Jaush
Joined 18th Jul, 2014 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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[youtube=https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QAl9kZCwOPE]
I guess you could say he's...* puts on shades* bad company
YEAH!
6455232 Enjoyed that song. I've always seen the Minotaur as I see the Klingon. Well, maybe closer to Wolf if anything. Wouldn't throw the first stone but regardless if you miss or not, he won't.
The short synopsis and the long synopsis told me two different things. What is this story about?
6455287
I was more or less making a joke at the fac the title of your fic has a similar name to the name of the band (Five Finger Artificer, Five Fimger Death Punch) and the fact of how you described him as being of bad company.
6455480 Ah, I get you. After listening to the song I just reminded myself of what I modeled the guy in the story off of, or at least attuned some of his bad habits to the influence of. I have a problem with being rather dry on forums.
6455465 Equestria has a problem that isn't directly helping the mane six or becoming openly part of their society. The Idea revolves around too much of a good thing can kill you, and while ponies are very magical so is the land and air in order for them to exert the amount of control shown. Like water, magic comes from somewhere, and like any resource you can use too much too fast and screw yourself. This will be where ponies, their home, and what they do make for materials to work with.
The short synopsis is specifically for the human which will generally be the center of the story since ponies are not well suited for the job. As per why a human, how he got there, and what makes these artificers so special will be shown alongside moving the main plot forward. But nothing about the human is tied in origin to Equestria or any pony, so it's a moving part of it's own in all reality.
I figured show a little in the short of who the story will center on, and then in the long the specifics of their proverbial playground, along with the rules and whatnot to be followed.
Perhaps I do need to go and mesh them together better.
A cocky, badass human in equestrian who isn't a whiny bitch who limits how he uses his powers?
I like it, I love it, and I want more of it!
He seems to be a real asshole.
6462036 He is. But that's fine where he was staying. His character is one that firmly believes in letting someone choose how and why they come at you, and react. Black and white, however, makes problems.
I have a friend like him. Parties are not a good idea.
6460546 Which i enjoy writing, but I hope i get to delve into some small slice of life segments in between the main adventure to get into his quirks. Don't ever think he will entirely change, but his reactions will revolve around the individual doing something to bring about one.
Is this a crossover of Warmachine?
6462170 No. No it's not.
There was a fight scene?
There's something about the way you write that just annoyes me and gives me a headache trying to understand what you're saying due to the lack of descriptions. I had to read every chapter you've written just to understand what you wrote and that kind of kills the setting for me.
It might just be me and so I don't mean anything negative by this, but could you pace the story a little better. Other than that, this story is great, heck even John's annoying personality is something else.
6462377 Not really. The guards were the the equivalent of a volunteer militia, with friendly fun loving ponies. The altercation with Princess Luna was an accident that neither expected, since he was just trying to lure her out.
6463207 I had to admit I got a chuckle from the brutal honesty, and I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to give it. Is it the lack of describing where they are and not setting up the canvas before I just have the characters start playing in it? I do wish to improve, and if you see time to do so, I would/will always appreciate feedback no matter how brutal. I just do not want to assume, if I am unsure.
6463463
Generally speaking I have a problem trying to figure out who is speaking half the time. Usually speaking parts are either told between two individuals, whose names are stated in some context either in the same paragraph as they speak or the very beginning of the next, and if another character starts talking too you have to let the reader know who it is or we'll just get confused.
Other than that you also need more description. Like, you could talk about how Catfish John did something like smirking or looked upon with a bored expression while such and such happened. Little things like that will help us see more of you're main character's personality. Oh, and more background detail so that we know what kind of setting the scene is taking place in. Just small things like that through out the story help us better understand what's going on.
Lastly you've got your pace which is really fast. This whole confrontation could've been described a lot better and been more drawn out, but really the only way to improve pacing is to write more and try to slow down a chapter at a time.
There is a lot to improve on, but we all start somewhere. Just keep writing and you'll keep getting better, trust me.
It has potential overall to be a interesting read, but the way the wording runs everything seems uncoordinated and jumbled together. Possibly need to reworded for better flow and easier shifts between characters perspectives.
6472098
6469353
I appreciate the feedback and I am making a pass before i release the next chapter on the previous ones to improve them all. I've noticed my bad habits, such as trying to describe instead of just saying names along with a few others. I suspect within the next two or three days all chapters will be reworked and the next one released. Hopefully I am able to give it a good effort on the points that I am taking very seriously, as I do enjoy writing the story thus far and wish to continue.
The next chapter is done but no reason to try and show improvement if readers are turned away before they get there.
Again, I appreciate the time to let me know, thank you.
Who was Luna pointing at in the end bit? Seems like every one had left, and she doesn't strike me as that type of crazy. Also, highly intelligent phrasing is best reserved for writing something like a thesis paper, rather than for a story. It is rarely done because of the same reason as you wouldn't read a programming textbook to put a six year old to sleep. I was only able to make sense of some parts thanks to my well read nature and the usage of context beyond the overarching summarization I normally use it for. Any way, I have two pieces of advice for you. First, show don't tell applies to more than just movies and TV shows. Second, keep it simple. This last bit is usually told to designing engineers for the sake of cost effectiveness and not requiring ridiculous training to do regular tasks with machinery.
Dead story is dead, time to bury it out back with all the other dead fics.