Okay

by Michael Hudson

It's Nothing

I turn to the friends beside me as they laughed. It’s a normal scene for us. The two of them are laughing, happier than they ever could be by themselves, recounting some joke they heard that I just don’t get. Instead, I simply take another bite of my hayburger, and chuckle a little as a reaction to their laughter.

Rainbow, one of the closest people to me in all of Equestria turns my way, a huge grin on her face. “So, you ready to watch the movie, Flutters?”

I pause. I know she wants to, even if Pinkie has been on the fence about re-watching it this whole time. She doesn’t have to care though, not when our other friends are still willing to go. I’m not even brave enough to simply say no, but I do feel I need to try. “Well, I thought we might go back to my place and play some board games. Just relax and have fun.”

“Ugh.” Rainbow flops over the table, her breath blowing the napkins off the table. It’s not unusual of course. While talking about what she wants to, she can show all the energy she wants to. Whenever we break from those plans though, we get, “I’m tired Flutters, and just want to relax. Besides, don’t you love movies like Concussion as much as we do?”

Oh yes, I definitely like this type of movie. It can be interesting to see the action scenes and whatever sort of emotion they put into the plot, but she knows it’s never going to be a genre I love. Using that word simply makes it harder for me to say no to. I have to defend my like of others, or war against her want for popcorn, and it can all be so tiring. At least there could be a silver lining. “Do you think we could play games afterwards?”

Rainbow grinned as she took a sip of her drink. “Of course! I might have a few chores I want to take care of, but those can wait.”

======+++++======

“Sweet Celestia that was an awesome movie!”

Pinkie nods as I smile somewhat. It wasn’t bad, but not awesome or anything like that. It was just… good, though, if I were to be fair, I wasn’t in the sort of mood to give it a fair review. I wanted to play, do the things I never can with my friends, the things that make me feel like I’m not just in a cocoon. Fortunately, there were still hours to the day, and plenty of games to play. “So, Rainbow Dash, what game might you want to play when we get to my place? Maybe some Changelings, or a rousing match of Buck?”

Rainbow froze in the air at the reminder, and my heart sinks to my hooves. I know what’s coming. Sure, sometimes our hopes line up easily, but more often, I get, “I don’t know Flutters. I have a lot of things to do at home, and don’t you think it’s getting late?”

Pinkie looks up to Rainbow, and my heart pleads for her to remember our little sideboards when I have sought her comfort. Just a few lines about these moments with that which is supposed to be the thing closest to me. Rainbow instead keeps pushing me away though, forcing me to hope.

Fortunately, my hopes are delivered to me as Pinkie states, “Now Rainbow, we watched your movie. Are you really going to leave our dear friend Fluttershy out to dry like this? That’s not very nice!”

Rainbow breathes out heavily, but my hopes raise as she smiles. Might today be the day? It had been so long since we had been able to play anything together, that the simple news would make me move on. Rainbow looks to me and nods. “Alright, but we’re playing Buck, got it?”

I nod, as I don’t care how tired I’ve gotten of Rainbow’s favorite game. I only care that we do it together.

======+++++======

“Ugh, I am so tired now. Why did you let me do this?”

I take a deep breath in, my hooves shaking with anger at this point, even as the rest of me shows nothing. She complained during the entirety of the game, about one thing or another, even when she was winning. I knew I shouldn’t have had any issues with it, as I know she can be competitive, but for her to start groaning at the game I let her play because I knew she would enjoy it.... And now she was tired.

She was always tired, wasn’t she? That’s why she never did the dishes, as I did now while listening to her bitch again. Just going on and on about how much stress the adventure put her under, or how much it ‘sucked’. It was just like any other time we got to this point. It started out fun, amazing even. I knew why I loved hanging out with her, being with her, but it didn’t take long.

It never took long. It never took her long, unless she was dragging me. Do you want to talk? Let’s talk about the Wonderbolts! Do you want to hang out with friends and do literally everything I want to, when I want to? That sounds absolutely fantastic. Of course, I could never say this to her face, no matter how much I wanted to just scream in her face how much she sucked, and that if she hated all of this so much, she should just leave me alone, or grow up and be a real mare, or just do something useful and kind for me once instead of always just taking my help like I’m some fucking charit-

Crash!

I look down to the cup on the ground. It not only fell, it was slammed down, shattering into a hundred little pieces, of which, many were now at the bottoms of my hooves. I look back up as I hear them, Pinkie and Rainbow. They’re concerned, wanting to know if something may have happened. I know what happened of course. I know what caused it even.

But I can’t.

If I did, it would make Rainbow hate me, right before she made me hate myself. She wouldn’t listen to the critique, but instead lash out and call me an idiot, all while Pinkie has to watch, probably trying to joke, or say nothing. No, I didn’t want that. I never wanted that, and never had quite enough strength to want that.

So I didn’t, and said what I always did to Rainbow when she asked me something.

“I’m okay.”

Comments

[PhycoKrusk]

I'm glad Fluttershy's ok.

But what about you?

[Michael Hudson]

6805513 Foals made a fic once that was made in a time of darkness for her, and I could not be happier to have encouraged her to seek the help of others. I made one maybe a week later, but it wasn't the same. It was just because I thought I could channel my depression, but I couldn't.

This came after almost crying in my shower and wanting to punch a hole through my wall. My day was rough mentally. But hey, I do think this helped, and there is a reason why it's far more melancholic than tragic like Foal's was.

[Tenth]

6805522
Well, I'm glad this helped you. I've seen my friend have the same emotions recently, might have to suggest he do something like this. But as I said, I'm glad to here this helped you. I'm not sure how PhycoKrusk knew could tell, but I supposed it's because It was pretty late. Or something else, I dunno.

[Sketchy_Draws-Writes]

This reminds me of myself. Wanting to say so many things but not wanting to face any repercussions. Always doing what everyone else is. Being dragged along on things I couldn't care about in the first place. Doing and seeing things that I hated. Getting sick and tired of other people's complaints. I try to have a "good" time...but in the end I'm always so close to breaking. And it's always the same words that I spit from my mouth with no further context to.

"I'm fine" "I'm okay" "I'm good"

Each one of these are lies. I have an amazing life, awesome friends, and yet inside I'm dying. No one cares about t except my friends. Only they see my problems.

[mtf0330]

I want so much to just hug her and listen to her and help her and be with her and do what she wants and to make her feel like everything really WAS okay. . .

[EchoWing]

I want to give Fluttershy a sympathetic hug.

[Catalysts Cradle]

Great story. It captures some real emotion, and at the same time gets the characters right. It's not hard to imagine Rainbow inadvertently being such a bad friend to Fluttershy, and Fluttershy being too nice to call her out about it. If only the story didn't stop before it could come to some resolution.

[BellChime]

Poor, poor Fluttershy...Good job. This story is sad and wistful, but very nicely done. Thank you.

[Michael Hudson]

7806456 Thank you. In fact, looking back at the comments, I have to chuckle, as at the time I should have said "Can I take that hug?" as this was my true entry into the "FImfic authors coming out with self insert depression" stories. Now if only I could say that I was aaaaaaall better.

But yeah, these stories are a blast for me to write, even if they aren't just analogues for me. Partially saying that so you don't think all my sad fics are that sort of thing. No, sometimes I just like to do mean things to ponies...