A Tale of Four Heroes Who Almost Saved the World

by Ironskull

A Disastrous Turn of Events

"Who are all of you?" demanded Brother Biceps. "And where am I and how did I get here?"

He looked up.

"And what in Celestia's name is that thing?"

The others looked up too and gasped. There was a giant purple crystal floating in the air in the enormous room. Streams of magic energy seems to be coming out of it and going into the walls.

"I think I know what that is!"

All eyes fell upon the magician.

"I believe that is the crystal core of the tower of liches!" she explained.

"What?" cried the paladin. "But how did we all wind up here? Was it dark magic?"

"No."

All eyes now fell upon Crom's student.

"It was these," she explained, indicating the element of valiance. "These are the elements of chivalry. Legend says that one day four ponies will wield them and use them to destroy the undead forever, proving that we are worthy to return to Equestria."

The others stared at her in shock.

"But, why have they taken us all to this place?" she continued. "I wish I knew what we need to do, but... I don't."

"I might have an idea," said the mage hesitantly. "These things have a tremendous amount of power in them. Can you feel it?" she asked everypony.

"Now that you mention it, I can," said the rogue.

"I can too," said Crom's apprentice. "But what are we supposed to do with that power?"

The mage pointed her hoof skyward, toward the crystal core.

"There's a reason that these things brought us to this place," she said. "That thing provides dark magical energy to the entire tower. If we overload it with these elements, it should destroy the entire tower and all of the phylacteries of all of the liches, destroying them permanently."

"Then we must do so at once!" cried the rogue.

"Alright, this seems simple enough," said Crom's apprentice. "Everypony. On the count of three, try to focus the power of the element at that core.

"One..."

"Two..."

Unfortunately, she never managed to utter 'three', for she was abruptly disrupted by a sudden force throwing her across the room.

"Miss Hooves!" screamed the rogue, who rushed to her side.

The remaining two ponies stared in disbelief at the newcomer who had attacked the pegasus.

There stood a giant of a stallion with a brown coat and a jet black mane that was so long and hideously unkempt that Rarity would probably faint just by looking at it. The fact that he was also an alicorn left no doubt as to his identity.

"Prince Crom!" cried Brother Biceps in disbelief.

"Have you gone completely insane!" screamed the rogue, unphased by the status of the pony that she was yelling at. "Tell us, please, what could possibly have possessed you to not only attack your own student, but also prevent the ending of the war against the undead forever?"

"I cannot allow what you are attempting to come to pass," answered Crom. "And I am prepared to do whatever it takes to stop you."

"But why?" asked the magician.

"Because, with the destruction of our enemies also comes the destruction of my purpose. Without foes to fight, I have nothing. We have nothing. It is all that we have ever known. The fight must continue."

"That's your reason for stopping us?" demanded the rogue furiously. "How can you be so- so selfish! You are the leader of all living ponies on this whole planet! They look up to you! But you do not deserve it!"

"No," answered Crom. "I don't. And I cannot allow you four to tell of what you have learned here today. Therefore, I banish you all to the dungeons below the city."

The alicorn's horn flashed and everything went pitch black.

It was strangely quiet.

"Is anypony there?" the rogue cried out.

A light emerged in the darkness, originating from the magician's horn, revealing a dusty stone room. There was no way out.

"We're all here," muttered the mage. "Minus one alicorn..."

"Ohhhhh, my head!"

"Miss Hooves!" cried the rogue in concern. "Are you alright?"

"No. I have a skull splitting headache... And I feel like I've just been stabbed in the back."

"Well, it wasn't me, despite my reputation for doing just that. You'll be fine. We'll all be fine," the rogue said, trying to reassure herself.

"We will never see the sun ever again!" cried the paladin. "Never, never, never-"

He began bashing his helmet against the stone wall in rhythm with his lamenting.

"Never, never, never, never, never!" he cried one final time as he stopped smashing into the wall.

"Wait a minute," said the magician, walking closer to the paladin. "Look!"

"What is it?" asked the paladin.

"There's a crack!"

"Huh."

"Do that again!"

"You mean bashing my head against the wall?" he asked bemusedly.

"There's another room behind that wall!" explained the magician. "Can you knock it down?"

"Of course I can! There's nothing that I can't knock down without my trusty..."

He trailed off awkwardly and looked around.

