Sunset Secret - The Fate of Two Equestrias

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Sunset Shimmer made the mistake of playing with things not even Celestia could truly understand. Upon moving through the mirror and into another world - she has compromised the very existence of her human doppelganger, who she has replaced entirely. Living a life far different, but also eerily familiar - Sunset is haunted by her own personal demons and seeks redemption one day at a time. This proves difficult, when she begins to have strange visions of mythical beings that dwell between the two realms, preying on those that wish to travel between the different planes. Pursued by phantom riders in her dreams and morally pummeled by the struggles of troubled teenhood - Sunset is about to discover something that will forever change the fate of two Equestrias.

Chapters (2)

Prologue - Consequences To Everything · 25th Jul 2015 · 4,553 words
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Chapter I - As Above, So Below · 12th Aug 2015 · 4,975 words
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Comments ( 11 )

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MythrilMoth

MythrilMoth #1 · Jul 26th, 2015 · · · Prologue - Consequences To Everything ·

Story itself lost my interest fairly quickly with its long rambling paragraphs and wall of text feel, but that might just be me. The only constructive thing I have to offer is to point out that for some reason, your entire description is bolded, and you should really fix that.

Gvozdi

Gvozdi #2 · Jul 26th, 2015 · · · Prologue - Consequences To Everything ·

6246665

Hmmm, really seems like I need to completely revamp my writing style. Problem is, I've been writing like this for years and I feel like I try to over explain things a lot due to the fact English is not my first, but rather my fourth language. Thank you for the honest input however.

And yeah, I am entirely unsure how the description was bolded. Fixed.

MythrilMoth

MythrilMoth #3 · Jul 26th, 2015 · · · Prologue - Consequences To Everything ·

6246678 Well, from what I picked up on a quick skim, your writing is fairly solid from a grammatical standpoint, and it looks like you're massively into worldbuilding, which is all well and good. The main problem you have is that you need to break your paragraphs down into smaller chunks and scale back on the infodumps and exposition--reveal information to the reader at a slow and steady rate rather than piling giant blocks of unbroken paragraphs full of information on the reader one right after the other. That would be my one piece of advice for you.

Gvozdi

Gvozdi #4 · Jul 26th, 2015 · · · Prologue - Consequences To Everything ·

6246682

Many thanks. I will definitely take this to heart and in future stories/chapters I will try to orchestrate how I actually lay down the information a lot better... And yes, world building is something I like the most - so I will probably focus more on gradual explanation of such rather than just dumping a bunch of self-made lore and fluff at once.

Luckily, this just inspires me to write more and experiment with how to improve further, so thanks for the input yet again!

MythrilMoth

MythrilMoth #5 · Jul 26th, 2015 · · · Prologue - Consequences To Everything ·

6246687 Happy to help. Good luck!

Gvozdi

Gvozdi #6 · Jul 26th, 2015 · · · Prologue - Consequences To Everything ·

6246695

The next chapter is already unfortunately in a very similar style with a lot of lore being thrown together at once
But I assure, after that - I'll try to administer the advice given

mutualism_is_nice