Sweetie Belle only wanted to have a picnic on a lovely Sunday morning. One thing leads to another, and she is suddenly caught in the middle of a war between goblins and fairies.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 10th May, 2012
- offline last seen May 6th
Matthew Penn
I write imaginary stories about cartoon horses.
Matthew Penn
Joined 10th May, 2012 ·
Offline
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Okay so to start off, Ill say I liked the premise of your story. It plays on the classical "looks can be deceiving" and "false legends" archetypes. However, it doesn't do either very well Im sorry to say. You reveal very early on that something is amiss with the fairies due to their sharp teeth and swarming Sweetie, and yet you dont go anywhere with that until the end. Sweetie should have been very apprehensive and should have known in that first moment that fairies are not what she believed they were. She should have been logical enough to reason that the fairies were no good, and refused to help them.
Secondly, like I said earlier, you revealed that there was something wrong with them, but Sweetie didn't dwell on that at all after the Queen apologized, which Sweetie should have. Only in the end did Sweetie realize what she had done wrong after it was blatantly obvious. Sweetie is a bonehead sometimes, but you're dumbing down the thought process of these characters in order for the plot to work, which is not okay.
Not only that, but the whole "bear saves the day" at the end more or less is already an extremely contrived "seemingly unimportant character is actually vital to the story" example, but the bear comes literally out of nowhere in the beginning for no reason whatsoever, and does the same at the end. Its just bad writing.
Thirdly, you wrote Sweetie Belle extremely OOC, seeing as she just unquesitioningly demolished an entire town of goblins. Even if she did think they were evil, she would have never done that to other living beings with the kinds of morals pony society teaches, must less revel in the destruction like you described her as having fun.
Fourthly, the entire story is nearly devoid of any description thats meaningful, You throw it in here and there where its absolutely necessarry, but you never stop to describe the setting thoroughly with advanced writing techniques such as metaphors, similies, or allegories. It just screams rushed, and it certainly is, as in 4k+ words or so, you managed to tell an entire story that deserves far more screen time so to speak. This story should have een 12,000 words at the very least to give readers enough time to get involved with the kind of emotional backlash youre aiming for with Sweetie's discovery that she was wrong, fairies are evil, and goblins are just misunderstood. Everything happens so fast that the reader doesn't even know whats going on, much less cares about the characters. Slow it down and take your time.
Fifthly, the end moral where Sweetie, the bear, and the goblins destroy the fairy colony and capture the fairies is just reinforcing the hatred/vitriol that the moral of this story is trying to go against by showing the goblins to just be normal folks who are misunderstood. Theyre just throwing back at the fairies what the fairies did to them, which makes Sweetie no better than them morally, which is not what you want, or were aiming for. You need to show that Sweetie and the goblins are above the fairies' level of immorality instead of just making Sweetie stoop to their level. It teaches bad morals and goes against the very essence of what this story was trying to get at.
Sixthly, you need to get yourself an editor and a proofreader, and you yourself need to reread your own story several times and revise it each time to make sure its the best it can possibly be. There were words missing, grammar errors, and awkward wording all throughout this story, making it not only hard to read, but very un-enjoyable when the reader has to wrestle with the words to get any meaning or understanding out of them. Please, look into getting and editor if you wan yourself and your writing to be taken seriously. There are plenty of groups on the site just for that, and many people who are willing to be editors free of charge. Look into it.
Thats all I really have to say about this story, and I am deeply sorry if these words were harsh. Sometimes there is no putting things lightly Im afraid. I do hope that my words can be of some use to you however in your future endeavors.
Im no master of the written word either, but perhaps if you'd like an example of the various principles and suggestions Im making to you, look into some of my own stories. I hold myself to the very things Im suggesting you to do stringently, so my works are a good example of what I'm suggesting you do yourself.
Best of luck in your future endeavors, and warm regards,
-Singleton
Some of these might be nit-picks:
The word "pleasant" is redundant, since we're told in the next sentence that this is Sweetie's favorite tune. Also, I think the information in the first two sentences would be best combined into a single sentence.
Did Sweetie Belle stop humming? Two paragraphs later, we're told that Sweetie Belle finishes humming her song.
This next paragraph is sort of confusing, because most of it seems to suggest that Sweetie Belle has picnics often, while the first sentence suggests that this is a one-time event. Also, if this is a rare event that Sweetie has been planning for some time, why didn't she choose a date where she could be sure her friends would be free?
This seems a weak excuse -- a picnic is not a strenuous activity, and ponies have four legs. Knowing the CMC, a sprained leg would not have kept Scootaloo from her friends.
"sad" is redundant here -- It's clear from context that the sigh is a sad one.
When writing from the perspective of a single character, phrases like "she thought" aren't necessary. It's clear that this is a thought, and it's clear whom it belongs to.
Sweetie Belle is surprised, and the reader ought to feel some degree of surprise too. Using a compound sentence with conjunctions blunts that effect, since everything sort of flows together. Short, simple sentences, or even sentence fragments, are often useful for emphasis. For example, something like this might be more effective:
I need to sleep now. If you find this criticism useful, I'll provide more on the rest of the story tomorrow.
I like the fairytale feel of this story. I wonder if the fairies are breezies gone bad.
As I understand it, apparently in Equestria it is a common problem that talking bears will borrow your picnic basket, only to take a dump in it. That should definitely be the focus of the sequel.