Change is the only constant in the world. It brought Equestria a world where one princess controls the sun and the moon. Ponies invent things to make life easier. It brings the seasons, growing up and even dying. Nothing stays the same but few can really accept it, and even fewer may do so forever. Can Pixel Wavelength, the pony most accepting of change, do nothing but stand still as the world becomes something unrecognizable? And when that change affects her closest friends and allies, then it becomes all too personal. From a small town foal to a princess, Pixel is helpless to stop it. She just has to live her life the best she can.
((Pixel Wavelength is a character developed by Poniverse and used by permission for their "Mascot Summerpalooza contest"; this story won that contest and my version is part of the Poniverse canon alongside the other well written stories that was entered for other characters. Most of the characters are made up by myself. Final word count: 24332))
Well, bring on the downvotes.
that was pretty awesome. was not expecting that from Ferris Spark
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Thanks. He's supposed to be a very manipulative kind of character in the end but even he as a character changes from someone that was motivated by innovation to someone motivated by money. He took advantage of Pixel's naivety and good faith in ponies to get her to do what he wished.
Full disclosure, here—I'm not a judge, just a fellow entrant who decided to review all the stories submitted to this contest.
Hello again, Silver Letter! First off, that is a wonderful prologue you have, though I'd hesitate to call it a prologue. A prologue means "before the story," but what you wrote seems to start in media res. Regardless, it's engaging, and I can imagine it's easy to get hooked in trying to figure out who this mysterious "he" is.
Oh, and props for building such a long and intricate world; it actually kind of reminds me of Kingdom Hearts. I do love detailed and florid description, and you do it very well. This is definitely a story I'll come back to when I have more time to mull over it.
That being said, the grammar of the story really put me off to it at first. You seem to switch between past and present tense at will, which turns out incredibly jarring prose. When writing a story in past tense (which most stories are written in), there is very little reason to switch to present tense. Yet I see it done in your story, sometimes multiple times per paragraph.
Here's one more thing, and unfortunately, it's something that tends to affect longer stories like this: they can tend to wander, and this one does too. There were some sections in this story I felt were extraneous. Take Potato Mash, who shows up at the end of Chapter 2, but never seems to show up again. To a lesser extent, a lot of events in this story could be removed with little to no effect on the plot. In my opinion, if a story can be written with half the words, write it with half the words.
That's all I've got at the moment. Congrats on writing such a long and intricate story, and good luck in the mascot contest!
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You are likely right about the prologue thing. I am not sure if there is a specific word to use to describe a part of a story meant to be set in the future but as a staging point of sorts. Movies do it sometimes. In regards to the tenses, may I ask for some examples? perhaps I hadn't done a fine job in making sure the bulk of the story kept in past tense. Of course, the entirety of the "prologue", a section at the end of the penultimate chapter, and the last chapter (save for the brief past tense exposition in the beginning), were meant to be in the "present" tense. Of course, sometimes, I might be unsure whether something should be in past or present if something is being mentioned about something that happened in the past. If possible, perhaps you can bring it to my attention. Stories can shift tenses which I have seen done well in books. I'm still new at this so it's possible that I made mistakes thinking that a sentence here or there may have to be written in past tense even in the middle of the present tense? I'll have to see.
I wanted to make sure that with the many scenes, that I was able to promote a good image of Pixel's past. It was the prompt for the contest. From childhood to adult. Everything in the story is supposed to emphasize change in some way. How Pixel behaves towards ponies, how ponies change and behave towards her; how she changes; how her friends, family and allies change. How the world changes. Potato is mentioned late in the story again. He's not important but not everything has to be. He was just part of Pixel's changing world. He and his son, Button. But what scenes besides potato are superfluous?
Thanks for reading my story and offering such good feedback. I am happy to take it into account and I think it's good that you found some enjoyment in reading it. I liked to come up with the ideas for this story and it was fun to do. I liked how I was the only one to see Pixel's "princess" thing non-literally as far as I know. I didn't read all the stories but most seem to do the whole crown and royal guard thing. Anyway, I hope I do well too. Just by size, I offer far more backstory than my one competitor. ^_^
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Yeah, I don't know a term for your not-prologue either, to be honest.
As to the tense issues, here are a few examples:
This contraction generally indicates "she is," but "she was" would be preferred here.
Again, "he was" and "they were" are preferred here. Whether the facts you state are true now or not, it remains that the facts you stated happened in the past, and can be quoted in the past without issue. It's not strictly wrong to quote them in the present, but it implies things like "he wasn't quick to show how much he cared, but he is now." Here's a resource that elaborates on this further.
The matter of whether your story wanders, I guess, depends on who is reading it. I'm a scientist, and I value brevity in writing, so I'll admit to that bias, first of all. The reason I thought certain parts were extraneous was that the entire story had an overarching plotline, that of Ferris Spark's machinations. Parts that don't directly or indirectly contribute to that plotline don't feel like they need to be there (such as Potato Mash and a handful of others). If you subscribe to the school of thought that "change" is the overarching plotline, the entire story becomes more episode-based, and that gives you a bit more leeway as to what you can discuss in it, though the story becomes looser as a result. If you like your stories that way, I guess there's nothing wrong with in in this regard. I just don't really prefer them that way.
