Dear Princess Celestia... Help?

by protractror

Help!

DAY 0
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I learned that not all of my friends are perfect and sometimes even the best of friends need a push in the right direction. For example, my good friend Applejack sometimes needs help from her friends. You probably already knew how generous Applejack always was, in her own words she always liked to help the ponyfolk. Apparently though that doesn't include zebras as we discovered today that Applejack was, how can I say this gently, racially-tolerant impaired. Honestly we should have known earlier with all of that zebra sense nonsense but I guess you just have to live and learn. Anyway, its all better now and I wont bore you with all the details but Zecora came and saved Applejack's life through some chaotic event of the day. Sorry, I slept in so I was a bit out of the loop. Anyway, I don't need to worry you about your subjects being racists because we all learned a valuable lesson. Never judge a book by its cover, or a ungulate by its species, because everyone is equal.

Your Faithful Student,
Twilight Sparkle.

P.S.
I know these reports are supposed to be all business, but I actually have a favour to ask you. You see, yesterday I was walking with Pinkie when she had the biggest convulsion I've ever seen! I could have sworn she was three different ponies at once! If I wasn't mistaken she was even walking on a cloud at one point. Regardless, when it ended I of course approached her to ask her if she was ok. However she just turned to me, stared at me with an odd seriousness written on her face and said that its coming.

I was obviously shocked by such a sudden personality change, and when I said as much she just said "Get used to it. The Fahnone is coming." Than she ran off yelling for me to not come after her no matter what I chased after her, but it was no use chasing Pinkie. However, I don't think she was scared of anything around her, I think she was scared of herself!I think she was scared she was going to hurt me! Now, I don't pretend to know what Pinkie Pie is thinking at any moment, but I do know that she is rarely ever wrong, especially with her "Pinkie Sense*." If you know anything about fahnone, please send it back so that we can calm Pinkie down. Thank you so much!

DAY 6
Dear Princess Celestia,

I am sorry if this note isn't as remarkably well written as my usual notes, but I have had to resort to writing with my own magic. Also, I'm sorry for using the mail system, but this is an emergency! Spike left! Spike, my baby dragon, has somehow got it in his head that its acceptable for him to go off to Canterlot for an unknown amount of time on a whim! I woke up this morning and he just left a note that said "Gone to Canterlot. I'll be back when its convenient." How can he treat this like its nothing! Spike's a baby out in the capital city all by himself! I hate to impose this on you again after my last letter, but could you please send some royal guards to tell him to come home immediately? Tell him I learned just how much his friendship means to me and I miss him. And worry for him.

Your faithful if frustrated student,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S
Have you made any headway on what fahnone is? I would really appreciate it if you have found really anything. Pinkie's barricaded herself in her room, and as much as I hope that its only her dresser stopping me from coming in, I'm starting to hear a welding iron from behind her doors. She really does think that she's going to hurt us somehow!

Also, I had the oddest conversation with the mail-mare today. We were both talking about how much we were worried about Pinkie when I mentioned fahnone. Strangely she just sighed and told to me to watch out for that stuff because "it can get pretty weird". Than she flew into a tree! I swear I almost don't blame kids for calling her Derpy. Anyway, I'm rambling but I'm just so stressed out right now. I wish Spike was here.Alast worrying will get me nowhere. No one else is worrying anyway, Applejack even seemed strangely happy about it. Anyway, please respond asap.

DAY 14
Dear Princess Celestia,

The most horrific of events has happened. Rainbow Dash has not only broken both her wings, but it happened in an apparent suicide attempt! We had no idea she was suicidal, there were no warning signs! In fact you could say the whole event was completely out of character. Apparently she was distraught because she didn't make the wonderbolts, but that couldn't be all, right? Anyway, I'm just writing to say that I probably wont have too many lessons in friendship in the next few days, because I'm not really seeing the magic right now and...

