Had a lovely chat with my lil bronies the night after their grumpy party. When I heard the kids whom they called friends got hammered by pony and disappeared, off to get the needles they went...Med results didn't look too hot to my favor. And with two missing reports shown up on the earliest of the dawn, I went digging for the lost kids.
Fell through some hole in Dryad's chamber and got stuffed into a big hi-tech pony costume, at least, that's what I've been telling myself for whatever reason.
I'm so damn tired...It's not often I get the bombshell treatment along with loads of cryptic crap shoved in my bum. Human world is connected to this joint somehow and the only way back is to search for the exit itself.
Brony logic, can it be applied here though? That's the biggest question mark I have to put up with every second in this friendish pony hell.
well this is stating to be an interesting story so far; I am looking forward to see more of this in the near future. I wander what is the big secret about children going into Equestria and what is the link with the foalnap foal. I am not sure if I understood why did that guy divided to find out if any of what their younger sibling said was true or not, and why he was gaged and hooded in a cell. Still I'm looking forward to see more of this, their is an heir of mystery to it that is interesting.
6615275 Thank you for your kind words. Also about the part why he decided to set off to find Twilight's library is because he believed the kids had been hit by some type of a new psychedelic flora which'd caused them to hallucinate their adventure together. And with his family to look after his brothers when they were hospitalized, Hawk set out to search for that unusual plant as well as...you know, hoping to find the corpses of Jake and Colin in case the worst thing had happened like he imagined. I think I'll add the part about the doctors not being able to seek the source of the LSD trip to give him a solid reason to reach the truth. Thanks again.
hmm...
normal dude surrounded by bronies, gets ponified and sees the error of his ways or no wait he just gets stuck in ponyland because of a huge mistake and has no error in his ways so stop trying to be friends with him you dumb ponies!!
I could see this story going in a more pleasant direction. At least it's well written and has potential. Not contrived either in the kids' fantasies, or in the protagonist's disbelief. The protagonist is genuinely identifiable with his self doubt and generosity and jadedness too, not just a cookie cutter bro. Have to say the deciding factor here is probably going to be where the plot goes.
Woah, this chapter seriously needs a rewrite...
It reads like the notes I make when planning to write a chapter. So I have those notes, then I describe the scene in which these snippets are occurring, and what the characters are doing and thinking, and tie them together in a logical progression that doesn't have so many horizontal rules in it. I describe stuff in more detail like "Twilight Sparkle home, surrounded by mists and cats, looking good as well as bizarre," is the guideline for the 3 or 4 paragraphs I spend describing his crazed discovery in explicit detail with lots of hints for what's really going on. "No time to stop and admire what dame I've possessed." I'd write, after stopping and spending a lot of time admiring what dame he's uh... "possessed" describing what he means by possession, exactly what he feels like, and how he knows he's a dame if he/she ain't got anything below the belt. Not to the point of the readers thinking it's ridiculous, but just because he's in a hurry doesn't mean the readers need to be.
This chapter's better. Still undecided on the story though. Intriguing that they've got a transformed pony, and native foals.
6624965 Thanks, I'm giving it another shot.
6624981 For plot's convenience actually
-Don't you see it weird that a criminal use such fancy aircraft to travel under the watchful eyes of Pegasus and Princess Luna? Either it's legal on the surface or there is some special partnership going on, Hawk wouldn't bet too much on the second considering he's going to bring himself to her.
-He'll need intels and facts from the local to base the courses of action as he knows he only got one shot at it so having a friends on Equestria is the first step to deal with living on the cartoon world.
Of course, now that I couldn't ignore the reader's feeling anymore could I?
Gotta work more on describing things.
6625902
It's awesome when you can please your readers, but don't bend over backwards for me. Write stuff because you want it to be written, not because someone complained about it. I'm just offering suggestions I hope will help you do that better.
6626577 That's very kind of you. I believed I have made a grave mistake to stroll through the story with Hawk's rough attitude. I need to bring myself into it as well.
It's very hard to portray a character when I just try to focus everything into them and forget about the presentation, it's only thanks to your words that I've came to realise that and I'd better be ready to describe blood and guts well because I have put the Gore tag in there, cannot leave that for show.
That is
Deactivated... cells wut?
Humbles? Turns you mean? Hisses? You mean sniffs?
By... talking? huh?
6632034
I was trying to find the word to describe the expression of getting annoyed because she doesn't have his attention, usually a hot headed one would be more than that and...looks like I misused the word "humble". And hissing is like a sassy breath going through one's nose instead of their mouth like after eating chili pepper when you stick out your tongue.