I see where our confusion is taking place. When I used those contractions, it was with an understanding that they mean both present and past tense at the same time. "he's" would be "he is" and "he was" depending on context; "they're" would be "they are" and "they were". Maybe that is incorrect but I thought that those contractions could be used as both. So it would be best if I made past tense more clear and avoid contractions?
I also understand what you are talking about with the wandering storyline. Since this was supposed to be something that focuses on backstory, I wanted to add a variety of time frames and perhaps focus on something a bit more loose or general in scope. It is possible that I could have done things differently if the focus was elsewhere.
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Well, if you google "they're," you get its definition: contraction, they are. I've always assumed that those contractions generally imply the present tense, and when using past tense, the words are quoted discretely. At least, that's how I normally see it in the stories I read.
Perhaps the reason why I was put off by your looser storyline is because you set up the story as if it's a lot tighter than it actually is. The prologue (or whatever you want to call it) is a wonderful hook, but it's also a Chekov's gun, implying it will be acted upon later. And indeed, it is . . . but only after you cover a lot of other stuff that's related to Pixel, but not the prologue.
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I understand. Part of that is because the story came together as I came up with new ideas. I was unsure when the story would return to that point in particular and only knew that it would come eventually after I had gone through the past events.
Alright, finally got around to this one, the longest entry of our contest. First of all, on behalf of Poniverse I just want to thank you very much for taking the time to write and submit this entry for our contest, I and the rest of the staff appreciate it very much. Let's get into the positives first. I loved the ambition here, going through Pixel's whole life with little glimpses at different chapters of it throughout the fic. As our head mascot, if anypony deserves such a detailed backstory, it's her. Most of what you had here also seemed plausible, and I really like the "Princess of the Internet" title starting as a PR thing, very clever. The ways her own personal life got woven into her professional life were handled really well as well, and she and Sapphire were quite a cute couple too (though I could have stood for maybe one more scene with those two, perhaps when she tells him what she really wants in life after her falling out with Ferris, because we jump from them kind of, sort of going steady to being married and having a foal together. Pixel's personality worked quite well here as well, I thought; she was both a visionary, but also quite cautious and measured in her actions because she came to realize more and more that what she wanted to do could and would affect many ponies lives. A very good, balanced character I thought, exactly what Poniverse's head mascot needs to be.
Now, let's get into some of the negatives. First of all, I need to get this out of the way; there was no reason for Pixel to be born an alicorn. It raised too many questions, it's too unusual from what we've seen in Equestrian society for it to be something that most ponies just accept aside from mild surprise at seeing her, there were really wasn't anything crucial that she did that demanded she be one already, and it even created missed opportunities. I mean, how great would it have been if, after Ferris mockingly threw the PR title "Princess of the Internet" in her face, Pixel, after her court case gets resolved, were to have a one-on-one meeting with Princess Celestia where she was offered it as an actual title and were ascended to an alicorn? That would be a scene that you could do a lot with, and it would be a great payoff to the ways that Pixel grew throughout her whole life up until that moment in which a whole new destiny is suddenly opened for her. I'm not telling you to rewrite that right now, but I will say that if this is a winning entry, this is something we will return to for the sake of Poniverse canon.
That was my biggest issue, it really was. Other than that, the fic could just stand to be polished is all. It's not so much spelling as some misuse of tenses every once in awhile. You sometimes had present tense where past tense was appropriate, you used 'can' and 'will' at times where the modal auxiliaries 'could' and 'would' were more appropriate, stuff like that. It didn't break the fic or anything, so it's totally up to you if you want to polish it, but it certainly couldn't hurt either. Other than that, this was a very, very enjoyable fic, and thank you again so much for taking the time to write it. Like I said, don't worry about revisions to the alicorn thing yet since, if it's not a winning entry, it'll really be a moot point, but just keep it in the back of your mind since you may have to return to it later. You should hear from the judges soon as I believe we're drawing near the end of our judging period, and I will say that this one should definitely be in the running. Best of luck, and thank you again for all the time and effort it took to make this fic (oh, and if this fic does need to be revised later with added additions, don't worry if it ends up over 25,000 words, that's totally fine). Have a good day!
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Thanks for reading.
Yeah, I based her personality around the prompt. She is supposed to be naive and therefore, someone that is easily controlled by someone with more charisma. Some problems came as a result of me running out of words so I would have expanded on Pixel and sapphire if i could but at least, I was able to ground it in childhood.
I am a bit surprised that you don't care for the Alicorn thing. I perhaps was believing that you guys would have wanted that to be a constant in Pixel's life. I am sure that I can alter the story if necessary but in way hopefully that is not tacked on without cause at the end. Your idea is good though.
Yeah, somebody talked to me about the tense stuff. I'll work on it if needed. I sure hope my story is being considered. :) After all, there is only one other PW centered story, right? Well, I'm glad you liked the story and what I was trying to do.