Cake for Two

The Cake Family 256 stories ·197 members

Cake for Two

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While Mrs. Cake leaves to drop an important order, Pinkie and Mr. Cake stay behind to clean.

Mr. Cake takes this time to tell Pinkie about his life.

Cover edited from image by EllisArts
Changed from original title: How to make a cake

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 5 )

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RainEStar

RainEStar #1 · Jul 26th, 2015 · · ·

Nice story as always BB! When I find the time I'll get to nitpicking, but until then, great job! It's always fun to see stories staring the cakes!

Ditz

Ditz #2 · Jul 26th, 2015 · · ·

6247136 Thank you. And much appreciated, I'll be waiting for it!

RainEStar

RainEStar #3 · Aug 13th, 2015 · · ·

6247674
Now for a long overdue NITPICK TIME!

“Come on everyone, we need to finish this order!”

Technically it's everyPONY, but even the show's writers skip the horse puns sometimes.

The yellow one did his best

I believe, "was doing his best," is the correct tense, but I'm not sure.

“Stop playing around, Pinkie, we are going to be late!”

Since I believe these are two separate sentences, a semi-colon or period would be better. Also, remember to use a coma when a character is addressing another person, or pony, in this case.

Mr. Cake sighed, grinning to himself as he stared out the window longingly. “Well, Pinkie,

Just another missing coma.

~~~~~

Squiggles!
Not professional, but fun to see!Nothing wrong here; just making a note.

“Ugh, I can’t play with you once because you always pull the ’Filthy’ card.

These two words never go together. So... what exactly is this supposed to say?

“So, I’m Cupcake, an—wow, I‘m already bored.” The rest of the kids could only look at each other with confused stares, not knowing how to respond.

Microsoft Word can produce longer dashes for these situations. Also, the quotation ends the sentence so... small typo I believe.

“Well, aren’t you a timid one,” she said rolling her eyes, pushing a strand of her mane that had fallen over her eyes.

Would that be, "she said as she rolled her eyes" or, "she said, rolling her eyes"?

“Don’t laugh! T-this is important!” he demanded, flustered, catching her off guard.

I believe there was a missing comma here.

“If that's not it, then what is?“

It may not show up on some fonts, but that second quotation mark is backwards. Technology nowadays.

And without another word, Cupcake and I left his home. I of course never told her about it, and… I just realized I just told you about it. Oh dear…

Should this be italicized?

I came to give you your wedding present.” Reaching into his coat, he brought up a bag which he dropped at Cupcake’s hooves, causing a noisy jingling as it hit the floor.

Minor stuff

And as you both know, I never did.

Capitalization

And...done!
I must say, I've forgotten how fun it is to nitpick. Sure it takes some time, but I feel it was well spent. I know you're a break from writing BB, but I can't wait to see what you come out with next!

Ditz