- Member Since 27th Nov, 2014
- offline last seen Oct 18th, 2023
Locks key
My name is Locks key. I come from Manehatten, but moved to Utopia. All the ponies there are weird. They all have equal cutie marks.
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I liked this.
5656930
* Takes a bow*
Thank you.
Hey. Please comment and reccomend to friends. Please. No one reads much of my newly made story.
Heart, (there should be a comma after heart)
"Did we miss anything?" the Cutie Mark Crusaders asked.
Try not to abbreviate CMC.
Interesting chapter!
How is Loxy going to react to this?! I thought, flopping down on my bed. His love for me is strong. Just like her love for him.
I think you would also do well to space lines.
Instead of:
"Hi!" said Pinkie.
"Hey!" Apple Bloom waved.
"Chicken!" Football screamed.
It would be:
"Hi!" said Pinkie.
"Hey!" Apple Bloom waved.
"Chicken!" Football screamed.
Yay! I was finally going to see the guards again! They're the best! Funny and optimistic, like me. A true gem, if you ask me.
Try to only use one exclamation point, no matter how excited you are!
"Hey, Loxy, where ya been?" asked the jerk Buzz.
"Back off, buster!" I snarled.
"Feisty today, aren't we?" he asked, imitating an Irish pony.
Add those couple commas, decapitalize "he" and "asked" and your story will look much better!
Hmm.. Moth considers herself a bully, and consciously relishes in the torment of others. She knows that she is mean, and likes being mean. She even considers bullying her own sister.
A beginning for a potentially interesting character, but at the moment is rather unrealistic.
I have seen other writers use the my-OC-is-related-to-a-canon-cast-member ploy, and in my opinion, it has never worked. This is no exception. If the girls are only changelings on their mother's side, how can they have full changeling powers? It would be much more interesting and engaging to see Locks struggling to control her changeling powers, even if they flicker out sometimes because of her having both earth pony and changeling blood.
The grammar, wording, spelling, and pacing in this was not only poor, it was on the edge of offensive. Remember that your target audience is not a group of ten-year-olds. Try to use a thesaurus for some more sophisticated synonyms, and spell check while you're typing. Try using the FAQ's writing guide as a reference next time you write a chapter.
Improve with some commas:
Capitalization is important.
There's an E in "changeling".
5788499
. Thanks for pointing that out though.:pinkie happy: P.s, another chapter is coming up sooner or later maybe later,but be on the lookout.
My computer for some reason auto corrects without me knowing
Interesting concept, but I think it may be improved upon. For example, I heavily recommend an editor for further grammar errors. Secondly, I believe the chapters need a bit more detail. Best of luck with your story.
5729851
I know words to say like whispered snarled gasped dismayedblah blah blah.
Hmm, not bad. Needs some spacing between lines and more description. My first fic was the same in it's first chapter.
Same as before spacing. Interesting concept for her sister though.
The chapters are kinda short, nothing wrong with that, bit I'd consider putting some larger chapters in later.
Hmm, I wouldn't relate my OC to a cannon character, work on your grammar a bit more too.