• Member Since 19th Mar, 2015
  • offline last seen May 6th

NeuroSparkle


aerospace engineer in development, bassline scientist, failure at writing

T

Amidst the filth of the desolate impasse, a white unicorn lay upon the heaps of waste, clothed in a gorgeous red dress. Although her indigo mane and attire were disfigured, she still seemed royal, almost like an Alicorn princess—if not for the two gaping holes in her chest and the darkened blood smeared on her legs and hooves.


My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic/Castle crossover; set in Season 3 of both shows.

Chapters (8)
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Comments ( 20 )

:twilightoops: Spike can't find out about this !
:ajsmug: Ya thought his greed was bad.
:fluttershysad: poor Rarity
:rainbowderp: Oh skittles Spike knows!
:pinkiesick: This wont end well
:moustache: ROAR!
:trollestia: Oh snap, Manehatten was Spikezillaed?
:duck: Thank you my precious scales
:unsuresweetie: I should of told them who knew her.

5774505 They should have deployed the jaegers.

Well, I like Castle, and I like ponies...so I like this. :pinkiehappy:

Feels a bit like the two are kind of smashed together...I prefer more blending in my crossovers. But the writing is solid and no particular character flaws (except, you know, Rarity...but we are still in the "I have no idea what's going on and it's awesome" stage of the "Episode" so I will allow it), so please, keep up the good work. :moustache:

5790706 Oh, yeah; when it comes to things like the level of technology etc this story has more holes than a fishing net. They can track mobile phones via satellite but they use carriages for locomotion. It's far from seamless I admit, but, you know... *whispers* plot convenience. :twilightblush: It's especially bad considering I'm a person who generally likes to have all that sorted out perfectly.

Anyway, I'm glad you could enjoy the read nonetheless. :twilightsmile:

i love it you get a :scootangel:

...... yeah cause rarity's murder would be investigated by a handful of deadbeat cops and not by the fucking alicorns. its not like she is some kind of hero who helped save equestria time and time again...........

also guns in equestria is a formula for laziness.

5793232 Actually, dear friend, there's a section in Chpt. 2 addressing this issue. Reading stories before commenting on them ceased to be standard procedure nowadays, huh?

The way I see it is that the Equestrian cabinet and HRs (meaning Princesses) approach this issue like authorities in our human society would; you have military intelligence or some sort of federal security agency ready to take over the investigation as soon as the standard police force becomes incapable of investigating. In this case, it is irrelevant whether the victim is "some kind of hero" or not. On a related note, the "fucking alicorns" wouldn't investigate her murder even if the Equestrian intel agencies got involved, because they're political entities. I'd like you to point out cases in which Obama went out to solve the murders of veterans before you make further complaints.

In this particular case, the secret services have no reason to intervene in the investigation process as Rarity's death has nothing to do with her Element or her role as defensive tool for national security.

And do elaborate on that statement concerning guns, please.

5793277 four digits. all equine have only four digits, one hoofed toe on each limb. meaning you would need a rather awkwardly designed gun for them. also they would have no second amendment in equestria as it would serve no purpose to them as they could probably defend themselves against most attacks, even from other ponies.

also you 'inclusion' of luna was compeltely half assed and useless. they would not just have luna pop up. they would send specialized agents to hunt for the killer cause this would be a political incident to begin with. and a very, very, VERY personally attack when it comes to the regal sisters. cause without rarity, there would only be nightmare moon.

circling back to guns, they are stereotypically used as a lazy method in these kinds of stories. just throw them in willy nilly.

5793307 Equestrian guns are either statically mounted on the pony's body (such as shoulder/back-mounted assault rifles with an external trigger) or mouth-operated (just like pens and quills). I don't see a problem. Furthermore, I never implied the existence of a right to bear arms for civillians, so I'm not sure where you're coming from on that.

