It was a nice day out, there was not a noise to be heard.
"FLUTTERSHY, HURRY UP!" Twilight begged.
Not a cloud in the sky, the sun was bright.
"TWILIGHT, THERE CATCHING UP TO ME!" Fluttershy screamed.
There was a rainbow over the sky, even though there has been no rain for over a week.
"FLY FLUTTERSHY, FLY, GET OUT OF HERE, I'LL BE ALRIGHT!" Twilight demanded.
So serine, almost as if it was a gift to make up for hard times.
"THE TREE'S ARE TO THICK, I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO GET NEARLY HIGH ENOUGH!" Fluttershy replied.
The beauty of it was almost breath taking, it would have been the perfect day to do anything.
"JUST KEEP RUNNING FLUTTERSHY!" Twilight enforced.
Not a sound to be heard...
"TWIIIIIIILIIIIIIIGHT!!!" Fluttershy screamed in agony
The blood curtailing scream made Twilight stop in her tracks and turn around, Fluttershy was on the ground with three of those...things on her, one of them was biting into her side, she struggled but the giant dog like things were to strong.
"HELP ME TWILIGHT!" Fluttershy pleaded.
"FLUTTERSHY!" Twilight's horn lit up with her purple magic, it grew bright and brighter, as if it was charging. "GET OFF HER YOU BEASTS!" she blasted a shot of magic at each of the dogs, They flew back. Twilight positioned herself on top of Fluttershy in a protective way before the dogs had a chance to recover. "come at me you freaks!" Twilight raged under her breath.
When the dogs got back on there... hooves, they jumped at twilight, one by one, and each time they did, Twilight would blast them right back, she would do anything to protect her friend. after a little bit, the dogs gave up, they ran into the depths of Everfree Forest.
"Fluttershy, are you ok? how hurt are you? GASP!" Twilight looked down to see a massive bite mark, about the size of a mid sized football, on fluttershy's side abdomen.
"I...It hurts Twilight... Please, help me." Fluttershy begged almost pitifully.
"Its ok Fluttershy, I can heal this." Twilight promised already tired from all the blast she gave out. Her horn lit up again, this time with a calmer light, she placed it just above the bite wound.
"ooooh." Fluttershy relaxed. "That feels nice."
They were there for quite a while, stuck in silence and fear. It was difficult for twilight to keep up the spell though, she used up more energy than she thought, there were a couple of times where she lightened up a little, then realized what she was doing and got back to healing. The healing spell itself was slightly complected. It was not much of a healing spell, it was more of a time spell, you would focus your magic on the spot that required healing and let time flow through, using the horn as a time gate.
"Alright, Its healed as well as time could heal it, there is a big scar, but you will need to live with that." Twilight gave a sigh of relief... "We need to get moving Fluttershy."
"B, But I'm so tired, can't we just take a quick break?"
"Fluttershy... are you ok?" Twilight started go get worried
"Ya I'm fine, I'm just really tired, I... I think i'll take a quick nap. alright?" Fluttershy weakly managed to mumble.
"Fluttershy, Come on, don't do this, do NOT fall asleep." Twilight yelled at the dying pony.
"Its ok twilight, I'll wake up soon."
"NO FLUTTERSHY, DON'T FALL ASLEEP, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT FALL ASLEEP!" Twilight was crying. "DO NOT FALL ASLEEP"
"mmmmm. Good night Twilight. Oh, and tell Angel to not eat all the carrots please." Fluttershy said with a smile as her last breath escaped her lungs.
"Fl, Fl, Fluter... No... no, no no no no no NOOO, NOOOOOOOOOOO FLUTTERSHY, WHYYYYYYYYY!" Twilight screamed out in agony, Tears were pouring down her face now. She never worried about her friends dying, she would always brush the thought off when ever something like that would come to her head, thinking they were to young to die naturally, and nothing, until today would or could kill anybody.
Right then one of those dogs came back, he slowly approached, cautious for any on coming blasts. When there were non, he started to circle them, getting closer and closer. Twilight knew that the beast was there, she just could not do anything at the moment under her sobs. She looked up with her teary eyes at the beast, not so far away now. At first glance it looked normal, but after staring at it for a little longer, she saw a pink bloody strand of hair hanging from its mouth.
"Oh, so you've come back for seconds have you?... RRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Twilight shouted as she shot a huge bolt of magic. The bold went right through the dog and snapped a tree behind it. It was still standing, but clearly weakened, that's when the tree fell on it, making the beast motionless. When she new the beast was dead after staring at it for a while to make sure it was actually gone, she went back to crying
"I did it Fluttershy, I killed your killer, even if he was a beast, I got revenge for you.... Oh Fluttershy, please come back" her tears picked up again, this time they were coming in rivers. She laid on Fluttershy, almost as if to get as close as she could.
"Come on Twilight, Pull yourself together." Twilight tried to calm herself "She's gone now, not coming back... Oh god, She's not coming back. NO NO NO no no, now is not the time think about that Twilight. Come on, you need to get up... GET UP!"
As soon as she said that she jumped off of her lying position she had put herself in on Fluttershy. She ran, as fast as she could, she needed to get away from her, She felt if she stayed there any longer she might never leave. She was heading to the place they were originality heading heading, Ponyville. She ran with tears in her eyes.
Not a sound to be heard.
Umm... ouch.
Your spelling and grammar. They need a lot of work. The second half of the story was written in italics, which is something you shouldn't do. Dialogue also shouldn't be written as italics, but rather in normal text. The quotations tell us that it's dialogue. Next, you did have many grammar errors that were just misuse of a word, such "there" instead of "they're" or "their". If you can fix these, then I assure you the readers will be more satisfied.
On the other hand, I think you have a very good story here. A lot of polish is needed, but fixing the spelling and grammar will greatly improve the quality. You didn't over do the sympathy and sadness, which is very hard to do. After all, there is a thin line between truly sad and screaming-for-sympathy sad. You have hit the nail on the head with this, I look forward to seeing where it goes from here.
Good luck.
573229 "A lot of polish is needed," for a moment I thought you meant the language before it dawned on me.
Firstly, the cover art made me sad. And then your writing made me even sadder. There's certianly alot to work on. I don't mean to sound rude, but is english not your first language? That would explain an awful lot.
On the plus side, I guess that means that you can only get better at writting from now on. Everyone has to start somewhere!
Good start. It does need a lot of work. lose the italics and check your words. Once you do that, it will be even better.
573229 thank for the help, and the good comments, AND also for not raging when you saw mistakes and just telling me, so... thanks?
573465 *sigh*... it is my first language. spelling and grammar was never easy for me, but I would always hate it because because I have so many good ideas but can never get them down, if you think this is bad, you should read my stuff in grade 8!
573850 alright, from here on out, I'll stop with the italics, and it probs would be better if i could get a proof reader than have me do it
573049 Just what I was aiming for!
hmmmmmm, crappy spelling,+ awesome plot = This story
Well i would replace "for the love of god," with "for the love of Celestia, but otherwise it is just grammar and spelling. I could proof read if you wanted. I'm no expert, but I do enjoy writing.
So sad.