"My hammer is gone," he stated.

"So is my dagger, but the elements are not," said the rogue in realization. "Why would Crom take away our weapons and leave us with the elements of chivalry?"

"Does it matter?" asked the mage. "So, can you knock down this wall or not?"

"Stand back."

A moment later, the paladin shoulder bashed through the wall, leaving a gaping hole for the others to follow him through.

"Miss Hooves, can you walk?" asked the rogue.

"Yes, I can. I'll feel miserable whether I'm walking around or curled up on the floor... I think my vision is blurry too. I can't see a thing."

The mage stepped through the hole. "Alright, what do we have here?"

"Looks like another dead end," said the paladin. "There's something over here on the wall though. Bring the light closer."

The mage did so. She walked beside Brother Biceps and looked at the wall. There was a circular impression in it with three holes in a line on the inside.

"I'm not sure what that is," she admitted. "Hold on, what's this? There's writing above it. 'The elements are the key'..."

"What?" said the rogue in disbelief. She ran to look. Sure enough, the message above the strange symbol in the wall was exactly as the mage had said.

"I have a really bad feeling about this," said the rogue seriously. "It's almost as if somepony knew that we would be here."

"This looks like some sort of locking mechanism," said the mage. "And it would appear that the elements are the keystones."

"And do we really want to find out what it does?" countered the rogue. "Most likely, it's a trap!"

"What else can we do? Try knocking down more walls?"

"That seems like a good idea right at the moment, yes."

"Let me see your amulet."

"You want this?" asked the rogue, holding up a golden rod. "Fine. Here, take it. Just let me get far away from you before you try using it."

"I'll be needing yours too," the mage said to the paladin.

"I hope you know what you are doing," he remarked as he gave his element to her.

She started jamming the rods into the three holes.

Unfortunately, they immediately popped back out, as though pushed out by a spring.

The mage groaned in frustration.

"It's no good," she said. "We need to get them all in at once, and I can't manage it without something to hold them all together..."

She trailed off.

"Somepony bring me the last one."

The rogue carefully took the 'T' shaped element and gave it to the mage.

She examined it for a minute.

"No, no!" cried the mage in despair. "This isn't any good either! There's two holes on the top, not three! I thought for sure that meant something, but it doesn't work!"

Despite her logic telling her that it was no good, she stuck one of the rods into the 'T' piece anyway, and then the other.

She did a double take and stared at the result.

She grabbed the third rod and did something impossible.

"WHOOOOAAA-HOOOO!" she screamed, dropping the elements and backing away as though it was a poisonous snake.

"What, what!" cried the rogue. "What's wrong?"

"Don't look at it!" screamed the mage. "Don't look at it!"

"You mean the elements?" asked the rogue. She looked.

"HOLY PONYFEATHERS!" she screamed. "What is that thing?"

"What is what?" asked Crom's student. "I can't see it! What's wrong?"

"Whoaaa," remarked the paladin. "That is freaky. How did you do that? It has the three rods sticking out of it, but it's only connected in two places!"

"It's an impossible trident!" cried the mage fearfully. "It shouldn't be allowed to exist! I think my hooves might fall off if I so much as even touch it!"

"I don't understand what I'm looking at," said the rogue in a surreal tone.

"Something is warping space in a very wrong way!" explained the mage. "There must be some really, really powerful magic at work here!"

"So, can we get it into the holes?" asked the paladin. He moved toward the impossible object.

"No, don't!" cried the mage. "Let- Let me do it! I can use my magic to move it without touching it! I'm scared of what that thing will do to you if you touch it!"

"I don't see why you're so scared of it," said the paladin. "It's weird, sure, really weird, but it doesn't seem dangerous."

The mage didn't respond. She gripped the elements in her magic and lifted it into the air, half expecting them to implode. They did not do so.

She positioned the three rods over the holes in the wall and inserted them. They fit perfectly.

"Oh, thank goodness I don't have to look at that thing anymore," she said to herself.

When she started to release it, it began to pop out of place, just like before. She quickly shoved it back in.

"Hmm..."

She rotated the impossible trident and the circular chunk of wall around the three holes began to spin with it. It rotated ninety degrees before there was a clicking noise and it would move no further.

The mage carefully released her grasp on the elements. They stayed put.

