• Published 3rd May 2012
  • 1,724 Views, 19 Comments

Unrevealed - Doctoroctagonapus21



Twilight has a secret. What, oh what, could it possibly be?

  • ...
25
 19
 1,724

What's the secret?

Twilight ran through Ponyville at top speed, trying to get to the Carousel Boutique as fast as she could. "Rarity usually takes a while so I should stop in and see her first." she thought to herself. Soon, she dashes into the establishment where Rarity was preparing a dress with Sweetie Belle watching.

"Hi Twilight!" Sweetie Belle said sweetly.

"Twilight, there you are, darling."

"Yeahhiwhatdidyouneedmefor?" Twilight shot out rapidly.

"Slow down, Twilight."

"Sorry. What is it you needed me for?"

"Well," Rarity began, levitating her newest design, a lavender dress lined with amethyst gems, "I made this for you for the next time you visit Canterlot. All I need is to make sure it fits properly."

Twilight quickly teleported onto the raised platform where Rarity works her magic and blurted out. "Okay, but hurry up. I have other things to do today." Rarity began fixing the dress with her magic as Twilight continued, "I still have to help Fluttershy fix her house, Rainbow Dash has some trick she wants me to see, Applejack needs a taste tester for her new recipe and Pinkie needs help decorating for a party."

"Pinkie needs help decorating? What about the party cannon?" Rarity asked.

"Apparently it's broken. So please hurry."

"Darling, you have all day to do that stuff. Are you alright?"

"WOULD YOU JUST HURRY UP?!" Twilight shouted.

"Calm down! I'm almost finished."

"Sorry."

Rarity made one more little snip with her scissors and said, "There! Done! How do you-" but before she could finish, Twilight had already tossed the dress aside and was running out the door.

"What's with her?" Sweetie Belle asks.

"I don't know..." Rarity Replied.


Within minutes, Twilight was knocking on the door of Sweet Apple Acres. Within seconds, Big Macintosh answered.

"HelloBigMaccanyoutellmewhereyoursisteris?" Twilight said so quickly that Big Mac just stood there. Twilight let out a frustrated growl and tried again. "Do you know where Applejack is?"

"Eeyup."

"Can you take me there?"

"Nnope."

"Ah can!" Applebloom said as she tried to squeeze past Big Macintosh's large frame as well as the door frame. "Ah was just about to head over there and ask her sumthin mahself."

"Thank you so much Applebloom. Lead the way, and hurry." Twilight responded.

"What's the rush? It's a beautiful day."

"Just... please."

Applebloom gave her a confused look before trotting off as fast as she could with Twilight following behind. Soon they came upon a deserted spot of the orchard not far from the Clubhouse where Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Scootaloo where talking to Rainbow Dash. As soon as they got into the clearing everypony turned to greet the newcomers.

"Well, Howdy-" but before Applejack could utter another word Twilight stuck her face inches away from Applejack's and began rambling again.

"Applejackwhatisitthatyouneededmeforandhurryupplease."

"Whoa! Slow down there sugarcube. I can't understand a single thing yer sayin'."

"What exactly did you need me for?" Twilight said, exasperated.

"Well, I need ya'll to help me test a new pie recipe, but right now, Rainbow Dash is 'bout to perform her tenth Sonic Rainboom."

"And then we're gonna have a party!" Pinkie said excitedly as she sticks her head out from behind Applejack.

"It's gonna be totally awesome!" Scootaloo added in.

Twilight growled loudly. "THAT'S WHAT YOU NEEDED ME FOR?!"

The other five ponies looked at each other, confused. "You okay, sugarcube? You seem a bit..."

"Agitated?" Rainbow Dash chimed in.

"Sorry. I'm just in kind of a hurry." Twilight stated.

"What's the rush?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Well... umm.. I still have to help fix Fluttershy's house and I want to get that out of the way as fast as I can."

"Shucks, ya'll have plenty of time fer that. Stick around and enjoy the show."

"I'm just gonna go." Twilight said, running off at top speed again.

"What's with her?" Pinkie asked.

"Maybe she's in trouble again." Rainbow Dash said, "Remember when she was freaking out about not having a letter to write to the princess?"

"And let's not forget her brother's wedding." Applejack added.

