it to be better, or gives a good reason for not accepting it beyond "I do what I want, and I don't care what you, the reader, thinks of it." You want people to say nice things about your stories, but people may not want to say good things about a product which looks bad in structure and pacing, while if it's better paced, structured, and/or written, it is received better. I've not been attempting to directly attack you, but instead point out ways to improve so that this story is less likely to be attacked in the future. And improve enjoyment for the readers.
7317443 I'm sorry for going defensve on you. I'm a beginner writer and I have gotten a lot of comments on my last story about my grammar so I thought that this one might be different.
7317532 To be honest, I have, on several different occasions, called myself a Grammar Nazi. That's what I am: Someone obsessed with correct grammar, spelling, punctuation, story structure, and other things related to words.
7317557 lol thats funny.