Can I talk on a more personal level Celestia? I really need a reply from our previous letters. Pinkie is starting to get to me, and I'm starting to think that her paranoia might be the right course of action. First Spike leaving, now Rainbow is killing herself, everything is changing so fast and for no reason! But do you know what really scares me Princess? When I told Pinkie Pie from behind her barrier, she wasn't surprised at all! She was sorry of course, and she was very sympathetic but she was completely level headed. Does this mean that Fahnone and all of this recent craziness is all linked together? I just don't know anymore. Anyway, I have to go for my shift to cheer up Rainbow Dash. Sorry if this letter is so emotional, but I really need your guidance here. So if you could, please just send me a letter? Tell me its all going to be better in the morning?

Your Forever Faithful, if scared, Student,
Twilight Sparkle

DAY 25
Dear Princess Celestia,

Are you there? Its me Twilight Sparkle. That was an inside joke for me, but forgive me if I am beginning to treat this like a journal. You haven't replied to me in a month, and I have been very clear in the urgency of the issue. I'm starting to hope Derpy is just throwing my letters into a pond, but she isn't like that. She gets the job done, and it seems like she's the only thing staying the same around here. Anyway, things have only gotten worse in Ponyville. Honestly the only positive thing I can see is that Rainbow Dash has gotten discharged from the hospital. I thought everything was going to get back to normal, but now its just weird. Applejack has been spending a lot of time at my place recently, which I thought was to compensate for the time she would usually spend with Rainbow Dash. NOPE. She asked me out today! Actually, she kissed me on the lips without asking.That's pretty forward, right? I'm not over reacting am I? I mean, even if a stallion thought that I was in love with him I would be offended, but Applejack was apparently convinced that not only was I in love with her, but that I was also a lesbian? Do I give off that type of vibe? I mean, of course there's nothing wrong with that but the statistical probability of me being a lesbian is way too low to just assume!

I'm starting to think that it isn't just Applejack though. I mean suddenly there is just a wave of lust sweeping through Ponyville. I can't walk down the street without getting my flank checked out like its a hot new library book. Berry Punch winked at me, Lyra gave me a growl when she got her new book, which has a title I don't feel comfortable repeating and even Cheerilee asked me to go clubbing with her tonight. CHEERILEE! In fact the only pony I saw today who didn't hit on me was Big Mac. Honestly, if there is something about me that is screaming lesbian, please tell me.

Anyway, I had to let Applejack down easy. I think she took it OK, but honestly I was still pretty flabbergasted at that point. Pinkie has finally stopped talking to me, apparently she doesn't know how much longer she is going to be sane. There's a joke in there somewhere but I don't feel like it. Oh, and Fluttershy and Rarity have stopped talking. It was subtle at first, but they just appear at group settings and don't say anything. Its funny, this would usually be freaking me out, but I am just so tired right now that it just sort of blends. Its just so subtle, but they don't really have anything important to do anymore so I don't even notice sometimes.

Please write me back Celestia. Nothing makes sense anymore and I am really getting scared. If something really is capable of changing my friends' personalities, what if it gets me? Will I even know? If I do, will I care?

Your Faithful Student,
Twilight

DAY 32
Dear Princess Celestia,

Once again I am sorry to have to write to you in such horrible hand writing, but I can't trust my horn anymore. Everything I do fails catastrophically and I don't throw that word around lightly. I tried to levitate my dinner over to me today for example, and its now in the stratosphere. Applejack wont let me near Winona after i tried to get her leash on and she turned into a man. And Carousel Boutique is now in another dimension. Rarity didn't have anything to say about it, but I don't know if it was from rage or whatever is going on. Everything is spiraling out of control at an exponential rate down here and honestly its unavoidable.

Even once I stopped using my horn, nothing is how it should be. You know how I said Applejack took my rejection OK? She jumped off her roof. But if you think thats tragic, the only bone she broke was the one that let her lassoe. When I told her this she tried to jump again. Its funny now, looking back on it how tragedy grows into farce after a while. I guess something can only get so sad. Well I guess that means I'm in for a real gutbuster.