"Let's get the others and meet up with her at the library..." Rainbow Dash suggested.


Soon, Twilight rushed up to Fluttershy's cottage where a sizeable hole had been torn in the roof. She knocked on the door which was quickly answered by a cream colored pegasus.

"Hello Twi-" but before Fluttershy could finish, Twilight rushed inside and got to work, doing a sloppy job in half a minute.

"There you go. Bye!" Twilight said as she rushed out the door.

"Umm... Thanks?" Fluttershy said, confused.


As soon as the library was in sight, Twilight quickly teleported inside and took a deep breath. Finally, all her errands were done. However, she wasn't able to take more than a few steps before she heard a knock at the door. Twilight let out an exasperated sigh and said to herself, "What now?!" She opened the door with her magic and in stepped Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, accompanied by the Crusaders.

"Howdy Twi." Applejack said concerned.

"What are you all doing here?" Twilight asked.

"Darling, we came to help you. You're obviously stressed, and you remember what happened last time you got stressed out." Rarity said.

"So we came to help you!" Pinkie added in.

"Look, girls, I appreciate the thought, really, but I'm fine. Just come back later."

"Twi... What's wrong?" Applejack asked.

"NOTHING! I'M FINE! WHY IS EVERYPONY JUST ASSUMING SOMETHING'S WRONG?!"

"Because you're yelling?" Fluttershy suggested.

"And talkin' real fast." Applebloom added.

"We're your friends sugarcube, you can tell us anything." Applejack said.

Twilight let out a defeated sigh as she realized the only way out of this is to confess. "Okay, fine. I'll tell you... you see... the thing is..."


All of a sudden, in the upstairs bedroom, Spike lets out a big, "AAAACHOO! Darn allergies."


Everypony stares at Twilight, shocked at what they had just heard their best friend admit to them. Applejack and Rarity covered their little sisters' eyes and Rainbow Dash flies out of the library shouting "I'm gonna be sick!"

Comments ( 19 )

so whats the secret?:derpyderp1:

This felt pointless.

AUGH

I won't do something as immature as thumbs-downing you but...

AUGH

539198

Thumbs-downing isn't immature when the story is bad.

Just sayin'

way to leave a cliffhanger

So either Twilight has a penis, or she laid a dragon egg... like in this other story I read. Other wise, this really was a massacre upon my thoughts. You could have done so much better if this was an attempt at a troll fic.

539286

But... but... hopes and dreams... :applecry::fluttercry:
I... I can't! :facehoof:

539376

Hopes and dreams can only be reached when one is aware of their shortcomings and knows where they need improvement.

That's why I put my fics up for public viewing. So people will tell me what is bad about them. :ajsmug:

539408
Well, yes, I agree wholeheartedly. I even encourage the same for my own work.

But I just can't bring myself to give anyone a thumbs down. I prefer to just leave a comment. In this particular case, I wasn't so much saying the story was bad... just that the unreveal at the end made me upset. I'm not going to say the story doesn't need polishing, but it definitely wasn't the worst thing I've read.

DocOc21, for the record, you could work on your pacing. The story went by a little too quickly for me to enjoy it properly. Show, don't tell. Also, I wasn't particularly fond of using the unreveal as the punch line to the whole thing. It left a bad taste in my mouth.

Too much dialogue, you could have developed much more by expressing character thoughts and actions.

here's what I'm going to do to this story with twilights help
i45.tinypic.com/2jakd2c.jpg

539424

I appreciate the criticism.I am aware that I have pacing issues but i'm trying to work on it and it seems to be fine with (what is apparently) the only GOOD story I've written on here: CKF, which is far from finished

I also hastily (meaning in about and hour and a half) threw this together on a whim so I never expected it to be much good. And as for that bad taste in your mouth, I hate to say it but that's supposed to be there.

If you want some of my non-pony work, check my dA gallery

539861 :rainbowlaugh:

539363 Your thoughts have been massacred.

540401 That looks like Pinkies fingering twighlight ahaha

540401 Dude i wish everyone was like you for that i'm liking all your stories.

539145 I believe the point was to leave it to the readers' imagination, so they could decide on how it ends. Sort of a make-your-own-ending. Not very common, but allows you to decide how YOU want it to be over.

As a trollfic...I didn't think this was half bad.

Login or register to comment