• Member Since 1st Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen May 22nd, 2020

Magicolt808


T

Written by Askfoxxy

Spike is now a teenage Dragon. Him and Rarity have bonded over the years and have become very close to each other. One day, Spike is caught in a terrible tragedy. Rarity life in torn into pieces as her psyche crumbles and her she tilters on the brink of absolute insanity. How will she be able to cope with her distorted mind set....

Will update things as more chapters are released

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 113 )

seems familiar for some reason

well definitely interesting looking forward to the next update.

Hmmm... Seems interesting "track" I will add it to my list of decent stories

I do believe I've seen this before.

what happens to spike?!!!!! are they able to heal him?!!!!:raritycry::applecry::fluttercry:

Damn it, split between mature and tragically ended in the Sparity group folders.

I like the start, I'm hoping its the first of the two above but I suspect it's the latter.

Indent ALL paragraphs.

Nice start to this, there are problems though, like when the dragons start talking to the ponies. The situation seems rushed and leaves you disconnected. You should be able to make judgement on the characters before they act to give the reader feelings one way or the other on them. For instance, if you write a character as appearing/acting good but then they do bad things like betray you, that curve-ball gives readers a 'didn't see that coming' moment and keeps them reading. The way you wrote the situation makes you think: "since they're attacking right away, they obviously are the bad guys. A better aproach would be if you made their movements and the dialog more subtle. Giving them the appearance of a potentially dangerous stranger and leaving an undertone feeling of doubt toward their intentions for the reader(s).

I'm not saying you didn't try, you did good but, it could be better as there are other parts in this story that do the same and make this story feel rushed. Take your time to explain things(but don't bore people with the minor details either).

The next chapter decides the thumb from me.:pinkiehappy:

wait I swear this has appeared before....Did you write this?

773672 Askfoxxy and I now share this account. He submitted this but brought it over to my account when we decided this last night. So now he put it on here. You are probably from Funnyjunk aren't you?

I spotted a few typos, but nothin really big

this is interesting. I WANA SEE MOREZ :flutterrage:

773348

Thanks for all the feedback guys, next chapters coming up soon.:raritywink:

Ok i will be waiting. While i am writing it would be nice if you could read my story it is on my profile under stories. It is called Storm of the ages and a new dawn. I appreciate feedback.:coolphoto::raritystarry:

771049>>773321>>773672

it may seem familiar becaue it uses the same cover art as my story, which was featured yesterday for a bit... that might be where you saw it before. though i am sure mine and this guys story are completly differnt.

(great story btw)

774635

I had no clue dude lol, I was looking through Deviant Art pictures when I saw this picture.

Thanks! :raritywink:

774640
hey i dont own the picture, free contry right :pinkiehappy:

774644

Nice to see people like you around.

Hmmm.....
"But then, Twilight told me about a special potion Zacora could make that could give me enough energy to finish it before sundown tomorrow!"
RedBull?dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Luna_apple.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Luna_apple.png

But seriously, I demand moar.

This is amazing :raritywink: i love where this is going:heart:

..Suddenly, Spike rips off his arm! :pinkiecrazy:
Good story. I want more.

775127

Writing chapter two right now :DDD

774635 No its a joke i read this before it was published. =)

Interesting, please do keep up the good work.:raritystarry:

Little bit shorter than the last chapter. Enjoy :raritywink:

Oh noes....poor Rarity...and Spike. :raritycry:

I like what this story has going for it, but oh goodness, does it need a proofreader. This isn't quite on the "unreadable" level, but it's coming perilously close to it in places.

775768

Im waiting for Magicolt to get online

I really like this story so far. Some minor grammar and spelling mistakes but nothing to hold against you. So far I'm genuinely fond of this story. I also enjoyed the second chapter before you took it down. I can't wait see what happens and how you will continue this story.
Keep up the good work.
/)^3^(\

775893

Haha thanks.

I need Magicolt to edit it before I put it back up.

Hmmmm... Not the best intro. Very sudden with things happen, little confusing change at the begining. Doesn't help that there is no year for the dairy.
The potion thing is a real stech though, I think you should think of a better one personally. Maybe Zecora's made a dye for Rarity that she can buy?

775784
Should of waited for it being proofread before uploading it then.
Also, this reminds me of a 'Battle for Ponyville' Story... with dragons attacking Ponyville.

781010

Magic is really busy at the moment, so I dont have anyone to help me proofread. Hes going through some shit.

I'm also working on my other story right now, so chapter 3 will have to wait till after the next chapter of my other story.

-Foxxy

781052
Then why not get someone else to proofread? Not to mention a third opinion can always be useful...
I'm willing to proofread if you like.

781062

PM all the errors you see and I'll fix them.

And for the next chapter ill let you read it first.

Hows that?

-Foxxy

781134

thanks dude, youve been here since I first started it haha.


-Foxxy

yeah, you go home and get them to help you out... after you say how three of the residents of the 'little town of ponies' tore one of your groups arm of and beat the others senseless.

Oh, I hope Spikey pulls through this, for Rarity's sake as much as his.

I find a problem with the paragraph where spike was transported to the canterlot hospital, and then to the ponyville hospital. Why would they send someone who urgently needed medical attention all the way up to canterlot? Wasn't ponyville closer? Also, if he really needed to go to the canterlot one, why would they not leave him there?

784251

The machines and staff needed to treat him was only at Canterlot and as his situation dim downed and was less fatal he could be kept at ponyville.

I wonder how Rarity would react to the last bit of information?!!!:applejackconfused:

784270 Oh ok, I thought it was literally in the span of like 20 minutes. had me confuuzed

that it why you do not piss off spike he will tear your fucking arm off

please tell me that you will go with spike gets better and totally kicks their ass in awesome brawl

794700 You will have to see. Neither Foxxy nor I will share any details of the ongoing story.

-Magic

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