"Um, you might want to look at this," said the paladin.

The mage and rogue turned around and saw that there was now a stream of strand pouring into the room from a hole in the ceiling.

"Perfect, just perfect!" cried the rogue. "I told you it was a trap! Quickly, help me figure out how to barricade it!"

"Wait!" said the mage. "It's stopped! And look! It's all clumping together and moving on it's own! It's almost as if... It's forming something..."

The ponies all watched in awe as the sand gathered together and stood up, taking form. Within seconds, they were face to face with a sand replica of Discord.

---

"You have got to be kidding me!" cried Sweetie Belle. "Seriously?"

"Seriously!" assured Discord.

"But weren't ya trapped in a statue at this point?" asked Apple Bloom.

"Yes, I was. I wasn't there in the flesh. Now, let me finish!"

---

"Ohhhhh, you have no idea how good it feels to get out and just streeeeeetch!" said the sand-Discord as it stretched it's limbs out in all directions.

"Who- and what, are you!" cried the rogue.

"Nice to meet you too. You have the pleasure of speaking to the one and only Discord, lord of chaos! I suppose you four must be the bearers of the elements of chivalry."

He stopped and looked around, assuming it was possible for him to look without eye balls.

"I was rather under the impression that there would be more of you," Discord remarked.

"More of us?" said the mage in confusion.

"Aren't there supposed to be thousands of ponies living up here?"

"Oh!" cried the mage. "You mean the legend! I'm afraid that there have been... complications..."

"What sort of complications?"

"Crom," said the rogue in disgust. "He stopped us from destroying the liches and banished us to... wherever this place is."

"I see," mused Discord. "Well, this won't do. No, not at all. The prophecy failed to be fulfilled, yet here you are. What do we do now?"

"Excuse me, Mister Discord?" said the paladin.

"Just Discord will do," answered the draconequus shaped sand clump.

"I mean no offense, but... I was expecting somepony else."

"Princess Celestia?"

"Yes."

"She's busy," said Discord simply. "You get me instead."

"Oh."

"So," said the mage. "What can we do? We're trapped down here and there is no way out!"

"That's the thing," said Discord. "You four already fulfilled your end of the bargain. The fact that everything didn't go according to plan isn't your fault. Technically, I believe you still qualify for a moving to Equestria, if you want."

"We do?" cried the rogue. "But how are we going to get there from here?"

"I can use my power to take you there, of course!" answered Discord.

"You can?"

"Yep."

"Are we alright with this?" asked the rogue, turning to her fellow ponies. "It's either this or we remain trapped here forever."

"Are you kidding?" cried the paladin. "Of course I'm alright with this! This is what my order has dreamed of for generations!"

"But how do we know we can trust him?" asked the mage, pointing toward Discord.

"You don't have a way of knowing," answered Discord. "But it's not as though you have much of a choice."

The mage sighed. "You're right. Alright, I'm in."

"What about you, Miss Hooves?" asked the rogue. "Are you okay with this?"

"Yes," answered the pegasus. "I just want to have a chance to start over and forget about this violent place. If there's anywhere where I can have that, it surely is in Equestria."

"Perfect!" cried Discord. "Unfortunately, there is one order of business that we must attend to before I send you on your way. Although the four of you have already proven that you are worthy of the elements of chivalry..."

The ponies exchanged uncertain glances with one another.

"I'm not entirely sure about that," muttered the mage.

"We must ensure that you are indeed fit for life in Equestria," Discord finished. "Not that I personally care, but I don't get out very much these days and I'd like to make sure that I stay out for as long as possible."

"So how do you determine whether we are fit to return to Equestria?" asked the Rogue.

Discord snapped and the ends of his claws exploded into specks of sand.

"That's different," he remarked, looking at his claw before shrugging and pulling himself back together.

"Now then," he continued. "You will see that I have summoned a scale."

"It's a see-saw," said the paladin in confusion. "With a... weird creature sitting on one side."

"Exactly," said Discord. "This scale is a simple test of selflessness! If you are less selfish than that shellfish, then you pass. It's really not that hard."

"Less selfish than a what?"

"Shellfish," repeated Discord. "Now, who's going first?"

The rogue volunteered first. She climbed onto the see-saw and it didn't move.

"You pass," declared Discord. "Next!"

