• Member Since 13th Jul, 2015
  • offline last seen 8 hours ago

Script Singer

"All it take is a beautiful smile to hide an injured soul" - Robin Williams



Now with a reading by Lotus Moon!

A baby Phoenix was found by an alicorn filly as an egg. However, when she hears how the life cycle of a Phoenix works, she begins to worry about her life.

UPDATE AROUND OCTOBER 2016: I give credit to Aeluna for helping me edit and fix some edits in this story.

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Chapters (6)
Comments ( 5 )

Yes I know it's short…:facehoof::twilightsheepish::twilightblush::fluttershysad:

This was a nice little story, and a sequel would be good. But if you're finished, you really should change the story's status to "Complete".

Since this is your first fic, I'll be nice and give some constructive criticism.

• Try not to repeat words (aside from generic words such as "and" etc) in consecutive sentences

• "Father" and "mother" need only be capitalised at the start of a sentence or when someone is speaking, e.g: Oh, Mother, why can't I have a purple talking unicorn?

• A phoenix is an animal, it doesn't need to be captalised—unless the baby is called Phoenix

• When you do time jumps, try to make them more obvious. I was so confused at first, I thought Philomena had ran away literally five minutes after being found!!

Other than that, for a first try this is actually pretty well written, although you really need to write longer chapters. As opposed to just having Celestia read the excerpt, have a scene where she looks for the book, for example. Just ways to bulk out the work. I'm also pretty impressed that you've got a decent grasp on writing and formatting dialogue too, kudos (apart from the odd slip-up)!

Yah, I forgot about that. Still new with this. I'm better at other stuff and not good with fan fiction.

Thanks for the tips. I was freaking out no one would like my story. Im not good at fan fiction for mlp. one of my stories that is not mlp is based off of an old action show starting with TT and has been remade into TTG witch makes fun of origonal :twilightangry2:

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