Everything seamed peaceful, nothing was wrong. Then, everything was dead or dying around them. What will Twilight and the others do to solve this? The real question is.... what can they do?
Chapters (5)
the_guy
Joined 7th Apr, 2012 ·
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Umm... ouch.
Your spelling and grammar. They need a lot of work. The second half of the story was written in italics, which is something you shouldn't do. Dialogue also shouldn't be written as italics, but rather in normal text. The quotations tell us that it's dialogue. Next, you did have many grammar errors that were just misuse of a word, such "there" instead of "they're" or "their". If you can fix these, then I assure you the readers will be more satisfied.
On the other hand, I think you have a very good story here. A lot of polish is needed, but fixing the spelling and grammar will greatly improve the quality. You didn't over do the sympathy and sadness, which is very hard to do. After all, there is a thin line between truly sad and screaming-for-sympathy sad. You have hit the nail on the head with this, I look forward to seeing where it goes from here.
Good luck.
573229 "A lot of polish is needed," for a moment I thought you meant the language before it dawned on me.
Firstly, the cover art made me sad. And then your writing made me even sadder. There's certianly alot to work on.
I don't mean to sound rude, but is english not your first language? That would explain an awful lot.
On the plus side, I guess that means that you can only get better at writting from now on. Everyone has to start somewhere!
Good start. It does need a lot of work. lose the italics and check your words. Once you do that, it will be even better.
573229 thank for the help, and the good comments, AND also for not raging when you saw mistakes and just telling me, so... thanks?
573465 *sigh*... it is my first language. spelling and grammar was never easy for me, but I would always hate it because because I have so many good ideas but can never get them down, if you think this is bad, you should read my stuff in grade 8!
573850 alright, from here on out, I'll stop with the italics, and it probs would be better if i could get a proof reader than have me do it
573049 Just what I was aiming for!
hmmmmmm, crappy spelling,+ awesome plot = This story
This is a great story. Very sad though, poor Flutters... I'm actually doing a story just like this. Well without the dog things.
577220 cool, think i'll read it then.
577212 *Sigh* i know, and i hate it so much, I've always had good ideas, i could jest never get them down, I mean, I'm doing this, but its terrible.
Well i would replace "for the love of god," with "for the love of Celestia, but otherwise it is just grammar and spelling. I could proof read if you wanted. I'm no expert, but I do enjoy writing.
So sad.
I like. You can use italics for inner thoughts of characters. This way they don't have to say everything aloud. Don't use brackets or whatever was in the middle there. For example: Twilight looked to the floor, thinking to herself. No, I need to stay strong. I've already cried to much, and we don't need two distraught ponies right now.
581881 ok, ok that's a good idea and i will from this point on do that
, and how would you be able to proof read it? 
now, with this chapter, i noticed something, now i know some of you are going to be like no shit for this, but i have been making some of the characters go against there element, for example, Pinkie stopped laughing, and Rainbow is thinking of killing Twilight, this wan't on purpose, but I like it, so I was wondering if anybody else likes that, and should continue doing it with RD and other characters, or would it a little old after a while? please let me know, i'm very curious about your opinions n this.
589892 I like it so far. A very interesting story. Although i don't like the fact RD is having these thoughts it makes me think. "If Rainbow is having this much trouble then what about the others?" And when I think that way i want to read it even more. This story is one of the best i've ever read
why thank you, Its always nice to hear compliments like that
I'm a blacksmith and I like this story. So please call them blacksmithing books, as that is the art used to make blades. Welding is more for mechanics, like building cars. Machining would be for making guns.
Other than this, good job. I will continue reading this.
As for the characterization. RD's loyalty to Fluttershy's memory could be in character, just don't take it too far. As for Pinkie, if she saw violence and bloodshed, not laughing could also be in character. As for the others just have them do what you think they would do. For example I don't see any particular reason for AJ to lie right now.
There are some grammar errors and funky dialog in this chapter, especially for Rarity, but keep going. You can only get better.
599244 ok, blacksmithing, got it. and thanks for the positive input, it does really make feel good about what i'm doing
i just figure d that pinkie saw something she couldn't laugh off, so she started to think of all the other things in the world that couldn't be laughed off, and is realizing that the world is actually a bad place, and with Rainbow, I think its not her actually hating Twilight, its the fact that she couldn't protect her best friend, and in order to not completely destroy herself, she needs to blame someone. also yes I know, i'm not going to make Rarity randomly take stuff or just have Twilight loose her magic (though I'm not really sure what could trigger that) it going to be a point that i'm probs going to decide like 5 chapters earlier... really though, with all the ideas in my head, I could make this fiction last for 50 chapters, well maybe not that long
sorry for the rant, and tank you
so, I'm curious, does anyone get what i'm trying to get at with the silence?
I have mentioned it several times now, and I'm just curious if the points getting across or if its just another trade mark of mine that i'm picking up
hello? Hi this is DaFuqIDontEven, but I am also The_Guy the writer of this story, Uuuuuuuuuuum it just so happens that I got banned... I duno if I'm going to be able to get my account back, but I'm gona try, maybe I could re-post these fictions and just say I have permission from the author... which i do obviously.
so what happened was I made a new fiction, and when it finished "moderation" I got two E-mails the first one said that I passed moderation, and the second one said I fail moderation. one line said "Your story love letter has failed moderation on FimFiction for the following reason:" and then nothing after that. in the line below it says "Please make the required changes and resubmit." but I cant do that cuz 1 Im banned and 2 YOU GUYS GAVE ME NOTHING TO CHANGE!!!!. so if anybody has any ideas I would really appreciated it!
573049>>599244>>590601>>577212>>573850>>573465>>573311>>573229
Hello everybody, I don't want to sound like a person desperate for people to come read my fics but I managed to get this one, "bites of the dead" onto my new account, you can just go to my profile to find it if you want, there's one new chapter on there, and i got a proof reader for that chapter and all the chapters to come!
(dedz to spikethepony of funny junk) so only if you like, come check it out. 