"Miss Hooves, why don't you go next?" suggested the rogue. "If I passed, then it is not possible that you don't."

The see-saw didn't budge for her either.

"Next!"

The paladin also passed.

"Next!"

The mage climbed onto the see-saw and it immediately plummeted to the ground.

"Uh oh..." said Brother Biceps.

The mage panicked and quickly thought up a course of action.

"Discord, I was wondering..."

She took off her starry purple hat and pulled something out of it.

"Would you possibly care for a cookie?"

"A cookie?" cried Discord in delight. He snatched it and held it up to his mouth, but then stopped.

"This isn't a raisin cookie, is it?" he asked suspiciously.

"Um, no? It's chocolate chip."

"Good, good!" said Discord in delight and he threw the cookie into his mouth. The cookie broke into pieces and sank into the sand composing Discord's body.

"If you had given me a raisin cookie then you would be stuck here forever," continued Discord. "However, you gave me a chocolate chip cookie instead! How selfless of you!"

Suddenly the end of the see-saw rose up again, leaving the mage sitting above the expressionless shellfish.

"I didn't know that you mages could conjure up cookies!" said the paladin.

"Well, actually," responded the mage, "I was just keeping it under my hat."

"I know! Why didn't you tell me!"

The mage coughed and turned to Discord.

"Well, now that that is over with, can we please leave this terrible prison?"

"Alrighty then," answered Discord. "Hold onto your heads!"

He snapped and a strange tube machine appeared in his hands.

"What is that?" asked the rogue.

"It's a vacuum cleaner," answered Discord. "Say hello to Celestia for me if you get the chance."

Discord turned the machine on and collapsed in a sandy heap. The vacuum instant began sucking up all of the air in the room and everything in it. Somehow, all four ponies got pulled inside, as well as all of the sand. Once there was nothing left to suck up, the vacuum head turned on itself and sucked up its other end. More and more of it disappeared into nothingness until only the head of the vacuum was left, and then it disappeared too.

---

"And then," said Discord, "All four ponies were ejected out of thin air around my statue in Canterlot Castle's royal garden, as well as a heap of sand, much to the confusion of the gardener later that day. The four ponies went on to acclimatize themselves to life in Equestria and have lived happily ever after ever since. Mostly.

"The end!"

None of the Crusaders said anything for a moment.

"Wait a minute!" cried Scootaloo. "That's the end?"

"That's it!" said Discord. "True story. Every word."

"That can't be all! What about all of those poor ponies back on the other planet!"

"Oh, of course!" said Discord. "I almost forgot! Although they still live there to this day, who knows? Maybe one day the elements of chivalry will once again reveal themselves to four worthy ponies and they will succeed in the task that our heroes were not able to finish! But do not grieve for them, for they still yet enjoy their lives, even as dangerous as it is.

"And that," finished Discord, "is all the time I have. I have places to be now. Thank you for listening, though! You wouldn't believe how often ponies don't let me finish my stories!"

"It certainly was... intrestin'," said Apple Bloom.

"I'll see you three around!" said Discord cheerfully. He snapped his claw and vanished.

"So..." said Scootaloo slowly. "Biggest pack of lies ever."

"Yeah," agreed Sweetie Belle. "I hope he has more of them to tell us later."

Comments

[Ironskull]

You know, this hasn't received that many views right at the moment (I'm not sure that people are recognizing this for the satire it is), but a lot of people who are stopping by are giving it a like, nearly a like for every four views. Yet nobody has anything to say? Is it because nobody want's to be the first to say something when they can't even see the like count yet? Please don't let that stop you. Seriously, speak up people! I would love to see some feedback!

[A Joe in the Bush]

I personally loved the story. You're hilariously spot on for writing Discord, as you always are, and the four Heroes are brilliant! I especially loved Sweetie Drops backstabbing the invisible liches. And Trixie dealing with the 'suicidal' lich. That was beautiful. Please keep writing!

[blazikenking]

It's short, it's stupid, and I loved every moment of it.

[Ironskull]

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Thank you both. I'm pleased that you bumped me over the 10 likes I need for them to be visible. The invisibility fight thing was my favorite too. I wondered if I should have put it earlier in the story so as to grab people's attention, but I didn't want to play my best card right at the start and then have it go downhill from there. Anyway, I'm hoping people will see that this is worth their time now, lol...