Luna's appearance inside the story is coincidental and has nothing to do with the case. As for the part on specialised agents, reread my earlier comment. I'm positive I already explained why that didn't occur there. I'd also like to point out that Rarity and Luna never had any direct interaction. Bear in mind that in Luna Eclipsed, the only episode where we see her spending time with the Mane 6, Rarity doesn't even appear. Hence it is believable that whereas she might be sad in an official way, she does not have a personal connection to Rarity. (She does express indirect worries for Rarity's wellbeing in For Whom The Sweetie Belle Toils, but that's one Season after this story is set.)

Finally, your ending statement lacks a logical point. I included firearms in this story because I liked the concept of having Manehattan operate with mostly the same level of technology as NYC does in Castle. If you don't like the world I create hereby, feel free to not read my story, that's perfectly fine; but accusing me of "laziness" or similar traits just seems inadequate.

Javier Espasito ?:twistnerd: Samms IA you are relieved of duty, You are to be investigated for Battery and Excessive force on a D Hooves.
collect your stuff and get your rep. You have 30 days to reply to the charges,

Mr Ryan, Mr Bucket Colonel F E Filister Equestrian Guard you are to stand down we the Equestrian Royal Guard are to take the lead, National security issues. You are to coordinate with our operations department for the public order.

What's F E stand for?:twistnerd:
Fick Everybody:trollestia:

I must say that I have no idea why it has so many downvotes. There are some slip-ups with punctuation, but they aren't a big issue. Your prose is better than mine when I was writing my first story (which, by the way, was a murder-mystery too).

I guess the only issue is that people who didn't watch Castle may have no idea what's going on.

5806562

I must say that I have no idea why it has so many downvotes.

Beats me, too, honestly. If someone at least told me what I did wrong, that would help a bunch. :rainbowhuh:

I guess what could be seen as off-putting is that there's no real reason for why the Castle cast are ponies, they're kind of just are. It was an attempt not to follow the "oh I'm falling into a pooortaaaal..." crossover trope, but it wasn't received well, apparently.

Thanks for the encouraging words, anyway!

5793307
img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120205142433/mlp/images/2/2b/CastleCreator_Octavia.png
If ponies can play cellos, they can shoot guns as well. Have you ever tried playing cello? It requires more fingers than shooting a gun.

also guns in equestria is a formula for laziness.

farm5.staticflickr.com/4104/5166465451_ded900eaf8.jpg
Well, from your comments here and on my stories I can figure out that you apparently think all authors should follow your headcanon. It's a fanfiction about cartoon horses, not a fucking Bible, mate. Chill the fuck out.

On a side note, nothing says laziness more than not using capital letters and proper punctuation, man...

...... yeah cause rarity's murder would be investigated by a handful of deadbeat cops and not by the fucking alicorns.

Anthropic principle. Look it up. Also, a story about Luna and Celestia tracking the killer's dreams would be:
a) very short,
b) boring. Princesses are god-like entities and no one likes to read about god-like entities doing everything quickly without any trouble. That's why people hate Mary Sues, btw.

also they would have no second amendment in equestria as it would serve no purpose to them as they could probably defend themselves against most attacks, even from other ponies.

Honestly, I have no fucking idea what that has to do with the story. Hell, what the second amendment has to do with gun ownership? If you didn't get the memo, not all the world is the USA. Most of the countries don't have second amendment, yet people there have guns.

5806639 plausible because they have a personal connection. not to mention attack on the mane six would be a political incident considering they hold the keys for equestria's nuke. AND are the advisors to equestria's newest alicorn.

lets also add forcefully murdering one of the mane six to this list. a near guarantee the story is not going in a good direction.

5806562 It's a BS wanabe cop show:fluttercry: content content content :facehoof:the rest gramma and spellin ,,,,,,,,,,:pinkiesick:


Here's a clue, Law enforcement all they talk about is their retirement, what's for lunch, How's the new hobby's going , quota work sometimes filling preformatted reports most the time , filling the 'red' book and bull shitting with each other till the end of the day all the time.:trollestia:'
Procedure:twilightoops:, Protocol,:raritystarry: Public Perception :rainbowhuh:

Now you have Equestrian ATF and 'FEDS' rolling in.....:raritycry:

:trollestia: A search warrant ?

