• Member Since 27th Apr, 2014
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

dracone


In additon FiM I enjoy RPGs, Manga, Graphic Novels, Anime, Scifi, and Fantasy

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Snow Feather is a relatively unknown Art Restorer in Canterlot, and for the most part she likes it that way. Of course when I say in Canterlot I really mean near Canterlot, seeing as her little shop is a good trot outside the city proper. She's had no real problems, besides the occasional entitled elite trying to reprimand her for telling them they wasted their bits on a forgery and were duped by a supposed expert into believing it was the genuine article.

This version of the character was crafted for the Quill and Blade universe, which is the primary property of Anzel and Crystal Wishes. The original version is for a world I'm still working on, her story there has yet to be posted.

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 8 )

Hm... Let's see.
You said in the note that you are not much acquainted with the diary format. I don't mean to offend you, but it's clearly visible. This chapter is full of exposition that leads mostly to nowhere. I understand you wanted to get all the info (some really well-though, like the charms in her shop) off your chest at once, but this really isn't the best way. You throw all the information at the reader, and they remember just a tiny bits of it. Plus, some of the interesting facts get just mentioned, missing any serious and interesting explanation of why and how is it like that.
Sadly, your argument of Snowy (Can I call her like that?) not being experienced with diaries doesn't help much to make this original. Look up the diary stories on this site. 80% of them start just like this.

My suggestion? Save this and insert the chunks of this into the later parts. For example Snowy cleaning in her work place, unintentionally kicking over the armor. Then she explains about her father. Maybe leading to some questions like: Will he be furious when he find about *insert some damage to the armor here*?

As for the very opening, I'd go with something like:

Huff... This has been a busy day.
The door just closed behind my best customer, Fancy Pants.

Staring after him, a thought bites at the back of my brain. I tried to shoo it away many times. Yet it always comes back. It's just a silly idea, but... Well, who am I fooling? I already jotted down the first few sentences of diary. My diary. I still can't really believe that.

So... What now? Ah, I almost forget. Pardom my manners dear paper. My name is....
- some information about her, approximately about 3 - 5 sentences - As I mentioned, I'm an art restorer and I have a thing for recognizing the forged art. Just like today with Fancy Pants, he brough... but I... He's so gentle to take the bad news calmly. Most of my elite customers would make a scene, threatening...

I think you got the point.
Though keep in mind these are a mere suggestions and you always have the last word.

What I must applaud is your style and grammar, they were clear and flowed well :twilightsmile:

If you have any questions or arguments, don't be afraid to ask. Here or through PM, it's up to you.

Best regards,
Ever

7780657 Thanks for your honest input, I will try to make it more the appropriate format if I can.

It wouldn't be too hard of a stretch for sunny day to tell Princess Celestia the book would cost her 1,400 bits

8825351
True, but she wants the visit to be over and done a quickly as possible, and the princess is still technically paying more seeing as Sunny is getting four books and Celestia is only getting one.

That was a nice chapter

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