Ah yes, those cells are actually dead cells infected with the 2 man-made chemicals. What I mean to say is that the transformation kills the lasting effect and leave them into restoration system of the human body to get rejected.
Everyone is curious by his statement and they might gonna speak up altogether just like last time, loud and bothersome right? So to save the trouble, he tells them to let him finish. At that point, the foals were still in the dark about the accident. They only needs to know that they made up their friendship in the end to trigger their memories back.
My sense of humor is just weird like that sometimes.
6632262
Eh... "hmph" is the closest word for that, as far as I know. (hmph is not a real word, but the meaning gets to most people.) But "sniff" is historically what's used for turning your nose up and stalking away in a huff. I dunno when people expressing that stopped inhaling, and started exhaling. Maybe within at least the last century or so?
Your sense of humor is fine, but it's "by the second" not "by the seconds." If, by the way, you want to write your stuff by the book, then by Jove, whenever you use "by the" it is going to be singular, not plural.
Then write in your story that she is afraid that the foals are all going to start speaking up all together, just like last time.
Like:
6632338 Thank you.
I swear sometimes I just let the door open for the most obvious thing to slip through my mind.
why does it seem to me like this fic would be a fim x undertale crossover? lol.....
Good chapter but their wasn't much happening in the story so far. So, if I understand it correctly the foals are native equestrian right?
6637029 You tell me, I don't know
6637099 Correct.
This chapter is intended to break the anxiety of the foals. Children's psych are usually frail in disaster but they're also quick to respond to jolly experience so I thought it might be a good idea for Hawk to calm them down using that method.
Did it work out like I had planned it to though? Care to share your thought?
Two kids tell a weird tale that cannot be rationally explained. Questioning them separately would give similar stories. They display unusual reaction to psychoactive drugs. The first conclusion a medic would jump to, is that they've been drugged and subjected to a suggestion. Probably more than once. Police would try to squeeze as much as possible out of their alleged hallucinations, search the place they describe and question people they mention. Their parents (and possibly elder sibling) will have to answer many questions too, and the last real place where the missing children were seen -- the lake -- would be combed by police.
You need a real good explanation why this didn't happen.
6638730
Hate to admit it but you are right. Good observation!
No harmful effect with nothing to explain, not to mention with a Equestrian Girl's fanfiction to tell. I wouldn't listen to this with a straight face. Hawk mentioned at one point that he got laughed at just for saying the word "pony"...Heartless.
And no, Ether and Fentanyl are both synthetic(it means they do not existed by nature so once again no reason to search the whole lake) for medical anesthetic and not in anyway intended to be causing major psychoactive effect unless overdosed, they sometimes do cause mental exhaustion though which has been proven failed at the prologue seeing how the kids were acting fine at the party.
Of course they were drugged but appearently with nothing serious considering the doctors only find faint traces of anesthesia. Chances are, most people would come to the conclusion that some street punk decided to taunt the kids into sniffing whatever inside his coat and they were mentally unstable first to begin with instead of throwing accusation at whatever came out of their mouth.
Well, feel free to correct me if I mess something up. As for the witnesses and the missing kids along with the secret...You shall know more in the future. I couldn't risk spoiling it yet.
6638904 High resistance to common anaesthetics is a common symptom of prolonged consumption of narcotics. If children exhibit something like that and talk about strange things, this should cause suspicion and is likely to be investigated. This is what I meant.
6638983 Years of reading Detective Conan might have been all for naught? (Pretty good manga btw!! Read it if you have the time)
I'll make sure it got into the story.
I didn't have that in mind when I wrote the chapter, just assuming both of those chemical were rendered useless at that point.
Not long ago you told me about psychoactive drug and extended doses of narcotic could drive a person insane. Good point!! The thought of kid using drugs at that age certainly would raise a question. Thanks for pointing that out!
You know what? I'm going to add the part where the doctors also try to test their resistance too, you okay with that?
Well...Since you seem to be bashing on the beloved LuLu...the red bar is gaining territories...
no escape for you if you keep getting side tracked...
6673855 That would suck alright. I'm more of a trash talk type of guy, bashing sounds too heavy for me. Don't plan to anyway, one hell of a hassle to find the right awfulness. Does my writing strike you as such?
6674165 I'm not awake enough right now to comment on that...still sleepy...
Well what happen to the crew of the ship? it can't steer itself as far as i can imagine. unless it was hijacked. how big is the ship anyway?
6691154 In due time, my friend. In due time...which, I'm planning to put my answer on the next chapter.
How big is it? Maybe about this size.
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