:ajbemused: I'll burn the fields. . .

:applecry: But I like coca

:eeyup: Nnope!

:moustache: I'm going to do some of my own burning. . .

:duck: Meet Spike. He's not a dog but he sure bites. . .

5806620 I´m with you man. Thes "displaced"-stories are always the same. "Oh! there was that strange guy at a con..." bwuearg!

You know what? I´ll give that thing a chance. But first ... let me watch a bit af castle real quick. get into the right mood for some light crime and humor.

6168338

Yeah, exactly. It wouldn't have worked for this story's plot, anyway.

Tell me what you think when you've read a bit :pinkiesmile:

Okay Sorry I took so long, studies, exams, bad mood, yadda yadda yadda. I´ll still finish this before my vacation in Ireland.

Welcome my fellow Bronies and Pegasisters,

I´ll start off with the good points of this story. It was a wise choice to make this a ponified Castle episode. It wouldn´t have made too much sense any other way. And it was a bold move to combine those two serieseseses...Whatever! The story got more interesting, the further I got into it, so the pacing was actually really good.

For a first try, this story is actually quite solid, but there are also a lot of mistakes, which hold this story back to be good.

I analyzed some Castle episodes, and found a pattern, which is used in a lot of episodes. There is a main plot, which consists of the case. It is often coupled with a them like steampunk, horror, high society, strippers or whatever.

There is also a sub plot, told in slice of life bits out of castle´s live with his family. Those are actually really important, because they are used for the character development and sometime provide crucial clues to solve the case.

The use of side characters, suspects and some plot twists to form the main plot were okay, but you totally ignored the sub plot.

You also failed to introduce the characters and the respective lore of Castle and MLP. You must always expect the worst from your readers. You have to write your stories in a way that someone new to either of those story elements understands them. Even I got lost sometimes.

And even though I am not against guns in this, there were too many computers, mobiles and other technical gimmicks involved, wich would have made more sense in an Equestria Girls setting.

What bothered me most, however was how you portrayed Castle in this. You didn´t allow him to be the witty, smooth, charming celebrity he is supposed to be. He always has a story to tell or a stupid joke to provoke a little discussion with Becket. a I liked the Luna-bit because she was, what castle should have been. You "castled" Luna, which is not good by the way.

And then tere is the terrible phrase "show dont tell". It mostly means that you use dialogue and actions to describe an scenario, instead of just telling the reader directly.

The prologue, for example, was lacking in that aspect. You just told us the stallions instincts he had aquired on the streets of manehatten somehow told him that going down the ally was a bad idea. Nobody knows what those instincts are. Being a bit more detailed would have been a lot better her.

A shiver went down his spine, as he looked at his red tinted hoof. Shaking his head to clear his blurred vison, his eyes wandered up to see a thin trail of red liquid. The last bit of reason, which hadn´t been drowned in booze, begged him to turn around. "Curiosity always kills the cat!" He thought, shoving this doubt aside and followed anyway.

This is still not as good as it could be, but the reader at least knows what you are talking about.

How you introduced Discharge was also an example for that. He was suddenly there and you just told us he was working with Ryan and Esposito a few times. Why didn´t you mention him earlier or added a few conversations between them? He just came out of nowhere.

And lastly, the paragraphing. Some of your paragraphs were much too long. This not only looks bad, but also hinders your reader to get into a good flow while reading, which is really important in action sequences like the last chapters were. Having a big block thrown in your face when the action is suposed to be quick, is not good.

The Epilogue was a bit confusing. it did not feel like the story really ended. Did you plan to write a sequel to this?

I suggest you to look for a good editor and going over this, as well, because there are some typos.

Despite this story being a brave and good effort for a first try, I can only give it a final verdict of four out of ten. Sorry!

NightmareShredder:pinkiehappy:

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