I still haven't heard from Pinkie Pie in a week. Well, thats not exactly true, I have heard her drilling from within Sugar Cube Corner. Whether she's going down or coming back up I have no idea. Does it make me a bad pony to wish she was drilling lower? She was really starting to freak me out near the end. Rarrity and Fluttershy have been drifting like ghosts for the past few days.I think Rainbow Dash is currently in five different relationships? I honestly have lost track after she got together with Trixie. Who's back by the way.

Sorry, I'm rambling again. I hope its still coherent enough that you think I'm sane. Please, don't think I'm crazy like them because I'm still the same old Twilight Sparkle, just like always! And if you stop believing in me, than I'll stop believing your still ok, and than I don't know what I'd do. I can't be alone here.

Well, I guess there is always Applejack...

Your Extremely Faithful Student,
Twlight Sparkle.

DAY 33
Dear Princess Celestia,

Everything is alright again! I am so sorry for all of those dreadful letters I sent, but as I bet you could tell I was just so worried back than. But everything is fine now, and I think I know why I was so off. I'm a lesbian myself! Who knew eh? I certainly didn't, but the deep repression of my own needs must have made me have a deep paranoia. It's funny, I just sort of woke up today and I was a lesbian and everything made sense. I didn't care about Spike's absence, I don't know what nonsense I was saying about Rarity and Fluttershy and everypony seems completely fine. Best of all, Pinkie is back!

I actually saw her today when I was on my first date with Applejack, who has surprsingly stopped caring about her rodeo career. Actually, that makes perfect sense, silly me! Anyway, me and Pinkie had a great laugh about how ridiclous we'd been in the past few weeks and vowed to stop worrying about stupid things like that. In fact Pinkie even invited me over for some cupcakes! I had to decline, you know how it is with the old ball and chain, but she didn't seem to mind. She went off to find Rainbow Dash instead. I really hope those two get together, they would make such a perfect couple. Its only natural.

So I guess since everything is back to norma nowl I should try and do one of my friendship reports, so here it goes. Today I learned that its sometimes best to go with the flow. You can either be a salmon or lilly in life. A lilly will follow the stream right to an idyllic pond just by letting go of all control in its life. A salmon on the other hand will try with all of its might to fight the current swimming upstream, probably to just get eaten by a bear or something (I never really studied fish). These past few weeks I tried to fight everyone around me, even myself and all I got out of it was fear. But today, I am embracing my brave new world and looking forward too everything that comes along with it.

Your Faithful Student,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S.
The only thing i don't understand from all of this nonsense is why you haven't been able to reply in the past month! When you can please fill me in. I now know that this stupid fahnone has nothing to do with it, but I still would love to know.

DAY 34
Dear Twilight Sparkle,

I am so glad that you have finally came out! You were giving off some signs, but I decided not to say anything because I knew Applejack would eventually make her move. Sorry to dissapoint you but I have no reason for not replying other than being extremely busy. However I hope I can make it up to you with a week long visit next week! Tell all your friends because I am just completely dying to meet them for some quality time.

Anyway, I do know about fanon. Its an old mare's tale and I'm glad you and Pinkamina figured that out by yourself. I mean, fanon is said to change everything and twist it like a carnival mirror. However I haven't changed, and everything in Ponyville seems to have changed for the better so just forget about silly old fanon. In fact, I could even have a personal lesson with you on the myth's origin if you'd like. Ohh, there is so much we can do when I come to Ponyville, you will need at least four checklists.

Spike's fine by the way. He and the Cutie Mark Crusaders are going to be in my castle for a little while. I'd fill you in on why, but its not really Important.

Your loving Teacher,
Princess Mo-Celestia

Comments

[PegaSister]

Wut?
Humorous, but I didn't really catch on.

[Wireless]

Pretty clever, in a meta sort of way.

