Just a Bit

Fluttershy goes shopping.

Image made from vector and bit coin image here.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 4 )

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Pankrazius

Pankrazius #1 · May 25th, 2015 · 1 · ·

Hmh... Not sure, what to make out of this.

Grammar seems O.K. So far - but I didn't search for typos.

But... when addressing characters, don't use circumscriptions like 'white mare' or 'yellow mare'. This drags me away from the character you describe. Just stick to names, or 'he/she' safe using such descriptions, if the character is not known by name.

The plot is a bit hard to believe - you describe a sum of 4000 bits and a dealer not giving in for one single bit? I mean, what a jerk of merchant would that be? Correctness is one thing - but... you want to make business and don't repel your customers with this behaviour... . I mean - I see what you planned. Ignoring Rarity and accusing Angel out of panic and such - but it is too exaggerated at some points. You could do the same with a dealer coming... maybe twice a year or just once a year and a sum of maybe 100 bits - saved over the course of the half year / year. You don't anything to the story, if you stack the values this high. It is just not necessary and drives me away from believing the story at this point.
But however, the idea itself is nice.

Ditz

Ditz #2 · May 25th, 2015 · 1 · ·

6017123 I understand. Thank you for your input! This was actually done in a form of challenge to write a quick story which then would be fixed to be readable without changing much of the subject, and was my first attempt at it.

Still, what you said is very helpful, I'll make sure to keep it in mind when doing it again.

Zeyon The Green