[TDR]

Hmm the story was fair , just, and clever,.....

or maybe just fairly clever....

[Zobeid]

This is hilarious!

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

Fairly meta, this.

[DiStort]

I... I don't...
Um...
It was good, I guess?

[BlueEricsson]

Very very funny, fo' strs

[dzamie]

Moar!

[SteampunkBrony]

... that last line... they're all screwed... litterally.

[protractror]

Or its a typo... ( Cue Horrible ambiguity!)

[Festus]

Okay, not bad for starters. I like the concept, what would happen if fanon took over canon. I don't really get the Fluttershy and Rarity thing, care to explain? Everything else is fine, by the way. So... you referenced cupcakes, eh? Not bad, but still creepy. Very... very creepy.

[protractror]

39892
I had a feeling I was going off into my own little problems with the fluttershy Rarity stuff. Basically, I find a lot of sotries will be basically about 2-3 ponies, but have plots that need everypony to make sense. Since you can't always ship them on a bus like spike they usually just nod their head in group settings and don't say anything. I tried to replicate that here, but it isn't as big as a trope, so yeah.

Also, yeah... cupcakes. I usually hate that stuff with a passion as I think it really steals way too much focus from how awesome Pinkie can truly be. However, Pinkamina and too a lesser degree Molestia are parts of the fanon just like everything else sadly so I had to reference them, luckily not write about them. But I tried to keep it ambiguous so feel free to imagine everything is just a big coincidence!

...Well when you put it THAT way...

Actually, you aren't the first person to do this. There was some short lived meme a while back... "Scoot 2.0 is coming for you" or something... Basically the idea was that all of the fanon and fanfiction that the bronies were building up was bleeding into the canon universe and causing changes in personality, and whenever someone wrote a fanfiction, the ponies involved would act upon it. This meant that Pinkie tried to kill Rainbow Dash (unsuccessfully in this fic) and Fluttershy turned into a tree, and apparently someone wrote a Scootabuse fic where Rainbow pushed Scootaloo off a cloud, killing her. The result was Celestia bringing her back to life with robotic enhancements and sending her to the human world where she stopped people from changing their world at any cost...

Scoot 2.0 quickly became a meme for whenever someone wrote a fic or made art that was blatantly offensive, gory, or sexual.

[nemryn]

39967 I got the Fluttershy / Rarity, thing, at least!

[CDR]

Is
So
Meta
Even
This
Acclamation

I got that from some place called xkcd, (I'm sure I botched the name), and I'm sure I didn't use all the original words, (sorry, couldnt remember them).

[protractror]

I've actually been trying to remember that line from xkcd too.

[Owndapwn]

This made my brain hurt.

This scared the s*** out of me and its really messed up how most of this wasnt original

[sgtnolisten]

The Pinkie segments made me uncomfortable.

However, I did laugh uproarously at multiple parts, especially Mo- I mean, Celestia.

[sgtnolisten]

Actually, now that I think about it, what WAS Celestia so busy with?

[Krenshaw]

Oh god. Imagine a crossover between olestia and Cupcakes. HOLY SHIT CELETSTIA WOULD CUT UP HER VICTIM WHILE RAPING AND EATING THEM AT THE SAME TIME

[Alpha Scorpii]

I like the idea of telling the story through letters, it was very interesting.

As for the story itself, weird but fun.

[Rakaziel]

That was Lovecraftian I loved it!

[waffle911]

From this I can definitely see how much you improved by the time you wrote The Brightest Timeline. This… Perhaps my biggest problem with this is that it didn't feel like Twilight, nor the way she would compose letters to the Princess, in spite of the obviously ridiculous circumstances. In The Brightest Timeline, despite the situation being rather outside anything we would see from the show, everypony felt right, like the characters would actually behave the way they did under that premise and those circumstances. I give this one a thumbs down, because to give it a thumbs up would be an insult to the amount of progress you made as a writer since this was written.